THIS IS MY NOW time...!!!!!!!!!!

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

THIS IS MY NOW time. I am not living on borrowed time. Against all odds, defying the statistics and the thoughts and images in my head -- I am still here.

How? With: The help of my wise and wonderful docs and nurses. Surgery. Chemo. Herceptin. Many supplements taken faithfully and daily since '98. Talking directly to my body and instructing it to specifically, "HEAL! STAY HEALTHY AND WELL. Making my INTENTION and my EXPECTATION clear to both my body and the Universe. Looking up, smiling and saying, THANK YOU FOR MY LIFE, with every single day, several times a day! Using daily meditation and vivid guided imagery (seeing myself far, far into the future, surrounded by the love of family and friends and envisioning myself glowing with joy and serenity). Consciously guided by my Spirit and supported by the Universe itself (in response to the energy I purposely emit throughout each day)...!!!!!!!!

Yes, each is a part of my complex recipe for surviving and thriving.

You can read my story below. Despite 4th stage initially and again 3 years later, despite the necessary losses that came with getting to where I find myself -- I managed to alter what certainly felt like predetermination.

AFTER 10 YEARS OF HERCEPTIN, I HAVE BEEN OFF OF HERCEPTIN SINCE JULY OF '08. I just had comprehensive blood work done and chest/abdomen/pelvic CT scans. I AM STABLE. STILL STABLE. NED. No evidence of disease.

I feel grand. Blessed. So blissful about the path the horrid diagnosis took me on. To a long stirring spirituality I can now affirm with all my heart. I found the most important part of who I truly am.

I AM A SOUL. WITH A MIND AND A BODY. Full of love, compassion, awe, gratitude, forgiveness and almost unwavering positivity. I have my moments. I am human after all. But still, I KNOW that every one of us is connected. A radiant and sacred Spirit, full of eons of wisdom we need to find a way to -- remember.

Once we stop listening to the voice in our heads and begin aligning ourselves with our Inner Voice -- we find grace and ebullience and peace.

This is what I wish you all, my Sisters. I thank each of your loving caregivers for all they do. They keep us buoyed and afloat.

Love and Light, Healing and Wellness,

Andi http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/smi/2b00001c91/06

[Shobha]

Great to hear from you and with such a wonderful uplifting post! Wishing you continued success - it does bring hope to all of us.

[KristinSchwick]

Andi- that is soooooo wonderful to hear from you- someone who has done so well. How is your quality of life now? Any pain?
Thanks for sharing!

[Pmoore]

Hoping to get there one day,you are an inspiration!

[Mandamoo]

Thank you Andi - I love your inspiring posts. It could happen for any of us. While I do wish I never had this disease I am grateful for what I am learninag about me, for learning to find my truth, my real soul. For that I am grateful.
Xxx

[ElaineM]

Very beautifully said and written. You are right.
Good medical treatment and advances in medical science are important, but surviving and thriving involves alot more than medical science, doctors, nurses, chemo, radiation and surgery.
It takes compassion and prayers from those around us.
It involves what we eat, do and think.
Having a positive, assertive attitude helps.
It involves spirituality and a connection to something greater than ourselves.
It involves a sense of thankfulness for life on earth.
Keep doing what you have been doing, because it is certainly working. I am so happy for you.

[Redwolf8812]

Thanks, Andi. You are so inspiring! God is good!

- Penny

[Mary Anne in TX]

Hi Andi girl! So good to hear your soaring spirit! ma

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

This thread is absolutely written to be inspiring. Not to brag. I appreciate all your comments more than you can know.

Yes, I have pain. In my arm, where in 1995 they removed 21 lymph nodes. That was how it was done back then. Felt like a turniquet was tied way too tightly around my arm, above the elbow. I used to swing my arm like a pendulum forward and backward to revive the blood circulation. I mean even in public, in a line, when I became particularly aware of that familiar pain. It got better. Took what I recall as a really really long time.

Now all day I am fine. When I lie down, propped on a multitude of pillows to watch TV and relax, that pain returns. I have a bolster I put my arm up on and wait for it to subside a bit. If I get up, it goes away. But I want to lie down.

I still have the IBS that came with the chemo. It is far better than it was, I'll give you that. And I've learned my many trigger foods and seriously steer clear of them. I am aware of where the nearest bathroom is at all times. I take zoloft for a number of reasons. Sanity being one. Also to counter the fear factor that comes with IBS. Accidents at home make my entire body quaver. I can't even let my mind...

