again with the blues
 

Hi all,

just having a rough day. Nothing in particular. Well except cancer. I have scans next week too. I'm sad to think that maybe my run with Navelbine will end and then we have to face decisions and then what. I mean I know there are options. But i, just like all of you, want it gone. I would like to wake up some day and know that it is gone and I don't ever have to face it again. But, I know that is not possible and that makes me feel alone and scared and angry. All I want, really, is to grow old. So many people get that opportunity and I don't understand why I can't have that. It is so unfair as you all know.

When will my body say it just can't handle more drugs? When do they all just stop working? Why can't this dumb thing just be fixed? Is there any hope that some treatment will really work after all the ones I have had? Is there any real hope at all. Any hope that I will get to raise my kids? Meet my grandkids? Outlive my driver's license expiration?

I'm so sad right now. I don't know what to do.

Oh Joy, I feel the exact same way you do. Everyone tells me "you're doing so good" (because I am in remission). They just don't understand the fear of this thing coming back and not being able to stop it. I too would just like to grow old and raise my kids. I look at old people and feel so envious. I have my good days but it's always in the back of my mind. Sorry I can't be more encouraging, except to say I understand how you feel and you are not alone in feeling that way. There is always hope and faith, that's what gets me by...sherryg683

Joy -i Understand What You Are Saying...there Is A Lot Of Whys-what Ifs And Will They Questions...i Do Not Have Any Answers ...but All One Can Do Is Take One Day At A Time....easy To Be Said...but All One Can Do...maybe They Will Find A Cure....maybe You Will Meet Your Grand Kids ....try To Enjoy Each Day....dont Lose The Good Days Now When You Feel Ok....as It Says In The Bible Tomorrow Is Promised To No One......all We Have Is Today....bless You Joy...and I Hope And Pray God Watches Over You....and Heals You ...and Blesses You With A Long And Happy Life...i Hope I Said This In The Way I Meant...take Care Joy....

Dear Joy,

When I was first dx. I was feeling really frightened and very much alone.
I had one of my close friends tell me - she could get hit by a bus tomorrow
and yet in my mind I answered with - "well I can see the bus and the license plates on it"...I believe each one of us is worried and frightened at different
times - this cancer is like a hellish roller coaster. There is no easy answer
to reslove the emotions we endure.

I don't think stage even matters - all of the woman worry about this
disease. Our state of mind is so very important (the mind helps the body)
I am not saying that we will heal ourselves through our mind, rather I
believe we help or assist our bodies immune system to flourish and fight back.

I try not to have the cancer define me and take over my days to the point
that I can not function (which can easily happen). I also find it helps to
think of all the women that are surviving and doing well. (And you can and
will too)!

What helps me is to look around me and I see many who are less fortunate.
The world is full of bad things happening to good people. (Just recently the
nightmare at Virgina Tech.) We never know what tomorrow will bring
and it just might be a cure. I say to myself daily I can beat this and most
important I remember that I am not alone, I have my sisters on this
board to help me when I need it. Every day is a gift, please Joy don't
waste a day in fear - enjoy each day and live it.

Hope you feel better - sending you many hugs!
Jean

Joy,

I feel your pain. Perhaps the upcoming scans is what is making you feel so down right now. I know that when I have scans scheduled that's when I'm at my worst emotionally. I'm praying that your scans will be okay and you won't have to make any decisions about treatment.

Joy,

I am so sorry you are going through a rough patch with your treatment now. So much of bc is mental; it is not enough that our bodies bear the brunt of this disease, but our hearts and minds suffer even more. So many times I have read your posts and felt your light shinning off the screen and bathing me in its glow. But even our sun doesn't shine brightly every day. Every now and then, a cloud crosses its face, only to have it re-emerge and shine even brighter. This is how I think of you. I have no answers for you (none of us does, but you know that), just whatever positive energy I can send your way. You give so much to us all - I'm glad you let us know you can use some to come back to you. You are in my thoughts.

Best of luck to you with your scans.

Hopeful

Dear Joy,
I wish that i could wave a magic wand and make "IT" all go away! I'll send healing thoughts and vibes your way and as Hopeful said , the sun will shine again for you soon.
I have my scans next week too, on Wednesday the 25th, and am feeling anxious too. The folks I work with just don't "get it" and keep nagging me to put on my happy face. Survivors are entitled to feel whatever they feel, when they feel it ( we have earned it) !

