Crossroads
 

I've been Stage IV since May 2011. Have had cancer since August 2009.

I work in a high school as the Principal's Secretary, a job I love.

School secretary is not a normal administrative/secretarial job. It's more physical. You run the school - deal with lots of kids, are up and down and talking to teachers and kids all day. When anything happens on campus, its because of me. I am in contact with lots of people every single days. When a teacher is sick and they need a sub, they come talk to me. Subs talk to me every day. Kids who need the principal talk to me. People who need to be on campus sign in with me. I work with the custodian to make things happen on campus, and of course, I work with the principal.

I am bragging, but I am very good at my job and sought after. I've been asked to go to other schools and asked to go to the District Office.

Needless to say, I am out in the public eye. I worked except for my mastectomy in 09, and I've been off since October 3rd '11, my liver resection. I'd be back now except for C-Diff.

I have to go back February 1st, or my job protection runs out.

I am recovering from C-Diff and it's been two weeks. It's less likely <knock wood> that it will recur. But, I am weak and very tired. It seems impossible that I will be back Feb 1, but it's a month, you never know.

A long time ago my oncologist told me the danger comes from internal infections (like c-diff) rather than external I'd get at school, like colds and flu. However, he's several times asked me, "are you still working" and seems like he thinks that's a bad idea. Last time I mentioned whether I shoudl continue, he didn't comment. I will ask him outright at my next appt Jan 18th but he's only one part of the equation.

I would get only $800 on disability. I owe some student loan so they might take that out of the disability which would make it less.

My place of employment has some sort of thing where if you are diagnosed with a terminal illness with less than a year to live, they'll pay your entire salary for one year. I don't know the details and I don't know if what I've gotten already (6 months of full pay) would take away from that. I've been there 6 years so there is some small retirement pay but whether I could get that with disability or not, I don't know.

I have a very bright 14 year old sophomore - he's an A+ student in IB. He does lots of other stuff like being on the National Science Bowl team, and he wants to go to MIT. My husband is 11 years older than me, and is 64. Our former plan was for him to retire at 70, me to continue to work. We don't have much in the way of savings so my husband was going to use all of his social security pay for college expenses (about $2,000 a month), keep working until the kid was done with college, and I was going to use all of my salary for college too. (My husband's salary pays the bills). Then he could retire and I could work or retire as finances allowed.

Now, I likely won't make it that long.

My only life insurance is through my work. If I no longer work, I can pay on my own, but for only two years. If I die after two years, my family gets nothing.

I have so much to think about: finances, of course. I like my job but hate getting up in the morning, but when I don't have something to do, I don't do anything. My health - is working in a school dangerous for me at this point?

If I leave, I can never go back. I'm at my dream school. If I had my way, I'd just take the rest of the year off and start fresh, but they won't let me do that I'm sure.

Please help me sort this out, and if you are Stage IV, please share what you have done. I can't post this on my blog because I don't want my coworkers to know my thoughts and they read it.

Thanks.

Re: Crossroads
 

Hi,
I have been reading your posts, and you are very much on my mind. I am also stage 4 and have always continued to work in a school. I taught 3th grade for many years, but moved to 5th three years ago. We are departmentalized so I currently teach 75 students. In addition, I share my room with aftercare after school. I worked full time through AC +T in 98, and only took off a month when progressed to state 4 in 2004 and had to have brain surgery. I had two brain surgeries after that and returned after one week after the last one. I would not recommend that, but at the time I did not want to be away from my class.

As you can understand I have certainly been exposed to illness through teaching, but I sill have a better immunity than the new teachers who have have not been exposed to the number of students that I have. My oncologist does not think I should retire, and I will turn 64 in April. However, I will probably retire in the next 2 to 3 years because as you know your working life does not end after school when you are a teacher.

I am currently on Herceptin and Tykerb. Before that I was on the Phase 1 T-DM1 trial from 07 to 09. You can read my prior posts.

Having said that, retirement is a very personal decision, and only you can know what your body can handle. You might consider asking if they will allow you to wait until fall to come back, and give them the reasons you have posted here.

There are new treatments that will be available for HER2, and I feel you should still keep hope alive that you will be around for a long time. I can understand that you are exhausted from what you have just experienced. My heart goes out to you, and I am sure that with careful thought you will make the right decision for you and your family.