I still have a small pericardial effusion that came with the Taxotere, which helped save my life as it left me barely able to lift my feet (I shuffled) and tripped a lot. I walked on all fours going up stairs. I could barely speak. Which is essential to my well-being. Chatterbox that I am. I whispered. It takes so much energy to talk I learned! But now I walk gingerly and feel no pain (even where I broke my right ankle in '01, in a pothole in NY) that required surgery as it was broken in several places. I had torn ligaments and tendons and was not allowed to bear weight on that foot for 3 months. Then came the rehab. The plate and pins and screws remain but I have no pain and no impairment. I soldiered through the rehab (which seriously hurt like he**), determined not only to walk without a limp but wear at the very least low heels.

The pleural effusion (fluid around my lungs) that came with the Taxotere slowly disappeared after ending that chemo.

The severely dry eyes that kept me clutching a tissue at all times, with tears dripping all day and people responding to me with extreme caring as they thought I was crying -- that remains but is far better. No more tissues required. Just Bausch & Lomb's Soothe drops at night, throughout the night.

Within my supplements are things that give me energy. And if I fail to take one -- I feel it! I take supplements for memory, which at age 67 is needed regardless of the chemo brain. And what I take really helps. I take supplements for the IBS. And they really help. I take supplements to keep my heart strong. And my cardiologist says I am good, as per my ECHOs to check on my effusion.

I take supplements to boost my immune system, to fight free radicals, to detox, blah, blah blah. I really believe in all of them.

Neuropathy from Taxotere is gone. Deep muscle pain is gone.

Tram flap reconstruction is good. As I've read, symmetry is highly over-rated. I am glad I can look normal. Well -- in clothing. With a bra. Otherwise I look a bit like I've been hacked, but you know, all my scars are badges of courage to me. Not reminders of the dysfunction that nearly killed me. Could the stomach cramping be from that? (I wasn't a candidate for implants. Too large a tumor. Couldn't save the skin.)

I never feel like a victim. I always felt lucky. My husband would ask dismayed, How can you say that?! Chrisopher Reeve fell off a horse the month before I was diagnosed. He was paralyzed and needed help breathing! I have always been able to walk and talk, feed and bathe myself. These were especially cherished gifts I sorely became aware of as I dealt with my Mother's 24/7 homecare when she developed Alzheimers. After 3 years, I had to put her in a nursing home, as one nurse couldn't lift her from the wheelchair to the bed. Ambulettes were needed for each doctor visit.

Yes, I feel lucky. Blessed. And genuinely grateful.

I pray that each of you meets NED, and comes through this journey smiling, despite it all.

Much love, as always,

Andi

[KDR]

Andi
When I spoke to you the other day, I willed that you would post...wishes do come true.
I LOVE YOU!
Karen

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I know you know -- the power of the energy of our thoughts is mighty. It colludes with the Universe to bring about our desires...

I LOVE YOU BACK...

Andi

[chrisy]

ABB - so glad to see your post and hear you are doing well. In fact, I have also been willing you to post - so you see, you didn't have a chance with Karen AND me on the case!

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I think about you so often, Chrisy. Big heart, radiant Spirit, beyond fun and funny. Always think of you with love. Always with wishes for your wellness.

I see, you too were sending out energy! I was MOVED to post... Hmmm...

I saw my onc today. In our discussion, he let the word slip. I was touting my supplements, as I handed him my longgggggg list. He said, Don't you think the chemo had something to do with your cure???

I immediately said, And my docs and nurses!!! I always give you credit! Which I do.

It was Paul (my DH) who pointed out, Did you use the C word?!

I stopped talking. A feat in and of itself. No one ever dared to use that word with me. With cancer. But I've known this marvelous man since '95. He let it slip.

Call it what you will. I am living in the suburbs of cancerland and elated. Free. This is my Now.

This can happen to everyone of YOU, my Sisters. Love you all...

Andi

[Sheila]

ANDI BB...so glad to,see your post....like a dear
friend stopped by for a visit.....so happy to know you are doing well...you are never far from my thoughts.....wish you would connect more often...always learn from your posts, and leave feeling so much more positive....you have that effect you know! Still waiting for your book.....and happyntomhear from you !!!

[dawny]

Thanks for posting Andi, you are so an inspiration to all of us!
Dawn

[KsGal]

Thank you so much for posting that. Reading posts like yours are what keeps me going when I feel down.

[fauxgypsy]

Andi, I haven't been here for a while. I logged on and there you were. All happy. Good to here from you!

[caya]

Thanks for checking in Andi - your post brings much joy and hope to all of us!