Big ginornous hugs,Marcia

Joy And Serenity For Joy
 

Dear Joy,

I was so touched my your posting. We've all been exactly where you are. Cancer, I've learned, is all about FEAR. Conquer the fear, the worries, the "what ifs" and you rid your body of toxicity that will hamper your immune system and make you feel mierable. I've learned (since '95, and again in '98, and all the days inbetween and since) that I must refuse to allow thoughts full of poison to ravage my body and my life. So, not to get sappy, but I have learned, through meditation, and reading wonderfully inspiring books I now call Spiritual, that WHAT YOU FOCUS ON ALL DAY WILL CALL YOUR "DESIRED" OUTCOME TO YOU. I live with an open heart, becoming a vessel if you will to receive pure, unconditional Universal Love. It fills me up and radiates from me, as it overflows. I give it to every one I meet. I believe in the mind/body connection and instruct my body daily -- NO MORE CANCER. I WANT TO LIVE WELL AND HEALTHY. I KNOW that I have the personal EMPOWERMENT to draw what I want to me. The ENERGY I send out is sensed, and responded to IN KIND, by the Universe. My loving Energy is matched and returned to me, like a boomerang. I live AS IF what I want already exists. It does. Out there in the stratosphere. I am a living magnetic field. I draw HEALTH AND WELLNESS to me, calling out to it, commanding my body to get it's act together and start functioning properly. To kick start my immune system. I command myself to live! I envision myself far into the future, surrounded by family, glowing and happy. I see this in vivid details. I thank God every single day for my good fortune. For my blessings. I give of myself, serving great purpose, helping others and reminding God of the many good reasons I need to remain alive. Love, Gratitude, Joy, Serenity, Laughter, Compassion take over, alter your body chemistry and keep you in Harmony. Friends look at me and say, You have breast cancer and look at you. What am I looking at? You look so -- happy and peaceful!! That is what I wish for you, Joy. And for all you great ladies out there fighting for your lives. Sending, loving, healing Energy...ANDREA

Joy I'm sorry you're having a sad day,I think we all get them no matter how positive we are in general. I'm stage 2 but understand and have those days myself,but in my case it's usually when will the stage iv come...how many years will I have after that? Maybe I'll die within weeks?? It's all negative thinking but we can't help ourselves and I think it comes with the disease!
In truth we have to go right down in order to come up smiling and hopeful again and I have no doubt you will.
In the meantime I'm sending you lots of good healing vibes and a few cyber hugs thrown in!!
Hang in there..tomorrow will be better.

Joy,

So much of this mess is hard. I think the diagnosis is like getting thrown off a cliff, the stages are just how high. Like Chris Martin sings "How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?"

I have said this before: we should be offered a class in test psychology. I have a scan on the 2nd and feel myself slipping a little. Sometimes denial land looks pretty good.

I hope you have good results and that smile is on your beautiful face again soon!

Hugs to you Joy....................

I think, if we're honest, we all feel how you feel from time to time. It hits when you least expect it. I felt so bad when I read your post because I would love to just take it all away from you. If I could, I most surely would. But, obviously I can't. What I can do is pray that our Jesus would wrap you in His arms of Peace and hold you close and that I have done.

Today is all we have. Our tomorrow's we can't change and our yesterday's are over. TRY to enjoy this day.

Loving you as a "sister" on this journey,

Mary Jo

Dear Joy

I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I find I often go through that when i feel the treatment isn't working and may have to go to another one. it just feels endless some days and i ache for my former life when i felt well and never had anything wrong with me.
I don't know how to get through it - it is incredibly hard and mostly lonely cause apart from us guys - no-one really understands how it feels to be you.
We are here for you as you have been for so many of us.

love
linda

Hang in there Joy. I hope the scans come back wonderful. You can't do anything about a situation that doesn't exist yet. So take that worrying energy and put it towards enjoying life.

I spend some amount of time everyday worrying, and I do have a good imagination, but come back to why worry about some possibility? You can't get upset about it until it's identified. Then you can research and work up your best plan of action.

