Anybody have any jokes they can share?
Your Duck is Dead–
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.” |
Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
O my! That is hilarious!
A junior high friend just posted this on his Facebook (sort of a 'practical joke'): http://www.wretch.cc/video/sky840120...le&vid=7062247 |
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I just bought a shirt that says "Yeah their fake, my real ones tried to kill me". I like sarcastic humor, made me laugh.
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my first chemo go round my sister was in charge of making me laugh. this one had me laughing out loud at my desk
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
This is why we get Vitamin D from (Vitamin D fortified) Orange juice :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AReD13DKT8g |
Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9oxmRT2YWw
I found this baby's reaction to his mom blowing her nose funny. When I hear of somebody swallowing their gum, I'm going to think of the photo shared above. HA! Paula |
Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
LOVE THIS. Thanks for the laugh!
Michele |
Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
Hi!
Not trying to "rush the season", but this made me chuckle. Good King Wenceslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked, "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?" |
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Jackie! I can't wait to go buy oranges so I can try the tooth thing! Too funny!
Okay...this husband is nothing like "OUR" husbands would be... When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. |
Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
DOG FOR SALE
https://exchange.wsd.k12.pa.us/owa/a...2lSrD326p15VZl A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard' https://exchange.wsd.k12.pa.us/owa/a...EcQJpCHlMhoZZq |
Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
Puns Intended(Unknown Author) ”1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 8.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’ 11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 12.. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’ 13. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 14. A backward poet writes inverse. 15. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 16. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 17.. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’ 18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 19.. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’ 20.. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 21. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. ”
Paula “I didn’t sign up for this! I know that I sang, ‘Wherever He leads. I’ll go’, but can’t we at least check the weather report first? How could God lead me into a storm like this one?’ Just cling to the knowledge that you could be in no safer place than a storm of His making. You are safer and more secure in the tempest with Jesus than you could ever be in the calmest place without Him. That calm, you’ll come to realize, is an illusion, and the storm is for a good purpose and a short duration.” --David Jerimiah http://www.buckcash.com/cancerisland...pred11_350.jpg |
Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
Paula,
Thanks for the giggles (and groans)...I love puns! I've already copied and pasted this to an email to one of my 'teacher friends' who is a huge pun fan. But more importantly...thanks for posting the David Jerimiah quote. It actually gave me goosebump as I read it. What a beautiful way to put things in their proper perspective! Be well, my friend, Denise |
Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
Funny, Clean Halloween Jokes
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Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
Anybody hear any great clean jokes/see cartoons they liked lately? Please share away--I'd love to enjoy them along with you! Laughter has done me so much good this year. Are there others here that look for funny things every day too?
I try and share humor most days in my blog and I think the one I posted today is hilarious: http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/710 ;), Paula P.S. It's totally a light hearted "just kidding" parent's joke--hopefully nobody will take offense at the humor as none is intended. :0) Also, here's a "Blonde joke" that I posted earlier this week in the blog: A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.” The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde lady sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.” The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. “I told her, “First class isn’t going to Toronto “. |
Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
Paula,
You KNOW I look for laughs all day, every day! Keep smiling! Denise |
Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
two peanuts were walking down the street
one was assaulted. |
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Chris!
That is my favorite joke ever! We really are kindred spirits! I also like... Horse walks into a bar Bartender asks, "Why the long face?" Never gets old! :) Denise |
Re: Anybody have any jokes they can share?
Ha, ha! :) Here's another:
A rather sharp blonde enters the library……..walks straight up to the librarians desk. She boldly asks for a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke. The librarian looks at her and says……”shhh, Ms….this is a library, not a diner”. “Oh”…..says the Blonde as she whispers.”…so sorry …..I would like a cheeseburger, fries and a Coke.” |
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