So glad you continue to do well.

all the best
caya

[Ceesun]

Andi, Count me in as one of those who is thrilled to hear from you as well. I feel a little bit like The Little Engine That Could when I read your posts...what a nice boost after my afternoon of Herceptin....aka Vitamin H! Although I still live in Michigan, I am an official Florida resident now!!! Just might find you one day! Ceesun

[Mel3]

I always love reading your posts, thank you for sharing!

[michka]

Dear Andy BB, I am so happy you posted and that you are well. I remember at the beginning of my journey when I was down and suffering, I would read your posts to give me courage and stop having negative thoughts. Just when I needed sun again your post arrived! take care Andy, we love you Michka

[Ellie F]

Oh Andy it is just so lovely that your hope and inspiration reach across the pond.You epitomise the saying that if one person can beat this disease so can others.
I wish you continued happiness.

Hugs
Ellie

[Pray]

Priceless!

[Joan M]

Andi, Great to hear that you continue to do well. You are an inspiration to all of us!! Joan

[sarah]

Great Andi, what a wonderful post, totally inspiring. so happy for you.
hugs and love
sarah

[suzan w]

Andi! Great to hear from you...I am not on the boards much these days as I am traveling a lot without much internet. It was so good to read your post and know that you are still doing well and feisty too!!! Keep it up!!! XOX Suzan

[lkc Gumby]

Hi Andi,
Unbeleivably I was just wandering how you were doing. I have been following your inspiring posts since I received my " poor Prognosis" in 2005. Your posts helped me tremendously in those early days. Its' now 7 plus yrs later. I am well and living large, totally in the present and thankful everysecond of ever day. A much belated thank you dear girl for being the rock of inspiration and strength to me when I needed it the most.
blessings to you!

[tricia keegan]

Andi I too love reading your posts and I'm so happy for you that you're doing so well and delighted to share your joy:)

[Vicky]

Andi, I absolutely feel the energy and light pouring out of your words. Its wonderful to both read, but also truly absorb the peace and sense of calm they bring me! Thank you for taking the time to post and encourage us all!

I usually get an odd look when I say I am lucky too- and I mean it in the way you do- I still function well and mostly I feel well and that is not to be taken lightly. Blessings to you!

[Sandra in GA]

Many thanks for your inspirational words and thoughts, Andi.

[CoolBreeze]

I LOVE LOVE LOVE amazing stories like yours! You are an inspiration to people like me, who have had mets for one year only. It's been a rough road and I can only imagine what you've been through but I want to be like you someday! :)

[dawn]

Thank you so much for your post. It is just what I needed at a very trying time. I have just lost a very dear friend from BCO boards this past week and it has sent me into a spin. Things have a funny way of working. It's been awhile since I've checked with this board and tonight the first thing I saw was your post. Just reading it I could feel myself being uplifted again. I begin my 3rd cycle of cisplatin and gemzar this week and was feeling very down about it and if I would get stable or ned with my scans in 2 weeks. Thank you so much for your post. I think it may have been the boost I needed to become positive again.

dawn

[sassy]

Thanks for lifting all our spirits, Andi! What inspiration!

[karen z]

thanks for your inspirational post.
you brightened our lives.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

IMPORTANT THOUGHTS TO SHARE. I so want to offer inspiration to those struggling. I always felt during my toughest years on chemo, dealing with the angst that comes with the journey, that I was on a path. That I saw the end result -- my living and surviving it all -- and I just had to do what I had to do to get there.

I used the power of my thoughts. They are energy. They are sensed, and responded to, by others, by our bodies and by the Universe!!!

That is about the hugest Life Lesson I discovered.

Our bodies hear EVERYTHING we think, say or whisper. And they respond accordingly. They have no sense of humor, so thoughts like -- This is killing me -- are verboten. We need to troll our thoughts consistently, as we sometimes mindlessly mentally babble, you know? So we must take charge and consciously realize what we are focusing our minds on. It's so important.

WHAT WE THINK E X P A N D S. The power of the energy of thoughts is mighty. Once we fully realize that, we become unbelievably EMPOWERED. Able to control our destiny. Blessed to become the Captain of our Soul, the Master of our Fate!

It is hard, once diagnosed with cancer, not to think all day, Oh, my God! I have cancer. I could die. To be realistic, I have to face that. BUT -- WE NEED TO GET A HOLD OF OURSELVES. SHAKE OURSELVES. Understand that those kind of thoughts are -- dangerous to our healthy and well-being.

