Do people write you off?
 

I have struggled with so many people "writing me off". I wondered if there were others here who feel this way? My ex-husband has not told me why he wanted the divorce two years ago. I believe it has everything to do with him treating me like I was already dead. Have others gone through this?

I sometimes feel this way. Sometimes I feel as though people are afraid they may catch something from me. I also think that sometimes people just don't knw what to say to me and it makes them uncomfortable. I tell ya in my house we laugh, we cry, we make lots of sick cancer jokes that people would be appalled at, but it keeps us going. I think if our friends and relatives could be this way it would be easier for them to be with us. It's a damn shame that we not only have to go through the physical aspects of this disease, but also the psychological and the emotional turmoil it reeks on our relationships.

Yeah I do with some people. I work in a school with over 60 people. Only 1 has bothered to call, email or anything since I went out on disability back in October. These are people I have been with for the last 7 years! It's like if they don't see it, don't talk about it, it won't happen to them.

Oh well, they have missed out on an incredible journey. Their loss not mine. Not yours either. Reach out to those you feel closest too, they will be there

Do people write you off?
 

Yes. I think Woman of Steel is on the right track. Cancer is a misunderstood disease. Many people don't understand it, fear it and think people with cancer either die quickly or are completely healed right away like some of the stars who have come out about their disease. Alot of people just don't understand that there are thousands of cancer patients with chronic cancer who live for many years after being diagnosed. Some people may also think it is contagious---yes even in this day and age !!!!!!!!

I had a great uncle who decided his lung cancer would keep people away from him. So..he told people his cough was from Tuberculosis. ;)

Absolutely. I worked as a free-lancer for a company where a lot of female account managers were handing out jobs to us. After my diagnosis they began to withdraw and after two years the work just dried up. They blamed me, because I had become "difficult". I asked other colleagues about this and none of them had noticed that. They thought that those women who were about my age, were afraid they would develop BC too, and every time they saw me, they were reminded of that possibility. They just didn't know how to deal with their own emotions.

I also lost a couple of "friends". They were shocked when they heard about my diagnosis and just never called again. Fortunately, some acquaintances turned out to be real friends in need. I couldn't have done as well without them and they were very important for my kids' sanity.

All in all, I think it's a good thing I found out what those people were really worth.

Jacqueline

Nikki had a cousin, a supposedly devout Christian, who nurtured Nikki in the faith and then when Nikki needed her the most, when her cancer became nearly unstoppable, the cousin sent a New Year's e-mail saying that she was pretty much writing us off, and that she felt that none of us were truly Christians. It hurt us deeply and was inexplicable. Nikki and "the Cousin" exchanged numerous phone calls, books, discussed religion all the time, and then "BOOM". Nikki seemed to take it in stride, but it still hurt, deeply. I'm not trying to talk religion here, but Nikki and I have faith, and always will. "The Cousin" felt that she was righteous enough to judge, as if Nikki's lack of true faith caused her to get cancer in the first place, I guess, who knows. But, yeah, people will write you off and when it comes from outta nowhere, it hurts the most. She deserted Nikki when she needed her the most, and like all have said here, when something like this happens, you come to realise who your true friends are.

I think Lein's second paragraph said it for me. The people who DO step up to the plate make up for the disappointments. I have heard it said that "once you get cancer, you know who your friends are". It really shows people's character. Or lack thereof. Even if they don't know what to say they can be kind in other ways. Send a card that says "I don't know what to say"
Bill, I cannot fathom the insensitivity you described. What a blow.

Wow, that's a great question. I guess I've seen it some - and yes, you definitely find out who your real friends are. My experience has been, with the people who I might feel "write me off" is that really, THEY just can't deal with the whole thing. And so they keep you at arms length, or even turn away completely, to protect themselves from their own fears. I've also experienced the opposite - people who can't, or won't acknowledge that I am still and will always be fighting this disease. I look normal and act (for me) normal, therefore I must be fine, right??? Maybe it's the same thing - they don't want to talk about it because they can't handle it. Or, because they WANT me to be fine. But that said, my circle got smaller and the ones who matter have already shown me their colors when I was first dx with mets. So, I know there are many who will stand up with me despite all our fears. Bill, just want to add my jeers to Nikki's cousin - she must have some really deep fears and lack of faith to have done that.

Julierene, Your not alone on this one. I've experience the same thing...totally deserted the minute they found out I had BC. So many ppl told me that "Cancer cleans house" and I found that to be very true.