It's good to vent. Keep up the good work, Bev

Dear Joy,
And that, for me, is what this fight comes down to...living long enough to raise your kids. A mothers love. You hit the nail on the head. What a wonderful, loving, caring mamma you must be.
You can give and give and give for so long and perhaps you just need to rest for a few minutes. Dear Loving and evelasting God...your ray of light on earth, Joy, is just wanting to feel healthy, to continue to serve you in great love; to lovingly raise her children. She is exhausted, God and she is worried about her upcoming scans. She is sick of being sick. You are the great healer, God. Hold Joy in your arms, heal her and help her find peace.
Please stay with us Joy and let us know the outcome of your scans.
Sisterly love ... Kim from CT

Joy - all I can say is that I feel exactly like that so very often. Those days are a struggle and sadly are just part of the package. I agree that all I want is to just be able to grow old. We are so very lucky to have each other here on this message board. We really understand what each other is feeling and going through... and our well-partners and well-friends just can't comprehend. I wish love, prayers, energy, and light for all of us here. Especially you today.
LIVESTRONG!

I'm listening. All the very best to you and yours. And robust health to you in particular.

Banish those Blues
 

Joy,
I felt so sad for you when I read your message! I felt the exact same way last week and had a long, hard cry in the shower where no one could hear me. Please know that all of us on this site feel your pain. You are not alone in those places where our mind tends to go when we feel down. You just have to remember to not visit that sad place too often or for too long. I am sending you warm thoughts and prayers that your scans will come back "Great" and you can once again, be the Joy that you are to all of us.
Happy thoughts coming to Colorado especially for Joy.
Emelie

I'm going to print...
 

all of the advice, shared thoughts and prayers and keep it in my nightstand! Thank you for such beautiful and passionate responses. I'm better today even though the cleaning elves have not showed up. I guess I'll be occupied with toys and laundry and vacuuming and grocery shopping-like a normal person, huh?

I really needed all of your reminders for daily life with this disease and like always, on this board, I'm moved by all of you and need you and love you.

You Are One Beautiful Soul! Wow!!
 

Joy, Your way of expressing yourself moves me so. Your genuine sentiments and your humor make you glow, even in cyberspace! I think I'm in love. I have felt, and lived through, everything you comment about. Please stay in touch with your Essence, your Soul, your Spirit. It has eons of wisdom and wants only to help you. It is your Inner Voice. Your Teachers, Guides and Guardians Angels walk with you. They speak to you. Listen. They love you. We are never alone. Never. We are always divinely connected!

It a joy to meet you, Joy! Stay in touch. Stay strong, brave and determined, loving, full of laughter and humor, giving and grateful for your blessings. Work each day toward becoming a miracle. You're doing a thumbs up job! My prayers and thoughts are with you. This is one lady headed for NED! Look out world!
ANDREA

Hi Joy,

I have decided to keep a graph with my general emotions mapped out. I find that I have this cycle of emotions leading up to and away from scan time. It makes me feel like I am going crazy. My life feels like a roller coaster ride and in the past I always tried to stay very even with my emotions.

I call scan time inscanity. It feels like I can't get a grip on the fear factor. It can take over my daily life. You are not alone.

You can always come to us because we can understand as well as anyone.

Love, Peace, and Hope,

Carolyns

thank you again
 

Joy, I am sorry you are feeling so sad and blue once again but take comfort in knowing that we all from time to time slip back into that mode and certainly with the anticipation of getting scans and waiting for the results. Yes there is reason to hope and think that someday you will be done with this cancer...you have to have hope and think positive and never ever give up. You are so young with possibly many many years ahead of you to enjoy. It may be with continued treatment but you can do it. We are stronger then we think. Just look back at all you have conquered and continue to conquer. This is not the time to throw in the towel and give up. Periodic sadness and depression are normal and a part of all of this, but the majority of the time we are busy, productive and happier. If it ever gets where the majority of the time we are sad and depressed, then it is time to seek professional help. Staying well or reasonably well with cancer is so reliant on our attitudes and frame of mind too, not just the drugs. I hope you make a turn for the better and your days are filled with less sadness and worry.