I learned, almost immediately, to live AS IF. I K N E W that I would live! My Spirit told me this on the day before my mastectomy. After a week of mammogram, sonogram, breast surgeon, oncologists, tests of every previously unknown kind checking my body from my toes to the tip of my head, pre-op tests (including stress tests, EKG, MUGA, blood blood and more blood) and my head racing in every direction -- I K N E W not to call the funeral home just yet. I had a smile on my face, blood pressure 120 over 80. I felt joyful and serene. KNOWING I would have to navigate rough waters but in the end -- the heroine lives...

I K N E W I wanted to live. And I K N E W THAT I FULLY INTENDED to live. I didn't know yet that our clear Intentions and our EXPECTATIONS are key to success. Now I include them in my thoughts, and mantras, daily. HEALTHY AND WELL. When I have an issue -- I instruct my body to HEAL. We have the power to heal ourselves. Honest, we do.

If you listen to Olympic stars or anyone who has just accomplished something astounding there is a common thread. They all say -- I K N E W I was going to... And if you listen to those who fail, they too commonly say -- I just K N E W that I wouldn't...

So when I say -- KNOW that you are going to achieve your goals, Own it and make it real -- there's a whole lot of positive passionate energy in KNOWING a thing!!! Don't ever forget that... Hold on to it. Tight.

I envision myself far, far, far into the future. At graduations and such. Specifically. In vivid detail. That too sends a message, to my body, and to the Universe. Both respond -- in kind.

So make absolutely certain that your thoughts, what you concentrate on all day, isn't merely reasonable (reflecting statistics, past experience, seeing others lose their battles and feeling crushed by that). The thinking of others can doom you once you take it on as your own. YOU have the power to compose the dialogue that will play out in your head!! KNOW it is being heard by your body and by the Universe itself. And, that it will be responded to IN KIND. Claim your chosen dream!


Stop being reasonable.


Reach for the previously thought unimaginable.


Yes, you will falter. Get back up anyway.



Yes, you can do it! See it, feel it, own it.


Make it real!


Listen to your Inner Voice.


It is your Spirit, your sacred Soul, guiding you.



Remember -- when you are passionate,


life is electrifying.


So adamantly refuse to renounce


your battle for your dreams.


Stay in The Now, full of love, giving and gratitude.



You must vow not to let


the noise of others’ thinking doom you.


KNOW a thing with all your heart and let it be.


Burst forward with focused fire;


Create impossibilities…


With Grace and Love and thoughts of so many
of you on this site, as always, Andi

[StephN]

Dear Andi of Rarified Womanhood -

Yes, I have also heard the oncologists start to use the "other C word" for us long time remission types. Two years ago at the San Antonio Breast Cancer Symposium, those words were said out loud and the doctors who know the likes of us are in the process of gleaning info to share with each other as to our paths to this point. (Up to the point HIPA allows.)

I had a very interesting chat with a Senior Staff Scientist at Genentech who wants to know more about those of us who had many years of Herceptin, went off it and have remained NED. I told him there are several of us who share this previously unbelieved path.

At five years out, they were mildly interested and now some of us are at 10 years, off our precious Vitamin H, and this has them really curious.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Takes a lot to get their attention it seems. Even when I was on Vit H and NED I thought they should be studying the likes of us "rarified Women"! And now...

I also believe that those who benefited from being in a position to get Herceptin (and respond well to it) from the getgo are doing outstandingly well.

Others must find their personal magic bullet, and that is to me the hardest of roads. I applaud those Warrior Women who I have been from this site, and in chemo rooms from NY to Fl, who forge on with astounding Grace and Courage!

Please read my IMPORTANT THOUGHTS TO SHARE post (above, post #35 in this thread) , my Sisters, if you haven't already. I honestly believe there's some hard-found pith in there. I had to really dig to discover some of that insight.

Wisdom and answers aren't always a mathematical formula based on logic. Einstein said something about the most amazing truths being unproveable and unseen. (I know I botched your quote, Albert, but I believe I got to the heart of the matter to make the point...)
Andi

[ElaineM]

You are absolutely right Andrea !!

[tricia keegan]

Andi I wish your posts or some of them could be here as a sticky to refer to when ever I feel I need a little uplifting, which you always manage to do!:)

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

ELAINE -- SAW YOU'RE LUCKY 13 NOTE AND CLICKED AND FOUND THIS --FROM 2010! Your post is below...

I AM LUCKY #13...! When I recurred in '98 throughout my liver, my positive attitude faltered. Big time. I read that less than 15% survived what I had. They (my oncs) didn't expect me to live the year.

Then my friend said, Come on, you've done this before, you'll do it again. I told her about the less than 15%. I was horrified. She said, FINE, MY LUCKY # IS 13. AND I'M GIVING IT TO YOU! YOU'RE #13!! That's it, she insisted. Done. 15 will survive. You're #13. She had a rhinestone pin made up for me that says --#13.

