Venting and hopefully someone understands or feels my pain.

[linn65]

I am taking venlafaxine (Effexor), but I am on a dosage of 37.5 MG a day, and I wonder if my dosage should be upped???

My Hot flashes have been much better until after I have the herceptin treatment then I have 10 a day I think but without the Venlafaxine maybe it might be even worse I don't know. In addition, my moods are all over the place, so I am hoping I get more bang for my buck with the Venlafaxine....Meaning mood stabilizer and hot flash stablizer.

After going through TCH, Radiation, and needless doctor's appt it seems now to just say; What are you doing for fun?? It Is such a waste of my time going to see the ONC and Breast Surgeon every 3 months for a meet and greet now makes me angry!! I want to have a positive attitude and my self talk tells me look you have made it through all the rough stuff so now be thankful that you have to only go every 3 weeks until December for Herceptin.

I tell myself all of this but it does not make me feel better!!

My hair is maybe a 1/2 inch long again I should be thankful. I make myself go and do things and am working on fake it until you make it kind of thing.....Like if you go and do then somehow pie in the sky will happen and a positive, thankful, and appreciation for making it this far will kick in, but I am still not feeling it.

I want to feel positive, thankful, appreciative, and appreciate all the small things in life that I did not before.

I am starting to think like the movie, "One Bird Flew Over the Coo Coo's Nest". Maybe, I just need a labotomy on my brain.....

And OMG if I take my wig off and get told; You really have a nice shaped head, and I would not tell you that if it wasn't the truth....I HATE HAVING HAIR THAT LOOKS LIKE I SHOULD BE IN THE MILITARY I miss my long hair and yes I know my hair will grow back, and I haven't even started talking about only having 1 breast!!! I know people do not know what to say, people are trying to be kind, people are trying to be encouraging. I get it!!

I just feel angry, sad, frustrated and YES I KNOW I NEED TO HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE! I don't want to 1/2 inch hair, 1 breast, depression, alone and gawd knows I do not want to cry once a week....I envy others going through this that seem to be positive and do all the things I should be doing or need to do!! Then of course I spiral out of control at times thinking geez I cannot even do this cancer right.....What really is funny is when people tell me I am an inspiration, I have such a good attitude, and am doing so well. When in my mind I am thinking if you could read my thoughts right now uhm I am not this person you are speaking of, and I feel like a little bit of fake!!

An analogy or like a movie; Sometimes I feel like I am standing in this world at a stand still, looking around, and I am not moving just standing and looking around at people and life and not living mine, and I don't know how to live it or what to do to change it. If you talk about it to anyone everyone has the answers on what you should do and know exactly how to fix it, and I think again all well meaning, but they are not living this life. It is soooo much easier than done!!! I can't even take a vacation or should I say use my vacation time to do something fun because my time I have goes to doctors appts, tests and treatments (again, I know I should be thankful I have a job, insurance and vacation time I can use for going to all these things and there are children in Africa starving). Then I think to myself man I wish I could be living a life, have a family, and not feel so incredibly alone in all of this cancer garbage. I never appreciated what I had in life until cancer turned it upside down....The Cliche' Hine sight is 20/20 is soooo true!!!

Knowing I need to get out of this funk, knowing I need to be positive, knowing I need to enjoy each day I KNOW.....My intelllect KNOWS, but my spirit and emotions do not follow along with what I KNOW!!

There is my major complaining, venting and all the things I am not doing right!!! I had to write it all down so thanks for reading or listening everyone.

[IrvineFriend]

I feel your pain. I know for my onc. nurse who went through cancer as well, her 1 inch hair was equivalent to being bald. She still wore a hat everyday. I would not have known she had hair had I not asked about it.

Stress is a major trigger in hot flashes and I know you hate your treatments and seeing your doctors, so I'm sure that alone is making them worse. My hot flashes about killed me, and still make me vomit (just did an hour ago) but they are reducing as the chemo is clearing my system.

I will email you the guided meditations to do. Sorry I haven't done that yet! I am going to be better about doing them myself. That 10-15 minutes of being in the present and clearing the mind was always very helpful for me.

That said, a little retail therapy can help. I allow myself a "present" when I finish a treatment. Anything to feel better, like a new blouse or dress, etc. Summer is coming and there are lots of great colors out now! If you're feeling well, a nice dinner out with a friend or a movie night. I think this is the time to be good to yourself and find those little things that bring some joy.

BTW, my effexor is 75mg. From what I've googled, seems to be the most effective dose for hot flashes.

[jra40]

Boy, you said everything that I felt and still feel at times. I really think there needs to be rehabilitation for breast cancer after treament. The mental aftermath can be so brutal and people who have not been through it just do not understand, even our doctors. They just expect us to go back to a normal life - what is that and how do you achieve that after a cancer diagnosis??!!

I am now over a year out from my last herceptin treatment, my hair has grown back, but I am still dealing with the mental aftermath. I still have phantom pains that make me paranoid that my cancer is back, and the hot flashes really wreak havoc on me too. My oncologst just prescribed me Effexor but I am too scared to take it. I am learning to live with the aftermath of it all and it's hard to keep positive. Some days are better and then there are the days were I am mad at the world. I think we are entitled to that with all we've been through!

I remember someone telling me I had a cute head with my wig off - really does not help at all!

