Your thoughts on Memorial page
 

Friends,

I have talked to Joe about including a Memorial page on this site for friends and families we have lost. I, for one, want to remember every woman, and I find myself already forgetting names.

Joe feels this would be too depressing for those of us fighting to live. I disagree, and want to get your input to share with him.

Love and light,

Lisa

Cancer IS depressing -
 

It's not the stories of valiant women and men who fought the good fight and then moved on. One reason I find this site so hopeful/helpful, besides the tremendous opportunity to get educated about this subject like no where else, is because of our community of souls who are willing to share our stories, which provides me guidance in the choices I make to take care of myself. At some point, I will be faced with the need to make more difficult choices about end of life issues. I will want and need the stories of those who have gone before me, who've demonstrated what the good fight looks like at the end. Then, there's the simple issue of honoring our departed souls from this struggle to find a cure. Honoring requires remembering. Joe, while I truly respect your opinion in all matters, I humbly submit that mine on this topic is aligned with Lisa's thinking.
dee

Memorial Page would be wonderful
 

I think it would be fitting, and I myself don't find it depressing to remember those we've lost. I've made and lost friends at my treatment center, and I've kept a record of their names and the leaflet from the services I've been able to attend; not out of morbidity but a desire to honor and remember their lives by not forgetting them. It also helps me stay determined in my fight to stay alive, and carry on in their names.

<3 Lolly

If a person does not want to view the site then its their choice. If its there then they can make their own choice. Its not an issue with me either way. Sandy

Sensible as usual, Sandy!

I was thinking that since we have the survivors stories and some of those ladies have been "lost," that at least updating their stories may be appropriate.

It seems to me that the story of the battles won AND lost is the real cancer story - and is simply reality. Should not be a depressing thing, since most of us are still here.

If there is one, I would like to see it as a separate place like the clinical trials and the reports, a place where one can choose to go whenever emotionally ready for it, rather than having that focus become a steady part of this area for comments. A.A.

Truth is Truth
 

While it is an encouragement to read the survival stories here, the truth of the matter is that "most of us" are not still here. I have seen many brave women die from breast cancer and all of us ultimatly will. That is the reality of the disease. If you post and chat and share your stories while you are alive then it seems a dishonor not to post and share about those who went before us. It is an injustice to people who come to this board not to see the whole picture. Yes we fight, but to know that are fights are remembered and made a difference to others is the greatest gift we can all give each other. I say yes yes yes to a memorial section.

Memorial Page
 

I agree that it is a good idea to honor all of the women that have gone before us with a memorial page. So many of them have been an important part of our lives whether we knew them personally or not. Their journey has led to many new advances that will benefit women for years to come, and their experiences have touched us deeply. We honor military men and women when they have fallen in battle, are we not as brave and as gallant in our battle against cancer, isn't our fight just as important for future generations. Everyone deserves and desires to be remembered, let us not be the ones who will forget.

Nicola

I wouldn't mind a memorial page, but would like to see it seperate from the main board. Some are not ready to read memorials just yet when they are in a battle for their own lives. And having it seperate would give them a choice. I for one, am not willing to belive that we all will "ultimately die" from this disease. I'm keeping a little more hope out than that. We have come a long way in treatments and no telling where we will be 5 years from now..sherryg683

Memorial Page
 

I agree with Sherry... and I was a bit saddened by "ultimately dying" from it as well. I don't mean to offend, but I guess I need to think positively.

Lisa, I think a memorial page is a lovely idea--those who log in here could choose whether to visit the memorial site or not...I don't think it's too morbid, we could think of it as celebrating the lives of those women who passed on before us and remember the contributions they made.

I was undecided early on, but the majority's sentiment persuaded me to side with them. Certainly many of us want to visit and remember past friends, just like in real life many of us do. That site could be like our photo albums, they are there for people to view at their option. I wouldn't call the albums depressing.


Ann

Lisa...I'm glad you mentioned it,
 

it is important for us to have a place to celebrate/mourn those that have left us. I also agree that it should be in a place like Articles, Clinical trials etc. Take care and God bless.

Rhonda

I am in favour of a memorial board. Joe, my question to you is if it was your wife, would she have a memorial? Personal I would want my wife immortalized in some way......in cyberspace if no where else.

respectfully,
Al

I took our Guest's comment about "ultimately dying" to mean that we all WILL die some day. My surgeon put it this way; "You have incurable cancer, but our job is to see that you live long enough that when you die, it's not from cancer!" That sounded good to me, and still does.