Best,
Barbara H.

Re: Crossroads
 

I don't have any rock solid advice, but let me throw a few things into the ring for you to think about.
You have a difficult decision to make. Can your employer give you a less physically demanding job or shorter hours at least temporarily?
Do you feel comfortable talking to your principal about this? Every boss is different. Can you talk to human resources about this without creating issues? I used to work at a school as a teacher and my mom was a school secretary, so I kind of understand your situation a little.
Your 14 year old seems like a pretty bright kid. Would your 14 old be able to apply for scholarships and/or a good financial aid package? Maybe it is time to check with your 14 year old's school to see what might be available a few years from now.
Is your husband healthy enough to work a couple more years part time? Would you be able to get a part time job in a less stressful job when you are able to go back to work?
All the best to you whatever you decide. The main thing is to take good care of yourself, so you can recover enough to do the things you love and need to do. That is the prize. Keep your eyes on the prize.

Re: Crossroads
 

I'm not Stage IV, but I love my job at my high school too, and like you, am very good at what I do. The students have been on this journey with me since the beginning of the school year when I had my mastectomy and missed several days. They've seen my hair fall out and have watched me weaken from the chemo. I have been back at work because they bring a bit of normalcy back into this disruption. I stay in my classroom and teach all day, and it is the students who inspire me and give me something to do even when I'm worn out by 3:15 every day. Everyone has been so understanding and good to me. I know they would to you too because you're very good at your job. You might feel strong enough by the end of the month to try to go back. You love your job, it's a great school, you are valued there. It might help in your recovery if you feel strong enough to be there.

Putting kids through college will keep us in debt for many many years. Our youngest of five will graduate next year. The tuition costs and parent loans are prohibitive at our salaries, so I understand that concern. Somehow, you will get college paid for and you will have enough money to live.

What's important right now is you and how strong and how well you feel about doing something you love.

Re: Crossroads
 

Hi Cool Breeze,

3 years ago I spent a month in the hospital having 4 surgeries due to my cancer. Part of this time I was in ICU. By the time I was put on regular recovery floor I could barely function. I was on oxygen and could only get around using a walker. My body was so beaten up! Also woke up from one surgery to see my arm swollen with lymphadema.

All that to say that was a long time ago and I went on to function normally---albiet while continuing to fight daily with this disease. A month is a long time. Your body can do a lot of healing in that time. If you don't have any more setbacks I hope that you would be able to handle your job that you so enjoy. You sound like a very valued member of your school. Having ajob where you are appreciated can do a lot to lift one's spirits.

You have been through a really difficult time. It feels like you won't get back to being like you were before, but I think there is a good chance that you will. Hopefully you will see gradual improvement. You are a fighter. Hang in there!

Re: Crossroads
 

Ann, I pray that you get through this "valley" soon. You don't sound like yourself. As your signature states, you're going for cure, remember? I don't have any sage advice, but all will be well and you'll have the gloves on again soon. Everything you've been through has knocked you down - you'll get up again. And when you do, you'll make the right decision for you and your family.

Re: Crossroads
 

You have alot on your plate and have laid it out well. Does your cancer treatment facility have a social worker who you could consult with? They often know the ins and outs of benefits and what resources might be available to you. They see alot of these situations and might be able to offer some clarity or give you options you had not thought of.
And it may sound silly but I believe in "signs"when in a tight spot. Just kind of stay open to something someone says or some indication that points to a certain path. I try to kind of pause in the turmoil and wait for an answer. They can come from unexpected places. Sorry not to have more concrete advice. But keep the faith.

Re: Crossroads
 

From what you are saying, it sounds like you financially would be better off to keep working at some level. I believe that you will heal w/the c-diff situation and be strong again.

In the meantime however, your work has to make a reasonable accomodation to accomodate your disability. So, I believe you could start there and decide what is realistic for you to try and return to - maybe not begin at 40 hours a week.

What do you feel is realistic for you? I hope this helps - it just seems the more you can do some work, the more you can beef up your disability payments when needed.

