Just a little peeved and sick of it
 

I am finding myself in the worst of moods lately. I am tired of feeling awful all the time and trying to be strong for everyone. No one here seems to care or sympathize with me at all here at home. My mom preaches to me about how at 38 she conquered her bout with uterus cancer (she was barely stage I and didn't even need chemo) and how she's 78 and could die any day but you don't see her worrying about it. All she does is talk about my sister and my sisters problems...hell my sister is healthy at leas . I bite my tongue with her constantly. Before Cancer I was always very health conscious, worked out in the gym 5 days a week and was very thin and in great shape. All this chemo has put 10 lbs on me and I hate it, I'm not fat, but heavier than I've ever been and uncomfortable. Instead of saying "honey you look fine", my husband keeps telling me that as soon as I finish radiation, I can get back in the gym and get the extra weight off. I want to kick him right in his big, flabby belly and find myself resenting him more and more. I serious doubt that I will suddenly regain the energy I once had as soon as I get off rads. He doesn't seem to want to give me any sort of affection unless sex is involved , I would die for a good back rub with no strings attached. I don't want pity, I would just like a little concern and consideration. I recently went into remission but my oncologist recently told me that he thinks if I am going to have a reoccurance, it will be very soon, within the first 6 months. This has got me very worried and moody, so maybe it's just me, but no one around here seems to understand my worrying, I'm suppose to be a happy camper here, but hell... I have Stage IV cancer. Sorry to vent here but I figured this is the place where someone would understand. I am just afraid that I will never be able to go back to the old "me" I once was. I miss the "old me"...sherryg683

Sherry I am sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time right now. Its good that you feel comfortable coming here to vent. We on this board know all too well how you are feeling. Some of us have been through the same thing, some have had the support they needed from their family, some have had to reach out to friends and what ever works is o.k. Maybe, you need to be right up front with your husband and ask him to rub your back. Tell him you are exhausted, tired, from all the toxic drugs in your body. You need to rest, and get your strengh back and until you do you will not be yourself. I read a book once and it said if someone tells you they are here to help you and to call them if you need something then you need to be specfic and tell them, I need my house vaccumed, or someone to go grocery shopping for me, or drive me to the doctors. Ask them to come and visit, have tea, set and chat with you. People are not mind readers, and they don't know how you are feeling, so its up to us to reach out. Friends want to help but are scared in their own way. We are scared. Right now you are thinking, "why is this happening to me". Your life has been turned upside down it will never be the same!! Sorry, I don't want to discourage you but it will get better. Hang in there and take one day at a time, and some times it will be one moment at a time. It is like starting over with baby steps, taking a few more each day. I did lots of praying, as well as crying, finally started going to a small local church. They were wonderful, and supportive. There were those that would bring me a hot meal, come to visit, take me out to lunch. Its hard to look too far ahead as life is so uncertain right now. Only take a day at a time and don't look too far ahead. Your husband is going through his time and this maybe his way of covering up how he feels. That too will change. Please keep us posted and if you feel you need to vent here no one will judge you for it. We have all been there and done it. You will hear from others that can say it better then me. You have a right to be scared and will be expecting a reoccurence. I spent a whole year doing just what you are doing. Remember that may not happen. Doctors don't know everything they go by stats and stats have been broken. There are many on this board that are stage IV. You will hear from some of them I am sure. I will be praying for you. Sending you a big hug, Sandy

Wow...
 

Sherry, I must admit that you have a reason to have your Calvins in a knot. At the risk of betraying my own gender, I can give a small bit of advice. With respect to the lack of emotional TLC you need right now, just "close down the goody store" until you get what you need. That seems to be the age old remedy I am told. As far as the backrub, take a hammer to the piggy bank and go get one on your own. There are usually qualified massage technicians available nearby.

Message to Hubby: Be thankful she has the flabby belly to aim for rather than the DNA factory. Here in Philadelphia several days ago, a woman physically tore off her husband's testicles with her bare hands during a moment of rage. Try to be a little more thoughtful. Given the prevalence of all varieties of male cancers these days, you might very well find yourself in Sherry's medical predicament some day. At that moment you will understand completely.

