yanyan
05-04-2013, 12:30 AM
Past few weeks have been tough knowing my diseases have progressed and learning about Christie's passing. It seems selfish whining about my rash as so many others are dealing bravely with more serious problems but I really feel scared and this is the place where I can share my feelings with people in the same situation.
Long story short- 2 months ago new red rash started appearing on my cancer breast. About one month ago I showed it to my oncologist who thinks it looks more like a broken vessel not cancer. So I went on my 4 week vacation and came back yesterday looking at myself again and again only to confirm it has gotten even worse. If it were a broken vessel it would have healed in 4 weeks at least got better but it didn't. The redness now covers almost half of my breast and slowly crawling toward the other breast. I have a few appointments next week including an appointment with a surgeon for a punch biopsy.
I guess the plan is to change chemo again. I am very scared and tired at this point although I still have quite a few options available. My hair has finally grown long enough for a pony tail and I was hoping things wouldn't change so fast that I could have surgery and get off chemo. I know having a negative thought does not help its hard not to when your hopes are let down. On one hand I feel so hopeless and done with this cancer thing, on another hand there are so many others living a quality life with cancer and finally get to NED. It could be me too. I start to understand why some people choose to quit treatment because it just never ends and at some point you tell yourself that's it I'm done. It's amazing there are quite a few miracle ladies on this forum. Their stories light up hope for so many of us. My heart saddens when I hear about people stopping responding to chemo drugs and some are diagnosed at a less severe stage.
My almost 7 year old daughter wrote me a note while I was gone. She wrote " mom I miss you. I hate being without you. I hope you have a safe flight home..." I was tearful when I read the note and wondered what if mom can't be there for you someday.
I guess each time our diseases progresses we panic and then we get treatment, we feel better and more hopeful. I am also debating whether I should quit working and get on social security. I have worked for about 9 years figured it qualifies me for disability if I become disabled at 38. I tried to work full time and maintain a normal life as my way of dealing with cancer. Now I am just so worn out and concentrating on my healing is more important. I read Jessica's post that she is applying for ss after more than 10'years. She is such a fighter!
Any thoughts comments are appreciated.. Thanks for listening...
Long story short- 2 months ago new red rash started appearing on my cancer breast. About one month ago I showed it to my oncologist who thinks it looks more like a broken vessel not cancer. So I went on my 4 week vacation and came back yesterday looking at myself again and again only to confirm it has gotten even worse. If it were a broken vessel it would have healed in 4 weeks at least got better but it didn't. The redness now covers almost half of my breast and slowly crawling toward the other breast. I have a few appointments next week including an appointment with a surgeon for a punch biopsy.
I guess the plan is to change chemo again. I am very scared and tired at this point although I still have quite a few options available. My hair has finally grown long enough for a pony tail and I was hoping things wouldn't change so fast that I could have surgery and get off chemo. I know having a negative thought does not help its hard not to when your hopes are let down. On one hand I feel so hopeless and done with this cancer thing, on another hand there are so many others living a quality life with cancer and finally get to NED. It could be me too. I start to understand why some people choose to quit treatment because it just never ends and at some point you tell yourself that's it I'm done. It's amazing there are quite a few miracle ladies on this forum. Their stories light up hope for so many of us. My heart saddens when I hear about people stopping responding to chemo drugs and some are diagnosed at a less severe stage.
My almost 7 year old daughter wrote me a note while I was gone. She wrote " mom I miss you. I hate being without you. I hope you have a safe flight home..." I was tearful when I read the note and wondered what if mom can't be there for you someday.
I guess each time our diseases progresses we panic and then we get treatment, we feel better and more hopeful. I am also debating whether I should quit working and get on social security. I have worked for about 9 years figured it qualifies me for disability if I become disabled at 38. I tried to work full time and maintain a normal life as my way of dealing with cancer. Now I am just so worn out and concentrating on my healing is more important. I read Jessica's post that she is applying for ss after more than 10'years. She is such a fighter!
Any thoughts comments are appreciated.. Thanks for listening...