HTH,
Kim

Re: Crossroads
 

Hi Cool Breeze. It is difficult to answer because I am not in your shoes but I am close to you. (age,stage IV liver mets, 2 boys, head of household). What I understand is that you love your job and that you are worried about loosing a salary. But you feel so tired.
There is another parameter: how will your keep your spirits up? By working and keeping your social contacts or by staying home and organizing your life around your family? It is key. Today you feel very tired but maybe in 3 weeks or 2 months you will feel good. Your immune system will not resist if you are tired but will not resist if you are depressed.
If you want to work maybe you could negotiate 2 extra weeks even if you are not paid and/or for the first month part time. (3/4 or 1/2 time?) Do you think this is acceptable? Then you will feel for yourself if you can do it. No need to decide now. Wait for the end of the month. Then if you feel it is still going to be difficult, talk to the school asking for a little less work for a short time.
If you are tired you can always stop but you will have no regrets.
Some of us Stage IV consider that it is time to change lifestyle and others consider that they are going on with their lives because they have a chronic disease and not a death sentence. And some don't have a choice of course but to continue working.
As stated before, you still have a few weeks to recover a little and decide.
Stay strong. Michka

Re: Crossroads
 

Hi CoolBreeze,
I am also not stage IV but I think all of the folks who have answered have made very good points. I agree with chemteach (I am a teacher too but at the university level) that it is really valuable and spirt lifting to be doing something one loves and is good at (and appreciated for). I would find out what type of accommodations can be made regarding your work schedule (it is often the case that something flexible can be worked out) and also see how you feel. There is something very good about structure- having someplace to be and something to do- that helps keep the distracting or negative thoughts at bay. So, I would lean towards trying to stay involved with your school if you are able to. All of this depends on a lot of things, including how strong you are and how flexible the school is, but I know how important structure and being appreciated/needed can be! Good luck with your decision.

Re: Crossroads
 

Hello,
I think Elaine M and Bonnie R and others had good suggestions. It sounds like you will not be healthy enough to go back full time in February so that will require speaking to your principal who hopefully is an understanding person. Or ask for a sabatical or unpaid temp extra time off while keeping the healthcare? or as other suggested, moving into a less physically demanding job.
It's still 3 weeks away so you have a little time to see if you can strengthen your health.
Your boy sounds serious and talented and finding out about how to prepare him to get a scholarship sounds good advice.
sometimes in times of crisis, choices are made for you and the right choice becomes obvious.
Talk to those you can talk to at your school and prepare as if you will return but realize that that is a choice you'll make further down the road.
Now is the time to heal and strength your body and mind.
health and happiness
love sarah

Re: Crossroads
 

All great comments. You will be guided to make the right choices for yourself. I don't work at a school, but as you know I am Stage IV. Well, I work in management at a skateboard company, so actually it sounds a lot like what you do at the school.

I also love my job. When I began chemo one Friday in 2004 I left Thursday, telling everyone "see you Monday". My oncologist insisted I take at least the first month off! I negotiated with him to let me finish up some stuff I had deadlines on, then set about "not working". By Monday each week I would be in a complete meltdown and within 3 weeks I was back at work full time. For me, it was much better to be at work, and I was (am) very fortunate to work with and for amazingly supportive people. Although I did have the option to work from home occasionally (and I took advantage of this during flu-petri dish season!), for me it was a life saver to be at work.

I agree with several who have suggested that there may be a little more flexibility at work than you think. There are laws, rules and policies - but in the end you are working for people. And people have a way of surprising you - I found true love in the workplace from people I never expected.

I also agree that a month - or now 3 weeks - is a time when a lot of healing can take place now that you are on the mend. You may feel much stronger.

One final point that I think is important to consider. You had a terrible, life threatening complication from your surgery. But before (and just after) that surgery you spoke of it as being done "with curative intent". Hold on to that! You are currently NED and who's to say you will not be around another 20 or 30 years? It's got to be tough to focus on that having been through such an ordeal as you have, but you have proven to be pretty darn tough.

Hang in there Ann

Re: Crossroads
 

Being NED plays a big role in my question. I feel like I may get to be NED for years and will return to health. But, I'm definitely not there yet and am not sure I will be in a month. I don't want to give up a great job, yet don't know that I'm ready to return.

My work has to make reasonable accommodation - but it doesn't have to be at the same school site. They can put me at the district office, and I'd hate that. My substitute has been great and says she'll still help me out when I come back but I think she's ready to not do this job anymore. I don't want to work just to work - I want THAT job.

