Feeling good (most of the time)

[Cat]

I was in my oncologists office the other day and started talking to a woman that sounded like she had very early breast cancer and a lumpectomy with no need for chemo or radiation. I was happy for her but also jealous. Then I started thinking about it and realized even with stage IV and multiple treatments over the past almost 8 years, I actually looked and probably felt healthier than she did. I began to sit taller and carry myself stronger because most of the time that is how I feel. Sure I have my side effects that bug me but at this point I know how to handle most of them. I wouldn't argue if God wanted to remove this disease from me but since it's here I haven't stopped living. There are times when I can't exercise because of it (and also times I choose not to... oops). I eat with health in mind but am not fanatical and enjoy "junk" at times. I was thrilled when they came out with dark chocolate being healthy. It seems my oncologist sees me as doing and looking very well and comments on it regularily and I figure he would know. I have never asked about prognosis or time left etc. because I know they are meaningless except to the bean counters somewhere out there. I won't lie though I did check numbers in the beginning until I realized how fruitless it was. I have tried to keep my body healthy to tolerate all that I ask it to put up with and so far it works most of the time. The winter in the Chicago suburbs has been very long starting in early Dec. and it feels like it will go on and on, especially when Anchorage has been warmer than us and last year our first measurable snow was Jan. 25 and we have so far passed our yearly average. As much as I don't like it , I relish the fact that I can get out and snow blow the drive and or shovel. I haven't gotten to ski this year but weather permitting I will try. I miss my dog and walking him but I am grateful not to have to shovel the backyard for him to go in. He was a good size (55#) but we've had a lot of snow pile up and I wouldn't want to stick my butt in it to poop so I don't think he would have either. But I regress and got hooked on the weather here which unfortunately is a big conversation piece around here since no one wants to go do anything else. I know it has nothing to do with cancer but maybe thats my point. We have no control over cancer, weather, the people in line ahead of us in the store, all random things that get in our way but are only as devastating as we let them be.
Thanks for letting me ramble and hopefully you all have or get some peace with this stupid disease and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Now I think I'll go make some chili, and get ready to curl up in the family room and watch the superbowl and watch the weather out the window...
Hugs to all, Cathy

[BonnieR]

What a wonderful and uplifting message! Thanks for sharing it. Enjoy every minute of precious life, even in the snow!
Keep the faith

[Cat]

Tho I do regress in age at times. I meant to write "I digress" in my rambling above. I guess that's why I've never tried to write a book. The editors would go nuts!
Cathy

[Pamelamary]

Dear Cathy,
That just about sums it up - feeling good, most of the time! I think most of us feel pretty grateful if that is the case. So continue to sit tall and carry yourself strong - and hope you enjoyed your chill! By the way, down here in southern Australia, we are panting through days on end of 40 degrees! (that's Celsius).
Best wishes.... Pam

[JillaryJill]

Cathy,
I am a polar vortex (and breast cancer) survivor also. You can ramble all you want about this Chicago winter!!! It has been a doozy. Your post is uplifting...you have been through so much...yet your light shines through in your writing. Good luck to you!

[suzan w]

Thanks for this post! I also feel good...most of the time! Feeling sorry for myself does happen, I seem to be able to kick my own butt however and get back on the positive side. Our "polar vortex" here in as Florida saw temps fall into the low 40's.....!!!!!

[KsGal]

Thank you for that post. I, too, feel fairly well most of the time. I have to take naps every six or so hours because I am just soooo tired, and I have to pop a pain pill when I first wake up most mornings, but I am still here. I can go shopping and drive my car and go out to eat with my kids. I still cook dinner for my family every night, and I am so very grateful that I am able to do all those things, praise God. I get scared and depressed sometimes, especially when I think about friends we have lost here like Denise and Jessica and Courtney who had the brain mets like me. I try to keep those thoughts out of my head, but it's just too hard sometimes. When I start thinking like that I get depressed and I cry, not just for myself but for all of us. I wish this had never happened to any of us. It only lasts a while, but nobody wants to visit that place for very long! I have a lot to be grateful for, and I will continue traveling down this road looking for the positives and being grateful for what I have.