Sheila honey, You have the strength and courage of a battalion. Your wisdom and caring have carried many of us through hard times. It surely hurts me to hear about your additional problem with your husband. Paul was beyond great at my initial dx and 3 yrs later when I met, we both nearly fell apart at first. I got it together, w/meds and expanding my Spiritual awareness. I told Paul that I planned on living for a long time with my *stage fourness* but that whatever time I had left, my heart told me I needed to be in Fla. I'd spent 6 mnths there and 6 mnths in NY at the time, with Paul as a *snowbird* coming Thursday night and leaving Sun afternoon. The commute was wearing him down, but we did have a daughter living in Boca w/her hubby and our granddaughter as added incentive. I just love Fla. I need sunshine. I could not cope w/NY winters or its pace and much more. Paul agreed to retire -- which he truly did not want to do. I was going to Fla full time, regardless, needing to be true to my heart.
Paul's whole identity was in his job. He was lost. He had no reason to get up in the morning. Our easy living would be sharply curtailed. I was willing to make sacrifices for sanity and serenity. He went along reluctantly, scared of losing me, worried sick over finances and crazed by his inability to really fix what was broken. You know how men feel that is there job?! We sold. We bought. We moved from NY. We moved from southern Boca to northern Boca, again selling and moving, all through chemo.
Once we settled in, Paul went into DEEP depression. He resented being FORCED to retire, regretted doing it and BLAMED me with a vengeance. It was all my fault. Obviously, I had little control as is true of each of us. He withdrew, was morose, sat in darkness in the den at night and moped through the days. He is not one for therapy, I learned decades earlier. In a now 41 year marriage there are bound to be hard times. He is not one for talking his problems out. He keeps them semi buried and won't investigate his feelings, words or actions. He just won't. And can't. Unlike me. I talk things out, I self-scrutinize like crazy, analyze and push through.
I could see that Paul needed to be on anti-depressants. I believe your husband, Sheila, probably needs the same. If he would agree to therapy that would be great, but I wouldn't hold my breath, if you know what I mean. Of course, I suggested the meds to Paul, who was just full of anger and resentment and blame, with no room for my crazy ideas. When this kind of thing arises, a flagrant need for change that my urging has no effect on -- I call in the troops. I called my two daughters and explained the situation. They were sorely aware of the change in their beloved dad and each kept calling and prodding. When the three of us gang up on him, he eventually gives in. He read about an anti-depressant that a wealthy man had developed to help his son who was suffering mightily. For whatever reason, this was THE drug Paul would agree to. The change was almost immediate! He stopped hating me and remembered how much he loved me. He began to get involved in the community and made really great friendships with some outstanding men. They chat on the phone, have lunch together, play golf and cards. Paul is now extremely happy. I have never seen him so happy. We have been living in Fla since '99. He still worries about $$$, but those emotions that were dragging him done have evaporated.
Paul has always gone w/me for treatments, docs, etc. As an attorney in his own practice, he was able to take time off from work. He has a very strong work ethic and NEVER took time off before. For anything. He couldn't. He didn't even like going on vacation as he felt NEEDED at work. W/bc he felt needed elsewhere, w/me. I felt very blessed. One of the great benefits of this was that Paul would talk to other chemo patients, women and men, and the spouses of those bc patients who were able to accompany them. One husband in particular Paul bonded with, as I bonded with his wife. Myrna was my CHEMOMATE. I sat in the first chair on the left, she sat in the second. We each arrived at 9:45 and talked and laughed and compared notes (side effects felt, remedies that worked, feelings, etc.). We even went to dinner a number of times as couples. Paul got to ventilate his feelings comparing notes w/Norman who hovered over his childhood sweetheart. So without going for therapy, each got some therapeutic advantage from the relationship.
Sheila, I'm thinking you're husband is crumbling a bit inside. Scared of losing you, saddened that he lost the old you, deeply concerned about finances and his job -- all of which is understandable. I am so sorry he verbalized the things he did to you. I know how deeply it must have hurt, but I see where he is coming from.
8 months ago, in searching for an answer to my 22 yrs of hot flashing, it was suggested I see an endocrinologist. High blood sugar could cause that. Sitting in Paul's endocrinologist's office, now as the patient (Paul is a Type 2 diabetic) and reviewing my history somehow something came up re Paul. Whatever it was I HAD A LIGHTBULB MOMENT. Paul became a diabetic at the same time he became depressed, just after I metastasized in '98. Suddenly, I saw the connection between his pain and suffering and the illnesses that resulted -- out of my recurrence. My stage fourness had become unbearable for him. So, Sheila, I am cutting your husband some slack here, with all this in mind. I am sorry to go on about ME, when my intention is to talk to and maybe help YOU. But it is our experience that so clearly exemplifies our point of view and possibly impacts others. May you learn from what I have gone through. There are Lessons in there to reap.
Know that you are deeply appreciated by the women on this board, Sheila. Your intelligence, your attitude, your support and caring are extraordinary, as are YOU. We cherish your input. We love you for the wonderful, brave, strong, positive person you are. Please keep us posted on your situation and remember that we are each pulling for you in every single way possible. I wish you NED, happiness, much love and joy in the near future.
Andi 
AndiBB@aol.com