If I didn't have to be there so early it would be easier but I don't hear the alarm I set for 9:00 and I don't hear my husband's phone calls when I ask him to call me and see if I'm awake at 9:30. How I'm supposed to get up at 5:00 is beyond me right now.

Sitting home isn't good for me. I waste my day. I do a lot better in a job.

I do feel comfortable talking to the principal but there really isn't much he can do. It's all HR and bargaining contracts.

My son has been told all his life he needs scholarships, especially if he wants to go to MIT or Cal Tech but of course, we still want to contribute. My husband works for the state so he will have retirement we can live on, if I get that far. We'll have to learn to live frugally but we will be safe from starvation, and fortunately, we'll have healthcare for life. I'm the spendthrift which is what I did with my money. I'll just have to stop and we can manage. My husband takes about $1000.00 of my salary to cover some bills and things and so my disability would be close to that.

I don't know, you all had some great points. It is the after-effects of c-diff getting me down, I'm sure of it. That disease messes with your mind, it really does.

Re: Crossroads
 

I do not have any good advice for you about the situation you're in (although I would suggest discussing it with a lawyer who specializes in this area of the law) but I did want to remind you that because these forums appear in search engine results, it would probably be best to edit your posts to remove your sig. Although it's not likely, it is possible that if someone were to search for your blog, these posts would be visible in their search results, thereby defeating your wish to discuss this privately.

Re: Crossroads
 

Sounds like there are some questions about what kind of flexibility you have. But I wonder if it's not best to plan to go back, do the best you can..and if nothing else, being back for a bit might reset the clock should any need to be out come up.

This is a really lame attempt to relate but..
I recently came down with adult chicken pox. Really knocked me down. I work freelance and of course at my lowest point got an e-mail from a client as to my availability for a week from then. I believe the phrase was "Are you up for it?" Oh right..covered in pox and in and out of bed all day and night. Sure..bring it.
Anyways..even the day before, it seemed way too ambitious. But the next day went fine..seemed like being forced back into things helped me. I overdid it that day of course..should have made it an early night but didn't. So next day was bad but it was basically a turning point. Again, not the same thing but all I can offer.

Re: Crossroads
 

Rich, it's not the same thing, but coming from the same place. Basically, what a difference a day makes sometimes!
And what Chrisy said is important too. You have recently had a most traumatic event that has knocked the wind out of your sails. So keep the faith. Tomorrow will be brighter. And a solution may present itself. Pray about it. And turn it over.

Re: Crossroads
 

Well, I am in the same basic shoes as you. I simply cannot make up my mind, and like you, I think I am going to have to wait a month or so to see what kind of shape I am in. Like most things for me lately, the disease will have control of my decision.

My son attended a pretty good college that ended up being covered about 70 percent by scholarships and grants. There are a ton of things available, and Im sure the counselor at the high school can hook you up with a list when the time comes. I feel like after college we ended up with about 30,000 in loans (Im a single mom, so couldn't pay it all up front) out of about 100,000 for the four years.
I know we don't know each other well, but I sure think that the decision should be about what is good for you. What is best for your health, physically and emotionally. Hopefully at the end of this month you have kicked this C diff completely to curb and been able to gain a bit of weight and feel more like yourself. You certainly have been through something traumatic. ((hugs))

Re: Crossroads
 

Hello Cool,
Yes, lots of sensible and good advice. I was wondering if going on an anti-depressant for a while might help? Getting through the cancer treatment and then knocked out by this strange infection is terribly unfair and may have been just too much for you mentally. You're obviously a strong person but even strong people can finally feel as if everything is just too much. You've hit a point where you are overwhelmed. Maybe some drugs could help.
and remember you're NED!!! and have a loving family.
take care, things have a way of working out.
health and happiness
hugs and love
sarah

Re: Crossroads
 

Coolbreeze
Just want to add that I feel being hit by any severe infection 'messes' with your mind as well as your body. Not sure of the biology but suspect the bugs give off some sort of chemicals related to mood hence ppl with flu often feel depressed! As a recovering major (not in the league of c diff) infection person I am much more tearful and down than normal and at present finding it difficult to make any major decisions. It will pass.
Ellie

Re: Crossroads
 

Hi Coolbreeze,

It sounds to me on reading your post that you love your job and would be lost without it, possibly even severly depressed!!!
I 'd advise not taking any serious decisions just yet until you're well over your recent illness which may still have you under par and feeling drained.
You don't sound to me like a person who wants to quit her job!