Message to Mom: Any of us could die at any moment in a car accident, but that doesn't make it any less traumatic when worrying about a serious disease that alters every facet of your daily existence.

You know Sherry, you might consider a one day walkout, to let everyone involved see what there lives would be like without you. Sort of the Jimmy Stewart "It's a Wonderful Life" approach. These things may seem harsh, but you deserve a break so that you can spend your time taking care of you, and not the rest of the civilized world.

And don't tell anyone you heard it from me, but women with a little meat on their bones are VERY attractive. Keep your chin up. Things will get better.


Tom

Hi Sherry, You are by no means alone in how your feeling. I personally feel its good to vent. Its such a shame though that I feel the ONLY SAFE place for me to vent is on two boards I visit. Your story about how it seems nobody at home seems to care or can sympathize with you is exactly how I feel here at home. (Your post sounds so much like one I would write.)

You also mentioned how your SUPPOSE to walk around and be happy all the time when you have stage IV cancer. My heart really goes out to you because I certainly cannot by any means know exactly how you feel...but pretty close to it. I have stage IIIA, Her2/Neu 3+++, node positive but I am SUPPOSE to act like nothing has changed. I should be smiling 24/7 and laughing and I have actually been told to just QUIT dwealing on it...as it won't change a thing. (I wish it was just that easy as I am sure you do too.) We go through all this chemo and feel like crap, lose our hair...have nothing but doctors appts and lab work, scans, etc. Our lives have been turned upside down overnight. A total nightmare as far as I am concerned. But to make sure THEY aren't uncomfortable...we should act like all is right with the world so we don't upset anyone.

I agree with you, I don't want pity, but just SOMEONE, anyone to just TRY to understand what I am going through and facing. Its not easy. I really DID expect more from my family. I feel more isolated now then I have ever in my entire life time!

In your post one other thing that really caught my attention is how your not suppose to worry. Ha. I have actually been told several times when I am having a rough day to "Just quit worrying, it won't change anything". (Gee, thanks for the support, I love you to.)

I just really feel for you Sherry. This is a rough road we are all on and most people just don't get it...or they don't try too. Don't you just want to knock them upside the head and ask them what planet their from?!

I wish I could do something for you to cheer you up. All I can tell you is your not alone. (I know that doesn't help.) :( I can send you a big old cyber HUG. Its so sad when we thought the ones that would really rally around us and give us that extra support and love...are the ones that expect us to act like we were just told we broke our arm and it will be fine in no time.

Please feel free to vent away any time. Believe me, your post hits home with so many of us going through this. I really wish I had the right words to say, or just anything to help you out. But we do care and I know I can tell you I understand how your feeling. I am sending you another big cyber hug and warm healing thoughts from me to you.

Hang in there.

Chelee

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sherry,

I am so sorry you have to go through this while you should be saving your energy to be fighting for yourself. You have given to your family your whole life and now when you need some TLC it's not forth coming.

I am going to throw out another approach; it may help or it may not. But when they say these things and right when they are saying these things to you, just say "ouch", nothing more, and if they say what, just say those words hurt my feelings. Sometimes people don't realize what they are saying and I know I do this all the time, I hold it in and then some little thing makes me blow... and they don't understand why I got so mad over something so small when it really was over things that have been building up for a long time. Now I try and put it out there when it's happening so they realize that those words hurt and I don't appreciate it and w/one little word they are getting the message. It doesn't happen over night, but it saves my energy for more important things, like taking care of myself. Then maybe they will get "it", words hurt and I need some help and support I would hope could come from my family. Hopefully they can put it together and start to help out? Just a suggestion.
I know your post just pulled at me, I feel for you. Not pity but very familiar. The first couple of years are the hardest, not knowing if your going to reoccur or not, and I wasn't stage IV, so I can only imagine.....You have come to the right place, vent, vent, vent. I pray you don't reoccur and as far getting back to the same old you, it will happen, but in a new way, this is all still very raw and fresh for you, time, it does make all the difference. Stay Strong Sherry, my best to you.

