~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

I just had a 30 minute conversation and understood nothing. This man I have had 18 years of beautiful conversations and I can't even communicate with. He just turned over a bottle of blue Gatorade over, of course not his fault. In the middle of this mess that gave me chest pains....religious services from Hospice calls....

Not sure I have enough on my plate, this is testing my faith. I might even have to change my name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Struggling with God and wondering where the hell he is 'cause he has certainly left us long ago. I am sure I will go to hell because I think my religion is a bunch of garbage!!

This disease SUCKS!!!!

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Oh Marie,

I'm quite certain you won't go to hell and whatever God you believe in is still there with you helping you cope with all this:)
I don't think you could have done it so well for so long otherwise without some divine intervention!!!
I don't know what else to say that I haven't already, but wanted you to know we hear and understand .....can you take a break for an hour and go do something relaxing that you'd enjoy??? Sounds like you need it:)

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Marie sending BIG HUG'S to you. Prayers still continue.

Take Care of you
 

Marie,
You have been so strong for so very long. You must allow yourself relief....emotionally, physically, spiritually....give yourself a break from being strong. Call it your personal time to whine, cuss, complain to Him....heck, throw something !! Take a break and be stronger for it tomorrow. We will be there with you and understand and love you all the more thru it all.
Hugs and love and prayers, Bonnie

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Thinking about you and sending you a giant hug. I am so so sorry. Please know we are all here to support you in any way you need!

Lisa

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Marie,
I undsrstand the frustration you are feeling right now. Eight years ago I lost my dear husband of 35 years to glioblastoma. After the brain surgery, he had extensive swelling because of the Gliodele wafers they put in. He lost his total ability to communicate. When he could not talk, he tried to write notes that no one could read. This was a man who was a pharmacist and could normally spell anything in the world. He got so frustrated at me when I could not understand that he threw a blueberry muffin across the room at me while we were still at Duke! I am sure that you know that this is as hard on him as it is on you.

He always (35 years worth) told me that life is for the living and he expected me to continue with my life. I learned after his death that this was the greatest gift he ever gave me. Please remember that as you go through this "hell." Your life will never be the same, but eventually you will be able to greet sunups with a smile. The old cliche', "Time heals," really is true. There will never be a day that you will not think of your Mighty Oak with love, but you will be able to enjoy living again.

You are in my prayers. I pray for strenght for you and peace for your husband.

Sandra

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Dearest Marie,

I have had many periods when I was sure there was no God, because I didn't think he could be so cruel. Then I remembered all of the times in the past where I thought the same thing, only to realize and then completely understand what He was up to when I doubted Him. You will only find peace when you release your will to Him. Let Him handle this, as only He knows how. I know this is a brutally horrible time for you, but you must have faith. Just because things don't go the way WE planned them, doesn't mean that they aren't being handled. When this is over, your faith and your God will be the only things that enable you to go on living. Trust me, I know.

As far as having a conversation with Ed, just look him in the eyes and know that he knows exactly what you are saying, and will "speak" to you in other ways. He needs you now more than ever. Take a break, then sit with him and be his comfort. God will be on one side and you on the other. You are both almost to the finish line with all of this. I envy Ed for having someone like you, and for getting to go home before I do. We'll all get there, in His time not ours. I send you both much love.

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Marie,

My hearts breaks for you. Go ahead and get mad at God. I would be mad too. Get it out and then start to lean on Him again. He'll get you through this.

My love and prayers to you both.

Tonya

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Thank you Tom ~ I love your words and I hope they provide some comfort to Marie. I can only imagine the unpleasant and dreadful place she is in at this time and my heart completely breaks for her and Ed.

Please know that your words really speak to me and are exactly what I needed to hear/read today.

All the love and peace and comfort to you today, sweet Marie. Whatever you need...

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

((((((((((((((((Marie)))))))))))))))))

What Tom said is perfect. He hears you needs you right now more than ever, he is in there listening to you and praying for you not him. He sees what you are dealing with. God is there, like Tom said he is on the other side. May his time come and be peaceful.

Your my hero!!!!!!!

Randi

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Sweet Marie,

I too have been mad at G-d - don't worry, He can take it. And time does heal all wounds, albeit never entirely in some cases.
I lost my beloved father 18 years ago - he was only 59 (heart attack), leaving my 52 year old mother a widow. I am 51 now, she was only a year older than I am now. I was heartbroken, mad and bitter for a long time. This disease sure sucks.

Try and get some time alone, for a break.

all the best
wishing you peace,
caya

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Sending love and hope for tons of angels to surround you, Marie. It's awful at times and nothing will bring peace, but then from where ever peace and goodness comes, once again the strength appears. You don't have to be perfect Marie, just you and all the things that make Ed and all of us love you. Once again I highly recommend a scream or two. Luvin' ya muchly, ma

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

((((((Marie))))))

Barb A.

