A little hurt.....long
 

As some of you may know, my brother is in the advanced stages of melanoma and isn't doing well. He has always been a bachelor. I have 3 other siblings, all of them are pretty much "screw ups" for lack of a better word. My younger sister is always borrowing from everyone she can borrow from, my older sister is living off the life insurance from her husbands aunt, and my other brother is in prison. My brother that is sick is a very honest, moral guy and has many times told me that me and him were the only two that never gave my mother any problems, I know he respects me more than he does the others. It has been my husband that has been taking him back and forth to MD Anderson in Houston. I am suppose to be picking him up this weekend. I have spent hours and hours on the phone with him trying to help him through it. The others have basically done nothing. When he got sick a year ago he called me and told me the plans of his will, he let me know that he was planning on leaving the house to my younger sister after my mother died and that my siblings were going to get the rest of the money because basically "i didn't need it, and that I might not live that long anyway " (put in kinder words). He seems to think that my husband makes good money and I am taken care of. (we are comfortable but not at all rich). He asked me if I was OK with this. To be honest, I was speachless, it was his money and all I could say was, " you do what you want with your money, you have worked for it". I have continued to be more than supportive of him and my husband has taken his time off from work and used his own money to go and get him from Houston. Well, my mother called me up a couple of days ago and told me my brother had just made his will ( he left it on the table for her to read). .She had been crying. She was very upset for me, he had not even mentioned me in the will at all...absolutely nothing. He has over 200,000 dollars and it was to be split equally between my other siblings, even the one that is in prision (and it not likely to ever get out). She told him that it was very unfair and that he should not have left me out unless i had done something to him, that he had 4 siblings, not 3. He told her that I was OK with it. To be honest, I am NOT OK with it. I am hurt as hell. It's not the money, I didn't expect to be cut in equally with the "needy" ones as he calls them. I just honesly didn't expect to be the only one in the family that was cut out completely, not even mentioned. I figured he would come around and at least mention me and leave me something,even just a token gesture. I'm a little angry, more at my siblings who suck and suck off everyone else and don't do a damn thing as far as helping out. I'm angry that it is always me and my husband and my mother that is left to do the problem solving and traveling. My brother is very stingy with his money and hasn't offered to pay for any of our expenses. I guess I should have spoke up a year ago but I honestly didn't think he would totally forget about me. I have never done anything but try to help him. I find myself now saying "screw it, let my sisters take their asses up to Houston to get him. Let them worry about how he's going to get up there and back. I love my brother and he is in a bind and needs help and I know I'll never turn my back on him. I am just now a little more inclined to let the others do their share. I pray every night that my brother beats this thing so that he can spend his money and there is nothing left for them to get, he is the only one who deserves it. I guess I'm just hurt now and will have to pray and get over it..sherryg

I am so sorry your brother acting that way. I have that problem with my sibling. I am the baby of 6 and I feel like I am the oldest. I help with child care for free, baby shower, christmas, hoildays, and I get no return when I need help. You need to tell your brother before it is to late. It look like he is reaching out to them for love. Good luck.

Rendi

He has said he is just trying to be fair and leave it to the ones who need it most. My other brother has been in prision his whole life and I doubt he's going to be able to spend 70 thousand dollars in prison. My mother seems to think that he feels if he leaves anything to me, it's like leaving it to my husband (who he thinks doesn't need the money). He honestly doesn't think I'm going to be around too much longer, which hurts me very badly. He doesn't have a lot of hope for me, even though I try to hold on . My husband is a good guy, who helps him all the time. My brothers thinking has never been too rational anyway, so why should I expect it to be now. I don't want to talk bad about someone who is in position but that's the way it is. He doesn't respect my siblings at all and has always talked terrible about them. I do not want to sound like a vulture picking at bones because believe me, I have been the one this whole time who has thought less about the money. It's just hard to be singled out and left out..sherryg

Sherry,

I agree with Rendi and believe you should tell your brother how you feel. Of course, you feel hurt and left out. Who wouldn't? Unfortunately, in this world money represents so much more than what it can buy--it has great emotional resonance. Perhaps Rendi is right, that he's trying to buy the love of his other siblings--and that he's sure of your love, which is a good thing. But you should tell him how you feel before it's too late. I'm really sorry for your pain.