Re: Crossroads
 

I was going to tally the responses for keeping working vs quit. But I was too lazy. You get the drift.

I vote for don't quit. I am amazed at what you have been through in a very short amount of time. It is no surprise that you would be at the end of your rope and looking for a bit of respite.

I am certain that you are on the road to recovery and with each passing day that you are able to eat and regain your energy that the thought of work won't be so daunting.

But...when you do return to work, you must be a little selfish. You must put yourself first. Although it will be tempting to remain everyone's go-to gal, I would advise scaling back a bit. That approach has enabled me to work through 4.5 years of Stage IV treatments. At times I do feel a guilty that I am not my old self giving what felt like 110%. But....giving 85% - 90% has made a huge difference to my family. I have great insurance, still bring home a paycheck and am contributing to my daughter's college.

Of course, everyone's situation is different and I have been blessed with minimal side effects that I can manage. (world class napper on the weekends) So, I certainly don't mean that this will work for everyone. Just offering up encouragement that it has worked for at least 1 Stage IV liver mets gal.

Sending some napping energy your way....Lori

Re: Crossroads
 

I'm not depressed - not at all. I've been enjoying my days scrapbooking. I can't put into words what c-diff did to me, but it wasn't depress me. Okay, that's not entirely true, I was a bit depressed immediately out of the hospital, but thinking deeper, I don't think depress is the right word. It was more fear than depression, I think. I was afraid of losing my colon, afraid of dying right then, afraid of this disease coming back and dying lying in my own sh*t.

I guess it made me face my mortality in a way I hadn't before, even when told I was metastatic. I knew I was going to die of course, but I always had lots of hope. I still do, but now I have a glimpse of decline. I don't know if that makes sense or not. It isn't depression, it is just deep down, bone knowledge that life is very fragile - MY life is very fragine. In an instant, you can be near death, as I was - in a very unpleasant way. And, nobody can help you. (Of course, people did help me but it didn't feel like it for a while).

I love my job, it's true. I hate getting up in the morning and it wrecks my day and every day after work, even when healthy, I have to sleep. I've never been a morning person. If I could work different hours, it'd be perfect.

I ALSO love being home but I'm quite undisciplined. I should be writing a book, or at least an ebook to sell on the blog, or organizing the house or cleaning. All those things need to be done. I'm doing a bit of scrapbooking but mostly reading. :) I am a good reader, I can sit all day. I read a book every single day.

My health is not good enough to go back no matter what, but maybe it will be by February 1st. Or, maybe I'll just be a sick person and won't heal all the way, ever.

What is best for me?
What is best for my son?
What is best for my family?

Is it money? Possibly since I'm not healthy enough to go on field trips or do the "mom" stuff I used to do and can't clean the house well as have zero strength. If I can go to work, that might be better than being at at-home mom.

If I don't go, I'll miss the people I work with. I have no friends that live in my town so my workmates are my socialization. Everybody else has moved and while I keep up, it's online and not the same. But, I'll get enough sleep.

And, of course, the money and the college and all the other stuff I mentioned. If I quit - will we ever get a vacation? We've only had three in 14 years......

I suppose this is all premature. I'll revisit it at the end of January because if my health is no better, it's a moot point. I am clearly not near death's door and I am able to do simple things, but even doing a big grocery shop is beyond me, I'm not strong enough. I have the "responsibility gene" and I feel like I need to give my work an indication of what is going to happen. If they need to hire somebody, I shouldn't wait until the last second.

So, we shall see. It's hard.

I do thank you all for your great and varied advice. It's wonderful to be able to see things from all sides and hear ideas you never thought about.

Re: Crossroads
 

Sending lots of prayers and positive energy your way in the very high hopes that you will gain strength and weight over the upcoming weeks. Once you are feeling better, I think you will already know the right decision within yourself. Until then, just continue to relax and mend and take it one day at a time...big hugs to you.

Re: Crossroads
 

Hey CoolBreeze, just wondering how you're doing. I hope you're feeling lots better, have gathered information, and are able to make a great decision soon. Greetings and thoughts to you!