Sherry

I have also walked in your shoes, probably more on this board than you would believe. I have added 20# in 2 1/2 years of stage IV....I know its there, I don't need my spouse to remind me! It is hard to live with uncertainty every day, especially when you don't get the support fom your loved ones and especially your spouse. I guess they forgot the FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH facet of their vows. I get much support from my parents, and my sisters, and my children are grown, I try not to burden them. It is scary but I seem to get more support from the neighbors than my own spouse....I guess he thinks having cancer is like getting a cold, you'll get over it! I even bought a book for husbands on how to deal with their wive's breast cancer...it is sitting unopened for 2 years starting to get dusty!
I have taken control over my own life...I no longer feel guilty if I want to go somewhere and he doesn't...I GO! I live every day like it is my last, and savor every minute. In 3 weeks I am going to Key West with a girl friend to get away for 5 days....and I'm not looking back, I will put CANCER on the back burner and enjoy every minute. Life is to short....live each day, and if others dont want to be there for you, find people who do! You deserve it.

I hesitate to post this but it is back to the diet thing.

I am wondering more and more if the impact of Herceptin in blocking fatty acid pathways does impact on DHA etc.

Smart Fats M Scmidt is a very good book on the impact of dats on all sorts of brain factors including emotional background. I am not saying how you feel is to do with diet. Just being under the weather does not help any of us cope.

If you have not checked out the posts on omega three and six etc on this site please take the time to do it.

If nothing else it will keep your mind off dwelling on other things.

I don't envy you your dilemas, circumstances or your intenal anger and deciding how to deal with it. There are better placed than me to comment.

I did see a documentary on a woman who went through chemo and came out the other side and with lifestyle changes said she was physically fitter than she had ever been.

I hope the clouds clear and the sun comes out.



RB

Yipee! I'm not the only one!!!
 

Thank god someone else feels this way! I just got out of the hospital due to radiation lung damage, depression, (one of my chemo buddies died on monday) and anemia. I wish I could give you a hug, I thought I was the only one with those feelings. THANK YOU so much for your post.



Shawn (yes I am a girl, lol)
Stage III
HER2+++, ER-PR-

Dear Sherry,

From my perspective, I think one of the reasons family can seem like they don't care enough is that they just can't even allow themselves to go there, or to think that you might die. They go on like you just have a bad cold and will be back to your old self in no time. Not that it makes it right, but I think it is their way of coping. There were times when I didn't want to hear, "Oh, You'll get through this and You'll be fine". I guess what I needed to hear was, " I/We worry about you so much and just don't know what I would do without you". Let's face it, we all worry about what would happen if we were no longer around.

My mother has always been my rock. She has known great personal loss over the years(my 2 yr. old brother was hit by a car on my 5th birthday, and then lost my father in 1978 in a plane crash. She also was with her sister when she lost her battle with BC) so she knows all too well the importance of expressing your love when it counts.

In my almost 10 yr. battle with this disease, my husband and kids have gotten so much better about doing little things to let me know how important I am, but there was definitely a learning curve.

Please always feel free to vent here, cause their are lots of us who can relate!

Love, Kim in CA

I know how you feel! I remember that when I had my first chemo treatment on a Thursday and went to work the following Monday when I came home after working all day and feeling like crap, my husband and mom were just sitting on the patio. I had hoped that they would have jumped in and made dinner for everyone including my 3 boys. They both jumped in once I started slamming pots and pans around in the kitchen however. It wasn't that they were insensitive it's just that I had always done alot for everyone and I think on some level they felt that if I kept up that routine then we all would be OK. Finally I had to just lay it out there and say that I couldn't do this or that, you will need to do this or that and really had to FInd My Voice if we were all going to make through this. This is all about you right now and if they cannot see what you need then you need to tell them or distance yourself from them. I had to distance myself from one family member for months because he always made me crazy with the clueless things he said. At first I tried to explain to him what was going on, how I was feeling etc. He consistantly tried to make it about him and finally I just told him that I had enough shit going on right now and couldn't deal with his. We have since made up and have a much deeper relationship as a result of this. It is one of the silver linings in all this - I try to only do things and be with people that enhance my life and have let go of the many obligations that I really didn't want to do or ones that simply sucked the energy out of my life. Found My Voice and Enjoying it! Tami