Sherry,

I just went through this with my four sisters, My father who loved to stir he pot between us girls, disinherited me and left about 125 thousand to each of them. I was not surprised by it because if you did not have the same view of life then him you had better keep it to your self!!

Well guess who could not.... My father was a rascist and very verbally abuse my whole life. Well when I was told that my cancer was back for the 4th time, NOT ONE of my SISTERS or mom and dad called me, you see over the last 12 years we have never really talked about it because then it would be real??? Go figure, so after my father's death this past spring I told my family to stay out of my life, You see I also did the hoildays, bithdays , family problems guess who was called upon. Well once I was told I had cancer, I stopped after the first year because they n ever gave a crap about all of the time, money and energy it took.

SO TELL HIM< before you can't and then you will be hurt and angry, and that it is not good for your health! Trust me been there done that!


MPB

Dear Sherry,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through such a difficult situation. I am sure that it is already devastating to see your brother so sick in the first place, and that this is just an extra issue that you don't need. I truly feel that you need to express how you hurt you are. You know, no one knows how long they will be on this earth. Your other siblings don't sound so invincible, and as far as I am concerned, an inheritance is left to a person with good wishes and the intent to make life a little better for that person. I think you are a champ and will be here for a long time, but even if the worst were to happen, and you didn't have another 60 years to spend it, it could still bring a lot of joy through taking trips you might not have been able to, helping others in ways you always wished, or heck, if he really wants to show his love- he could help "the cause" in your honor so that others might not have to go through what you have. I agree, I would be very hurt. For me it reallly wouldn't even be about the money, but about the thought and about our relationship. Please express yourself, so that you don't spend time with bottled up resentment that may cloud the way you really feel about your brother.

Love, Kelly

Hi Sherry,
First off let me say that I am thankful you decided to bring this issue to us by your post. You definitely needed to get this off your chest and I'm happy you choose to to that.

Now, let me say, how sorry I am that your brother decided to do this. It truly sounds unfair (although I know fairness isn't what you are speaking of) and I think that you definitely need to sit down and talk this through with your brother. If you don't it will be something that will "eat" at you for the rest of your days and will always be a source of some anger and bitterness you feel towards your brother.

Sending hugs and encouragement to you Sherry.

Love,

Mary Jo

Sherry, I agree with the others you need to tell your brother how you feel. Otherwise it will eat away at you and this is not good for your healing process. A year before I was diagnosised my husband and I bought a house from my father to help him out financially, we gave him a $20,000 downpayment to pay off one of the loans on the house and we took over the house payment. Later the house was foreclosed on as my father took the money and invested it (which he lost) instead of paying off the loan. We didn't know this until we were handed foreclosure papers (he had 2 loans on the house) We tried every way would could to save the house but in the end lost it. I went into a deep depression for about a year. Then my husband and I were able to purchase another house. I was diagnosised with my cancer 1 month later. I vowed never to have anything to do with my father again as I felt the stress from losing the house had something to do with my cancer. I struggled a long time before I finally forgave him. In order for me to heal I needed to clear the hate out of my heart. Please tell your brother how you feel if nothing else it will lighten the load you are carrying in your heart. WE ALL THINK YOU WILL BE AROUND FOR QUITE A WHILE BUT YOU NEED TO HELP YOUR SELF TO HEAL BY GETTING THE "JUNK" OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

Hi Sherry, I believe you need to speak to your brother too, it need'nt be in a confrontational manner but let him know you do feel hurt about this..
maybe you could also drop a hint that you're really not expecting to go anywhere for quite a while to come!!
For some it can be a touchy subject but only if you make it so..good luck and I hope he understands.I too would be hurt at this whether I needed money or not,yourbrother has misread the situation and I'm sure it did'nt mean to hurt you.
Another idea is maybe have someone else tell him you're hurt if you really can't face the discussion yourself!