INSCANITY -- I totally relate
 

Around a week prior to scans (which were every 8 wks, then I graduated to every 3 mnths and then begged and got every 4 mnths -- this is many yrs after my mets into liver -- and was told firmly BUT THAT'S IT. YOU CAN'T GO ANY LONGER.) -- I get crazed. Feel stressed, overwhelmed. Try to talk myself down. Once I tackled my laundry room sink which was badly, disgustingly stained when we bought the house. On my way out to the garage each and every day, I must pass this eyesore. I took out every cleaner I owned over the past decade from my cabnets and made my concoction. I used brillow, a sponge with a gritty side, everything. THAT SINK GLOWED WHEN I WAS DONE! And I swear I felt a bit better. I took out my aggressions on that damn sink and now enjoy the fruits of my labor. When I went for a manicure, my manicurist asked, after gasping, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NAILS??!!

Meanwhile, I tell myself, in my pre-scan mode, I will be STABLE. I will remain STABLE. My scans are only proof of my remission. Before, w/multiple mets in my liver, I had specific instructions written by the doc ea time for exact size of ea tumor. I'd get a copy of my every 8 wk report (as I request copies of everything JUST FOR ME). I read and re-read and compare to last report. I take a totally proactive approach to my treatment -- participating in my own wellness! This mkes me feel a sense of control over my out of control situation that dictates my life by necessity. My out of control defective gene is kept in check by Herceptin and my mind's daily instructions to my body.

At first when I'd compare the difference in size of each tumor, I felt I'd worked so hard, on Taxotere, and had slow but steady progress. Then my husband Paul would figure the overall square of the area of each tumor and the #s jumped off the paper. I was making way better progress than I'd thought.

So, SCANS ARE PROOF THAT I AM STILL STABLE or MAKING STEADY PROGRESS TOWARD HEALING. That's a week long mantra leading up to scans. Afterwards, I feel like I just signed a contract for another 8 wks, w mnths, 4 mnths, whatever. (I also dread the chest/abdomen/pelvic scans with and without contrast because the contrast gives me diarrhea for up to 3 days.)

As an important aside -- I totally believe in the mind/body connection and know the two converse all day long re breathing, processing and such. I send specific commands to my immune system and to my tumors, when I have had them, to do exactly as I say. Someone told me a story (a Survivor and a counsellor) that "her" doc told her of an inexplicable spontaneous remission. A patient of his was in the supermarket wandering aimlessly with lung cancer and her fears. A complete stranger approached her. The woman placed her hand on the upper part of this lung patient's chest and said YOU ARE HEALED. The next scans she had showed all her cancer had disappeared! That the doc could not explain what suddenly happened but for this story the patient told him and shared with my friend. THAT WAS WHEN I REALIZED FOR THE FIRST TIME -- healing does not have to be an inch by inch slow but steady process. HEALING CAN OCCUR INSTANTANEOUSLY. So I incorporate that newfound bit of wisdom in my daily routine of staying on top of the fears and worrys, the discouraging moments, the feelings of being overwhelmed by the task at hand -- LIVING AS A CANCER SURVIVOR!!

Hope this helps others to re-see their situation. You are not helpless in your fight. And you are not alone! We ALL STAND TOGETHER, AS A STRONG, BRAVE, UNITED FORCE OF RADIANT SOULS ATTENDING TO THE BUSINESS OF KEEPING CANCER AT BAY.

With love for you all, I send you healing Energy (as I believe I am overflowing w/it). I say THANK YOU with the gift of every single day.

ANDREA

Oops I Forgot
 

ONE LAST THING -- I HAVE MY DOCTOR REQUEST same day results AND GET UP EARLY (WHICH IS NOT MY THING GENERALLY) to get the first appt, which I schedule 45 days in advance, in accordance w/my insuranco co's requirements. Sometimes, I know by 11 AM. SOMETIMES, I must call my doc's office and ask them to get on the case. The imaging center closes promptly at the stroke of 5 o'clock. I explain that neither my husband nor I will take a breath until we hear. Sometimes we have to wait until 4 o'clock. But we get the results SAME DAY! An eormously relieving experience, I don't have to tell you.

