[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I just LOVE that statement. It is so right on. Fear will defeat you in your struggle. Believe me, I too have my moments of cynicism, disillusionment, frustration, exasperation, anger and yes, even, mourning for my future. How much time do I have here? My prognosis is ugly. The stats suck.

But I KNOW that such thoughts evoke images and emotions to match -- and I wish more than that for myself. We all deserve more than that. We have to allow those thoughts to be experienced, and vented, and then we must move on to seeing our blessings. I have a wonderful huband (most days), two great daughters (most days) and 5 incredible grandchildren who've arrived since I was first dx in '95. 4th stage is overwhelming for starters especially. 2 out of 18 nodes. I wanted 0. I had always thought I wouldn't want a mastectomy, to give up a breast (as they come in pairs, and leave you lopsided if one is amputated). From the momet I heard cancer my words were GET IT OUT. DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO. I WANT TO LIVE. I opted for tram flap reconstruction. Or rather it opted for me. I wanted some kind of breast, and this was my only way to go. 9cm tumor, going wide around the margins, left a giant circle, taking skin and all. A port. 4 Adria/8 CMF over 8 mnths. Thought I was done. Lived in joy and serenity from the getgo -- KNOWING I was calling my desired destiny to me. That we have the power to heal ourselves, talk to our bodies and instruct it to be well. 1 yr of flushing my port mnthly and I decided to let it go. I was never going to have ca again.

'98 I questioned my ev 3 mnth comprehensive bld tests showing "A VERY SLIGHT, VERY SLIGHT, I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT" report on the phone -- 3 times (over 6+ mnths). Well, I am worried!, my Inner Voice told me to say. It then prompted, Can I have a liver sonogram? Wrong verbiage but doc said I GUESS WE CAN SUBSTANTIATE THAT. You want an abdominal sono. Okay. Radiol said, I'm sorry but I have to send you for a CT scan. I can't be sure what I'm looking at here. I'm sorry. CT showed multiple lesions. Slightly tricky CT guided biop revealed MALIGNANT. If I'd waited, God knows what. Every single day counts w/ca! We all know that! For me, Herceptin has saved my life. And I have met Dennis Slamon and hugged him and thanked him. He was as elated as my husband Paul and I were -- seeing the fruits of his labor! Saw Pegram too! What a joy. It was like an Elvis encounter...

So we're all proactive, involved in our own wellness. On top of our case, ev step of the way. It's a full time job. Ev day we must monitor our thoughts, weed out the fears, doubts and worries. Feel them. Talk them out. And move to our spiritual core. I am STABLE (my most favorite word in the English language). I live to hear it w/ea scan or test. I meditate daily. I have read a lot of bks about spirituality. I have grwn enormously since '95 in wondrous ways, that would nothave occurred had it not been for cancer.

Midst 9 mnths of Taxotere, The Freight Train drug, that is highly aggressive and tailor-made for highly aggressive Her2+ ca, I sunk to the bottom of the well. I was down and out. In pain, enfeebled. I kept a bk by the toilet which I frequented ridiculously often. Diarrhea diva. Then this 1 bk I read, w/3 pgs to journal after ea 3 pg chapter, prompted me to write my PRAYER FOR SURVIVAL. It just gushed up and out of me. I have sent it to those at rock bottom. They say it touches them, makes them cry and feel inspired. They keep it on their night table. I NOW "know" that we are each far more than a mind and a body (our temple). We are each a Soul. It is full of eons of wisdom. It is a fragment of its divine Source and therefore we are all in possession of a Godself. We are each sacred beings. I connect with my Essence, my Spirit, when I find myself low. It raises me up. It is my Higher Self. My True Self. It is full of love, compassion, kindness, generosity, caring, gratitude and awe. The world is so beautiful.

EVERY THOUGHT IS HEARD BY YOUR BODY. And, by the Universe itself. Each responds IN KIND. If the energy of your thoughts and visions are full of negativity -- that is what you will attract back from the Universe. If the energy of your mental meanderings and images are full of positivity -- you will call your desired destiny to you, rather than what you dread most. It is your choice. You have been granted personal EMPOWERMENT to be the master of your fate. The power of your thoughts, to heal, to manifest your dreams, is miraculous. It can create astounding outcomes. Believe in your power. Own it. Alter predestination with the power you were given as your birthright. That's what I've learned since cancer. As you each cross my path, I feel compelled to share this with you. Go deep within yourself and seek to connect with your Spirit. It guides and protects you. Send THE RIGHT message out into the Universe to attract what you want, versus what you fear. Consciously choose to be a miracle. To become STABLE and to stay healthy and well. Reach for your dream with the passion of an Olympic gold medalist. With that kind of fervent determination. I am sending loving, healing energy to all my Soul Sisters who I admire beyond words to express... ANDI

YES -- FEAR IS A REACTION. COURAGE IS A DECISION! Was it Eleanor Roosevelt who say YOU MUST DO THE THING YOU THINK YOU CANNOT DO. And someone else said THE BRAVEST ARE SURELY THOSE WHO HAVE THE CLEAREST VISION OF WHAT IS BEFORE THEM...AND YET...GO OUT TO MEET IT. God bless...