[SoCalGal]

My heart is broken, my head is spinning, I cannot stop the waves of grief, emotion and dissappointment.

"Overall the findings are consistent with a worsening metastatic process."

This is from my PET/CT. My oncologist wants to change me from TYKERB/xeloda to TYKERB Carboplatin & Gemzar. He said it's a more potent combo than using Navelbine, which is what my 2nd opinion doctor said he would do if I failed on the Ty/Xeloda.

(This second opinion was from 3 months ago when I was first dx with mets. My onc says CArbo/Gem is more potent combined w/TY. Last year, a different 2nd opinion doc per my uber-surgeon, said she would put me on Carbo/Gem as a preventative, assuming that I had mets. Since I did not, all docs said to "just" do radiation, which I did).

My onc says that he still thinks TYKERB is a great drug, to stay on it and let's add in the other 2 drugs. He said I could still get a remission and that I'd stay on this combo for 6 months and then Tykerb only. I asked him what if I did nothing. He said that I would surely have progression and that is was still worth doing something that could give me a remission and give me life. Do I believe him? I don't know.

I asked him why not Navelbine. I asked him about adding in Herceptin or going back to Herceptin since that kept me NED for 20 months and then some. He said that there is no evidence that doing BOTH Herceptin & Tykerb is any better than Tykerb alone. I told him a LOT of woman in this community plus a couple from my support group use BOTH HRCPTN & TY. I asked him how many woman he had on this combo - answer was NONE. Many on the combo using Herceptin. ME on the combo using Tykerb. I have seen this doc since day one - 11 years. He's a pro - BUT. BUT, BUT? I don't have the strength for this research - for this process. I just want to curl into a little ball and never wake up again. This is an unimaginable effort - to take chemo to survive - to live in cancer-world. Most people don't even like to take an Advil.

For the first time I am glad my kids are away, they would be so saddened by this news. I know that I did not fail in any way but it always feels as if I am letting others down. Everyone rallys around, having such high hope, offering their prayers and support and then it doesn't work. It just feels like it's my fault. It's so unfair. I am so blessed and so cursed all at the same moment in time.

I am supposed to start this new combo on July 16th. I don't want to go back on a chemo drip. I don't want to try something new that will surely have bad side effects. I don't know if I can manage this all on my own. I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL. I WANT MY LIFE BACK. --Flori