Re: Irene From Tampa
 

Hello all.....
Many thanks to you all for the love & support you've shown Irene (and I by reflection). Without doubt these truly are the most trying days of my entire life...unquestionably.

I gained a sense of peace somewhere along the line today...and mention it in my post at Caring Bridge...but its dissapated in the few hours since typing the last word. I fear it will be this way for quite some time.

Unfortunately, this system wont allow me to copy/paste it to this forum...so if someone could assist me I'd appreciate it.

Be well - my goal is to get some sleep tonight as tomorrow is Irene's birthday, but sleep has been too great a challenge of late.

John

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

John I just copied and pasted what you wrote on the Caring Bridge site today.
My prayers still continue for Irene and you and the girls.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Today has been long, busy, tiring and yet mentally settling.

Irene had a restless night as her breathing was challenged.
She was unable to cough fully and clear her throat of some fluid, so the nurses were called multiple times to check her lungs and move her into a better/different position. In her lethargic state, she's not swallowing properly...fluids can go to her lungs...so the doctors have mandated nothing be given her by mouth.

Her ammonia level rose to 140.
Her bilirubun rose to 6.3
Her platlete count dropped to 19.

I cancelled her 15th - the long sought last radiation treatment. In Irene's condition, it would serve no curative purpose and it seemed an injustice to put her (and the technicans) through it.

She's resting comfortably besides me.

Perhaps she's overheard our room conversation...that she'll be going home. I (and the girls) visited Hospice House mid-morning and after learning the parameters of their service, decided fully to take her home to rest. We'll meet with the Hospice representative from the hospital on Saturday to make those arrangements.

I'll set her up in the middle of our family room - where she can be surrounded by all her loving friends...family...Maxx & Mollie - for as long as she'll let us have her. Hospice will be on hand (or on call) to keep her comfortable and I and the girls will fill her days with music, reading, sunlight and love. Lots of love.

When we have her there...come often...make yourself (and Irene) comfortable.

From the Hospice House we traveled to east Tampa - to revisit a patch of ground Irene & I had chosen many years ago as our final resting place.. She was to have a stem cell transplant...a possibly fatal procedure...so such arrangements were necessary. She made it though the transplant and the many months thereafter. It wasnt easy..but she/we made it...the land wasnt needed and since its matured into the quiet, peaceful place we envisioned.

Discussions took place and tentative arrangements were reached to care for Irene after she passes. Irene's final days wont be cluttered by administrative matters. Eventually Irene (and someday I) will rest beneath a proud oak tree...with wind chimes and gentle breezes. A bench will be left for you to sit on...and tell us of your day.

My heart overflows whenever I read the many prayers & passages that you all have provided for Irene. Theres something too special about such loving expressions...I dont have the words. Rest assured...I promise...that I will read each and every last line to Irene...as softly and best I can.

Although it wont ever be forgotten, its time for me let today go.

Dont forget - tomorrow will be Irene's 64th birthday. If you cant come and give her a kiss...think of her all day. It will be her last birthday - so make sure you dont forget to celebrate the entirety of her. Fill your day with her. No "Sorry I missed your birthday" cards will do this time.

As I close, Irene is "exercising" both feet under the sheets...
Dr. George's words probably ringing in her ears.

Its tender, heartbreaking and no wonder why I love this woman so much.


Love to all - John

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

Many hugs to you and Irene. I hope she has a wonderful birthday. Her life and her strength should be celebrated by everyone.

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

Happy 64th Birthday (1-22), Irene. We'll be celebrating with you.

[Shen Zih kuai Lerh]

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

Happy birthday, Irene!!! I'll be praying and thinking of you and your wonderful
family who loves you so much!

Here's happy birthday in Portuguese:

Feliz Aniversario!!!

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

Happy birthday Irene. Please know that you are surrounded by prayer, love and comforting hugs. I am glad that you have such a wonderful man to care for you. You and your family are in my prayers daily.

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

Dear Irene,

Happy Birthday & Hartelijk Gefeliciteerd (Congratulations from my heart) as we say in the Netherlands. May the love you have showed to all be mirrored a thousand times in this world.

As a birthday gift I am sending rays of light and well-being.

Love

Jacqueline

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

Irene,

Happy birthday.

Amelia

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

Irene,

I'm sending you birthday greetings and hugs from Deep in the HEART of Texas. My love goes out to you and your family as you celebrate today. Your life has been a gift and an inspiration to us all.

Love, Alice

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

Happy Birthday, Irene.
I have been thinking of you all day.
Barbara

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

You were in my prayers this morning. Happy birthday to you!

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

You were in my thoughts so much today. Praying for peace for all of you. Irene was my grandmother's name....lovely, lovely name.

Sending love,
Maureen

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

I woke up this morning wishing Irene a beautiful Birthday as she shares these moments with you all. I go to bed tonight thinking of her too. She shares my sisters name and one of my best friends birthday. Thank you for sharing so much with us John. It is greatly appreciated.
Much love and peace ~ Ruth

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

Happy Birthday Irene
I am praying to Sister Mary McKillop (our nearly new Australian saint) for you.

God Bless You.
Jackie (down under)

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

Happy birthday, Irene. Sending love, hugs, and prayers to you and your loving family. God bless and keep you all, and bring you peace.

