I hope I did the right thing...this is long!

[Ceesun]

Her 2 friends, I want to share an experience today that at first made me feel rather good and now I am having some doubts and now I am upset after reading the comments about the 5 year mark. Went for a little stroll and shopping at our local mall and while I was looking in this art store, I heard one of the elderly workers yell theres my sister and went up to this gal who had the chemo look...knit hat, buttoned up coat, tired and pale and started babbling on about cancer. I did not listen to the whole conversation but I think it was BC. As I left the store, I did something really out of my comfort zone. I walked up to the gal, put my arm around her and quietly said, "I am one of your sisters, too and you will be alright." I am rather private so I surprised myself. She said really, I was diagnosed in 03 and recurred. And I said that is the same for me. Maybe out of respect neither of us asked for details. She said chemo is hard and I am so tired. I said yes, of course it is..but we just put one foot in front of the next and push on. She hugged me and said that she met nice people at the mall today and I said me, too I wish you the best..you will be ok. Now I feel like I may have given false hope as we here at Her2 know many who should be alive and are not and some with poor prognostic factors who are doing quite well. I am so upset now and I hate that we are all in this cancer mess...5 year marks are arbitrary and Herceptin is a miracle for some and for others not so much..please do not argue about that....triple positive? er pr negative...it can all change up anyway. Perhaps my first chemo nurse said it best...breast cancer is very unpredictable...perhaps that says it all. I think this is my first rant of a post, so may I also add I hate pink...the wristbands...all of it. I have dark hair and eyes and olive skin so it used to be my favorite color...not for the last eleven years...and I mean no disrespect because I have done the walk and runs. I live it every day and don't need the reminders. Sorry for the rant...hope my small outreach was a good thing....just not so sure. Cathy

[sarah]

Hello Cathy,
You did the right thing. Hope is essential. Living with hope and really living is much better and more fun than being fearful and depressed. I also believe strongly that it helps our immune system and certainly makes us happier and isn't a happy life better? I think every cancer patient needs someone to tell them what they've been through and give them hope and the strength to go through the battle. I know having a cancer buddy through my 2 bouts of bc, helped me and I also know I have helped others by being there and being the proof that I got through it and above all listening. Only a fellow traveler can really help. Making someone feel better can never be a mistake. you did the right thing. A courageous thing. I would have appreciated it. Hugs are good!
be well
love sarah

[michka]

I agree with Sarah. You did well Cathy.

[rhondalea]

Sarah, you said that so eloquently, I can't think of anything to add, except what michka said:

Well done, Cathy.

[Cath]

What you did brought tears to my eyes. That was a very kind act. Hope is all we have and if we can draw strength from each other and give strength and hope to those we don't know but in need, it is a wonderful gesture. Don't think twice - what you did was wonderful!

[thinkpositive]

Cathy,

Who am I to judge if you did the right thing? It is true that some of us respond better to treatment than others. However, even with an initial good response we don't know how long we will be NED. There is so much yet to learn about this disease that we have. I often look for somebody to tell me that I am "cured" and that I will never have a recurrence. However, the fact is that there aren't any stats out there for my treatment (neoadjuvent TCHP)

I believe that most of us want to comfort others and offer support when we see that somebody is battling this disease. For me personally, when somebody (other than my doctors) say that "you'll be alright", I don't interpret this to mean that I'm going to survive this disease. Instead I interpret this as a gesture of well wishes and to keep positive thoughts in my mind which puts a person in the best place mentally to fight this disease.

Cathy, you did what your heart told you to do. Trust in yourself.

[sassy]

Cathy,

I don't think we ever do the wrong thing by offering support and empathy to others who are traveling this path. Who better relates or understands?

The simple fact that you showed you cared, said far more than any words.

In admiration,

[tricia keegan]

I agree Cathy, I also work a voluntary day at my local cancer wellness center and they insist on long training for this,none of us know how a person will respond but it never hurts to give a hug and some hope to a person struggling whatever the outcome.