Re: Crossroads
 

Cool Breeze,
Hoping you are regaining your strength and confidence.

How is the scrap booking going? That is on my "to do" list. I am great at buying the cute little stickers and papers but really bad at actually putting together the book. Hopefully you have a big stack of beautiful memories.

Thinking of you....Lori

Re: Crossroads
 

I'm still dangling. I don't know how to make this decision. We need the money but I don't feel physically capable of working. But, what if I feel I can in two months? It'll be too late.

I can try and see and push through - but the I hate to be the unreliable person who can't do her job. It's not the kind of job where you call in sick because the entire morning falls on you/me. All the teachers who call in sick - they are calling in to me and I have to find subs for them. So, I have to either be there or have a sub. Since we have 50 teachers, there isn't a day that goes buy that I don't have at least five or six of them out.

I see my doctor on Wednesday and I'll see if he has any input. I don't expect he will though. He tends to leave these decisions to me and just signs off on what I want. Which, I guess is appropriate. The more pressing question will be: am I healthy enough to restart chemo?

A friend gave me a ton of scrapbooking stuff. I'm a slow scrapper though. I'm working on a book of a trip to Hawaii we took in '08. Have about four 2 page spreads done. :)

Thanks for thinking of me. It hurts to move these days so I'm not doing much.

Re: Crossroads
 

Scrapbooking is a good productive way to pass the time while you are recuperating.
You don't seem to be confident that you can do your job fully due to your health problems. Let me as you some blunt questions.
1. What would your family value more? Having you alive and well or the money you might be able to earn in 2012?
2. If decide not to return to work would your school continue to exist and serve the needs of the students and teachers?
3. Could you find another position if you stop working now and feel well enough to go back to work later?
4. Can you with your doctor's or employer's help apply for some kind of temporary or permanent disability payments?
I was a teacher who thought if she quit for health reasons the school and the students would suffer.
That didn't happen. The school, office staff, principals, teachers and students continued to thrive. Everyone else moved on and so did I. I developed new interests after I started to feel better and I am now enjoying my "retirement". One could say I changed careers. It was very hard financially at first, but things are getting a little better in that area. I am currently thinking about taking some college classes or adult education classes online. If I decide to go back to work I want to do something in the medical field. That will be my third professional career.
Take good care of yourself and have a serious talk with your doc this week. Ask for suggestions and guidance. Then go home and discuss the situation with your family. You may not have to decide until shortly before you are due to return to work.
Good luck.

Re: Crossroads
 

Im still in the same boat as you, and still haven't made a decision. I really like my job, but need to be feeling good and be reliable to do it. I don't know what kind of shape I will be in a few months down the line, I don't know if these drugs will work and I will have some time of remission, or it will be right on to some other therapy. I definitely need the money, but right now I am more leaning toward leaving this job, and then a couple months down the line if I am feeling like I can picking up something else just part time a few days a week. Im just scared to commit myself to something Im not certain I can do or for how long. ((hugs)) Its really confusing. My family says whatever decision I make will be the right one and we will work it out, but in my head I see the negatives of both options. Just wanted you know I know what a difficult decision it is. I'll be sending you lots of prayers and positive energy.

Re: Crossroads
 

Thought I'd share my story...

I had been 'fired' from numerous jobs since my first brain tumor surgery. The law states that a person's position is protected for up to a year after the onset of a illness. I was always dismissed a little over a year after rturning to my job following a major surgery.

The neurologist explained to us after my first job loss that my 'movement and reaction time' was slower than I perceived myself - typical for patients who are recovering from a head injury. In other words, I did not know that I was slow and forgetful. How can one remember what he/she had forgotten? The neurologist stated after examing me: "She could have stayed on her job if she had a more compassionate boss..."

I was warned (by my boss) that I shouldn't 'burn the bridges'. But my Father-in-law had threatened to 'disown' me if I resign (due to the concern of the unemployment benefit - he had been told by his local unemployment agency: "Tell your daughter-in-law not to resign." So I bit my tongue and received the 'registered' letter a couple of days later. It was more depressing than my brain tumor diagnosis!

But three months later, by divine intervention, I was offered a job at the local Chinese New Year Dinner Party (which I had grudgingly organized after being pressed by the former President of the Club) And even though I'd had more cancers/surgeries and more job losses, I worked (including doing job search while on unemployment) 18 years continuously after that crushing experience of job loss.

