[VaMoonRise]

Dear Sheila,

Hi Sweetie. I am so sorry to hear about the rough emotional time that you are having.

Often times I do think that this dreadful disease can be more difficult on the Caregiver than on the one living with the disease. The Caregivers pain, fears, worries, frustrations, sense of loss are often kept silent out of fear of adding to what you are already feeling yourself and are going through. My husband has been amazing through my entire journey with this disease. He has only missed one doc. app. since Dec. 23, 2004 and he has taken on so much as far as all of the financial burden, keeping me straight on doc. app., meds, driving me everywhere I need to go, missing over a month of work as of right now to be at home with me and he does practically all of the cooking and housework around here, not to mention how much support, encouragement, attentiveness and love he shows me everyday. I know this is kind of personal and I hope that I don't offend anyone, but the poor man does all of this and more and I feel terrible a lot of times because we have had basically no sex life at all since I have become stage IV. We have talked about it and he says that it doesn't bother him at all but I know that it must at times be very frustrating and such a loss for him because we had such a wonderfully active sex life before this. I truly believe that he has lost just as much as I have with this disease and possibly even a bit more because he has had to take on a role that he has never played before, housewife, lol, now he knows what it is like for the working Mom too, lol. To make it worse he is a very linear person, he doesn't do well at all at muti-tasking and I can be bad for throwing several things at him at once that I need him to do for me and this can cause us to butt heads at times. I am trying to be better about not doing that to him and waiting until one thing is finished before I give him something else to do. I forget sometimes though and still do it ocassionally. He truly spoils me rotten. I am a very blessed woman and I am sure to tell him everyday how much I love him and appreciate all that he does for me. He is the type though that always shares his feelings and thoughts with me unless they are about the worse case scenario's of this disease, his inner most fears and worries, etc., He even hates for me to bring it up or for me to talk about any end of life plans that I want to have taken care of in advance. He knows these things are important to talk about but he can't bring himself to go there, it is too hard for him emotionally. I know it is because he doesn't like to even think about those things and he doesn't want me to have to worry about him. Recently with everything that we have been through (emotional rollercoaster from hell) and all of the daily burdens that he has on him, he has been understandably more stressed which causes him to be more grumpy and to lash out at the simplest and stupidest of things, his blood pressure has even been too high lately. I try my best not to react in a negative way when he does this. Instead I try to calm him and offer to try to help in any way that I can to ease his burden. I know that when he lashes out or says things that hurt me out of no where it is just his way of releasing some of the stress and concerns that he has that he is too afraid to say out loud. He doesn't lash out at just me, sometimes it is at our cats, he will holler at them for things that they normally do everyday, and that he wouldn't normally give a second thought to. This isn't typical behavior for my husband, like I said it has just been recently since we have gone through so much over the past month or so. Heck, if you take into account how long we all have been battling this disease, it is a very long time to be dealing with so many emotional ups and downs, worries, fears, frustrations, etc. It is bound to take it's toll on a person and come out every once in a while and rear it's ugly head by means of bad behavior. I know that I don't know your husband but it sounds to me like maybe he is just going through a rough patch and this is his way of releasing some of that pent up frustration, which although is healthy and normal for him to do, it can be very hurtful for you because we all say really stupid things that we don't actually mean at times like this. It is just a way of masking our true fears and frustration. Men by nature are problem solvers and when they can't fix something it drives them nuts and can make them very frustrated and angry. By the sounds of what your husband said to you it sounds to me like he is /was just him pineing for the life you had before cancer and the life that he yearns for, for both of you now. I can understand that as I am sure we all can. I look at photographs of myself and of my life before cancer and wonder where did that woman and life go, I don't even recognize that person in the photo or that life any more. I hate those times that I feel or think that way. Luckily they don't happen often and they pass very quickly. I would try my best to not take it to heart what he has said recently and to cut him a little slack unless this is typical behavior on his part and an on going thing. In that case then I would definitely seek out counseling for both of you on an individual basis and together as a couple. I also know that at times depending on what meds I am on, how I am feeling myself emotionally or physically, has a lot to do with how sensitive I am and how much I can take something to heart that I normally wouldn't. Weeks ago while on the highest dosage of my steroid I was extremely emotional and irrational and would cry at the drop of a hat, my poor husband couldn't hardly say a word without me crying. I would either cry because what he said I thought was hurtful or because it was just so sweet that it made me cry. The poor guy was afraid to say anything out of fear of making me cry, he was probably walking on egg shells around me which I know is very stressful on a person to have to do.

Something else that might help is, you and your husband could agree to start writing down every day one little thing that you are grateful for, love about the other or appreciate. Like the posting that is started on here called "Joy," and put it into a box or whatever. Don't show each other what you have written down. Pick a time, like at the end of the week or month or whenever works best for you, where the two of you sit down together and pull out the slips of paper and read them to each other. You could even keep separate boxes so that when you pull them out you can take turns, reading yours to him and then him reading his to you. I think we all should do that with our special someone. It can only bring about joy and further closeness and appreciation for one another.

Just try really hard to asses the entire situation right now and ask yourself is this normal behavior for him or is this just something that he has begun recently. If it something that he has begun recently it is probably just a coping mechanism for him and he may deserve a little slack but if it is on going behavior than he needs counseling or needs to seek out some type of support, either from a support group, a family member that he close with or a friend. Whenever I feel like my husband is really stressed out and needs a break, I call on my step sister who lives in NC to come down for a weekend to stay with me so that my husband can go kayaking/camping for the weekend in order to relax and regroup. I will also call his best friend to come down that same weekend to go with him and if my step sister can't come his best friend usually will come on his own and it gives them a chance to talk and hang out which is always good for my husband. They need someone like that to vent to or just to take their minds off of things for a while. My sisters will also come down once in a while to give my husband a break from cooking and cleaning and things. If I am having a really good day and no one else is here I will demand that he goes out on his own for a while to have some of what I call "Me Time," as we all need that as well. I enjoy that time that he is gone also because I too get my "Me Time."

I don't know if any of this has helped are not Sweetie but I sure hope so. Like everyone here has already said, you are such an inspiration to us all and we love and admire you so very much. We are always here for you, you can feel safe here and vent to us at any time. I wish that I could be there with you right now to give you a hug, a back rub, foot rub, basically just be there to pamper you and to let you relax, vent, whatever. Hang in there Sweetie and hopefully this too shall pass quickly as just another bump in the road of this very long journey.

Sending you lots of love, hugs and well wishes, God Bless,
Nicola

PS: Feel free to e-mail me direct if you like at VaMoonRise@aol.com. I will even call you if you like and we can talk for however long you want. )