I realize that cancer makes people uncomfortable and they don't know what to say...but to just up & disappear is cruel in my opinion. Obviously I'm better off without those people but its sure been rough going through this entire BC journey/nightmare alone. Its bad enough having your life turned upside down overnight...but to have friends & family you thought you could depend on walk out on you is heart breaking. The ppl I never even questioned for a moment that would be there for me weren't. Even after finishing chemo, getting my hair back and back to my new normal...those people are still MIA. I sometimes don't know how I got this far by myself.

Chelee

Julierene
I agree with what everyone said here...I had what I thought was a very good friend who suddenly disappeared when I started going for chemo all the time...all because I wasno longer "fun"....I didn't drink anymore or want to go out on Friday nights to the local clubs or bars......hmmmm, I knew cancer took my eyebrows and my hair, but i didn't realize it would take my "Funness".....needless to say, true friends are still there, unconditionally, and that is what is important....the old saying "it separates the men from the boys" applies here.

For me, it came down to those people in my life who added value to it and those who didn't. It was nothing obvious, but somehow, those who didn't add value to my life just slowly disappeared and the ones who add the most value are some of my greatest friends and supporters. As a Stage IV survivor, they are the ones who are not afraid to be around me and who are helping me to live life to the fullest.

Julierene - lots of interesting responses. I think Sheila nailed it and I've heard this from Bill and/or Lee: it really separates the men from the boys. Particularly in spouses. Nobody is less tolerant of those who fail to stand up than those here who are living examples of MEN and WOMEN who are standing with their loved ones and keeping the promise. I am so grateful for their example, and so disappointed in those (like your ex) who fail you when your need is most dire.

Colleen, you make a good point - yes, there were people who didn't add value; some of those backed away but more often I turned away from them. It made me realize I could not afford to give my time away to energy-vampires, so I could focus more energy on nurturing the relationships that did matter.

And Sheila, I assure, you cancer has not taken your fun-ness. You are very fun.

Wow, great responses. My ex husband is now getting married, after only 2 years since he divorced me. Then I find out this morning that they are coaching the kids to call this new girl "mom"! She has only spent about 10-15 days with MY children. And it just seems like ever since I told him about being stage 4, he has talked about me like I was past-tense. It has been devastating, and I am still struggling with this notion of my kids calling this stranger "mom"! I AM THEIR MOM!

"they are coaching the kids to call this new girl "mom"!

Hmmm...that seems like a great way to confuse the kids...at least at a semantic level. I have a nephew who lost his mom. He calls my bros now wife mom but not long ago pulled his grandma aside and showed here a picture saying "this is my real mom"

I have a wonderful step mother I call Mom. But my mother died from BC when she was 33.

That's what I mean..you know who your real mom is. The obvious is that you are more than alive. So...I bet this has little to do with cancer and more to do with ex's character flaw.

Yes, he destroyed our family because he didn't want me with cancer. The whole thing has left me feeling like he just "threw out the old mom". Now he has gone to the grocery store and bought a new "mom".

This is an interesting thread and I am so happy to stumble across it, thank you for starting this for us all. I have to say that all of these posts are a menagerie of our life with cancer. Ed and I have been alienated and have alienated others. Our life is pure and as close to perfect as it can be. We have also got rid of the negative parasites that were in our life too. One of the negative forces we ridded our lives from was my grandmother. She is just our landlord now, although a hard decision to make I have tried to avoid this for many years before cancer. Cancer aside, our lives are full of positive and pure aspects and individuals, only NED could make it any better.

As for you My Sweet, although you never received the reason why he left, you did deserve one even if it made no sense to you. Some people really do not know what to say or how to react when cancer comes to town and most do not understand the illness at all. Sometimes it is ignorance, sometimes self-protection. This does not make those people bad or negative, just one who may not help this journey be the best it can be. You have been through so much since becoming ill and all of it you never deserved. The quality people who love you have condensed to a neat little support group and that is what matters and everything you do deserve. Sending you love, support and a reminder that the people like me who love you will never leave and totally 'get it'. Thanks again for expressing yourself.>>Believe51

I was just thinking about this the other day.....I've decided that along with this diagnosis comes a new "ME" and a chance to start things fresh...and this can mean new friends, too....and stronger bonds with the ones still around. Our cancer world is not one that any of us would ever have chosen, but it's our world now....in spite of it all, it's not too bad. The people that surround me now are wonderful, kind, encouraging and loving....I thank God everyday for these people!

Yes, sad to say that some people will shock you with their behavior. I do think that these people who behave this way were always selfish or self absorbed, or weak, or whatever? but we did not notice it so much as we went along our merry way. But once we are dx. and begin the fight along our new journey we see people clearly. Maybe because we now seperate the nonsense and remove it from our life. We now know what is vital and really important. I truly feel sad for those that drop out of our lives at a time in our lives when it would have been just great to have the love and support from them...feel sorry for them for they are missing the best of us.

