Dating after cancer

[europa]

As many of you know, I have been attempting to get my mojo back. It has not exactly been easy and without major laziness on my part. Almost two years ago I was diagnosed at 37 years of age. I was in a not so great relationship which I ended in the middle of chemo (I don't recommend doing that). After I was done with treatment I felt like my femininity, my sexiness, my mojo disappeared. I couldn't even look at my self naked and even though my boobs had been touched by pretty much every member of the medical faculty in the city, I cringed at the idea of having anyone else see me naked and being touchy feely in a romantic way. Anyway, as some of you have read in my Queen of Side Effects post, my lack of libido lead to my little lady's early retirement. She literally closed her doors and she had to be forced out of retirement (which was quite painful I must add). So, what is a single 38 year old woman to do? Get back on the saddle says everyone. So I did. Or tried. I accepted a date from a very nice guy and went out for the first time in...get ready, 8 years. I haven't been on a first date in 8 bloody years!!! And it was obvious. It would of been tough enough if I was a normal woman that got out of a long relationship, but add cancer to that...forget it, I was a mess. I use to like to show my cleavage, not so much anymore. I use to be flirty...have no clue what that is anymore.
Anyway, the first date was lovely. But he asked me out AGAIN. Crap. I knew the second date would mean, God forbid, a kiss. Crap, crap, crap. I have not kissed a man like THAT in years. So yes, out of desperation I practiced on the back of my hand like a 12 year old. And after dinner he went for it and I braced myself and just kept repeating in my head: keep calm and carry on...keep calm and carry on. And what happened..I started giggling like a pre-teen. And all I could think was: you idiot, you are making a royal ass of yourself. Keep together.
But his hands grabbed my waist and I swear I almost passed out from my rigidity and shyness. Yes, he has asked me out AGAIN. Crap, crap, crap. Eventually, this may lead to...well, you know. The deed. Which will involve him touching my boobs (and not for medical purposes). Has anyone gone through this. Because honestly, I feel so non sexual. And I really like this guy, but I feel so damn awkward. And this is going to sound really weird, but I am praying that if we do end up doing The Deed. I really hope he has a very small manhood. Because I have heard from many ladies on this board that sex hurts if your on Tamoxifen. So please let this guy be small. And to think that over 8 years ago I would pray for the opposite. How times have changed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

But I am trying to get my mojo back...so it's a step in the right direction. Right?

[lasarles]

Europa, so glad to see you are stepping out. As you should, you need to enjoy life. That doesn't mean you need a man to do that but it sure does make life MORE enjoyable...in my opinion anyway. Have you shared your journey with this man? Please consider doing this prior to doing The Deed. If he cares enough about you he will be understand. I am on tamoxifen and yes it is sometimes painful but KY is my friend. Anyway, you did something right, he asked you out again :)

[europa]

Hi Lasarles. I did tell him about my bc on our second date. He was great about it. Didn't phase him at all. He asked questions and then he moved on to another topic. So, he knows and I think he would be patient with me. I just texted my infamous gyn and she said I needed to "open" things up down there. As she put it...clear out the dust and cobwebs. So she ordered me to go to a specialty store and get educated on lubes and perhaps by myself something to "open" things up down there. Ugh.

[BonnieR]

Europa, thank you for "opening up" a subject that we all can relate to. And in such an entertaining way! You are fortunate to have such a frank and helpful doctor too I am considerably older than you. Last time I saw my young gyn he said" I would hate to be your urethra!" He consulted with my onc and they agreed that a small use of topical estrogen cream would be okay to use
Keep us posted on your progress. And keep the faith!

[lasarles]

Sounds like a plan to me....then you'll be "primed" for it and he'll be "up" for it....pun definitely intended! :) And I want to hear all about it!

[IrvineFriend]

Europa,

I love when people can honestly share the realities of the unspoken side effects of this disease. First, congats on getting a 3rd date. I'm also "dating" and it's had it's up and downs. My then friend offered to my first experience post bi-lateral and it evolved from there. I still do the deed with a bra on. I just don't like the look until I've completed reconstruction. Secondly, I would give it a go "solo" and see where you're at. You have that rabbit so you have all the tools you need to see if you can actually bring some mojo back. Lastly, he may be more interested in YOU, and not your breasts or your labido. But he is a man and may very well want some affection. I personally would see if it's something that you could be intersted in. Hello rabbit!

I personally have not suffered a loss of labido despite being halfway through TCH. I do worry about it. But I'd also whip out the rabbit if I thought it would help.

I'm glad the little lady is willing to be open to a visitor (and came out of hiding!) and more importantly, you seem to like this guy. Maybe because of this you're forced to take things slower and get to know the person much better before doing the deed.

Good luck!!!!!

-Julie

[JennyB]

Europa, wow big changes well done you. A 3rd date that is amazing and I too would be terrified- the idea of dating is a very scary one after any time out and the 'deed' thing also is a biggy. Llet him know you're scared but open to it tell him the medical things maybe not about miss ladies retirement just yet but that tamoxifen changes feelings BUT you want to try, how you feel about him connections etc I in my limited experience reckon you have to make it less heavy when you explain how you feel. Early day relationships can be skitty things but believe me there not imposible.
My late Aunt met her husand after breast cancer - double mastectomy no reconstruction just before she discovered her bone mets. They were together for 8 years and had so much love and happiness. It is possible even after all we go through. You need to not write yourself off you are way too young to think a partner is not possible for you.
Good luck Europa
Jenny xx

[Jackie07]

Way to go!

Even married couples have a lot of adjustment to deal with after breast cancer treatment ... So we all can relate to your story. [And thanks for writing it in such a humorous way!]

My gynecologist gave me three different sizes of plastic 'sticks' and lubrication after I seeked for help. But that's like five years ago. And the situation went worse after I'd had prophylactic hysterectomy/oo in 2010. But there are still ways to enjoy life together ...

[europa]

Hi ladies and thank you for the messages and Leah for the call!!!
I have had some interesting days. My new romeo texts me every day sweet messages and I loving the attention. I have decided to wait until things get to that moment where we have the "talk" about sex. Because there are other things to consider here other than my little lady and libido. I remember with every other relationship I've been in(not many, I'm no hoochie), we always had the talk about safe sex..et al.
But until then I am going to do my bit and am putting my little lady in training for the big day. And I think I may just wax my legs...it's time to bring the sexy back and stop looking like an ogre. My gyn sent me a link to these Vaginal Dialators which she said have helped many women...so I'm sharing: http://ww2.pureromance.com/PUBLICSTORE/catalog/productinfo.aspx?id=290&cid=147&AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1

[LeahM]

Omg. A vaginal dilator ....omg....

[BonnieR]

Your GYN rocks!!!
Keep the faith

Hey, I just checked out the link. You can host parties!!!!

[Yorkiegirl]

I am so glad to hear that you are dating again. I can tell you that the Vaginal Dialators do an awesome job of helping with the stretching out of the lady area. My Onc actually recommed the same thing your GYN did.