Our employers are supposed to 'accomodate' our disability - especially when the situation is so 'temporary'. The head of Personnel of the City (I had been the reference librarian of the City Library for almost 5 years) even came to the restaurant with her staff. Most people agreed that my dismissal was not justified, that my ex-boss did not treat me fairly. Less than two years later, that library director who had 'fired' me was forced to resign due to some inappropriate relationship/poor judgement.

"Living well is the best revenge." I'm not a vengeful person, but I do feel that many employers don't regard us as 'human beings' when we continue to be loyal to them. My ex-boss was not a bad person. She felt she was doing her job - and I was doing my job to protect myself and my family.

ps. By the way, I was the sole breadwinner back then because my husband was going back to school to get his degree. We continued the insurance coverage through COBRA for 18 months before switching to the plan offered by my husband's new employer.

Re: Crossroads
 

It's not a valid question as it's not a black and white situation. My family needs the money. If they had to choose between money and having me alive, than they would choose me alive. But, so far, they can have both, but at physical cost to myself. But, as far as I know, not DANGEROUS physical cost. I'll just be in pain more and be more tired.

Of course! I don't think I'm indispensable by any means - after all, I've been off since October and everybody is doing fine. Whether the school "continues to exist" is not a consideration - it's a 50 year old school, they've had secretaries before me and will have some after me. The consideration is whether I can do my job now. I have to go back in two weeks, no matter what. Can I? Will I become unreliable? Will I give up my sub (who has another job she wants to do) and then not be able to function and have to give it up?

I can choose a leave year of absence, which means I can come back to the district in a year. (I think that's what it means). But, not to my job. My job is five minutes away from home at the school my son attends. I wouldn't get any say where they put me when I went back and I could be placed at a school across the district, with an hour commute. I could be put where folks hate each other, rather than where they like each other like my school now. I kind of have my dream job and I'd so hate to give that up.

I can get on SSI Disability but it takes six months. I can only backdate it 49 days, so I would have to wait quite a while for money. As far as I know, there isn't anything else. I've used up whatever I was entitled to via the district.

I was off for a time October '09 too, when I had the mastectomy and started chemo. I came back during chemo when it turned out to be a non-event. Now I've been off since October 11. I've used everything up and I have to go back or give up my job.

Very tough decision.

Re: Crossroads
 

I am reading between the lines and I feel you want to go back. You ask, "what if I prove to be unreliable?". Well what if you don't? This job sounds like part of your soul. I sense if you dont at least try going back, you may always have that "what if" feeling. And I hate that in myself. If you go back, what is the worst that can happen? You have to leave.
Previously, I suggested looking for signs. I believe if we quiet our minds, the right answer will present itself. Sometimes from an unexpected source.
I do feel your pain. There is nothing worse than being on the fence. I recall having terrible times with decision during treatment. I even talked to the therapist about it. Just day to day decisions were frustrating.
Keep the faith

Re: Crossroads
 

You love your job. I have to agree with Bonnie. Give it a try. Take it easy, people will help you because they love you there. They gave you a standing ovation before, didn't they? The support of my coworkers and colleagues at my high school has been incredible and refreshing for my heart and soul. I'm tired at the end of the day. Follow your heart.

Re: Crossroads
 

I believe you will make the right decision for you when it is the right time to make that decision. Does that make sense?
Do not worry about organizing your house. You are supposed to be resting and taking care of yourself right now. You can do the organizing and other things you are worried about when you feel better.
Take good care of yourself. Pamper yourself and enjoy the scrapbooking.

Re: Crossroads
 

I, too, think that you want to go back, although you are not yet well enough to do so. If I were you, I would have a call with your principal, explain the situation, indicate that you very much would like to come back, but that it is possible/likely that you will not be able to return by February 1. I bet he (she?) will offer to work something out so you can take more time to recover. He needs you, and knows that he will be better off having you as an assistant starting in March than with a permanent replacement starting February 1. I think giving yourself more time to get better will make this an easier decision. If you quit now, when you feel better in a month or two you will be kicking yourself.