Dear Sherry, I hope the caring and sensitive replies you've received here have helped you with all you are going through! This is the place to vent. I agree with all that's been said, and especially that it may be time to let the insensitive people in your life know your feelings and what you expect. Sometimes people actually think they are helping by talking tough, maybe by not showing their own fear or feelings. Thay may actually think that acting as if nothing is wrong with you is helping you cope. What a stupid idea! I have noticed that there are people who "rule the world with a sour disposition"; everyone tiptoes around them. I'm not suggesting you take on that persona---it obviously is not the real you---but maybe it is time to express your strong feelings and let them know you will no longer accept the insensitivity from your family. Do you have a friend, a counselor, a pastor or someone who can help you confront your family? They need to be told in no uncertain terms that what they are doing is detrimental to your health. Your onc may be able to suggest a counselor who can help you. You do not have to take such treatment from a spouse or any family member! And again, who knows what they are really feeling. They may be petrified that you might not make it. It needs to all be brought into the open, and I do suggest you have an ally with you to confront them. All of us on this board wish we could be there with you to do just that! We do pray for you and send out love and strong positive vibes! Let us know how things go, and if you have to vent here every day, do it! Hugs, Tricia

Sherry;

I do so agree with everyone and know that we are 100% behind you and understand what you are going through. Unfortunately perfect families live only on tv and not in real life. You have changed from this experience and that means that everyone you are involved with is in flux.... in a different environment than existed before breast cancer. Telling those you love what you need and how their behaviour is affecting you is only fair to you and to them. God bless.

Cathy

Thank you all for understanding. I actually sat down and had a talk with my sister today who understood how I was feeling perfectly, she even cried with me. She said she told my mother, that she needs to quit comparing her cancer to mine and my brothers and start showing a little more compassion. I neglected to say that my brother was diagnosed with skin cancer near his temple a month before I was diagnosed. The doctors gave him a 40 percent chance of reoccuring and told him if he did reoccur, he would probably have around 7 months to live. There's not much progress in skin cancer treatment. So mom has 2 children diagnosed with cancer within a months time. She gives him the same preaching talk, she gives me...he tells her where she can go with it. Actually, my mom drives everyone crazy, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised she's doing it with me. I know my mom has got to be hurting terribly and I know she loves us so much, maybe trying to be overly strong is her way of surviving. My husband and I have been through extensive counseling before I was sick and we really work on communicating, so I have talked with him about how he's acting many times. He always says he's sorry and will make an effort to change, he changes for a day or so, then goes back to normal. I think maybe he is trying to distance himself from me to protect himself in case something does happen. I know when I was first diagnosed, my 17 year old son, just got absolutely rude, mean and disrespectful to me. He was constantly away from the house partying with his friends and when he was home, he just didn't act like the same sweet kid he had. I finally jumped all over his butt and he said something that I'll never forget ..he said.. "mom, how do you think I feel. Do you think I want to stay around here and watch you die". I was floored and it hurt so bad and I tried to reassure him I wasn't dying. But although his words were hurting, they were honest. It didnt' excuse his behavior to me but it did explain it a little bit. He has since become a lot more loving and concerned. I guess it's a lonely walk that we with Cancer walk. People really don't know what to do or say to us. At least I know I am not alone in my feelings. It does help to vent, I am going to start seeing a counselor next week. Thank God for these boards...sherryg683

Yes, thank G-d for this forum. My heart goes out to you Sherry. None of this is easy and we will all have our good days and bad...our ups and downs. You need to know and believe you are not alone and we all understand. Just reach out and vent whenever you need to because although I am new here, I found out fairly quickly that everyone here cares and wants to help everyone else out.
I never realized that chemo causes weight gain. I always thought people lost weight on chemo due to being sick from it and from either decrease in appetite or lack of appetite. Man, I really thought I might lose some extra weight, now that bonus isn't going to happen either? Why do you gain weight from chemo? I am so disappointed! http://her2support.org/vbulletin/images/icons/icon8.gif