Just wanted to share that.

<3 Lolly

I also think a memorial page is a good idea. Yes, it can be depressing, but it is also reality. I think it's nice to remember people who have been an important part of the board. I also think it would be a good idea to have it be a separate section of the board so you could choose when to go there.


Pat

I read your site all the time but don't post because I feel like doing so would be an invasion of "your" territory. I found this site when researching Her2neu+ breast cancer for my best friend who is battling it. I've found a wealth of information and encouragement here and for this I thank all of you. She doesn't read the site because I think she feels she devotes enough time to the cancer by driving 100 miles each way for treatment - she just finished her last daily radiation treatment, finally, thank God, but will continue Herceptin for a year. She already had the AC chemo, then Taxotere.

I think all of your stories are inspiring and that you are one brave group of spectacular and extraordinary women, and your stories are incredibly uplifting as well as informative, and it was with information gathered here that my friend was able to make informed decisions about her treatment options.

Unfortunately, reality is that in any group facing a life-threatening disease some will die. Women like you - making the decisions, participating in the clinical trials, taking the treatments, becoming informed consumers of breast cancer health care, being active participants in your treatment, and maybe most importantly of all, supporting and informing and helping each other along the way - are what it is all about. You are the pioneers, paving the way for newer and better treatments and someday, a cure. All of you need to be remembered, always.

I think a memorial site would be a lovely and appropriate way to remember and honor the brave women who fought but lost the battle. Those who love them will remember in their own ways, but people reading here need to know that these women were members of this group who gave support and encouragement here in whatever way they could - they were women who lived and deserve to be remembered, not just drop out of sight. They will remind us all why we need to keep pushing for a cure.

On a lighter note... I am a nurse and have cared for many, many middle aged or even very old ladies who had breast cancer years ago when the only treatment was a radical mastectomy, even some with extensive lymph node involvement - there were no tests for prognostic indicators, Her2neu, etc. But I'd bet more than we realize had the Her2neu tumors and they are alive and kicking and dealing with problems associated with normal aging, not breast cancer. So I think your optimism is appropriate - keeping hope alive and strong is always appropriate, even for those who've been labeled "incurable."

You are AWESOME.

Sandy

I think a memorial page is a lovely idea. I have to say, I love the thought that if I were to pass away, I would be remembered on this site, and my fight could be read by others, as it would be a huge fight to the last breathe. I think we deserve to be remembered and honored for all that we have been through, and yes we are ALL inspirations to others.

I also agree that it should be on a separate page, so people can choose whether to look at it.

Love Lisa

Positive experience
 

One of the main reasons that I continue to come to this board and have basically dropped any other boards is that those who post here and are involved are a positive group who offer support, encourgement, knowledge and a joy of living and celebration of life. I hope as others join us--even as guests, they will do so in this same spirit. I think a memorial page, listed as a separate forum, could be a continuation of the celebration of life for those we have known. As a separate forum, those who visit would be able to view as they choose.

Sassy
________
Hurt from prilosec

Sandy2
 

hi sandy2! I am really sorry that you haven't posted before because you might
"invade our territory". This board is everyones territory! We certainly need all the new opinions and fresh ideas that are out there. Please feel welcomed here and know that everyone enjoys new faces. Everyones input is important. Now that you've finnally posted, please continue to do so! welcome.

Memorial Page
 

I believe that this site should have a separate Memorial page so that we can all choose to visit that site if we would like.

It takes a lot of courage to post your innermost thoughts and questions here, and what better place than this, to remember those valiant folks that have gone before us in this life. We should honor them with space on this website to celebrate their lives.

Ann

Lisa,

Very nice idea!!!

I do agree it should be a seperate forum not only for the obvious reason, but also a way for them not to get lost in the day to day posts.

Was this ever created, or did the final outcome result in a "no"? There are other sites that have a memorial page, and I think they are done tastefully. I, for one, would like to think that I could inspire someone after I am "gone". I think it is the battle and our willingness to share it that inspires others, and not necessarily how the battle ends. :)

Take care,

Memorial Section
 

Yes, Krista,

I absolutely agree - this is a topic that should be revisited as I believe it would be a very positive addition to the Board.

Currently in our cyber community (world) there is no final resting place for our winged members. We all grieve in our own way and for many it would be a comfort to have a place to go to remember. The friends who we've lost have taught us much and shown us strength, courage and character. They deserve to be honoured and remembered.

I agree that it should be a separate forum; even one containing some inspiring words of wisdom to help us process our thoughts.

A rough week here - love to all.