Once I had scans on a Fri. Things got messed up, my doc wasn't in the office to ok release of the info, and Paul and I had to wait an entire weekend to hear. We were beside ourselves with anxiety. BE GOOD TO YOURSELF and look out for your best interests, making the process as easy as you possibly can -- and staying on top, in control.

LOVE,
ANDREA

JOY JOY JOY....
I hope you are feeling better after all the STELLAR advice, words from the prayer warriors, and all the other positive energy from everyone. I have to tell you, I feel better myself after having read them! Hope you don't mind me standing in the flow of all this love and wisdom with you.

I can, we all can, relate to the wanting it to just not be there. I think Andrea has it right. Thanks for your posts, Andrea.

I know that sometimes it just gets too overwhelming. But you of all people, have such a strong spirit - I think that fear will not find it comfortable to be hanging around someone like you for long.

Hugs and prayers - and an end to scanxiety!

Joy - I have been gone for a few days and I am sorry to read that you have had the blues. You have an amazing spirit, my prayers are with you that you get very good results with your scans this week.

I caught this post late Joy. However, I;m giving you a belated hug of encouragement right now and pray you will be feeling better.

One of those days
 

Hi Joy,
We all have those days when everything seems grim. What I try to keep in mind is that there is a ton of research going on. When I was initially diagnosed in 2002 at age 32, I had stage IV breast cancer and no one had heard of herceptin. I assumed I wouldn't live long since the tumor was so aggressive. I got AC/T and radiation.

3 yrs ago I found out I had mets to brain and liver - figured that was it, but had Herceptin and Navelbine for 2.5 yrs.(no one had heard of Tykerb then). It was effective for the longest time my oncologist had heard of. After that, the scans showed the tumors were growing again.

I managed to get into the tail end of a clinical trial for Xeloda and Tykerb. 6 weeks in, the scans showed that my tumors were significantly smaller and some had even disappeared.

I assume this combo won't work forever either, but try to keep in mind that by that time, they may have found something even better.

In a wierd way, we're lucky we have such aggressive cancers because they have much more research focusing on them, and it's easier for differentiation between rapidly growing normal cells (i.e. hair) and even more rapidly growing cancer cells.

Hang in there.

Hope this helps,
Susie

You have received some wonderful suggestions, Joy! Remember we are all praying for you and thinking of you. One more thing: it has been proven that if you will make your self smile when you feel down, you will actually begin to feel better. Look in the mirror and make yourself smile and then laugh---you really will feel better! I know I can't look at your wonderful smile without smiling! Hope things are better, and remember: keep smiling! Hugs, Tricia

As a male non sufferer I feel totally unqualified to try and get more than a glimpse of what you all really so bravely endure. It is not that I do not wish to offer emotional support it is just what ever I think to say seems rather inane in the circumstances and context of your experiences.

I can offer up the results of my reading for you to think about.

Please do not take this post as a suggestion that you are suffering from any sort of mental condition - its just researchers do not do the feeling a bit down. But the brain is the same one.

- it is made up of 60% plus fat. It does not work as well if it does not have enough omega three (DHA and EPA in particular)

- women have a higher need for omega three than men.

- most in the western world have an omega three six imbalance (much more six than three)

- if you don't eat it, and your body for any reason cannot make it or does not get the raw materials you are going to be short of DHA and EPA.

- there are a host of trials suggesting the importance of omega three to mental well being.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/q...play&DB=pubmed

You might like to read Smart Fats or the latest version M Schmidt which looks at the issue in depth. You will find it for a few $ on the WEB.

And lots of trials suggest omega three DHA in particular may help reduce the risk of BC.


RB


Here is an abstract for a recent trial

"Omega-3 fatty acids can help to prevent the development of certain cancers, particularly those of the breast and colon, and possibly of the uterus and the skin, and are likely to reduce the risk of postpartum depression, manic-depressive psychosis, dementias (Alzheimer's disease and others), hypertension, toxemia, diabetes and, to a certain extend, age-related macular degeneration."