Hi Rinaina, I thought the same thing...at least I'll lose weight...WROng. Breast Cancer is one type of Cancer that you usually gain weight from. My Oncologist nurse told me that she normally sees women with breast cancer gain weight, where as the other cancers lose it. My breasts have actually gotten bigger, even the one I've had the lumpectomy in, I sure didn't want larger breasts. Usually it's from the Decadron, or steroids they give you before the chemo to reduce the bad side affects. I had absolutely no vomiting or nausea with my chemo. Sometimes its from the type of Chemo itself, I was on Taxotere and my Oncologist told me that it was known for putting the weight on you, usually 10 to 15 lbs. I have always been so able to control my weight with working out and eating right that I was determined that I would not gain weight. Again...wrong. It just came on me although I wasn't eating any more than usual, I wasn't able to work out like I use to. I got sort of a swollen puffy look, like a lot of fluid retention. I have been off the bad chemo for a month now and have lost about 4 lbs. but still have some to go. Some say Herceptin will cause you to gain weight, others say it doesn't . I've heard it makes it harder to take it off. I think the weight gain has hit me harder than being bald..lol...sherryg683

Dear Sherry,

This is where Linda and I were very fortunate; we never experienced the "relationship tragedy " of cancer. It is common knowledge that Breast cancer is knock the shit out of your sex life. Linda was always very self consious of that and always talked to me about it. I think Linda and I had a unique relationship where we stived to maintain the "status quo" but never got uptight or threatened if it didn't work out occassionally. After all, I wasn't always there when she needed me.

The message to your husband is this: your life has changed forever, in the blink of an eye. You have a few options: you can refuse to accommodate your wife, you can cry in your soup, constantly if it makes you feel better, or you can trandscend all this image stuff and start living your wife as a person. Jesus, who gives a crap about 10 pounds???

I appologize as I have very little patience for supperficial love.

When Linda was diagnosed, the first conversation we had was about our relationship, not that she ever doubted my views and committement but we needed to bring it all to the table. We both vowed to make EVERYDAY count, like it were our last. That we succeeded.....not one wasted ay in almost 3 years. Linda vowed that she would get more from cancer than cancer took from her, meaning, when you face your own mortality, you are forced into introspection of the meaning of life, love and family. This was our triumph against this disease; where it could be other's tragedy.

I would kill to have the priveledge of being with my Linda for one more day or even a whole year, being in a comma, non-responsive and all, rather than missing her the way I do. Maybe this is getting too personal but; that is my message to the men who can't see the beauty they once married, the sweetness in the spoken word...just holding hands.

Guys, once it's gone...it's really gone, and I sure don't want anyone to regret unfinished business, or unresolved love.
Al

Hi Sherry, I agree; the weight gain was worse than going bald. I've put on about 15 lbs with Taxotere + Herceptin and even tho it's been 6 mos that I've been off Taxotere I do think the Herceptin does make it hard to lose the weight. I've tried diuretics which have maybe helped with a pound or two, but it just comes back on after a bit. So, I wonder is this the new me? Do I go out and buy clothes a size or 2 larger? I keep hoping it will shed, but now that I've realized I'm to be on Herceptin for life, I think I just have to get beyond that. I also feel for you, and I'm glad you've had a chance to talk to your family. They need to be told how their actions affect you as they may not realize what they are doing and you need their support. It sounds like you're on the right track now! Good going girl! Janet

I in no way want to redirect this topic, but I just HAVE to say one thing about "Al's" post and his love for Linda. Your are ONE in a million. Your post just brought me to tears.

I have been with my husband for 26 years and I THOUGHT this would bring us closer. I feel so alone...he acts like nothing has changed. He is good about taking me to appointments, and going to the store and such...which I appreciate. But he has made some comments that sometimes makes me wonder if he wishes I wasn't here. I know this has turned our world unside down. Its not easy for either of us.