Jade

I think a memorial page is a wonderful idea. I couldn't think of a nicer way to remember all those who have fought so hard and touched our lives.

Hi everyone. In my opinion, I don't see anything wrong or depressing about the idea. As stated, most of us have family photo albums of lost family members that we look at from time to time and while it may make us sad, more often than not, we remember the good, happy times. I have countless pictures of Nicola, and know her story well (wink), and when I look at them, I'm inspired by how strong and brave and beautiful and wonderful she was. I think a section on the site devoted to the wonderful people that have passed on would be like that. It wouldn't be too depressing. It would be a "room" where we could go to, and reminisce about them, and remember how much courage and selflessness they showed to others on the site. We're all family here. We need a Family Album. I'd like to go there and see our lost loved ones and reminisce, "oh, yeah, I remember the time so-and-so said......." I think that would help us to regroup and re-focus more quickly and resume the battle against this terrible disease.

It is difficult to decide which way is the right way to go. I think this site should be a hopeful place. A place where advocacy, support and knowledge are rendered unselfishly. This site should represent life and not death. That said, death is part of life. This we all know too well. But I would want newly diagnosed women to come to a place that has faith. A place where they can really believe that everything will be okay because for most early stage women, it will be okay. For the most part, many come and get the advice they need and the support through chemo/herceptin and then they leave. Unfortunately they continue to be quickly replaced by other newly diagnosed women.

Many of our angels will be missed by all of us. But there are some(that have passed on) that women on the site do not know about(because they died long before one joined the group). Perhaps it is best that they are known in our hearts. Their love and courageousness to be incorporated in our souls, their beautiful spirit to be remembered and admired as such than to have a place on this site where what - what would be there? Really - old posts of chemos that did not work? Of their worries and fears. I hope not. I prefer the love in my heart for them and that they are our Angel Warriors who are guiding the newly diagnosed during their most fearful time. Helping them fall asleep at night after many fitful nights. It is the way I think (for me) it should be.

thoughts
 

this is a tough one for sure and I was all signed up for a memorial page, but after reading Becky's post, I get it. I understand those fear filled, sleepless nights that come with the initial diagnosis. I miss ALL the angel warriors, but I want the newly diagnosed to see and feel hope when they come here. I still feel my sister's terror during those first few months and finding the life and energy here is what helped to lift her (and me) up. Today, I would understand and appreciate, the memorial page. As a newbie, I would be terrified.

Lisa

Becky, that's one strength this site has- we are all family, and feel free to voice our own opinions, and hopefully, we all seriously consider other's opinions, carefully. Your comments made me realize that in my post, I used the word "I" alot, and right now, we are all grieving for Kate, Michelle, and Carol, thinking of ourselves, and that's perfectly fine. When you mentioned newcomers, that struck a chord. Those we have lost were all self-less, and Nicola was too, she transformed me into a better man. Perhaps we should think more of the new people coming to the site, instead of our own mourning. I don't see how we can do both at once. A good positive attitude is so important to the fight and beating this disease. If a permanent "room" is devoted to lost Sisters and Brothers, and failed chemos. like Becky said, it may harm others, and do more harm than good. I know I've done a 180 on the issue, and disagreeing with my Angel, Nicola, but we disagreed now and then, and discussed and debated often, but never went to bed mad, haha. Love ya!

I can remember the day I found this board as if it were yesterday. I was scared out of my mind and searching for anything positive to hang onto. I wanted just a little hope...to know there was really a chance that I might make it through all this. That was so important to me...I was on a mission. (Panic mode.) I didn't want to see anything negative or depressing...I was looking for only positive things. I started looking for women that were my stage or closer that had positive nodes and were still alive. It was so important that I find some. I remember reading signatures and would instantly latch on to the women that were doing great. I remember finding women like Audrey & MichelleU and seeing that they were doing great.

My cancer center was so doom and gloom and they gave me *nothing* to hang on to. I can't stress that enough. I was so relieved to find this board and was even more relieved to find so many of the women doing great years later. :)

I have to be honest...had I found this board and ran across all the women that had passed away...that personally for me would of been too much at that time. (Could I handle that now...yes.) But I'm with Becky on this one...I really rather this be a place of hope. I remember telling my husband, Mother and anyone that would listen to me that I found this Her2 board and there REALLY is hope for me. I can certainly understand both sides of this issue but I really would hate for any newcomers to find this board and with their luck that is the first thing they would run across and start wondering how long they have to live. That seriously concerns me.

