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Andrea Barnett Budin · 08-19-2007, 11:38 AM

Dear "Faith",

I too understand completely. 12 yrs after initial dx, I still have my moments as you describe. If you just reread Mary Ann's post, you will be reading the words in my heart. I hug more. I say I love you more. I hear I love you more (the energy is contagious). I treasure each day and every relationship. I no longer wonder if I will live to see my baby granddaughter fit into the 1 yr old sized dress I had to buy and that was the smallest size they had. I did live to see her in it, and w/some tears, I rejoiced. Josie is now almost 11! And I have four other grandchildren I never even expected.

I'd be at dinner in a restaurant and look around and see everyone talking and laughing and think they had no idea what I was going through, what facing death is all about. As Jean so fabulously put it -- I can see the license plate on that proverbial bus that could hit any one of us at any time. Twelve of my dearest friends and their spouses stood around my hospital bed after my mastectomy in '95. My husband is 7 years older than me and most of my friends are older as well. A few times, 100 yrs ago, before bc, I would be gathered w/these friends and think (as the baby of the group) am I going to have to go to all their funerals and lose them one by one? Then, there I was -- w/4th stage bc! From the hospital bed I looked around and thought -- the first one to go could be me. Then I let that fear go and flooded my entire being with the joy of being alive. I wish everyone that special joy, cherishing what they have midst the very real possibility of losing it. Living as if this were your last day on earth. It's truly a blessing, not a sorrowful reality, as I have quickly grown to view it.

And some of those friends that stood around my bed in '95 have passed on, have been diagnosed with all kinds of cancers, had heart surgery and other surgeries. I do not focus on the fragility of Life nor my vulnerability, but rather choose to embrace those I love and the gift of each day. I meditate, I pray, I connect with my Spirit -- and I become One with the Universe. I live with a bliss and serenity that was unattainable before cancer. I have grown and evolved and had a wondrous Spiritual unfolding that came *from* the cancer experience and the fright that naturally accompanied it. But I have decided -- I REFUSE TO ALLOW FEAR-DRIVEN CONCEPTS TO MAIPULATE ME AND PLAY GAMES WITH MY LIFE AND WELL-BEING. I WILL NOT GIVE MY POWER AWAY TO ANY ONE OR ANY THING. I WILL NOT ALLOW A SINGLE MOMENT OF A SINGLE HOUR TO BE STOLEN FROM ME, LOST TO SADNESS OR FEAR. I can see the license plate on the bus, then I see it skid and veer out of my way! I see it in vivid detail. In the end -- the heroine lives, Faith. Hold that image and these thoughts close.

Sending you loving energy and belief in your powers to control your thoughts and visions, and to call your desired destiny to you. Such jubilant energy attracts LIKE energy to its' source, in accordance with Universal Law. Don't send out negative energy. Signal what you believe is coming your way. Become the master of your fate. Smile, and put your arms around what you dearly want, versus what you fear.

Andi

08-19-2007, 11:38 AM	#8
Andrea Barnett Budin Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: LAND OF YES! w/home in Boca Raton, Florida Orig from L.I., N.Y. Ever hovering IN THE NOW... Posts: 1,904	I Hear You... Dear "Faith", I too understand completely. 12 yrs after initial dx, I still have my moments as you describe. If you just reread Mary Ann's post, you will be reading the words in my heart. I hug more. I say I love you more. I hear I love you more (the energy is contagious). I treasure each day and every relationship. I no longer wonder if I will live to see my baby granddaughter fit into the 1 yr old sized dress I had to buy and that was the smallest size they had. I did live to see her in it, and w/some tears, I rejoiced. Josie is now almost 11! And I have four other grandchildren I never even expected. I'd be at dinner in a restaurant and look around and see everyone talking and laughing and think they had no idea what I was going through, what facing death is all about. As Jean so fabulously put it -- I can see the license plate on that proverbial bus that could hit any one of us at any time. Twelve of my dearest friends and their spouses stood around my hospital bed after my mastectomy in '95. My husband is 7 years older than me and most of my friends are older as well. A few times, 100 yrs ago, before bc, I would be gathered w/these friends and think (as the baby of the group) am I going to have to go to all their funerals and lose them one by one? Then, there I was -- w/4th stage bc! From the hospital bed I looked around and thought -- the first one to go could be me. Then I let that fear go and flooded my entire being with the joy of being alive. I wish everyone that special joy, cherishing what they have midst the very real possibility of losing it. Living as if this were your last day on earth. It's truly a blessing, not a sorrowful reality, as I have quickly grown to view it. And some of those friends that stood around my bed in '95 have passed on, have been diagnosed with all kinds of cancers, had heart surgery and other surgeries. I do not focus on the fragility of Life nor my vulnerability, but rather choose to embrace those I love and the gift of each day. I meditate, I pray, I connect with my Spirit -- and I become One with the Universe. I live with a bliss and serenity that was unattainable before cancer. I have grown and evolved and had a wondrous Spiritual unfolding that came from the cancer experience and the fright that naturally accompanied it. But I have decided -- I REFUSE TO ALLOW FEAR-DRIVEN CONCEPTS TO MAIPULATE ME AND PLAY GAMES WITH MY LIFE AND WELL-BEING. I WILL NOT GIVE MY POWER AWAY TO ANY ONE OR ANY THING. I WILL NOT ALLOW A SINGLE MOMENT OF A SINGLE HOUR TO BE STOLEN FROM ME, LOST TO SADNESS OR FEAR. I can see the license plate on the bus, then I see it skid and veer out of my way! I see it in vivid detail. In the end -- the heroine lives, Faith. Hold that image and these thoughts close. Sending you loving energy and belief in your powers to control your thoughts and visions, and to call your desired destiny to you. Such jubilant energy attracts LIKE energy to its' source, in accordance with Universal Law. Don't send out negative energy. Signal what you believe is coming your way. Become the master of your fate. Smile, and put your arms around what you dearly want, versus what you fear. Andi __________________ Andi BB '95 post-meno dx Invasive LOBULAR w/9cm tumor! YIKES + 2/21 nodes. Clear mammo 10 mnths earlier. Mastec/tram flap reconst/PORT/8 mnths chemo (4Adria/8CMF). Borderline ER/PR. Tamoxifen 2 yrs. Felt BLESSED. I could walk and talk, feed and bathe myself! I KNEW I would survive... '98 -- multiple mets to liver. HER2+ 80%. ER/PR- Raging, highly aggressive tumors spreading fast. New PORT. 9 mnths Taxotere Fought fire w/fire! Pronounced in cautious remission 5/99. Taxotere weekly for 6 wks, 2 wks off -- for 9 mnths. TALK ABOUT GRUELING! (I believe they've altered that protocol since those days -- sure hope so!!) + good old Vit H wkly for 1st 3 yrs, then triple dosage ev 3 wks for 7 yrs more... The "easy" chemo, right?! Not a walk in the park, but not a freight train coming at 'ya either... Added Herceptin Nov '98 (6 wks after FDA fast-tracked it for met bc). Stayed w/Vit H till July '08! Now I AM FREE! Humbly and eternally grateful for this life-saving drug! NED since '99 and planning on keeping it that way. To hell w/poor prognosis and nasty stats! STOPPED VIT H JULY '08...! REMAIN STABLE... Eternally grateful...Yes is a world & in this world of yes live (skillfully curled) all worlds ... (e e cummings) EVERY DAY I BEAT MY PREVIOUS RECORD FOR # OF CONSECUTIVE DAYS I'VE STAYED ALIVE. Smile KNOWING you too can be a miracle. Up to me and God now...