He is more into his tv set, and making this cancer all about him to his friends and work buddies. I can't even discuss it with him. I can see him getting mad when I do. I got all upset last week over all my doctors visits and just had chemo...not having a good day. I started crying while I was making out the bills. He sees me and says "Oh COME ON NOW, I don't want to hear it."

I am not allowed to feel bad or show emotion. Thats why I think Sherry's post hit home with me. I thought the ONE thing I MIGHT get out of this beast is it bringing us closer together. (I was wrong.) Its like NOTHING has changed. Its like I have the flu and will be better in a few days.

But gosh Al...your Linda was ONE LUCKY women to have a MAN like you! A true man that many of us women would kill for. I seriously cried reading your post about how much you loved Linda and would give anything to have her back...even in a coma. I feel like I am just in the way of my husband retiring like he planned. He wanted to retire and move out to some land some where. I have throw a monkey wrench into that plan. But I thought I was MORE IMPORTANT to him than anything else...but I am not really seeing it that way. I feel alone in all this. I wish my husband cared a little bit more then he does.

I am so glad to hear Linda was loved so deeply and completely, and you guys could talk so openly. I really loved your post. I bet Linda is smiling big time. She was so blessed to have such a wonderful man in her life.

Chelee

Sherry, I feel that perhaps what we learn from our troubles is to try and understand ourselves and others. While your mum talks tough, perhaps she is unable to show you how worried she is. I had a friend who is a naturopath,and she had a very close friend who had a recurrence. She wanted this friend of hers to get on all the naturapathic medicine that my friend recommended. But her friend said "I respect your beliefs,(naturopathy) and I hope that you respect mine. Right now I need you as a friend, not as a naturopath or as a counsellor." Sometimes we just have to get down to tors and say what it is that we really need, right there, right now. Love, Roz

Wake Up Call
 

To the dear women that are going through the gut-wrenching, heart-breaking journey of battling for their lives against this putrid scourge, I say simply this:

Show the men (and women) in your life the post by Al a few posts back. Insist they read every word. Then tell them that THERE is the role model they should aspire to in all they do with respect to the women they vowed to love, back when they were thinner, fatter, less wrinkled, had all their hair, did everybody's wash, cooked every night, took the kids to their activities, cleaned the house, handled all the bills, and didn't have to spend hours a week with a needle in their arms filling them with toxic solvents to keep them around for a few more years of dedicated servitude to their families.

AL GETS IT... AND I SUSPECT HE HAS ALWAYS GOTTEN IT. And even after all of his love and devotion for his beautiful Linda, he now has only his photo albums, memories, and a heart shattered into a thousand little pieces. WAKE UP FAMILIES...your most precious gift is at risk of being no more. These are the times that love was made for...don't waste another second being selfish.

Most of the time I come to this site and read the many things that are posted here and I shed tears. I thought I was done for the morning, but I just read what Tom wrote and again tears streamed down my cheeks and my nose started running, had to go dry my tears and blow my nose.

But after we have catered to them for so long, our families that is, sometimes they just don't know how to do it back, not for any length of time anyway. I was very lucky that my mom came right away and stayed for four months and packed lunches, made breakfast, did the laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, and ran the kids around and took care of me, etc. An amazing thing happened, other relatives came to help her, my sister, my aunt, another aunt and uncle, a cousin, my mother in law. Anyone that came once chemo started got a flu shot. I was truly blessed, but it was the love of my mother I think that brought those others out to help me. Now mind you her actions and words didn't always go together, her actions being better than her words. I am not close either, the shortest drive was 3 hours, which was my sister and mother-in-law everyone else came from another state. SO she had six weeks of help, I had an immediate tram flap reconstruction after mastectomy, so finally right before chemo I was actually able to walk almost upright. My mother left and went back home in January. So I got to go back to being mom again and trying to do everything ( this was all while taking the taxotere which I just finished the middle of March), and about after two months everyone (2 kids and husband), started to take me for granted. I had to let them know how I felt. My husbands seems to have gotten on track, but has to be reminded every now and again. But I think the kids just wish it would all go away. And as my hair comes back (very slowly), they will be able to look at me again for who I maybe once was, but never really will be again as cancer has changed me, I am not sure to what yet though.

