Sorry, Joe, Bill, Lee and Mighty Oak
 

It only a joke. . . or is it?

President George Bush and first Lady Laura Bush were taking a road trip.

They stopped into a convenience store to buy gas and a few munchies. While inside, the clerk behind the counter came up to Laura and she in turn gave him a BIG hug and a kiss. George needless to say, got a little perturbed.

They got back into the car and George asked Laura, "so who in the world was that fellow"?

Laura responded: "He was the guy that I dated before you and almost married."

George then stuck his chest proudly and said, "Well aren't you glad you married me??? If you married him you would be the wife of a Convenience Store clerk!!"

Laura response:


"No, if I married him, then he would be the President"!!

Naw, 'Nita that's a good one!

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him down an Alp.

a blonde returned home from work to find her house ransacked and burglarized. she called the police and reported the crime. a k-9 unit was the first on the scene. as the officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch and moaned, "i come home from work to find all my possesssions stolen....i call the police and what do they do? they send a BLIND policeman!"

I always forget to look at "Keeping Your Mind Off of BC"
 

Hi Everyone...

I always forget to look at "Keeping Your Mind Off Of BC" - I had so much fun reading these jokes....I have one too............

'A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home in time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned. Then at 8:00 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway. "What happened" says the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!" "Harry had a heart attack at the third hole" says the husband. "Oh that's terrible" says the wife. "I know" the husband answers. All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Harry...hit the ball, drag Harry.....

Hahahahaha! Sorry that's the best I could do. Hahahahaha!

Mary Jo

Cute!
A young woman was brought before a judge to answer for a ticket she received for running a red light She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher, and requested that her case be dismissed so she could get back to her charges at school. Upon hearing this, a gleam came into the judges eye. "So you're a school teacher? I've waited for years to have a schoolteacher in my courtroom," he said. "Now sit down at the table right there and write "I will not run red lights" 500 times."

Tee Hee!
 

A wise sage once professed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

You didn't finish off a case of spray cheese? If you did you would be feeling freaking great.

No, I thought that might be unhealthy...

Marejo's funny joke reminded me of a true story. Several years back, a group of my friends went deep sea fishing for marlin on a charter boat. Rick was in the fishing chair when all of a sudden a giant Blue Marlin nails the bait and takes off. Everyone gathers around and watches as this huge fish is taking line and once in awhile as Rick is fighting him, jumps through the air! This was a huge, very strong fish, and if you've never hooked into one, it's alot of exertion to land them. After about 20 minutes of hard fighting, Rick grabs his chest and falls out of the seat and says, "I'm having a heart attack!" At that point 3 men almost break their necks fighting to get into the seat and grab the fishing rod and reel so that the fish couldn't get away! No one lunges for Rick as he slumps to the deck! After about 30 seconds, Jimmy winds up in the chair and reels in the slack and they determine the fish is still hooked and the fight resumes. Everyone cheers! Then they all look at Rick, who by this time has crawled over to lean against the side of the boat, obviously having a heart attack. Mind you, these guys have been fishing buddies for years. Jimmy says, "hey man! are you ok?" Rick says,"I'm having a heart attack" Everyone is still at the stern rail waiting for the Marlin to jump again. I'm not sure who asks, but someone says, "what do you want us to do?" Rick says,"that's the biggest fish I ever hooked into. You fight that GD thing and bring him on board!" LOL, yet another cheer goes up. Every few minutes or so, someone goes to sit with Rick while he's having his heart attack. At one point the captain shouts down from the pilothouse, "what's going on down there?" Rick says,"Just tell him I'm resting! If he knows I'm having a heart attack, he'll turn the boat around" The bait boy knows what's going on, but everyone assures him that he will get a great tip, so he doesn't tell the captain, but he feels bad for Rick, so he puts a cold, wet rag on his head and gives him a bottle of water and then goes back to the rail to watch the marlin jump. Periodically, they check on Rick, but he insists that this heart attack doesn't seem as bad as the others, and that they should keep fighting the fish. Once in awhile Rick shouts encouragement from the deck and asks how the fight is going. One time he actually crawled back over to the chair and wanted to take a turn in it, but the guys, who were taking turns in the fighting chair, wouldn't let him, telling him he had to "rest". They did check once in awhile to see if he wanted to bee-line back to shore, but Rick wanted that fish. Finally, after 4 HOURS! they got the marlin aboard and told the captain, "we're not sure, but we think maybe Rick had a little heart attack alittle while ago. Maybe we should head back to the dock." They shot back to the dock and had an ambulance waiting for Rick upon arrival.

