[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Yes, much is out of balance yet I FEEL so in sync w/Life. Except of course for my husband's recent health problems, which I've discussed with the ladies on this board all over the place (in CONTROVERSIAL TOPIC, in urticaria, ?in Vitamin D, in 11.3 HGB and shaky, if you haven't noted).

Clearly Paul's state of health at this moment is my top priority and is leaving me SHAKY. My dizziness is due to stress and/or low red bld cells (for ME, only feeling *normal when 13+). Internally I feel harmonious, despite the 3 trips to the emerg rm in 1 wk and several sleepovers at the hosp for Paul. Doing EVERYTHING the 2 of us generally do is further trying, and telling my kids a lot, but not all, is making me rethink laying it on them. They just don't seem to get it. Being the spouse of someone having major medical problems is the most scary place to be. As the patient, I was calm, full of joy and serenity BELIEVING I would be find after all was said and done w/my bc diagnosis. I was busy reassuring every one, because I truly felt I KNEW I was going to be fine.

Most of the time, in between praying for Paul to snap back after this mnth of horrors, seeing him so weak, so sleepy, so not Paul, my world has seemed upside down. Amazing. Bc left me grounded more than ever, more loving, more understanding, more forgiving, more generous than ever before. In this position w/Paul I am a bit of a mess, though I have been meditating (even while waiting or visiting in the hosp). I talk to the ladies on this board to vent, and I feel rejuvenated. Strong, reinvigorated and ready to face anything. When Paul collapsed in my arms and was losing consciousness, as I was commanding him to STAY WITH ME, PAUL (just like in the movies) I was terrified by the situation and by such words coming out of mouth. Saying (not asking) I'M CALLING AN AMBULANCE is jarring. I thought I was losing him. His eyes rolling back, speech slurred. First we thought stroke, tests showed no. Then w/the cathter and drinking for the dehydration and having urine retention, we feared -- where is all that liquid going. Is it renal failure. All tests are coming back fine. He has ORTHSTATIC HYPOTENSION (collapsing when changing position, standing, getting up from lying down, bending and losing consciousness). He staggers a bit (beside the broken foot from the 1st fall). Now he is walking even slower than he was, so very weak, stooped, sleeping a lot, somewhat confused (but then so am I, so much has happened in the last mnth). I all began with a raging case of Shingles, beginning w/exquisite pain, nausea, vomiting, fluish feeling, chills, feverish, but no fever. Then finally (after orthopedist and internist and MRI to check if the back was involved) the raging rash came. I'm wiped out physically, running, walking the dogs, watching Paul's every move, keeping on top of things at the hosp (a dangerous place to be, where things get missed or forgotten like clockwork). You need someone there overseeing.

I appreciate your input, Ann. I have accepted all the glitches in my medical saga as being nothing compared to bc, and totally under control. I haven't delved into their derivation, busily scrutinizing how the bc found the opportunity to strike, and strike again. Preoccupied with staying STABLE/NED in that area has gotten my full attention. Perhaps I should start to question all the rest that is a bit amiss.

I would love to see a Yin Yang man. I will ask around. I have a friend Iris (long time bc survivor who is 10 yrs older than me and looks and is fabulous. She is 100% into holistic medicine, supplements, etc. and is very knowledgeable and on top of her game. I will see her Wed. night, God willing. NOW I SOUND LIKE MY PAPA IKE! But it is reflective of the uncertainty I feel re my Paul. With loving energy to you, ANDI