But Sherry, you are definitely not alone.

And I know how you feel about the " anyone dying any day" thing. That is so insensitive, and people just don't realize it, no matter how true it may be. But when you stuggle with a disease, it is a more in your face kind of thing.

You hang in there! What's the song they play when they kick someone off American Idol, oh yeah, - Had a Bad Day -. But you will have better days!

My heart goes out to you.

No half-measures
 

Wow, this is something we all struggle with every day. For me cancer has really been all-consuming. I try and try, but somehow it's just there every minute of every day. The beautiful becomes even more so, the trees are alive and breathing, the birds are living, singing spirits. The thought of disappearing, a little each day and ultimately having to leave the party early, never goes away. I think anybody who doesn't want to hear about it and preaches about having happy thoughts hasn't, obviously, been where we are. Sometimes the devil on my shoulder even wishes they could be, just for a day. That would surely wipe the sunny smile off their smug faces.

Anyway, I read something recently (gotta love those classics!) that really spoke to me. It made me realize that these are timeless struggles that we grapple with every day.

"Look, one day I had gone to a little village. An old grandfather of ninety was busy planting an almond tree. 'What, grandad!' I exclaimed. 'Planting an almond tree?' And he, bent as he was, turned round and said: 'My son, I carry on as if I should never die.' I replied: 'And I carry on as if I was going to die any minute.' Which of us was right, boss?"

He looked at me triumphantly and said:
"That's where I've got you!"
I kept silent. Two equally steep and bold paths may lead to the same peak. To act as if death did not exist, or to act thinking every minute of death, is perhaps the same thing. But when Zorba asked me the question, I did not know.

"Well?" Zorba said mockingly. "Don't worry, boss, you can't argue that out. Let's talk of something else. Just now I'm thinking of the chicken and the pilaff sprinkled with cinnamon. My brain's steaming like the pilaff. Let's eat first, ballast up first, then we'll see. Everything in good time. In front of us now is the pilaff; let our minds become pilaff. Tomorrow the lignite will be in front of us; our minds must become lignite! No half-measures, you know."

Hope you like the passage as I did.

Mary

Al I know you are hurting but you will heal enough to realize that it is not now nor never will be " really gone"--that my friend is the miracle and wonder of true Love

"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white
sails in the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an
object of beauty and strength and I stand and watch her until at length
she is only a ribbon of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to
mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, "There! She is
gone!' "Gone where? Gone from my sight---that is all. She is just as
large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side, and
just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of her
destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her and just at the
moment when someone at my side says, "There! She is gone!" there are
other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "There! She comes!" And
that is dying. --

just had to write to express how nice it was to hear what both Al and Tom had to say and you better believe that I will be having my wonderful hubby read their posts. he has been very supportive going to every appointment with me so far but he isn't very expressive emotionally and sometimes us women just need to hear things. I can so relate to what was said by some about how at times the tv seems more important or playing golf is more of a priority, etc, but that doesn't mean they don't care. Some just have trouble putting it into words or wanting to because it makes them too sad to think so much about it. In my case, I know he cares very much even if he doesn't like to talk about it. It is too difficult for him to think about it and talk about it, but I know I can count on him. Al and Tom you are both two very special men.
Now about this weight gain issue. May I please complain about how bummed I am that I will be gaining weight from treatment! Darn right angry over it too. I work so hard at staying in shape and still am not at my ideal weight by no means and now I am going to gain even more weight! Geeeezzzz, losing hair is nothing, we all get it back but the weight gain....now that is a serious problems and it sounds like it doesn't come off that easily. Any feedback from other members? Thank you..
Rina

Rina
I have gained 20# and wish I new the magic to take it off...I exercise, eat healthy, I dont know if its the medicine or more age and hormonal related...I am 54. I don't like it either, and have to hear about it from my spouse, but I feel its a small price to pay for my life... so goodbye 6's and hello 10's....jsut need to shop more I guess, and that would be the good side.

just wish i knew for sure why you gain the weight.

