[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Around a week prior to scans (which were every 8 wks, then I graduated to every 3 mnths and then begged and got every 4 mnths -- this is many yrs after my mets into liver -- and was told firmly BUT THAT'S IT. YOU CAN'T GO ANY LONGER.) -- I get crazed. Feel stressed, overwhelmed. Try to talk myself down. Once I tackled my laundry room sink which was badly, disgustingly stained when we bought the house. On my way out to the garage each and every day, I must pass this eyesore. I took out every cleaner I owned over the past decade from my cabnets and made my concoction. I used brillow, a sponge with a gritty side, everything. THAT SINK GLOWED WHEN I WAS DONE! And I swear I felt a bit better. I took out my aggressions on that damn sink and now enjoy the fruits of my labor. When I went for a manicure, my manicurist asked, after gasping, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NAILS??!!

Meanwhile, I tell myself, in my pre-scan mode, I will be STABLE. I will remain STABLE. My scans are only proof of my remission. Before, w/multiple mets in my liver, I had specific instructions written by the doc ea time for exact size of ea tumor. I'd get a copy of my every 8 wk report (as I request copies of everything JUST FOR ME). I read and re-read and compare to last report. I take a totally proactive approach to my treatment -- participating in my own wellness! This mkes me feel a sense of control over my out of control situation that dictates my life by necessity. My out of control defective gene is kept in check by Herceptin and my mind's daily instructions to my body.

At first when I'd compare the difference in size of each tumor, I felt I'd worked so hard, on Taxotere, and had slow but steady progress. Then my husband Paul would figure the overall square of the area of each tumor and the #s jumped off the paper. I was making way better progress than I'd thought.

So, SCANS ARE PROOF THAT I AM STILL STABLE or MAKING STEADY PROGRESS TOWARD HEALING. That's a week long mantra leading up to scans. Afterwards, I feel like I just signed a contract for another 8 wks, w mnths, 4 mnths, whatever. (I also dread the chest/abdomen/pelvic scans with and without contrast because the contrast gives me diarrhea for up to 3 days.)

As an important aside -- I totally believe in the mind/body connection and know the two converse all day long re breathing, processing and such. I send specific commands to my immune system and to my tumors, when I have had them, to do exactly as I say. Someone told me a story (a Survivor and a counsellor) that "her" doc told her of an inexplicable spontaneous remission. A patient of his was in the supermarket wandering aimlessly with lung cancer and her fears. A complete stranger approached her. The woman placed her hand on the upper part of this lung patient's chest and said YOU ARE HEALED. The next scans she had showed all her cancer had disappeared! That the doc could not explain what suddenly happened but for this story the patient told him and shared with my friend. THAT WAS WHEN I REALIZED FOR THE FIRST TIME -- healing does not have to be an inch by inch slow but steady process. HEALING CAN OCCUR INSTANTANEOUSLY. So I incorporate that newfound bit of wisdom in my daily routine of staying on top of the fears and worrys, the discouraging moments, the feelings of being overwhelmed by the task at hand -- LIVING AS A CANCER SURVIVOR!!

Hope this helps others to re-see their situation. You are not helpless in your fight. And you are not alone! We ALL STAND TOGETHER, AS A STRONG, BRAVE, UNITED FORCE OF RADIANT SOULS ATTENDING TO THE BUSINESS OF KEEPING CANCER AT BAY.

With love for you all, I send you healing Energy (as I believe I am overflowing w/it). I say THANK YOU with the gift of every single day.

ANDREA