[Believe51]

Not my normally LOL post, not even just a sad one...Pretty down right depressing!! My husband expressed his concern about his progression on this very troublesome journey. Yesterday he mentioned that he still did not feel the best and that he had started the chemo without listening to his body because he thinks the disease is taking over. He somehow knows that he had to start despite feeling a little under the weather, his belly was still not ready for this new regime. Of course this is not a reoccurance, we never really got rid the cancer in the first place. His quote was "Sweetheart, I really do not think I have much time left here with you. I will fight to get every second out of this, but I feel it is taking over right now and I need you to be prepared." What do you say to that, how do you deal with that?? Oh my God Girls, I will never be prepared for that, I will never be right without him even though life will go on around me. I know I have to wait for scans to be taken and read & that sucks, but it might be the inspiration he needs. Remember, last chemo was 4/12...radiation started 7/10 and he has not been right since.

All I can say is remember your first heartbreak when your heart literally hurt, I mean pain hurt....really deep-down ache that you thought would never go away?? That is where I am at and all along this journey I have dealt with my feelings and my heart hurt then too. Now is different especially since I have come to count on the signs his body gives us. As I wipe the tears of sorrow I must remember he is still here with us and until I know different I will still BELIEVE!! Thinking like that has me confused a bit, but that is what faith is minus those doubts.

I am scared girls, that conversation was not meant to scare me it was his honesty which has been incooperated all through this fairy-tale marriage. And that is another thing, we have been married 12 years on 10/21/07 and I feel this is not enough time with him. Our story cannot be done yet, we are not even in the middle of it!! (Cyring!!) These feelings of pain I have I did deal with and until recently I felt I was preparing myself rather efficiently. I cried all last night and finally fell asleep around 3 am and you know I try to limit my tears. I cannot get past this today, my heart is breaking. We all know that cancer is unpredictable and anything can happen, we know that there are statistics and why can he not be the next great statistic? Regardless, he is very concerned and I am very scared. I know my life will never be the same, I know that is is not being alone that bothers me. It is life without him, it is going on in life without my Knight. God has surely sent him to me, he is my gift for certain, I am sorry I sound so sad and greedy. By greedy I mean that I will take him anyway he is, but he is getting tired girls. It has been a year now and he is tired.

His journey has been tough, he is getting beat up with this hateful disease. Ed is the most disciplined, determined man but when he says he is getting tired, after I absorb that I again dry my eyes. If from the beginning of this fight he talked like that I would understand. My boy will continue to fight and get every moment possible out of this and I will try to push these "What If's" away. After all he is still here loving me and yes Marejo...we will love until we can love no more.

We picked out our burial plots finally, we will be side by side surrounded by woods and my Mother-in-Law will be getting us a Red Maple tree to go near us with a memorial plaque. Ed was a strawberry-blonde haired man with sensitive skin and I do not do well with the heat so a tree is a good bonus. It is not that we are ready for death that has me concerned, again we live in a terminal world as my friends have stated this week, and I do feel better having the plans that we want. I am so happy we have what we want and feel closure with this subject & upon analyzing my thoughts I know this is not the trigger for my grief. Again he is here with me and I am thankful for that, for every second, for each smile, for the comments that constantly remind me he knows me better than I know myself. I want no one to cry for us, this too shall pass. I just feel so depressed today and these kind of days makes it hard to trudge on forward.

I know I am talking in circles and maybe these things will make you sad knowing that you have people in your lives that feel the same way. I need to say that I really feel doom today and had to express it, sometimes I feel it is how I stay strong. These feelings of dispair I have not felt since his dx when I was green about breast cancer and look at me today wearing green shoes!! I did have reservations about this post seeing we have newbies, we have mourned another death of a Warrior friend, and so many friends have had some bumps in the road. No one makes me feel like you girls do, no one does it better.

Again he asked me, "Are you always going to keep in touch with the girls on Her2support?? It is important for you and to them Marie, that you finish your mission and advocacy and continue to help others". My answer was "Absolutely Babe, I could never leave this group of family, they are all in my heart and even long after you are gone I will find solice and peace being able to bring to them MYSELF, MY PRAYERS AND MY BELIEFS!!"

My Goal Today: I will try not to cry anymore, I will continue to push the "What If's" away and incooperate some laughter tonight. My candles will burn with the fierce intensity of prayers. I ask again for no one to cry for us, we are in need of some prayers and maybe the positivity that we are lacking this week. I am sorry if anyone feels sad after reading this post, I just needed you all and like I said....no one does it better!!

I send love and prayers your way, today and always. I promise I will feel better after talking to you girls, after I escape into the flame of that candle...but especially when I push them "what if's" away. I am not being negative, just facing reality of the severity of this disease and our particular journey.

And Girls he is still here and.....I Still Believe!! (crying, but believing!!)

Believe51