[Erin]

Sheila,

Your post, and all the responses made me cry. And what a response from the others! You have certainly touched a nerve!

As everyone else has said, I wish I could give you a hug and we could cry together. Your post is so heartbreaking. I am sorry you have to go through this too :-(

I am only in my 8th month since diagnosis and it is clear that my DH is already feeling the strain. He is distant and moody, and (of course!) won't talk about it or agree to go to any kind of support group or counseling. I alternate between understanding what he is going through, to being resentful and and angry that I have to take care of him, when I need to be taken care of. I have always been afraid, in the back of my mind, that he would bail-out if anything like this happened. So far he has not, but I think it is partly because of how awful bailing on a woman with cancer would make him look to others! That realization certainly did not endear him to me!

I think this experience has exposed the cracks and weaknesses in our relationships, and ours was not a storybook romance to begin with. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, not an a**hole, but we had our problems over 25 years. If you have seen the movie, The Breakup, he is the Vince Vaughn character, the guy who everyone thinks is so charming (and is), but wants everything on his own terms.

I don't have any more magic than anyone else here, and I have certainly not had to live with as much as you have, but here is what I have started doing -(I know we are each individuals and I don't know your relationship, but so far these things seem to be helping me)....

I am going to one on one counseling for myself. I want to stop resenting him and being angry at him. I want to be able to talk about issues as they happen, not store up resentment that will turn into bitterness. I know this is NOT easy, and we are certainly struggling with it - he is tired of all the "talking", but so far he has not refused.

I am struggling to try to create "cancer-free" periods of time in our time together. I know my mind is never free of bc thoughts, but I am trying to force myself to think and talk about anything else. Interestingly, my mood and frame of mind improve after those periods as well - I think I am giving both of us a "break".

I am doing more "fun" things for myself so I am personally happier.

I am trying to accept his limitations and concentrate on his good points - trying to see what he is doing for me (sometimes I really have to look carefully to find something - LOL), concentrate on that and verbally acknowledge him for it.

I am telling him clearly what I really need from him. Just the key, really important things to me. This is quite challenging as it is hard to make a request (demand?), in a warm and caring, but firm way, so I sometimes wait for several days for the right moment.

All this sounds like a lot of work, I know, and I would be lying if I said I didn't resent it sometimes (that is what my counseling is for), but after some soul searching I decided that I am not going to lose my marriage without a fight. And, I am not willing to stay in a marriage where we are angry, resentful, and bitter. I would rather be alone. I am trying to prepare myself for the chance that we might not make it - and that is a distinct possibility. But I am not letting go without a fight.

Wow,I am sorry, I have gone on so long - and all about me :-( But, bottom line, I want you to know you are not alone in this.

I will hold you and your husband in my heart and pray for comfort and peace for you both.