Hang in there - it will get better :)

[Cat]

It sounds like I am older than you and was almost due for menopause so tho I had hot flashes they weren't as bad. I do understand the other feelings and you are very normal. I have often thought to myself I should take up acting, I'm getting pretty good at it now. And I too have a "great shaped head"! Or so I've been told. I also get "you have pretty eyes". I think because they are the only thing that haven't been affected. All that I can say is I too meditate and try not to feel guilty about me time. I also tend to connect with my feel good people and avoid the people that tend to make ne feel drained or bad. The time on herceptin went fast for me and then I felt lost without the regular visits for awhile and it seemed a little scary to let go. Everything you feel is normal whether anyone else is feeling it or not. Allow the tears, allow the anger and try to continue to count your blessings. So many have gone through this and come out the other side. Don't be afraid to ask about the effexor dose either. Do what feels right for you and stay connected here and/or with friends and family. Sending you hugs, Cathy

[Lien]

Hi Linn,

Whoever said you need to be Superwoman? Why on Earth should you be positive about anything? Cancer sucks! It scares the heck out of us, turns our lives upside down, makes us feel awful because of treatment side effects and did I say it sucks?

We are constantly fed fairytales by the media about a pink, glossy, frilly, positive sisterhood. Perhaps some of us feel that way, but I didn't. Especially after finishing treatment, I felt like the bottom fell out of my life. It took time, and friends, to get me back on track. Being able to vent here and on the Breastcancer Listserv helped a lot.

I am 9 years out from diagnosis and have managed to find that positive attitude somewhere along the way. It gets better. Believe me, this too shall pass. It is part of the whole cancer experience.

Please talk to your doc about adjusting your medicine if you feel that would help. Talk to people who "get it", join a live support group if that works for you. But never ever blame yourself for feeling the way you do. You did not ask for this cancer experience. It hit you out of the blue. You found yourself on a rollercoaster ride and you have to run the course. How could anyone expect you to feel good about that?

But like I said, it does get better. Just hang in there and get all the help you can get. You deserve it!

Hugs

Jacqueline

[BonnieR]

My mantra has always been "keep the faith". I know it is probably annoying and Pollyanna-ish. But really, what else do we have but the hope that things will be brighter down the road. And the assurance of others that it will happen. You are still in early days, not yet a year behind you. Perfectly entitled to be pissed off and mad as a wet hen( I love that term!). But it is sort of like carrying a resentment. Who does all that anger hurt? I'm glad you are unloading it here I hope you have a group or therapist you can vent to I just want to tell you that it is not going to always be this way. You will make peace with the situation as it levels off and life will be worth living. You won't be thinking of cancer every waking minute Even if you are not religious, try asking a higher power for relief. Just ask
And keep the faith

[Debbie L.]

Linn, reading your post I hear you alternate between saying the truth about what sucks, and then saying "but I should be, I want to be -- positive, grateful, wise, whatever".

So. I agree with Jacqueline. This time of the treatment continuum does have a lot of sucky parts. We hear you. Most of us nod our heads to some if not all of your frustrations, disappointments, impatiences, and angers. You've been thru a lot, you've experienced great losses. Try to be gentle and patient with yourself.

I think it's enough to expect that eventually you will work thru this and find some of the things you hope for, at least some of the time -- gratitude, peace, etc.

But right now, you're being awfully hard on yourself, as if you think that you should be magically turned into this new kind of person who has had her life seriously altered but (waving magic wand) -- poof -- has emerged triumphant. Well it just doesn't work that way (alas). Each person does it a little differently but no one does in "poof" fashion. There will be steps forward but also steps back. I remember that during this turbulent time, I coined the phrase "go with the torrent", because although I'd always loved the phrase "go with the flow", it just didn't capture what was happening with me well enough.

Sending lots of good thoughts, and hoping that you can find a way to work thru this, and be gentle with yourself.

Debbie Laxague

[europa]

We all have our moments. I am told by so many that I inspire them, and I may. But I know that behind my closed doors I have had some serious boohoo moments, moments of despair, sadness, anger and I even wanted to throw the towel in a couple of times and said "God, take me now". But those moments get further and further apart as you go through the journey. I had the help of a weekly therapy appointment. I don't know how anyone can go through this without therapy...honestly. I still see her to this day every two weeks because, yes, I still get moments. I think I always will. It's just part of the crap that is breast cancer.
Losing my hair was pretty harsh for me. I was known for my long thick red curly locks. I had a mane. But for me, it was all about living right now. I too sat and watched people go about their business and felt like my life was on hold. But you do not lose your membership of being a human being because you have cancer. The day that I stopped feeling this way was the day that a young healthy woman was killed in my area. She was younger than me and left behind twin boys that were not much older than my son. She didn't have cancer, she was totally healthy and just like that she was gone. So I made a decision that day to live fully until my day comes. I hope you can do the same.
The glorious thing about having cancer is that you are fully aware of your mortality and therefore live differently than those that are have never had cancer. You enjoy things and moments more than they do. I would trade living like this for anything. I love it. Everyday brings something to absorb.

[Jackie07]

Linn,

There - you said it! Good for you!

[linn65]

Europea, isn't it crazy to think, "God take me now" when we do treatment, but I have sure said that to myself! I vented and it feels good to be validated! Maybe I am not as crazy and hopeless as I think at times.....

This cancer is PMS times 10, but on this board I am not alone. #thankfulforthat.

I wish I was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and I could close my eyes, click my ruby red slippers and.........

[Pray]

Just today I went from 225mg of venlafaxine to 150. I went up to 225 for my hot flashes but was first started on it for depression. The depression is gone. (I think) It totally did a number on my hotflashes for many months and now their back. So I'm being weened off.

At my hospital there is a program called Caring and Sharing for breast cancer patients. They have a lot of all free programs for support, hair, makeup, radiation, chemotherapy, how to move on, how to cope, Girls night out for moms and daughters, how to shop, Stay fit you name it they have it! I pray you will find something similar. This web site is awesome! Still face to face and sharing stores, joy and tears, embraces everyone needs this. My friend you are in my prayers and your family.