Dear Sherry,
It always amazes me when people are rewarded just because they are blood, not because they are deserving.
It is a shame your brother doesn't understand that he has the wonderful opportunity to leave a beautiful legacy. He could donate some of the money to a worthy organizaton/or/charity. It is obvious that he has no ill feelings against you or your husband, since he told you about his will. Explain to him that an inheritance is a gift of love....

It is so important that he understand how hurt you are. It will not be an easy conversation for you, be prepared so you can handle the topic with
calm.

I have a dear friend who is an angel, and yet I have seen injustice to her that is not fair or even reasonable. She often says, "No Good Deeds Go Unpunished." Hopefully this will not be the case for you.

Kind Regards,
jean

Sherry - as much as it used to scare me to be brutally honest or perceived as confrontational (and still does, but I battle through it) - if it were me, I would very factually tell him that he is wrong to think that you are OK with it, tell him that his decision hurts you and your husband deeply. I would set him straight, gently but firmly. In my opinion, morally, a will should honor those in your life who were present, loving, and giving first. Regardless what their life or financial circumstances are. Once that has been considered and decided, then, and only then, should others (whom you might feel responsible for, but who might not have contributed positively in your life) be considered for minor gifts.

Honesty
 

IS the best policy. I would be honest with your brother. Something along the lines of "I wasn't completely honest with you in expressing how I felt about your leaving everything to ... Upon reflection, I decided that I would feel (whatever word(s) you chose)...if I were able to treat my husband, who has always worked hard for me, and our children, to a (trip, vacation, memory)....Also, it would be nice to have money put away for your children's college (not sure of their ages)...

Tell him you don't want to feel penalized for always doing the right thing, for helping with no ulterior motives, etc.

I feel so badly for you...that is hurtful, but at least you're honest. My family (I'm one of 10 siblings) has always said that if everyone we knew died together -- we'd OWE money. No fortunes down the line, but that is alright!

Take care.

suggestion
 

Sherry,

It sounds like you are considering what would be a good way to deal with it, in a way that fits YOU and your situation -- even though you can't know for sure what the outcome would be one way or the other.

If you think it might help you to look at all the alternatives in difficult situations, a book I found helpful is "Your Perfect Right".

AlaskaAngel

My mother left almost everything to my stepfather and my half brother. There was very little involved but it still bothers me. I told her at the time that it wasn't fair. She said that I had a husband to take care of me. He really took care of me. I still resent it. My brother died before my stepfather and it is a real mess right now. But it does make you feel bad, of somehow feeling less important.

I feel like honesty is important. I do not understand why, if he has the money, you and your husband are having to pay expenses to take him to the doctor. My husband, the one I have now, not the one my mother referred, to has a saying. He says we have to pull our little red wagon together. It is okay to take care of others but not when it affects our ability to take care of our selves. Several years ago, I was hospitalized for depression. I did not know how to take care of me. During this time I learned about boundary issues. I think it would help you if you would read about boundaries. It seems to me that your family has similar issues. I learned that "No." is a complete sentence. Courtesy of Anne Lamott. I learned that it is okay for me to take care of me. I did not have to do everything that was asked of me, I did not have to loan money to my sibling and I did not have to pay my daughter's light bill. And that is okay not to take care of people who don't appreciate me. I have found that if I step back the world goes on without me. I am not saying that you should not help your brother, but that you should give others a chance to step up. He can afford to get someone to take him. Ultimately we are responsible for ourselves and I don't think we should reward people for screwing up. Sometimes people assume that you are strong and don't need them. It is very difficult to let that go and let people know that you can't do everything. I know you don't want him to feel that he has to buy your love, but is a very human need to be appreciated for what we do. It is very stressful being a saint. Or a martyr. Speak up, and don't get left with anger and resentment. He probably won't change anything. But it is okay for you to tell him how you feel. Do what you can for him without hurting you and your husband, financially or emotionally. If he needs you or your husband to take him somewhere, it is acceptable to tell him that you would love to but that you need him to pay expenses. Or that your husband cannot afford to take off work, because you have expenses because of your illness. These are reasons, not excuses.
I know this sounds very stream of conciousness writing but I have a craft sale coming up and don't have the time I would like to have to clean it up and write it right. I just hope it makes sense. If you get nothing else from this I hope that you will read up on boundaries. Please.