A clown, a baby seal, and a dyslexic rabbit walk into a club. The bartender says to the clown, "Your not going to start any funny business are you?" The baby seal says, "Don't worry, he is a sad clown, he won't be any trouble." The clown asks, "Do you have an Kosher dill pickles? " Then the dyslexic rabbit says................

Oh wait a minute. I forgot this joke was wholly and completely inappropriate for this forum. Never mind.

A penguin takes his car into the shop and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out. He goes across the street to the 7-11 to kill some time and get an ice cream. But because he's got no hands, the penguin gets the ice cream all over his beak. He goes back to the shop and the mechanic tells him "well, it looks like you blew a seal" - and the penguin tells him "naw, that's just a little ice cream"...

OK, not totally clean, but really funny!

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The
doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January.'

Whoa, Becky, congrats for all your posts and helpful communications here! Way to go, girl.

Since you are the expert in MEDICAL here goes some medical jokes:

WHY DID THE COOKIE GO TO THE DOCTOR?
HE WAS FEELING CRUMMY.

WHY DO SOME DOCTORS PRACTICE MEDICINE SO LONG?
THEY ARE TRYING TO LEARN TO DO IT RIGHT,

WHAT DID THE DOC SAY TO THE PATIENY AFTER SURGERY?
THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU.

CAN COFFE MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER WITH THE FLU DOC?
IT MADE MAX-WELL.

HOPE THESE MADE YOU LAUGH, BEC.

a minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. the group surrounded a dog. concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "what are you doing with that dog?" one of the boys replied, "this dog is just an old neighborhood stray. we all want him, but only one of us can take him home, so we're having a contest. we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." taken quite aback, the minister said, "you boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he then launched into a 10 minute sermon against lying, beginning with "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with "why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." there was dead silence for about a minute. just as the minister was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "all right, give him the dog."

I've heard that Tequila is another in the same class of drugs... the added side effect with Tequila is that it makes your clothes fall off.

Gee, I feel shortchanged, I just fell off the barstool.

Sheila, that Chardonnay joke was hilarious!

st peter and satan were having an argument about football. satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand picked team. "very well," said st. peter. "but you realize, i hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." satan replied, "i know, and that's all right. we've got all of the referees."

My onc told me this one the other day - (he has 4 kids all under the age of 7)

Why was the ant so confused?

Because all of his uncles were ants...

Retirement plans compared...


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original
$1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines stock you
would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have
nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year
ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for
recycling,
you would have $214.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is
to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Hi gang!
Hope this one is "clean" enough. Most of us can relate ...

Subject: ROOM 302



A sweet grandmother telephoned <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://her2support.org/vbulletin/ /><st1:City w:st=St. Joseph</st1:City>'s Hospital. She timidly asked,
'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number? '

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood
pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The Grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me ANYTHING.'<O:p

Roflmao...

Tide Testamonial
 

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What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
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double roflmao

Hey peeps! We need to freshen up this thread - most of us need a good chuckle! This is fairly timely ...

Doctors' Opinions ofGovernment's Financial Bail Out Package

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some a**holes in Washington, D.C.

More jokes, anyone?
 

WE STILL NEED OUR CHUCKLES to keep our Endorphins working!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

My oldest daughter, Heather, has a very warped sense of humor. I cannot for the life of me figure out where she got that. Anyways, these are examples of jokes that Heather thinks are the funniest:


What is red and goes up and down?

A tomato in an elevator.


What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.


What is long green and has six wheels?

Grass, except for the wheels part.


She may be a big goof, but she's my big goof.