[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Steph your post re Sandy's passing was beautifully worded! I noted that right off. And though I did not know her, I have read her green shoes tale and immediately loved her Spirit. Again, yr last post is so right. I have, in the last 2 yrs, lost an uncommonly large # of dear, beloved friends. I went into a tailspin, coupled w/losing my lifeline, my onc's nurse who is beyond wonderful but has gone into palliative med to be nearer to her mom. She left me her home phone #, feeling so guilty leaving me and all of us behind. That's the kind of person she is -- good to the core. Anyway, my usual cheery self was being choked off.

Getting Herceptin at the cancer center, the social worker noticed I wasn't myself. I didn't think it showed. What's going on?, she asked off-handedly, pulling up a chair to my recliner. Suddenly I became conscious of it all accumulating over the last few yrs and poured my heart out, slightly amazed. I cried, sobbed and wailed for hrs at the time of each passing, but thought I was over it, w/occasional thoughts of missing and loving these people and experiencing a profound sense of loss, then I'd move on. But I guess I was repressing a whole bunch of emotion still.

Kathy suggested that I make a list. I CAN DO THAT. I am the President of Listmakers Anonymous. I wrote each name down on a pretty piece of paper when I got home. The list was way longer than I had realized. It startled me. I began to see how overwhelming it all was. No wonder it had impacted me so, so much deeper than I'd realized. I keep my list by my bedside. Kathy suggested I touch a name and close my eyes and think of that person for a bit. Then to say a prayer thanking God for having them in my life (and feeling what that evokes in me). Allowing it to be experienced.

I believe the Soul continues on, in the Spiritual Realm. Death is not the end of our story, I know. I will see those who have passed on to the next dimension again. In time. When I am ready, and not before. I go to each name on the list, working my way down slowly, and it is rather soothing. I make contact with each person. Sometimes during the day I look up and speak to this friend and that one. I smile and I tell them I really love you. (Not past tense.) And, I really miss you. I wish I could talk to you. But, I guess that's what I'm doing right now. I felt that close to them that I can imagine what they would say in response. I can feel their hand on my heart. Surely they have left footprints there. We are forever bonded.

Maybe those of you grieving Sandy could make a list of what you loved about her. Her zest for Life. Her humor. Her gentleness and generosity. Her grace. Her willingness to share and give of herself, all of which I've learned from reviewing her past postings, signatue and bio yesterday. As it's been said, you can honor her best by cherishing each day! By determining NOT to relinquish a single one to debilitating sadness. Embrace the day. Say I love you ten times more than you usually do, as you go about your day. I find I do this with veritable strangers, if involved in a lovely conversation. And I get it right back. I love you too. Hug ten times more than you usually do. Hugs and laughter are very therapeutic. Stay on course. You don't want to make yourself sick. Be good to yourself. You deserve that. I am sending loving energy to all my Soul Sisters... ANDI