Leslie

A heart to heart talk, non-confrontational but honest, is what you need to resolve the obviously unfair arrangement. It is the recognition for your past and present care, using your (including your husband) own time and money to help him out in both health and daily issues. Don't keep the problem inside of you, because it will not help you physically nor emotionally. Do this ASAP while he is still having a clear mind. Best of luck.

Dear Sherry, I really don't know how to respond. You've always spoken of your brother as such a good guy. It seems your brother does not want to intentionally hurt you and probably doesn't realize how this affects you - especially since he may think this was all "discussed" last year. It's important you let him know this. I agree, you need to share how you feel about this while you can. For both of you.

You've gotten a wide variety of responses on this thread - all based on people's very personal experiences with issues such as this. They are such tough issues - and it's so tragic that how the money is shared can so easily eclipse what is really important - which is how the love is shared.

Sherry, you've always been there for your brother, he knows this and expects this from you. He also knows that you will not turn away from him because of who YOU are. I can't begin to know how his thought process worked on this one (although I could make a lot of guesses). I think his slight is not deliberate - I don't think he set out to hurt you - but it is ill advised. Maybe he would want to understand how you feel.
Much love,
Chris

Sherry I think that your brother is no wrong ..HE IS SUPER WRONG " because he should leave no only 70 K to you, he should have all the 200 k to you just because your are sick and for the same reason you can not work ......the other's are healthy and I agree w/ everybody that talk to him

Sherry,

If I were in your shoes I would definitely have a talk with your brother. It's not that you and your husband "need" or "don't need" anything, it's a matter of principal. From what I've been reading you and your husband are the ones who have been giving your brother the support he needs. If you don't speak to your brother and tell him how his decision has affected you, before you know it you will begin to resent him through no fault of your own. And as for your brother thining that you don't have much time -- I'd have to tell him otherwise. You are a fighter and are going to be her for a long time to come. Please talk to your brother before a wedge is driven between the two of you.

I agree with the rest, that you should talk to your brother and let him know how you feel. Grief sometimes makes people do strange things. I think you will feel better if you at least talk with him.

Dear Sherry,

You are a wonderful person and sister, talk to your brother while you still can. You are going to be around for a long time, don't live with this bottled up inside you. I pray that everything works out for you and I am praying for your brother also.

Thank you all for your responses, I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do but I know I am not wrong. I think I do have issues with setting boundaries, I will say "no" then my mother calls me repeatedly and talks my ear off about how my poor little sister will lose her job if she takes off work (she works for my husband, so she is not about to be fired). How she is 78 and can't do it alone and that my brother is not giving her any money to help out, and then I say OK, I'll do it. My mother has no income, lives off social security. My brother is and has always been very stingy. He has never really done anything for anyone in the family and has only even become somewhat friendly since he got ill. He thinks that it is completely OK to ask us to drive to Houston and back in one day to get him, so that he doesn't have to pay for a hotel room. We're talking about a 10 hour round trip drive here, not including time spent at the hospital. I am not going to do this and I have about had it with his stingyness and letting me and my husband pay the bill. This last time when my husband took 2 days off work to drive him down there, he did not even offer to pick up the dinner tab when they went out to eat. We have always let him get by with this because he seems to have a sickness when it comes to letting go of money. I am going to have a talk with him when he calls and let him know that if he wants help, he's going to have to at least pay the expenses for us to come down there and back. I think I can get over being left out of the will but I am fed up with being used. Yes, I do need to say NO and make it stick.... sherry

I think you have wrapped your head around this very nicely! You go girl!