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/...l=pubmed_docsum
ABSTRACT


This review details the specific needs of women for omega-3 fatty acids, including alpha linoleic acid (ALA) and the very long chain fatty acids eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) and docosahexaenoic acid (DHA). Omega-3 fatty acid (dietary or in capsules) ensures that a woman's adipose tissue contains a reserve of these fatty acids for the developing fetus and the breast-fed newborn infant. This ensures the optimal cerebral and cognitive development of the infant. The presence of large quantities of EPA and DHA in the diet slightly lengthens pregnancy, and improves its quality. Human milk contains both ALA and DHA, unlike that of other mammals. Conditions such as diabetes can alter the fatty acid profile of mother's milk, while certain diets, like those of vegetarians, vegans, or even macrobiotic diets, can have the same effect, if they do not include seafood. ALA, DHA and EPA, are important for preventing ischemic cardiovascular disease in women of all ages. Omega-3 fatty acids can help to prevent the development of certain cancers, particularly those of the breast and colon, and possibly of the uterus and the skin, and are likely to reduce the risk of postpartum depression, manic-depressive psychosis, dementias (Alzheimer's disease and others), hypertension, toxemia, diabetes and, to a certain extend, age-related macular degeneration. Omega-3 fatty acids could play a positive role in the prevention of menstrual syndrome and postmenopausal hot flushes. The normal western diet contains little ALA (less than 50% of the RDA). The only adequate sources are rapeseed oil (canola), walnuts and so-called "omega-3" eggs (similar to wild-type or Cretan eggs). The amounts of EPA and DHA in the diet vary greatly from person to person. The only good sources are fish and seafood, together with "omega-3" eggs.

This is another very recent trial suggesting the importance of omega three to mental well being.

RB


http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/q...=pubmed_DocSum


ABSTRACT


"......Experimental studies in animals have shown that diets lacking omega 3 PUFA lead to substantial disturbances in neural function, which in most circumstances can be restored by the inclusion of omega 3 PUFA in the diet. In the past 10 years there has been an emerging interest in treating neuropsychological disorders (depression and schizophrenia) with omega 3 PUFA. This paper discusses the clinical studies conducted in the area of depression and omega 3 PUFA and the possible mechanisms of action of these PUFA. It is clear from the literature that DHA is involved in a variety of processes in neural cells and that its role is far more complex than simply influencing cell membrane properties."

PMID: 17392137 [PubMed - in process]

Joy, Please just hang in there. I know that is a cliche, but we must do just that sometimes. With our doctors, family, friends and God we can get through the tough times. I feel alone many times in this -going over things a million times- but after all that, we just have to press on. In friendship, Ceesun

Dear Joy,

Thanks for sharing your bad day with us. We are all blessed to have this wondeful forum to share and connect. You have all taught me so much. Joy, your picture in particular always puts a smile on my face. Now I am picturing you pushing a vacuum cleaner and wearing an apron. Next come the yellow gloves and the toliet brush. LOL

As usual, our sisters have given great advice. I too take special notes to my night stand. I am glad you had such a nice list to read and reassure you. I will hope and pray that the scans will give you good news. Be as kind to yourself as you can. You deserve the best.

Love to you, Catherine

Catherine
 

Hi Joy,

You were so helpful and encouraging that first day I called "Hope Lives. " Thank you for being there for me. Please know that I will be sending lots of positive thoughts for your scans next week.

Karen

Hi Joy,

I am thinking about you and hoping that you have a good weekend. Praying for good scan results.

Love, Hope and Peace,

Carolyns

Joy, The one thing that I can say for certain is that we all have "those days" and times. It's interesting about letting loose in the shower, because that's where i feel the most comfortably bawling my brains out. I'm vunerable and alone and I don't have to be strong for anyone.... I can just cry to my heart's content. By the time I'm dry and dressed, I feel a bit stronger and feel as though i can face the world again.
The emotional roller-coaster that this this disease creates is tough, but please know that there are literally thousands of us that are pulling for you and will be there in spirit during your next go- around.
Love,
Carol

Joy,

I'm so sorry that you have to go thru this as well. Someone on this site said something that's stuck with me a while back...
"This disease MIGHT dictate how long you live but it doesn't have to dictate how you live". As so many have said, none of us really knows what the future holds but one blessing is if we can all learn to appreciate the "now". Enjoy your kids and all that you have and try not to worry about the future (I knoow it's easier said than done).

Big Hugs,
Eric