I'm helplessly Drowning in a Sea of Pink

[Jen]

That pretty much sums up how I feel this month. I feel so helpless as I stand by and watch this disease literally kill my Mom who has fought so hard for so long. I ask myself WHY....why MY Mom? Mom always wondered if she would have been able to get Herceptin BEFORE she had a reoccurance things might have ended up differently. I read statuses of other members here who are stage4 some were diagnosed b4 my Mom and some are even NED and although I don't begrudge any of you your health part of me wonders why (you) and not my Mom because she is just as deserving. People tell me I need to pray to God for strength which I think is a bunch of melarchy as he couldn't even give my Mom the strength to beat this terrible disease.

[StephN]

Jen - Please don't lose faith. That is not how your mom has behaved during all the time I have known her on this board (7 or more years!).
She has been steadfast for others, even in their darkest hour. She has been steadfast for her family, and taken on huge responsibility for your grandparents, and your children.
Questioning is a real part of the grief process. Anger and other emotions are normal. No one has wished ill to Sheila.
The research is turning up more and more subtle, but very important, differences in our disease. HER2 has many subcategories now. I am a lucky one so far, and I do not know why my disease was treatable.

Listen to your mother as she is extremely wise. She knows how to handle and get through tough times; her love is pure and strong. Try to find that place.

Loving hugs to you, Jen.

[Mandamoo]

Oh Jen - I am so sorry you are going through this - it truly breaks my heat and I don't know if I can offer any wise words.

At times when I think "why me?" I now counter with "why not me?" there is no rhyme nor reason.

I'd like to say something about your Mum's strength through - wow, I wish to be so strong, to live with stage 4 disease for as long as she has, I understand how tired she must be, she has been going at this for such a long time. Only last week, I wondered if I could go on but I have three young children, one yet to start school and realised I just have to. To keep believing in miracles, to live now and not wonder about the what ifs.

This disease is indiscriminate. There are many of us now who get herceptin who still get Stage4 disease - we all want a cure, we all want a miracle. I too hate the Pink, the celebration of "moving on" when so many of us a "muddling through"

Jen, if praying helps, Pray. It is stillness that works for me, connecting with my own intuition, my inner strength. I know you will find a way through. Your Mum is so very much in our thoughts here and in mine. Rest may give your Mum the strength that she needs to keep going but if it is a time of transition for her, rest may give her some peace too.
Sending you a load of love.

[MikeF]

Jen
God does'nt do melarchy thats the devils specialty and you can bet if your doubting Gods wisdom thats the devil talking. Dont listen to him hes a loser. I know its hard to except sometimes but please know that whatever you or your mother go through in this life it doesnt catch God by surprise. He has a plan for all of us. Weve been praying for you guys hang in there.

[Jen]

I have prayed....it isn't working. I feel like God is punishing me by making my Mom suffer. I wish it were me instead of my Mom.

[Jean]

Dearest Jen,
I hear your anger and who can fault you? As Steph mentions anger is part of the process...just last week I posted about Brenda (another sister of ours who lost her brave and hard fight) with this beast. I was very angry also.

Your mother was one of the first women who reached out to me when I first joined the site. She was encouraging me to fight for herceptin/and chemo (along with Becky) after I had been told no by all 3 dr. in NY and 2 NJ ...She shared her story and her early dx. and it helped me to keep pushing hard as many were against herceptin back in 2005/06...I finally went to Dr. Slamon out in Calif as my last and final opinion. I also met your Mom in person finally out in SDBCS and she and I shopped for comfortable shoes as my feet was so sore from the chemo/herceptin. Why am I telling you this you may wonder...I wanted to share with you that I am angry also to hear that your Mom has fought so hard and is not rebounding back. It is so hard to accept but you do know how special and so very strong your Mother is and always was. I was just amazed at her strength and humor. Her love of you,your daughter and the rest of the family. Who can fault you for your anger today.
Your Mom has been so very strong for so very long.
I am still keeping her in my prayers and yes I am praying for a miracle.....please know my heart aches for you and your family.

Kindest Regards,
Jean

[chrisy]

Jen,
My heart breaks that you are in such pain. Words can't begin to make any of this right, or fair. Your moms strength and passion for life, and her love and support have made such a huge difference to so many people as you witness here in the outpouring of emotion from those here whether we met in person or not.

Many prayers are circling the world for you mom as well as for you. Try to rest in that, and know that God is big enough to handle your anger. However you feel is ok.

Much love
Chris

[Mtngrl]

Dear Jen,

I'm so sorry. As others have said, you have every right to be angry. It isn't fair. Cancer sucks. This is really, really hard to take.

I don't think God punishes people. I don't think cancer is a punishment for anything. It's wily. It's persistent. It's relentless. But it really doesn't know what it's doing. Some cells want to be immortal. They're like Icarus flying too close to the sun. They just don't realize their "success" means failure for their host.

