Hey Ed,
Are you taking the side effects of chemo and all yr tx as a sign that your body is caving and the end is near? Please -- don't make that mistake. I remember when I was on Taxotere. I was a wreck of a person. I had to sit down to brush my teeth. Hold the wall as I showered. Hold on as I shuffled. Collapsed into bed most of the day. My housekeeper used to come on Wednesdays. I'd ask her to do my room first, and fast. The moment she was done, I'd *hustle* on in there and close the door. I'd give her the $ and tell her goodbye. Just close the front door as you leave. I was shaky and wobbly. And I suppose when I was home I made less of an effort to stand straight and look as normal as I possibly could. She told me yrs later that she was sure I was going to die. That she told her husband that lady isn't going to make it. But I knew, if I felt that awful, imagine how my ca cells felt!!
I had a pleural effusion and a peri-cardial effusion and was quite short of breath. Making the bed was like a marathon. My tongue weighed 50 lbs at least. I knew when my then one and only grandchild called and I gently lifted my hand to Paul, indicating I couldn't speak, I was in real bad shape. I had constant IBS. I had deep pain in my legs and arms that kept me on painkillers ev 4 hrs. I was weak and fuzzy headed. My nose bled for the first 1/2 hr after I awoke. I used half a box of tissues trying to get blood free. My eyes teared in a steady stream that made me clutch a tissue at all times. Eating was difficult, w/only one hand free. Sores in my mouth. My nails turned dark black and lifted off the nailbed. The soles of my feet felt like I'd been walking on hot coals. The spasms in my belly made it hard like a rock, and not in a good way. I slept most of the day. I kept trying to drink water and eat a handful of anything. I took my supplements and meds and kept a list to write down the time I took what and when I was due for the next. Otherwise I couldn't remember. I was my own nurse. But I KNEW that what I was feeling was a part of the process to WELLNESS. I had to endure as long as I could. And after 9 mnths when I could not take anymore Taxotere, my onc told me -- There's no reason to believe that Herceptin can't do the job on its' own. And so it was. (I got into bed and didn't budge for 6 wks, except to shower, go to the bathroom, go to the doc.) But, I KNEW the day would come when I would rally. And so I did. And so will you, Ed! Don't confuse what your body is experiencing w/all yr tx as a sign that you're done for. Think about it. You're on the road to honeysuckle and jasmine! Stop talking like you're not long for this world. Your body is going to take you seriously! And respond accordingly. Stop saying, Here's another thing to remember me by. You're not going anywhere. You need an attitude adjustment, if you'll pardon me for saying so. I love Marie, and you through Marie, and she's got a whole lot of BELIEF going on, but YOU, Ed, must cooperate with the process. It stinks that you have to go through this, but it is the only road to recovery. So get w/the program and stop talking doom and gloom and start BELIEVING in your ability to HEAL! Please...! With loving, healing energy being sent from down here in Boca up to you Rhodies.
Andi 