Sherry,

You have no reason to feel guilty, whatsoever We know it's not the money that's the issue for you, but rather, the sense of appreciation that is shown by such gifts. While I'm sure your brother isn't intending to hurt you, I do think he needs a little reality testing. You've been there for him 100% and his leaving what he has to your other siblings is essentially telling you he doesn't appreciate all you've given.

As others have said more artufully than I, though, please don't let this fester since it cannot be good for your own physical and mental well-being.

Wishing you the best.
Patrice

Sherry, I agree mostly with the others. We all feel that sense of betrayal, confusion, and unexpressed gratefulness when we do things out of love with no recognition or thankfulness for our labor of love. I would go to your brother with an open, forgiving heart and ask him the simple question "why?".
Let him know how hurt you feel and how much his actions have affected your life. You have been the strong one, Sherry. The one who has done the honorable and caring things for your brother at what may be the last days of his life. Don't carry that anger and hurt inside your beautiful heart. Meet with him and let the tears flow, open the gates of truth, and lay your pain on the table. I wish you so much love and strength at this trying time. You and your family are in my prayers. Much love, Vickie

Sherry,
You seem such a loving person, and given so much to your brother. I feel like I have to ask a question: Why is it so hard for you to tell him how you feel about not being included in his will? As other members have noted, money represents much more than just money. Maybe you don't "need" the money as much as your siblings, but you certainly deserve it the most. What's the worst that can happen if you tell him? He needs you - let him see this is important to you - not because of the money - but rather being included in the will shows that he cares about you and feels grateful and close to you in a way that he doesn't feel with his other siblings.

Best,
Monica

I really should have told him how I felt when he brough it up in the beginning. I guess I was in shock. Since then, he has consistantly talked about "vultures picking at the bones", "people hearing the jingle of coins" when talking about certain members of the family. I guess I didn't want him to think that way about me. But then he makes a will and leaves it all to the "vultures" as he calls them. Like I said, my bother has a sickness with let going of money. He will not even spend any on himself knowing he is probably in his last days. I am pretty sure everything will come out in the open soon. I told my mother to tell my sister to take a day off work and make that 10 hour drive (because he won't pay for a hotel room) this time. It was her turn to pitch in. My brother and my mother are always fighting and I have been consistantly put in the middle and frankly I am tired of it. I have been hurt enough this year listening to all of it and I have already told my mother what my new boudaries are and I'm going to have to tell my brother also. I just have to make them stick. I have to keep my health up, and this situation has stressed me to the max..sherryg

Sherry, good for you - stick to your guns, make sure your own health and well being comes first.

familiar familial dysfunction
 

Hi, Sherry -

I can certainly relate to how hurt and angered you are as a result of your brother's decision to leave you and your husband, who've been there for him through his illness, out of his will. My mother was cut out of her father's will, in favor of her brother, who was always in trouble and in need. I'm sure that both my sister and I will be cut out of our parents' will, because we've refused to put up with their abusive b.s. over recent years. And I've cut my oldest daughter out of my will, because she knows that she betrayed my trust two years ago, and refuses to acknowledge my hurt or apologize for her actions.

It occurs to me that the excuse that you don't "need" the money may be a cover-up - afterall, many people leave inheritances to people who don't apparently "need" more wealth.

Perhaps, instead, your brother is (unconsciously or consciously) angry that he is dependent on you and your husband - most men's egos really suffer from their loss of independence. Or maybe that he feels that you will outlive him and go on to have a good life, unlike your ne'er do well siblings, whom he needn't envy. So he justifies not having to "help" you keep living any better than you already are...

Karl Marx, the so-called Father of modern Communism, wrote: "To each according to his need, from each according to his ability." It seems that your brother is following this dictim in his will, though it's likely he doesn't sympathize with the politics or economics of communist idealogy.

You might consider letting him know that YOU plan to write your will by some other idealogy - like fairness, equity, or based on merit, and you wish he'd do the same, since you feel hurt that he's left you out entirely. More boldly, if you're energized and righteously indignant enough to carry it off, you might suggest to him what YOU'd think was fair (like an itemized accounting for the expenses you've incurred while taking care of him, that you might have otherwise spent - including hourly wages for yourself and your husband - on your own recreation).

