End of my strength
 

After so much waiting, I finally had lumpectomy on 9/3/14. Pathology report said that there were 2 tumors found, margins in many places were negligible, and that the cancer is grade 3. Met with surgeon again Monday, we are awaiting the results of my Myriad genetics panel, and then will determine whether I go directly back to surgery, or have chemo first. There are so many horrible things happening in my life right now, I feel almost like I am cursed, and I just have nothing left in me to fight with. I am not a quitter, but I don't know how to find the strength to face all of the medical stuff again, let alone the very critical illness of my 6 month old granddaughter, and the process of unexpectedly having to find a new place to live, and a Mom with alzheimers who is just draining every ounce of strength that I have. Help.

Re: End of my strength
 

Pattymack, that would overwhelm anyone.

Advice is easy to give, harder to take. But here it comes:

1. Be very open to accepting help, and actively look and listen and ask for any until you get some.
2. Delegate whatever you can.
3. Even if your "list" of things to be done ends up with just a few things checked off by the end of the day, that's progress and give yourself credit for ANYTHING that gets done. Perfection is nice in good times, but let your goals be something you can hang onto.
4. Being organized helps to make each step go faster.
5. Some things WILL go "right".
6. I'm glad you are here asking. There are lots of people here who have questions like yours and others who have found some answers to share.

Hugs,

A.A.

Re: End of my strength
 

Hi Patty,

So sorry what you've been through. There's a Chinese saying describes exact the situation: "It rains overnight while one is having a leaky roof."

I had had a similar situation 23 years ago (Oct. 13 - almost to the date!) when I lost my job while recovering from my first brain surgery. I thought it was the end of the world ...

11 years later, I lost another hard-earned full-time job just a year after three shots of GKRS (Gamma-knife Radiosurgery)to control the three new growths.

Two years after that, I was diagnosed with Her2 +++ breast cancer.

Then after completing the treatment and losing two more full-time jobs, I was diagnosed with a recurrence just before a new job offer. I took it because we needed the money. So I faced another humiliating 'non-renewal' notice a year later.

That was six years ago.

Please contact your local United Way and the social worker of your hospital. Contact Leagal Aid and /or any other agencies that might provide any kind of help in your residing area. Call your local Republican Party / Democratic Party headquaters (There's a mid-term election going). Call your local newspaper/radio station ...

Hang in there. Help is on the way. You just have to believe it and get as many people involved as possible.

Re: End of my strength
 

Patty, often friends say "let me know if I can help". So DO it! Have a list of things. Like sitting with your mom, bringing some food, giving you rides. Whatever would help you
And find social worker support
Most important, just do the next thing in front of you. The things that matter. Take it a day at a time. Don't project too far ahead and get overwhelmed. First things first
Keep the faith

Re: End of my strength
 

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. All I can do is send cyber hugs.

Re: End of my strength
 

I'm so sorry that you are in this spot. I know that it is difficult enough to have to deal with the cancer without having to manage other very stressful things on top of it. A while back we thought my son was going to get a devastating dx and I nearly lost it. It feels like adding insult to injury. LIke others said, please try to find help whether it is emotional or people actually doing things for you. I hope that you can find the strength again. You will be in my thoughts. Linda

Re: End of my strength
 

When I was diagnosed everything collapsed. I had no work, I had to support myself and my 18 month old and my relationship became very toxic and I found myself in a custody nightmare...all while I was going through taxol. It was Hell. I had moments where honestly, I wanted to die so that's my life would cease. But then a client told me this: you're in boiling water right now, you are going to have to wait until it cools.
I took that to heart and made an appointment with a therapist. It saved me. I still see her every two weeks and yes, the water has cooled. It took some time, but it finally cooled.
It will cool for you too. Just take it day by day and if you can seek help.

Re: End of my strength
 

PattyMack I'm so so sorry that not only have you had to deal with major past medical issues bet yet again you are facing another major health crisis along with a grandchild with an illness and a parent with Alzheimer's it all seems to much for one person to have to endure.
I have had my own share of other major life issues including a child that they thought had Leukemia at the age of 1... The big difference is that I had time to take a breather in between crisis. I'm so sorry that you have this piled up on you at once. As others have said there are times I too thought death would be easier then dealing with this cancer ( and I'm as mentally as strong as they come) .
Please seek out help where and when needed. Take each problem one step at a time . Don't overwhelm yourself with things that can truly be put off until another day. And whatever you do don't forget how important you are to those who love you.
Tamara

Re: End of my strength
 

Thank you for all the encouragement you sent. It is really hard right now, I do think at times that if I curled up and never woke up, it would be OK. I trult don't mean it, but it is honest, raw feelings. If it weren't for my family, life would not be worth this battle, but I'm trying my best because I am watching my 6 month old granddaughter fight for her life, how can I do any less?