Julierene, I am sorry but your husband has the brain of a horses petunia.

Be assured your children know who their Mom is.
Sending you hugs,
Jean

I feel really fortunate that I have not experienced this... but, what I have experienced is something a little different. On occasion, family and friends have acted like I should have the same energy and stamina that they do. I have also been asked why I have become "lazy" - which I really think is unfair. An occasional friend or two have tried to lay guilt on me for not "being there as often or as readily" as I used to be - like I am somehow a deficient friend because I have to take time out for treatment or to recharge. To be fair, I don't feel like a "sick" person, and I don't let most friends see me when I am having a down day (I isolate when I need to recharge)... so they may not know the true reality of how my life has changed and how my overall stamina is not what it used to be. I know I present a pretty stoic front, but that's because I make sure I am socializing when I feel my best, so no-one is the wiser.

I am so sad that anyone has been made to feel written off by family or friends. It's shameful.

This thread has come to me at such an appropriate time! I have been battling a mini-depression (I hope) these last few weeks. I finished my year of Herceptin six weeks ago. And now I find myself battling with the questions "What do I do now?" I haven't gone back to work, because I still have numbness in my fingers and I'm afraid of dropping things. (I am a dental assistant).
I too have friends, who were so close with us, who have seemed to already write me off at the start. You know the type. They come to visit, but they have one eye on their watch and one on the door, for a quick escape. I haven't been angry with them--just sad, because I miss the good friendships we had. One couple in particular that we used to go out with often, and even vacation with--never called to suggest we get together. People just don't get it--that the nature of having cancer issolates us enough--we don't need more issolation!
Now, I find I don't leave the house at all(except for my regular walks) and generally no one comes and no one calls. T he wonderful people who stepped up while I was being treated now no longer come around because I'm "well" now. And my older friends have already written me off.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband and children and sibbilings who call often(we live thousands of miles from them).
But it's my everyday that I'm having trouble getting through.

Savta - I don't know where you live, but in my town, I found an amazing group of women (all ages) through the breast cancer resource center... we took it up a notch and created a fun and wonderful social group that get together often (twice a month for lunch and at least once every couple of months for an evening with the hubbies/partners/families). And in the past 4 years I have enjoyed new and wonderful friendships with women who know EXACTLY what it is like to live with cancer. We are there for each other and we are friends to each other. It is the true meaning of "support group"...

Rendi- like Marie said, we are not quite the same as blood family, but we will be there as much for you as we can. If you're ever lonely, and need a friend, come join us at the "campfire" one night. Brenda, Nikki and I saw the same thing from friends and some family members. They expected her, because she was so upbeat about everything, to always have a limit-less source of energy and be ready to run to the mall, park, etc. at the drop of a hat.

I think what you said Bill is right. If you try to be upbeat people seem to think it's a walk in the park! Only the people close that see you every day and know how hard a journey this cancer thing is really understand.
I felt so cross when I read that people had dared to suggest Brenda may be 'lazy' when she had battled so courageously this illness.I wanted to fly across the pond and shake them.
The thing that I find hard is when people look at me with pity.It is as if they don't think I am the same person as before.I guess it has to do with fear and the difficulty we all have in confronting our own mortality.
Ellie

Ellie - I agree about the pity. I don't like that either. I guess that is why I strive so hard to only socialize when I feel really good, so that no one is the wiser and I don't have to experience that. I have rid myself of those friends who I realized just weren't worth the energy... they just suck air out of the room and who needs that?

Thanks for posting Julierene, as I think many of us have experienced some sort shocking awaking when friends and family desert us just because of a cancer diagnosis. I was applaud to find that some of my close relatives and christian friends let me down after my diagnosis by ignoring me and not returning the friendship we once had. It hurt and took a long time to get over. However, now I consider it all for my gain, as I think that my life is so much easier without toxic, unsupportive people in it. Now I have more room in my life for the people who really do care and support me.

Don't worry about the other woman either that your exhusband has now. Nobody will ever take your place and know that you are unique and special. Take care, Julierene ,and keep your pretty face and spirit up and smiling.

Julierene,

There's a Chinese saying: "Even the most loyal son will not be present when one is ill for a long time." Most relations in our life are not trained medical professionals or counselors, it gets tough when our medical condition overwhelms them. And the natural repsonse based on 'animal instinct' is to 'flight' after 'fighting' for a while and couldn't see an end to it.

It hurts when a relationship breaks up - being a cancer patient or not. 'Living well' is always the best revenge.

Forgot to answer the question: Yes, I have been written off by many, many bosses and co-workers. I just switch my profession and start over (again and again...:)