Sheila,I hear you with the 20# weight gain. I was diagnosed in 1999 with ulcerative colitis and everytime it acts up on me, I have to take cortizone to stabilize it. I take the cortisone and gain 5#! So between my quitting smoking in 1995 and my colitis I have gained a total of 40+#! And now the onc says to expect to gain 'abit' more weight?! I'm top heavy - take a size 16 on top and 14 on the bottom.....! http://her2support.org/vbulletin/images/icons/icon9.gif
Oh well, I will do anything to get healthy! Tomorrow is my big day so I will be able to give you some more news about the weight gain in the future!

Wow, where can we get Al and Tom cloned, you two guys are every womans dream. Tom you have been such an awesome son to your mother, it touches my heart to see how you have fought for her and stand by her side. I have told you before that if my son turns out to be half the man you are, he will have done me proud. And Al, your post made me cry. Linda was truely blessed to have you here with her till the end. I know you miss her dearly and I am sure she knew how much you would miss her. I wish more of us could feel that way. My best friend, who was a wonderful woman, died at 40 of Colon Cancer. Her husband hit on another of her good friends a month after she died. He was dating seriously 2 months after she died and was married again before the year was up. He told everyone he did his mourning while Susan was ill. I just thought this was horrible and was a terrible example for his 2 teenage sons. I have told my hubby that if something happens to me to at least give my memory some respect, I honestly think though that he would be dating and married again soon. I was at my nephews high school graduation tonight, my son graduates next year. I found myself wishing it would get here soon so I could be sure to see him graduate. Then I looked at my little angel of a daugher who's 7 and felt like I wanted to cry, I have got to get at least another 10 years out of this damned body of mine, I have got to be there for her during those teenage years. I hate this disease and the uncertainty that it dumps in the middle of your life...sherryg683

Thank you
 

Dear Sherry,

Thank you for the kind words about Al and I. But one thing I have learned in my 50 years on planet earth is this: The more deeply you love, the more devastating the loss, whether it be through death or just a simple relationship parting. I think Al will agree that it is a heavy price to pay, but worth every minute of the time spent enjoying the indescribable feeling of giving yourself completely to someone. It is, of course, somewhat different between a child and parent, than between spouses, but still intense in it's own way. Occasionally, my Mother still responds verbally when I tell her I love her, but I have known that she loves me since before I was able to speak.

I think that Al is suffering in a particularly painful way, as he has lost his lover and best friend. I never married, and often wish that I had, but it is times like these that I wonder what it would be like to endure such a loss. I think that perhaps the fear of losing someone so close and so important, is what produces some of the "cold and distant" aspects of a family's reaction to the woman's diagnosis of cancer. I guess everybody deals with it in their own way. But if they would just remind themselves daily, that it is the woman who is sick, scared, and has the most to lose if the battle is not won, they might be able to temper their response to the illness more easily.

I know how I felt in 2001 when I had a cancer scare myself. You feel as if you have 10,000 things that absolutely must get done, but have only been given until the end of the week to finish. I was never as frightened of anything in my life. It ain't pretty.

So again, I ask the families of those who are fighting this to reassess their positions, their fears, and their priorities. Be there completely for your loved one while you have the chance. Life is short, and sometimes the journey is rough. But it beats the alternative of being alone.

Sincerely,
Tom

I don't want to dwell on this stuff because a), I don't know if it's that healthy and B), I think I've said too much already. BUT....

When Linda got sick we asked: who do you want to spend the rest of your life with? we know that answer.
From that day on we recovered the kazoom!!!, the infatuation, the bliss. We never really lost it in the first place but the intensity came back.
Being in a life threatening situation, we had to bond closer because we both knew that neither of were strong enough to handle it ourselves. If we hadn't bonded (almost felt like imprinting), we might have been blown apart. The chain is only as strong as the weakest link....just make sure it isn't you or your partner/ support system.
My heart really breaks for the ladies who have to face this struggle alone. or even worse, those who were abandoned because of their diagnosis. We all need a reason to live and if we can help by advice, referral or intervention; that's why this support group exists.
Don't get hung-up on the disease, focus on life!
Al