[Andrea Barnett Budin]

My attitude has always been I feel so lucky, It could be so much worse. I sit in the onc's waiting room, looking at all the old people and me and have a momentary poor me moment. Than a young child came with mommy and a hospital bracelet. I looked heavenward and felt blessed. I was dx initially just after Chritopher Reeve had his horrible accident ('95). I could walk and breathe on my own, I could feed myself, go to the bathroom myself, bathe myself. These are each blessings we take for granted. So my perspective was I feel so lucky, and blessed.

And if you have a poor me moment, indulge for an hr or half a day if you must. Then envision yourself well and happy. Let the chemicals in your body that go along with that thinking process permeate you. Like smiling -- you just start to feel better "automatically" as a result of the ideas going around in your head. Whereas remorse and regret and guilt cause you to feel irritable and worried, which conjures up more ugly scenarios and sends all the wrong energy out in to the Universe. What you think and envision draws LIKE energy to you. And, obviously, what you truly want for yourself is loving, joyful, healthy, harmonious energy to be magnetically brought to you. So you have to do your part. And, as a result, you FEEL better because our emotions are evoked from what we dwell on. We each have the ability to consciously alter our thinking patterns. It is difficult at first, as it is with any thing. But w/practice it becomes easier and easier. Even after calling 911 and asking for an ambulance, I was strong, steady, focused. The men who came in to the bedroom asked many questions. I got my notes, my calendar. I have every med I take and the dosage and an updated copy of all Paul's meds/dosages. I have his social security # (memorized mine but have it written in case I'm loopy for some reason). I had started chronicling all that occurred from May 29 when this all started, trying to make sense of it all, and offer it to docs and med teams for concise review. You're doing great said the guy in charge in my bedroom. I was calm, though terrified. I was reasonable, not screaming. Will you be ok to follow us in the ambulance? Can you drive yourself to the hospital? I will go 30 mph. That's good. You don't have to hurry. Slow and steady, I told myself between gasps for air. Brought my cell, my calendar, locked up and set th alarm.

I am hoping for a simple answer for Dale. It may take time, require tests, so be patient. The most challenging thing to master. I am not a patient person. Not a patient patient. I try to at least appear patient and not get all grumbly and angry sounding. That gets you no where fast.

Men have a tendency to want to fix what goes wrong. When I tell P it's pouring out (as I'd do from Dix Hills calling him at work in Manhattan) he'd ask, What do you want me to do about it? I didn't want him to do anything. But it is his natural instinct. When he was helpless to make the ca go away, he researched on the net, found ablation in Calif (a new therapy) filled out all the necessary forms. Investigated stem cell transplant. Read bks. Did the marketing, the laundry, the drug store. He even went to Lord & Taylor to buy me a moisturizer I use and got low on. He was happy to do any thing to "help" the situation, to make things easier for me. I focused on HEALING. He dealt w/the bills, the insur co, etc. He did the best he could. It is enormously stressful. It takes its' toll on our psyches (perhaps needing anti-depressants to calm our jangled nerves). It takes its' toll on our bodies. I kept telling P to not allow himself to get so upset (after a half hr repeating the same sensible thing to the insur person on the phone and escalating in the red-faced anger dept). I need you to stay well and healthy, I would often tell him. We can't both be sick.

Dale isn't mad at you no doubt. He's mad at the situation, as we all tend to react to unwanted circumstances. Especially those we can't protect the ones we love from. He's exasperated, stressed, scared. He needs you to be his guiding force. Paul's anxious pained face made me often ask DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING I DON'T? He knew I wanted to hear it all. He promised he'd tell all. I'd reassure him -- EGBOK in Essence. I'm going to be okay. I just have to get through the process. In the end -- I plan on living for a long time! This grounded him, made him calm down. He'd nod his head and walk away talking to himself. EGBOK, or the like...

Let us know what the onc says re YOU, Leslie. My thoughts and prayers are with you! LOVE YOU... ANDI