In the end, you may not succeed in changing your brother's mind, or will, but I agree that letting hurt and anger simmer, unexpressed, is usually harder on us than finding a way to be honest about our negative feelings. Especially if you have no intention of bailing on him at this point (which, truthfully, I might do if I were in your shoes... My motto often is: Don't get mad, get even!), think of all that resentment you'd be stuffing as you chauffeur him here and there and provide emotional support.

(((hugs))) & wishes for your successful resolution of a painful dilemma,
Sandy in Silicon Valley

No one hurts you like family. I also feel you should tell him that you were shocked to learn he'd left you out of his will - that it made you feel that he didn't care for you or appreciate you and it has hurt you a great deal. Since you and your husband seem to be the most together ones, it would seem to have been more logically to leave it all to you with the understanding of helping out the others in a prudent way.
That said go outside and yell at him (not really at him just into the wind) and let it go.
Stay happy and peaceful in your life and look after your health.
big hug
sarah

Are we related????
 

Sweetheart I think we are related!! Same nonsense here, I stayed near family to help and I, of all relatives, am the black-sheep. NOT!! And neither are you. You need to take care of yourself and if talking helps, speak your mind. I always speak but sometimes it is better for me to talk to the terd I left behind in the commode than to try to speak to my certain someones. But taking care of relatives that disregard your respect is tough, was it really so difficult for him to recognize who has been there for him?? And you are also battling your own beast of sorts. I think Sandy said it right about the male ego. Listen to our other Warriors, their advice is priceless! Please put the anger slowly aside Sweetie, with time all wounds heal. I totally relate to the 'disfunctional family thing' and as hard as it is for us, I must. Bigger and better fish to fry so to speak.

If you ask me Sherry, I think that you have the most wealth of the bunch. You are strong and beautiful, so full of life. You have learned lessons thus far that many shall never know. Take the time you are given and reverse all of that pain into something positive hard as it may be. And know that anything I have said here has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MONEY. How dare anyone not realize what a giving, loving person you are and shame on them for the lack of respect!! And for the silent siblings who are never there...shame on you too!! Uggh!! I love you Sherry, please take care of YOU first!! Hope I helped even a little>>Believe51

Chrisy, You said it exactly as I would.

I agree with all the others too.

Sherry, I think you are wonderful in taking care of your brother. I wish you courage to be totally open and honest when you talk to your brother ASAP for your own well being. I think your brother will be glad too.

After you talk to your brother, you'll be feeling so much better!

Hi Sherry -
How are the "new boundaries" going??

Did your sister take the Scrooge to Houston this time?

Don't let them drag you kicking and screaming back into the old pattern, OK.

Have a happy holiday this week - you deserve that.

Dear G*d, I am thankful my family does not let money come between us. No one is very rich, but we all have more than adequate incomes or ways to make what we need. One exception, my sisters's stepson, who has a wife who won't work and continues to spend ...

your brother's very common but unwise response
 

Hi Friend,
I am sorry you have been hurt. It seems that your brother has fallen into the pattern of rewarding unwise decision making. The wise thing seems to me to give you your share and give you your siblings' share in trust for them since you have proven yourself capable and worthy. For most people with money problems, the problem is not solved by more money. I wish that your brother could see this, but how many of us can think clearly when our circumstances are as dire as his? I know he didn't intend to hurt you, but I am sorry that he did unintentionally. I hope that things can be resolved in a judicious manner that is not hurtful to anyone.
Love, KathyH

Keep talking everyone. I made a will and wanted to leave leave it all to one niece whose parents are not well off. I have two other nieces from a well-off family. My lawyer gently guided me to leave something to all of them; I certainly love all of them. I don't plan to check out soon, but I think it could hurt them to be left out. Your brother is trying to take care of the screw ups. I think you should talk to him.