I use to talk via email to Lu Ann, & Sandy quite a bit...they were true angels. They hold a special place in my heart and I just have a feeling they wouldn't want newcomers to run across anything on this Her2 board that would take away their hope or depress them. (I can see both sides of this topic but I'm really worried about the newcomers.)

Chelee

Hello everyone.......
That's one of the reasons this "place" is so wonderful. We are all able to express our views and share what's on our hearts and learn from each other.

I was ready to come here to say that I thought a memorial page would be a great idea. However, like a few others, after reading Becky's post I now see it a bit differently.

We "old timers" (thank God) have grown and come to see life differently (that's a thank God too) but being a newly diagnosed woman or man are at a totally different place. They are scared out of their mind. They definitely do need to read about hope and life. It's truly what keeps you putting one foot in front of the other at the beginning of this journey. I remember when my journey first started.........geez, if I read anything even remotely close to that dreaded "D" word I was done. I just couldn't fathom the "D" word at all. That's what makes the big "C" so frightening, right?

So, my mind is changed. I agree - this needs to be a place where women and men can come to gain knowledge, support and most of all love and hugs from each of us. We can help show them the way.......give them courage.......and then one day, they too, will be the encouragers.

God Bless each of you and thank you for each of you being who you are. You (we) are all special.

Mary Jo

I liked that we set a time in December to remember those we had lost and lighted our candles and prayed for those with wings. It was a meaningful night for me and allowed me to be grateful for those sweet souls we had lost, but then to move back into hopeful and striving for victory! ma

My first thought, when I read this post, was what a beautiful idea. But the more I think about it, especially after reading Mary Jo's post, was maybe not such a good idea. I think this site is all about hope, I remember when I first read here, I thought, hey, maybe I'm not doomed after all. I'm not saying that we should act as though it never happens, but all of us and mostly the newcomers need to come here and find that hope that I found. Had I come here and first read about all the Angels, I think I would have stayed away after that. We all know that thinking about that "D" word can ruin a day for us and cause us to dwell only on the bad. Since I've been here for awhile now, I can handle reading and thinking about our dear sweet sisters who have gone before us, I love remembering them and going back and reading their posts, but I really believe that the newer people would have a hard time with it. Just my thoughts.
Hugs

Dear Friends:

I have to tell you that I think a memorial is a good, kind and appropriate gesture. We need to find a way to incorporate a memorial into this site somehow.

I also see Joe's point of view. When I first came to this site, and maybe all of you can relate to this, I was pretty scared of HER2 breast cancer. The information about HER2 you get from other sources is pretty gloomy and scary. Since being here, I realized that you can survive HER2 cancer and I realized it isn't a death sentence. If this site had a memorial forum on the front page, I believe it would have a pretty strong adverse affect on newcomers.

With that in mind, I think we can have a meaningful compromise. I propose we start a 'Chapel' forum. This would be a place where we could have prayer requests, discuss matters of faith, AND we could have a memorial thread so that Kate, Michelle, Nicola, and all the others will not get lost in the flotsam of thousands of posts.

Since God is an important part of the healing process for many of us, creating a sacred place on this site seems appropriate, without needlessly scaring the newcomers.

Lee

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I quickly learned not to do any cancer searches on the web because every time I did I found doom and gloom. I later became more brave and started looking things up and that is when I found this board. I was looking for hope. A memorial page would not upset me now - but when I was new it probably would have.

I think we have to also remember that this is Joe and Christine's site, they have done a great job on it and we should trust them to know what is best for the site. If a memorial page was created - Joe would be the person stuck doing it and since he is against the project, we would be asking to much of him.

A possible alternative would be for a member here to create a memorial website. Perhaps Joe would be willing to add a link to it or have the link in a sticky post.

Was the original idea of a memorial page to move posts from our lost friends? That was not what I thought the original intention was, but now I am not so sure (after reading Becky's post about failed chemos). That would be just silly, time-consuming, and kind of offensive! I need to go back and make sure I didn't miss what the original idea was!

Young Survival has a separate area called the "remembrance board" which is very nicely done. People post about members there, and even post about others that might not have posted on the site, but for whom they want to post a note about. Take a look at it--I think this would be a nice format.

Being a newbie last year was scary no matter what--I do check the remembrance area on Young Survival often, so that I can offer comfort to those who may be posting for a friend, family member or even someone they didn't know personally. I don't post very often on that board in other areas, but do send a short note to that area.

Not sure if this makes sense--I swear the Tamoxifen is giving me brain cell loss!

Just a thought!
Take care,