[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Vickie, I have been preoccupied w/my husband's medical misadventures, but from the moment I read your post about being given the grim news by 4 docs surrounding your hospital bed, alone but for your pneumonia -- I have been beside myself. What were they thinking? This was clearly not the time to approach the lone patient. The synchronicity of their being in the same place at the same time was not a strong enough case to hit you over the head, blindsiding you. Traumatic doesn't even begin to cover what you went throug. I am so sorry that happened in that most awful of ways.

A few times you mention you assured others YOU WOULD BE OKAY. That was your Spirit speaking! Do not dismiss it as placating, attempting to comfort others in your compassionate way. BELIEVE IT. Your trip to Mexico, taking long walks, swimming in the buoyant waters, wondering about all things was your Spirit trying to make you feel connected to Life. Eating the right things was your Soul seeking to nourish you as it craved your acknowledgement. Once we find our True Self, discover our Essence, at our core, we can more easily tap into Universal guidance and wisdom.

In MY PRAYER FOR SURVIVAL that I wrote in Dec '98, midst Taxotere and torment throughout my body, at the lowest point in my entire life, I began with the following words. I AM WOUNDED, BUT I WILL SURVIVE. I AM DEEP IN THE WOODS, BUT I AM NOT LOST. MY BODY ACHES WITH THE DEATH OF MY CANCER CELLS. BUT I AM STRONG, BRAVE AND DETERMINED. THIS STORM WILL NOT TOUCH MY CORE. I WILL NOT LET IT. MY ESSENCE IS CALM AND POISED. MY WILL IS GREAT AND SHALL TRIUMPH. I WILL BE STEADFAST. THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

Vickie, you are not broken. I understand that you may feel lost and cheated. But know that -- you are being led. The tangible evidence of your efforts lie before you. As you expect the best, so it will come. It is a Universal Law. Do not retreat. There is a malfunction afoot. You will not break. Your Spirit will not be broken. Diligently stand guard against toxic thoughts and images. Acknowledge them, experience them and then be done with them. You have much to be grateful for. ou are truly blessed. As you see the radiance of life, the darkness within dissolves.

You are in a process of spiritual unfolding. When all is calm, we stagnate. You are becoming more than you were, your life enriched immeasurably with fresh perspectives, the gift of feeling truly alive with each new day.

You write with such artistry, Vickie. YOU WILL BE OKAY, as your Spirit told you repeatedly. Stop resisting participating in this unwanted drama. It is your Life. Rejoice. You are on a gravel-packed road but with the power of your chosen thoughts and images, stubborn determination that will not flag and belief in your abilities to triumph you will be guided through this the mother of all storms.

With much loving energy being sent your way... ANDI