Re: Crossroads
 

I also think you wish to go back and all for very valid, wide ranging and important reasons.
If there is any chance at all that you could take more time off to recover it certainly feels worth exploring.
You are in recovery from major surgery and major infection, both of which have taken a massive toll on your immune system and general health. I know you mentioned a further chemo to 'mop up' any stray cells as you are going for the cure.
My question is can your body withstand all the above plus the pain, stress (from a busy job) and fatigue of a return to work at this stage in your recovery? Would return at this stage maximise or minimise your chance of obtaining the outcome you want?
Ellie

Re: Crossroads
 

I think Jelly bean has an excellent point. If your principal values you he or she might be willing to work with you about your return date. I also think Ellie has a good point. Your employer wants a healthy employee he or she knows is dedicated to the job.
February 1st is next week. Maybe your body knows your are not 100% healthy since you have been concerned about all this.
You will know when it is time to make this important decision.

Re: Crossroads
 

I am not sure the principal has much to say about it. Principals have a lot less authority than people think. HR has their rules and they usually need to be followed. I don't have to go back to February 17th, and I'm thinking what I'll try is to start back February 5th half days and then work up to it. If my doctor writes it up that way, they have to do it.

I'm not physically ready but will I ever be? I'll be on chemo for the rest of my life, the next one is Xyloda, as soon as I'm completely recovered from c-diff. (Still have stomach pain). So, if I want to work, there are some pains and problems I'm going to have to put up with.

I have been struggling so hard with this decision. If I didn't have to be there so early in the morning it would be so much easier, but 7:00 a.m. is too early for my stiff and painful body, especially when it's cold.

But, I had an oncologist appointment Wednesday in which I discussed this with my doctor (he said what I knew he'd say, "there is no medical reason for you not to go back but I'll write you out if you don't feel well enough." ) and as I walked through the waiting room to leave, I saw a kid out of the corner of my eye. I glanced at her and thought, "That's a student from my school." and then though, that's not possible in an oncology office. I glanced at her sweatshirt and it wasn't a school shirt and I kept walking when she said hi. I looked up fully at her, and it was my coworkers TA, and I see her and chat with her daily. And with her was a boy who used to like to come in and play with a paperweight I had on my desk. It said, 'Keep calm and carry on" and he would start to walk by my office and say, "Keep calm!" and I" say, "carry on!" Silly stuff.

But, there these kids were, sitting in my oncologists office, while I was trying to decide what to do.

I don't believe in signs but I guess I do because it seemed like the universe was telling me to go back to work - there the kids were, kids I knew.

So, I have made the decision to try to go back and I need to talk to my sub about a return date and easing in to it. I emailed her today.

I have been setting my alarm to get up earlier and earlier but it's not successful. I set it for 8:30 today and didn't hear it even until 9:00 then pushed the snooze button until 9:30. Then it took me 3 minutes to haul myself up to the side of the bed and put weight on my knees. (I am suffering from estrogen withdrawel too). My stomach takes a while to settle in the morning but THAT, at least, is getting better weekly.

So, I guess I made a decision, in that I will try. If I can't do it then I will have given it an honest go. The one problem with that is if I apply for SSI disability, I could have gone back 49 days since I've been office. If I go back to work the clock starts over and you have to wait six months for your money. It will be very hard to go six months with nothing but we were only going to cut it by a month so I guess it shouldn't matter too much.

Re: Crossroads
 

Good luck Coolbreeze. I wish you all the best with your decision and hope all goes well.
I so understand your comment about being on chemo for the rest of your life but things are changing in the bc world and who knows what the next 5 years may bring including hopefully a cure or at least targeted treatment so we can manage this horrible disease like a chronic illness.
Ellie

Re: Crossroads
 

I had tears in my eyes when I read your post. I am not religious, but I believe those students were a sign telling you to try. Getting up in the morning is also the most difficult for me. I am also at school by 7:00. I do hope that returning to your job will work out for you, and that you will slowly gain your health. There are also new treatments on the horizon, and again, hopefully life will become easier for you.

If it work does turn out to be too difficult, both you and your family will know that you tried, and that it is time to create a new life for yourself. Knowing your determination, you will eventually carve out the right road for both you and your family.
Thinking of you,
Barbara H.

Re: Crossroads
 

barbara beat me to it. ditto, she said it better than I would have.

take it slow... keep calm and you know the rest

blessings,
chris