Bad Day
 

Some days are just like that. I made friends with a wonderful woman at UCSF named Katie, I was just getting to know her and sometimes I would call her on the telephone and we would burn up the wires for awhile. I know she's been really sick and I phoned today and her husband answered. I said "May I speak to Katie?" he asked me my name and I gave it to him and then he said "Are you a good friend of Katie's?" Well I really didn't like the sound of that question and I couldn't help it, I said "Uh oh". He said "yes, Katie died over a week ago".

So I immediately started to cry and I just couldn't help myself. It is so difficult to have a conversation with a stranger when you just can't seem to stop crying. He was very calm and collected but he said he's had more time to accept this. He said the nurse's tried to keep her as comfortable as possible. Of course nothing he said really was working for me. I didn't like the "comfortable as possible" answer at all. It scared me. I tried to mind my manners over the crying though and I think I did OK. I just kept trying to say how sorry I was for his loss. So he invited me to an informal memorial and I just don't know if I am going to be up to it.

I am still trying to get into the Washington vaccine trial and it is so difficult and I just kept telling myself that I was not just doing it for me, I was doing it for Katie but now I've lost that piece of motivation.

So I lit a candle and had a little conversation with Katie and I hope she could hear me. Usually I never cry but today I just can't seem to stop.

Then I called the Ida Friend Infusion center to schedule my regular Tuesday infusion and due to the upcoming holiday they can't even squeeze me in on Tuesday! I just replied stupidly "but I always come on Tuesday's!" I guess that wasn't a very compelling argument.

Trying to be enrolled in the vaccine trial is a big stressor, my brain MRI is about to "expire", and the Principal Investigator has decided that a PET/CT scan is called for before I can be accepted. So I am struggling to get Brown & Toland to approve that ASAP, get it scheduled, get it performed, get the results, see what they are like, and get them to Washington ASAP, oh and then travel to Seattle by next Thursday or Friday at the latest. Piece of cake, right?

OK, I am definitly going to my knitting support group this afternoon.

Mary

Mary,

I'm sorry to hear that a friend of yours passed away. You said in you post that you were trying to get into the vaccine trial and that you were not just doing it for yourself but for Katie too. Please don't lose your motivation because Katie is gone. Remember, don't just do it for yourself but also for all the women on this board who could benefit as well. Cancer is an ugly and mean beast but you have to fight!!!

Mary, it really is hard losing friend to this disease, I know how you're feeling right now. Now you're trying to get into a trial which in itself is a major endeavor, so no wonder your stress level is high...I know you've probably heard this one before, but just try to take one day at a time, get done in that day what you can and then remember that "tomorrow is another day" :) It sounds corny, but it's helped me through some tough times.

<3 Lolly

Dear Mary,

I am sorry that you lost your friend. Try to remember that the nature of that friendship made it especially hard for you, as it touched you in a personal way, and reminded you of your own mortality.

When Al's Linda from this board passed away, I was shell shocked, and hurt in a very unusual way that I wasn't prepared for. Linda's passing reminded me that all of us exchange thoughts and ideas each day with people on this board, and sometimes lose track of the fact that every one of them is at risk of dying from B/C.

The reality of what you are all dealing with is sobering. I personally hope that you will continue to fight to get the best treatment available to you, and help all of us in a way that cannot be described. As well as helping us determine how well the vaccine works for you, you give us all hope, and hope is a powerful drug.

So I wish you all the best, and hope that you can put your grief to good use. I also wish you luck with your knitting support group. Now THAT Mary, is my idea of a real stressor. I watched my aunt knit since I was a child, and it always gave me a headache. I don't know how you do it, or understand it, but God Bless you for having the patience. Take care and keep fighting.

Tom

Mary --

Please stay strong and continue to fight for yourself and all of us. I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend Katie but am glad you came to the group for support. While most of us have never met, it's a wonderful group of people providing encouragement, love, and inspiration. Thinking of you and sending prayers your way.

Jill

Mary

Please stay strong for yourself....it is hard to lose a friend through this disease, but we all need to pull together and keep fighting....like someone else said, many of us on this board have never met, and yet we have a very special bond....we feel the pain when one of us loses the battle.....

Mary,

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I too had a friend that I made because we both were going through breast cancer. When she passed away, I could not believe it even though I knew the end was near. I guess part of it was that I thought in the back of my mind that it could have been me. I still miss her and at times I even think I see her in a crowd. And then I have to remind myself...

Take care of yourself.

I am sorry you lost your friend. I am in a weekly support group at the Wellness Community, and some of the women have a bigger fight on their hands than I do. I wonder sometimes if I will face losing one of them, or maybe they will face losing me. My boss also has breast cancer and, except for me, she wants to avoid cancer patients. I guess she thinks if she's not around it, it won't come back. I myself like the sharing, and I like the other women a lot. But to care is to risk. Please don't stop risking...Mary Jo

Thank You
 

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful, insightful messages. It meant so much to me to hear from each and every one of you. In fact, I wanted to respond personally to each email I received but I confess I don't know if that's possible.

I believe it is really good to just go on a good crying jag every now and again. After I got some sleep I felt so much better! This disease is so difficult, it just never goes away (duh). At times I feel a great sense of failure because I can't seem to put it out of my mind for very long, no matter how I try. Right now for me that's the hardest part, not dwelling on my own mortality and constantly speculating how much longer I may or may not have. When I found out that Katie died there were no more opportunities for speculation, for stratigizing, for hope. Not for Katie in this life.

However we who meet on this board are still alive and do still have hope. Morning is my favorite time, the weather has been so pleasant. I get a hot cup of coffee and may even take a few minutes to sit under the oak watching and listening to the Blue Jays exclaim that Yes! There is once again seed in the feeder! Spread the word!!!

That seems to be a good place to end. Summer is here and so are we.

Mary

Dear Mary,

Thank you for your words describing spirits plummeting and a real fear about loss and dying that I think many of us are dealing with to one degree or another on this board; especially when a good friend passes. It seems like you were able to stand toe to toe with your fear and your faith seemed to carry the day. It is hard to share these personal and fretful moments; I am grateful that you did.
Love Kim from CT

Mary, I am so sorry.
Like you, I was just getting to know a girl who was getting treatment. Hers was finishing as mine was starting but the wierd thing was we knew each other thru other people. Her name was Mary McAully and I met her @ ward 4c Gartnavel Hosp. She was the most uplifting person I had ever met. 4 months after finishing her treatment, she was gone and I can't explain to anyone, the effect her death had on me. At her funeral, I just cried and cried. Maybe she was the first person I had known, to die with Cancer while I was being treated for the same,I don't know. All I do know, is I met someone who had a profound affect on me.
Now, a few years on, I feel honoured to have met her, albeit for such a short time. They say that there is a reason for everything, I think that, if I had'nt had Cancer, then I would never have met this extrordinary person. So..!!!!!!
Like you, I lit a candle and talk to her. I also hope she can hear me.
Don't give up on the vaccine trial. You owe it to yourself and Katie to go on, or meeting her will have been in vain !!!!
I will light a candle for you and hope everything turns out well .

God Bless You
Geraldine x