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Oh Marie, I know we all feel lost at times and think God has left us, but I always remember the hymn Abide With Me and know he has not left. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Jeanette

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

My Dear Marie,
I never tire of re-reading this particular message. It always makes me smile.
"God is crazy about you. He sends you a sunrise everyday, flowers all year round. He has the universe, but prefers to live in your heart…

Love,
Gemma

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Marie,
I hope Tom's sage words are comforting to you. It's excrutiatingly hard to witness the slipping away of one so loved. My faith that the suffering was almost over helped slightly. The fact I was there helped me later.
You are THERE with Ed , which is so comforting to him, I pray that you are comforted in the future knowing this.
Blessings to you and Ed.

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

May I recommend a book that you may want to read, if not now later. "When God doesn't make Sense"..by James Dobson. My pastor gave it to me and my brother when we were both fighting our cancer. It really helped me a lot and I still go back and read it. You are in my prayers...sherry

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Hugs to you Marie...for hanging in there. Look into Ed's eyes and tell him how much you love him, and hate the struggle that you are both going through right now. Ed is your soul mate, something dear and precious...deal with God later! XO Suzan

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Marie,

Just big hugs to you and you certainly will not go to hell. You have been wonderful with Ed as he has been with you.

Love and prayers for you two lovely people.

Just do not know what to say, but everyone here is for you.

Janie

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

((((((((((((((((Marie)))))))))))))))))
Everybody has already said things a lot more eloquently than I can. God's still there. Love you sis!

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Dearest sister,
I have been gone and just came on today. I am heartbroken knowing what you are going through. It's Ok to get mad at God! I can't tell you how many times I've raised up in anger against him only to find him still waiting patiently in my heart. His presence will never leave you no matter how sad, angry or filled with despair as you walk this monumental road. I am so sorry that you have to go through this, I truly am. Time is the greatest healer and God brought Ed to you and will gently take him in his arms again.
But in the meantime, scream, cry, throw things....whatever you feel. This is the worst pain I can imagine. The cruelest reality.
I'm praying for you around the clock, my dear friend.
I love you,
Vickie

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

It is human to get upset when things are not going well.
I don't know anyone who doesn't get upset occassionally.
When I get upset because things are not going well I try to stop and ask myself what I am supposed to learn from the experience that will help me during my lifetime or afterwards. What are those around me supposed to learn from it? This includes learning something from health problems and how we respond to them.
God doesn't cause problems or suffering, but God is there to comfort us when we are suffering or have problems.
Is there someone near you who can help you with the day to day errands and chores, so you can be with Ed, get outside for a little walk or take a nap? That might help.

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Dearest Marie,

You are just going to have to trust me on this: God sees. He understands exactly how difficult it is to watch helpless as someone you love suffers. Remember He watched His Son die the brutal death of the cross. He has not forsaken you and Ed just as He did not forsake our Lord. You have every justification to feel abandoned in this time of great trial and despair. After all, our Lord cried out in the midst of His suffering, "My God, My God! Why hast thou forsaken me?" You, dear Marie, are only human and I believe it is very human to question your faith in moments of overwhelming pain and sadness.

God was waiting for His Son with open arms. He is waiting for Ed, too. What a beautiful reunion that shall be.

At the end of the day, all we have is our faith...

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Marie,
I think the disease may have taken over Ed's words, thoughts, and body. But I think that what remains the same is his spirit. I know this may be hard to define, but I think it may also be referred to the essense way down inside his core. At this point it is something felt, not heard or seen. I may be all off-base, but this is just something I believe.
If you are able to connect with these, maybe it will be possible to detach a bit to the other situations that arise from the disease.
Wishing you some peace.
Maryanne

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Oh Marie, I just want to hold you and hug you and tell you it's okay to feel the way you do. Somewhere in there is the Mighty Oak you love, he just can't express things the way he used to. And whether or not God is there right now for you, we may never know for sure. I like what Suzan said: Look into his eyes and keep telling him you love him.

Even though it's heartwrenching, these are important times. And you may need to tell him that he can let go, that you will be okay. Your bond is so strong, he may be trying to hang on for you.

If you go to hell, we all will. And when I get there, I will wait for you, and hug you tightly the moment you arrive. For you are one of the specialest people I know. And if you are there, hell can't be a bad place.

Hugs

Jacqueline

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Oh my dear Marie, My heart goes out to you in such a big way. Don't beat yourself up for the way your feeling...it's very normal at a time like this. Your only human girl. You have been through he$% and back and this isn't what you planned on. Your life has been turned upside down and the reality of it all is hitting you every which way from Sunday.

I lost my Mother to advanced lung cancer two yrs ago and towards the end it was almost unbearable for me to watch. I'd sit & talk to her not knowing if she heard me or even knew I was there. The last thing I told her before she passed was to go be with her Mother and to not worry about me...I was going to be alright. It wasn't long after that and she was gone. I some times like to believe she did hear me. But was I angry...you betcha. Marie...what your going through right now is tough to say the least...but God understands and he still loves you. He understands everything. He is, and will continue to be there for regardless of how your feeling right now. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there Marie...we are here for you.

Chelee

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Cancer sucks. You can vent anytime. We understand.

Re: ~Okay, 30 Minute Conversation and I Don't Understand A Word!!!!!
 

Marie, I think of you all day long. I'm so glad that you trust us well enough to vent here. We care deeply for you.
Best regards,
Barbara H.