[chrisy]

Marie,
You will probably get lots of responses directly addressing "what else can I do" question.

I can address the "what would I expect" (or want)...
I don't think this is the sort of answer you were seeking, but I just have to say this anyway. Reading your post made me cry - because you put a face, and words to the anguish, frustration, and sometimes helplessness faced by those who love us. As the person fighting cancer, I know all too well my own fears and demons - one of the greatest being the pain of seeing my husband in pain over my disease.

Your husband is very lucky to have a partner who is able to take on the challenge of researching treatments, seeking support, looking for answers. You are very special. You are, indeed, doing all you can to find answers and options - you are seeking help from the best professionals. Be prepared to get multiple opinions if you see multiple experts, tho!

A very wise and dear friend of mine is dealing with serious health issues of here aging mom. Her dad is not physically able to help at all, so most of the burden of finding and directing her mom's care falls on her. She told me her dad's job is TO LOVE HER MOM. That made me cry, too (maybe I should buy stock in kimberly-clark!). I realized how critical THAT role is, and how people like our spouses who feel powerless must never forget the MOST POWERFUL thing they can do is to love us. That is what I want most.

For me, I also need and appreciate (sometimes!) that we try to just do our lives, and be normal. Maybe it's just cultivating a healthy sense of denial - or maybe it's allowing hope. It's tough work "living" with cancer. From time to time you will be able to take a break from it and believe it or not, there will be days you don't think about it. It may take some time and effort to get there and that is your current focus.

And don't forget to take care of yourself. Not just because you need to be strong so that you can continue to "DO" so much for your dear hubby, but also because you in your own right are special and need tender loving care. Anxiety about a mammo is tough for anyone - it must be driving you crazy but try to not worry.

I know I'm just totally rambling. Sorry 'bout that. But it so touches my heart what you are going through with your husband. You two are very very special.

Much love and prayers
chris