Audrey -
You have been through a big chunk of treatment. You are being very open-minded about the possiblity of the cancer moving and striking again. This is a good attitude - but you need to find a way to temper this a little and "step beyond" that perimeter of caution tape that binds you.
I did not feel the way you describe after my first go-round of treatment. But my liver mets came so fast and furious that it DID have this kind of impact on me!
I did not know if I would EVER get off treatment. I pulled back from all kinds of things and started to get my 'affairs' in order. As I improved and it seemed I might get past the awful reality of perhaps dying, my mental attitude began to change. I began to treat myself, but not be frivolous. (I refrained from such things as expensive impulse buys, but made some improvements around our home and wardrobe a little at a time as I had the energy.) It was more of a "spiff up the environment" thing and seemed to give me and everyone else a lift that I felt like doing these things.
This kind of activity brought some normalcy back to daily life, and some promise for the future as I got farther out from my last chemo treatments. It is a "vicious cycle" in a GOOD way. Buying little gifts for my grandsons and nieces made them also feel like I was getting back to my "old "self.
You will see that you CAN make some plans and live like you intend to be here tomorrow. I figure after getting through one very tough bout with mets - that if it comes back, I will make it through again!
For some reason God wants me here, and I have confidence in this.
With that in mind I have booked a trip in August with my husband and had my first perm in 4 years!