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

Sorry I've not posted for a few days, but they've been both evenful and tiring.

Irene's birthday was a happy day...yet sadness was lurking. So many friends and family members came with best wishes and happy hearts that at times the air was filled with happy laughter and friendship. Tears of both joy and saddness could easily be found.

The hospital had to ask the overflow to contain themselves when in the hallway. They've been nothing but hardworking, understanding, caring and kind during the entire ordeal and I want them to know that its recognized and taken to heart. It takes a special heart to remain strong amongst such trying circumstance - yet these people can do it.

Irene's white blood cell count had dropped below 1 - so surgical masks and antiseptic soap were required by all. Her counts havent been this low since the stem cell transplant.

We hope to bring Irene here tomorrow. Hospice didnt show up yesterday so our meeting was delayed by an administrative snafu. So I hope to meet with them this afternoon...hopefully time enough for them to get the necessary equipment to the house.

The girls and some friends are coming over today to help take down the Christmas tree and decorations which have remained in place since the house was evacuated about a month ago. Its odd to be walking amongst gift packages and alike that bring only an odd sense of detachment and sadness.

Its early Sunday and I'm at home.
I came here yesterday evening to organize things a bit but simply ran out of gas and couldnt make the drive back. Andrea was good enough to bring me some necessary medicine so I could remain.

I'm totally exhausted yet cant find sleep in my own bed. I dont know whats to come of the future, but I foresee cold seas and I'm a tired swimmer. Best I keep thoughts to a minimum.

As I often do, I ran through my picture albums of better times...but must admit I'm crushed and they didnt have the desired affect. Hopefully next time.

I updated the Caring Bridge phote album with some more pictures of Irene during happier times and with good people.

Be well and all my love - John

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

From Irene's Caring Bridge website:

Tomorrow Irene comes back home....to a spotlessly clean house. The girls, Irene's brother Paul, his Soul Mate Liz and the irrepressible Erma cleaned this house of dust of the ages. The dust of some dinosaur fossils were found...just before being sucked up into the vacuum cleaner!

Truly : they deserve serious praise for their hard, extensive work. For the honor they paid Irene.

Michele & I met with a Hospice representative at the hospital in the afternoon and arrangements were put into motion. Necessary equipment will be delivered before noon - then sometime in the afternoon I'll be dropped at the hospital so I can ride with her back home. She's coming home.

I found loading up the car with things from Irene's hospital room difficult. Over the years I'd wheeled cartloads of flowers,
clothes in plastic bags, luggage & medical supplies...from many of Irene's hospital rooms, but something was different this time...something undefined.

Until it hit me: it was the flowers.

These flowers would be different. Irene wouldnt be getting well this time and "suggesting"where I should plant them. Irene wouldn't be healing and tending to them months after...or being certain I did. Irene wouldn't be there to put cuttings into a table top vase and light up the room. It was the flowers. These flowers had no home and I found myself crying while filling my car with them.

There's so many things about this turmoil that simply destroy me. I see others struggle as well...but sense they have a better grip and I'm both puzzled and jealous. I know I'm suppose to find peace...find understanding in that she'll be in a better place...at rest...when this war finally ends...but my heart and mind simply aren't on the same page. They cant find accord...and I cant find peace.

Before leave leaving Irene for the night, I spoke to her.
The nurses had recently roused her...causing her to open her eyes. Andrea spoke to her Mother lovingly and Irene's face relaxed into peace fullness...her eyes closed contentedly as she listened. Then I told her how much I loved her and asked her to have sweet dreams: "to dream of Italy...to remember
Cortona...Kay & Ed....Fernando & Giovanna...dream sweet dreams darling...remember Italy." A tear formed under her eye which Andrea wiped away. I'll always remember that.

Before leaving the room I stopped and returned. Pulling some paper from my suitcase, found the prayer: Stay with me Lord - and read it to her. If she should pass during the night...if should she should pass in my absence...I wanted my last words to her to bring her comfort.

Although I've never felt such anquish before...and I hope never to again...I want to do this right. I need to do this right. I want her to know I love her...and that it was done right.


John


ps - theres some new photos in the album.

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

John -
Thank you for opening your heart here and showing all the spirit the family and friends are pouring forth in these gut wrenching days.

You are " a prince of a guy" as my dad would day.

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

John, what you daily give to Irene is what we all long for and greatly fear won't be there for us when we need it most. God bless you for caring so kindly and choosing rightly for Irene. ma

Re: Irene From Tampa
 

Irene is home.

On a sunny, blue sky day...Irene came home.
Our family room is filled with the reflected sunlight of late afternoon and the sounds of Tuscany are flowing over her.

Most precious is that she's amazingly aware.

Following many days of silence, I arrived to the hospital to find she'd "woken up" and could stare up at the girls and myself. She's recognizing and acknowledging people and conversation with head motions or light moans.

She recognized Mollie calling out to her from outside and per her gently when Mollie was brought to her.

My guess is...that she's been laying back...resting and marshalling her strength all the while listening to us talk about her coming home...and she didnt want to sleep through it!

Amazing woman.

Rest assured....
She knows that I love her...
She knows my heart is hers to take on her journey...
And I know that she loves me too.

Taking her hand I told her that I'd never stop pestering her and love her forever...and she smiled.


John