Re: End of my strength
 

I'm sorry Patty and know you'll find the strength to face all this one day at a time, you have a lot to live and fight for!

Re: End of my strength
 

Europa reminded me of a saying " when you're going through hell, keep going"! What else are we to do. And it does get better. Promise
Keep the faith

Re: End of my strength
 

Sounds like you have an awesome little fighter in the family! Its awesome to see you gain strength from such a little warrior. I'm praying for your whole family. Gods blessings all around. His Peace.

Re: End of my strength
 

What wise women on this board!
I am sorry you are dealing with all this. I too have my hands full right now and have wanted to find a tree to crawl under but I heard a saying " you never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have" I probably heard it here somewhere where all these wise women hang out. Family makes a big difference, hang in there.
Cathy

Re: End of my strength
 

Others have posted about crushing blows during cancer. I hope that it helps you feel less alone, that there are those of us here who know what it's like to be in the throes of a complicated and seemingly unending hell. I too can relate. I lost my father to a stroke and had to help my devastated mom. 11 months later my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer, dying 10 weeks later. And then of course i got diagnosed with breast cancer. At the end of my treatment my mom died of ovarian cancer no one knew she had. And even in remission it has not ended. My sister is a raging alcoholic now and i constantly fear her death. And all the stress scares me, will it make the cancer come back? It's so hard to understand why some of us are seemingly cursed at every turn. People say "you're so strong", but a) what choice do you have? And b) others would have given anything to survive the fight. We owe it to them and ourselves to see it through. You just go on. You rest, then pull yourself up by the bootstraps and go on. Be good to yourself, let others be good to you, and look for all the good there still is, all around.

Re: End of my strength
 

Dear Patty,
Sorry to hear that you are having difficulties. Some of the others have given you good advice. I can only say hang on in there, and send cyber hugs from Australia.
Best wishes..... Pam

Re: End of my strength
 

Dear Patty, Thank you for your honesty. Our site has been an orr out of the boiling water for all of us. The loving advice that others have posted is so true. When you have time and energy reread the posts and soak up the support. You have every right to feel as you do. you deserve to put yourself at the top of the list of who gets attention first. Please stay in touch. So sorry for the hell you are going through. May health and life get better soon for you.

Hugs,Catherine

Re: End of my strength
 

Hi Patty, I just wanted to join with what the others here have said and let you know I am thinking of you too, especially as the site has been down for awhile. Please post when you're up to it. I am so sorry for everything you are going through.

Carol Ann

Re: End of my strength
 

Holding you in healing love and light, patty.

Re: End of my strength
 

Patty...I CANNOT even imagine what you are going through...BUT, know I'm praying for you and asking God to give you much strength and peace in the days ahead...sending you HUGE HUGE HUGS!!!

Re: End of my strength
 

I really appreciate all the kind words and support, it means a lot. It all doesn't seem to matter so much right now, my granddaughter that I referred to in my original post is in the battle of her short little life, and if I could lay down my life to make her healthy, I would in an instant. She has been diagnosed with hyperinsulinism, a very rare congenital condition that is kind of like the opposite of diabetes, but not exactly. She has been sent from here in central Illinois to Philadelphia, where the best doctors in the world for dealing with this condition are, and even they are unsure how to help her. Ultimately, they will have to remove 98% of her pancreas, she will have to live on a feeding tube pouring sugar into, while she slowly becomes diabetic and will have to take insulin. It will be a constant balancing act to weigh and count every morsel or drop that goes into her, praying that as an active baby, that she doesn't pull the feeding tube out, because her sugars plummet so fast, she goes into dangerous seizures. All the while, this precious baby has the most beautiful, angelic smile on her face, and absolutely charms every one who comes in contact with her. If you would like to look at her story, my daughter has it on "caringbridge.org", her name is Adalyn Renken. Please kepp her in your prayers.