I wish I could hug you and your mom and say "there, there." I know what you mean about wishing it were you instead of her. That's how you know you really love her. You care more about her well being than your own.

It's terrible to be helpless and powerless. It's terrible to feel abandoned by God. But just as I don't believe God punishes people, I don't think God ever leaves us to our own devices. As Paul said, nothing can separate us from the love of God. Nothing.

I wish I could make it all better for you, and for your mom.

[nsebesta]

Dear Jen, I understand your anguish all to well. I lost my mother on Christmas day 2008 and then my 19 year old son 6 mos later. I've been stage 4 since April 2004 and wondered why God would take my son and not me. The most comforting words offered to me so far were that "that was his journey God had for him - not yours". God does have a plan for all of us- trust Him. Try not to be angry at Him...you will need Him to get through this. This is your mothers journey...she was a God send to me so many times. My heart goes out to you. I will pray for you and your family.

[Laurel]

Jen,

What you are feeling is completely just. Damn it all, YOUR mother is an exceptionally amazing and good person. Why exactly!

The answer is that I do not know why. Your mother is so loved here. How can we lose her? Knowing your tough mom, maybe we won't! Regardless, God has a plan and truthfully heaven will rejoice when (and if) you mother arrives soon. Death is an absolute, whether sooner or later it comes to us all. This is a law of the universe that is unchangeable. For the person who passes into the next life it is not at all terrible, but rather lovely and so beautiful. It is us here on this earth who face the terrible consequence of their loss. A void in our lives is created and no one fills it as they did.

I can offer nothing to ease your pain, except to say that sometimes the anticipation of the forthcoming event is worse than the actual event. When your mother suffers no more you will find your peace. Life will go on as your mom would expect and want. Bless you for your honesty and courage. Helping someone pass to their next existence is tough, but you can do it. How do I know? You are made of tough stuff like your mom.

[SoCalGal]

Dear Jen,
So sorry you are going through so many emotions and thoughts at once...the only thing that has ever given me comfort was the realization that for some people in our lives, (parents, spouses, children) it would never be a good time to say good-bye. Even if my mom had lived to be 100, I would not have wanted to let her go. She passed at 57 (18 years ago) and it took me many years to realize that she lived inside of me and her grandkids. There are no words to ease your pain, you know that your mom is an inspiration to all, and because of her strength it's even harder (I imagine) to let go. Keep breathing and keep writing. We are all here for you.

[ammebarb]

I'm so sorry, Jen. Sending a gentle hug.

Barb A.

[JillaryJill]

You mom is suffering and daughters need their mothers. Breast cancer is terrible...and the pink stuff all over the place makes me nuts too. I sent an envelope to you with a letter...I hope you recieved it. It is a special prayer that I feel reveals your Mom's character ...even though I just chatted to her a couple of times here on the board.
Jen, go ahead and be mad at whomever you want to right now...your entitled.

[Jen]

Thank you Jill for your letter and special prayer and thank you to everyone who has reached out to me at this difficult time I very much appreciate it.

[Pray]

Hi Jen, I remember hating the PINK also. When I first saw my surg. onc. He gave me a small gray box with a pretty pink ribbon on it and I thought how sweet. I was feeling a slight better when I got into the car and opened it and it was a dainty silver bracelet of hearts and Pink bows I through it across the van and yelled who the heck wants that. I was so up set. Then I started to get a flood of pink the more people knew. Scarfs, blankets, t-shirts, necklaces, mugs, anything you could imagine with a pink bow on it. I thought why would anyone want to be the next poster girl for breast cancer? I struggled for a long time until I met your mother (Sheila, What a God send to me!). At the time your Mom was suffering with her radiation txs and I actually thought hmm, I could help her and I started pm her and chatted many times. She said she would like to try the vigilon gel pads I had and so I sent them to her. She sent a return package to me and the first thing I pulled out was a big black bumper sticker which said in large PINK letters was CANCER SUCKS! I started to laugh and cry out loud and I started to get it, That is what I wanted, everyone to know that CANCER SUCKS. The whole time it felt like I was getting gifts for something so awful I wanted them to where it! The truth is that dreaded pink is utimatlly saving lives. its not just one company but a great many. A woman in our city used that pink ribbon to get donations for her treatment she couldn't afford and it saved her life. That sea of pink really shows just how big this awful deseas is. Needless to say I thought I was the one that thought she was helping some one, It was really your mom who helped me! After that I was able to focus on more important things God, life, my husband family kids, helping others on this site. Hope and prayers spring eternal. Peace Jen.

Your friend,

Nancy

[Jen]

Thank you for sharing that story with me Nancy Mom has been always been there for others no matter what she was going through. Cancer does SUCK.