[Carol Ann]

Cathy, you did a very kind, loving thing. It was a gesture from your heart. I'm sure that lady was sincerely appreciative. Hearing "You'll be ok" from someone who has been there is very different than hearing someone say it who has no idea of what they are talking about, because they haven't been there themselves.

Carol Ann

[Pamelamary]

Must echo the others in saying well done, Cathy! You have offered hope, comfort and most importantly, understanding - I have found nothing as helpful as a listening ear from somebody who REALLY understands what is going on here in Cancerville. Of course there are no guarantees, but we all try to put one foot in front of the other and find joy wherever we can. Best wishes to you..... Pam

[annettchen]

I agree, well done.

The most memorable experience I had along those lines was a prep-nurse for my first ever CT after I was diagnosed with bone mets. I lay on that prep-strecher thingy and was crying, looking at pictures of my daughter on my phone. That nurse came to put my IV in, but before she did so, she just gave me a long hug and said "I'm praying for you. You'll be ok."

It was such a comfort. I knew that she did not mean to tell me that I'll live another 20 years to see my daughter grow up. But in that moment, she helped me immensly to get over it and move on, to remember to take one step after the other.

If ever I met her again (which unfortunately I have not so far, even though I have regular CTs), I would love to be able to thank her for her kindness and tell her how much she helped me. I was just so confused at the time, that I did not even think of saying thank you (I usually do have manners, though!). And that other woman may have been as surprised as I was - does not mean she did not appreciate what you did. I would have...

[lkc Gumby]

Cathy, your kindness speaks volumes. Well done.

[Ceesun]

Ladies, Thank you all for the very kind and wise collective comments. I appreciate the "that a girl" and especially coming from all of you. I love this website and all of the good that comes from it. If I had a do-over, I would do the same thing...and maybe this will help me step out of the box a little more. See what you all started...ha! Take care everyone. Cathy

[Laurel]

Cathy,

I think what you did was kind, brave, and perfect. Hope blooms eternal and none is false.

[Jackie07]

Thank you, Cathy, for sharing this 'step out of the box' story.

When I experienced terrible depression after job loss due to the brain surgery in 1990 a year 4 months prior, the neurologist told us that people need to be particularly kind to a 'trauma patient'. The diagnosis of breast cancer, as we all have experienced it, can be traumatic to anyone.

So, hurrah to you, for being extra kind to one of our BC sisters.

[Carol Ann]

Random, senseless acts of kindness ... Cathy has started it ... to honor our dear Kristin this Christmas Season, let's keep it going!

Who's with me?

Carol Ann

[SoCalGal]

C----WOW! You did a good thing. Probably even a great thing. We all need to hear that we are going to be okay.
(You did make me laugh a bit at the rant, just because it IS so out of the norm for you. I say that is the best part of the whole deal - good to get it all off your chest. I hate pink, too. And especially hate cancer).
"have a nice day"
Love,
soCalgal

[Mtngrl]

Dear Cathy,

Thank you so much for sharing this. What you did was fantastic, wonderful, and loving.

I don't even know what "false hope" is. And "you'll be OK" can never ultimately mean "you're not ever going to die," so there's no need to think you've misled someone when you offer encouragement and you point to yourself as an example of someone living well with metastatic breast cancer.

As others have said, it all comes down to quality of life. The woman was having a crappy day, and you went out of your way to show her kindness. You improved her quality of life for that moment. Good for you.

[Kkmom]

Ceesun,
I think you did the right thing. I bet we can all remember going through chemo and feeling so alone and isolated. When I was going through chemo, I had a women sit down beside me in the waiting room and she just starting talking to me. She said, 15 years ago, I was in your shoes. She told me about how she had gone through chemo, radiation, surgery, etc and she was still standing. Her words comforted me so much. As far as giving false hope, something will take us all in the end.
I bet your words gave that women more hope, encouragement and comfort than you can imagine.
Pam

[Adriana Mangus]

Ceesun, I'm sure the lady you talked to has already put this behind her. You are awesome!