I have it by my sink. In my face. From the moment she spoke those words the #13 kept popping up in my life. The very next morning my injection materials for a really really low white blood cell count arrived at my door. The driver said, Just sign here. I'd forgotten my glasses. I looked at the blur before me and asked, Where do I sign. RIGHT HERE HE SAID. YOU'RE #13.

At the bakery, I got my ticket as I stood on line. I was #13. And on and on, to this day. My husband put it on his license plate. His initials followed by 13.

It's official, I thought. Every time I saw a 13, I K N E W that the Universe had my back!

And here we both are, Elaine! God bless.

The next August (after re dx) my 2nd grandchild was born. ON THE 13th of Aug! (My dghtr called upset, she was in labor, I was going to witness the birth as I had with the 1st. I'm on my way, I said. NO, she squealed, I can't give birth today! It's Friday the 13th. YES, I told her, 13 is lucky -- remember. Oh right! And soon I saw my first grandson somersault out into this world with his flaming red hair! Awesome...

MUCH LOVE,
ANDI

ElaineM (http://her2support.org/vbulletin/member.php?u=821)
Senior Member

http://her2support.org/vbulletin/customavatars/avatar821_1.gif (http://her2support.org/vbulletin/member.php?u=821)

Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 2,951


12 years and still counting
Happy New Year !! Hauoli Makahiki Hou !!
I couldn't let this occassion pass without wishing all of you peace, good health and joy in 2011 and beyond.
I was diagnosed in early January, 1999. A doctor told me I had 6 months to live at the beginning of 2000. I remember that day. I did not say anything. I just laid on his exam table quietly, but in my heart and mind I decided that was not going to happen to me !!!!!!!!
I didn't know how I was going to accomplish that task that day, but I figured it out as I went along. I learned as much as I could, was not afraid to challenge doctors when it was appropriate to do so and found ways to get the things I needed. This journey has not always been easy, but I kept going even though I changed the route a couple of times.
I changed doctors when I needed to do that. On the other side of the coin I am still working with one or two doctors I first saw in 1999. Thankfully they are willing to travel with me through this journey.
I am still learning and putting one foot in front of the other. I promised my doctors I will be showing up for check ups when I am 90. That is my goal.
Never give up !!!!!!! Determination, believing in the possibility of success, learning as much as we can, refusing to give up, and being proactive and aggressive are the keys to long term survival.
All the best to each and everyone of you !!!!!!!!!! Never give up !!!!!!!!!!!
__________________
Peace,
ElaineM
12 years and counting
http://her2support.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=48247 (http://her2support.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=48247)
Lucky 13 !! I hope so !!!!!!
http://her2support.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=52807
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." author unknown
Shared by a multiple myeloma survivor.

[Bunty]

Andi - you have amazing energy, and your faith and hope are what I strive for as well. I fully believe in counting our blessings. Thanks so much for posting.
Cheers Marie

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Many cut and paste and print out, I am told. They put my words that touched them especially on their nightstand. And keep going back and rereading. This brings joy to my heart. The very idea.

We are all here to help one another. To love. Share our experience. And our ideas... We are all connected. We each carry messages for one another. You for me, me for you.

So now -- I talk to strangers. And the most amazing conversations are revealed. Some make my day!!!

Have a happy JULY. A whole month of happy...

ANDI

[KDR]

That's me, that's me! Last week I had your colorful typeface scattered all around my room! I JUST KNEW...BELIEVE...etc. But I'm glad you are posting again because there is a great radiance and power in your photograph, faced lined with flowers.
Love love love
Karen

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

July 24th marks my Satori Day. 4 years off of Herceptin -- and stable. NED. That is the date of my last Vitamin H infusion. After 10 years of dutifully going regularly to the chemo room. Keeping a vigil.

The first few years I went weekly. A study had been done in France finding that giving triple the dosage every 3 weeks was as effective. My fav onc told me this. My Inner Voice piped in. Wait 1 year. To be safe. My husband was totally on board. We will go every week, wait a year, then graduate to every 3 weeks -- if everyone is still alive.

So now I am free. Living on the outskirts of cancerland. Still connected to my Sisters, bonded for eternity.

Praying for you to join me in this new neighborhood. I tell myself, HEALTHY AND WELL, NO MORE CANCER every single day. Still. Several times a day.

I want my body to hear my explicit instructions. And I want the Universe to take note as well. The power of our thoughts is awesomely mighty. Never forget that, Ladies. I love you all...

Andi
PS -- I had a moment of clarity, a stunning instance of Enlightenment the day before my mastectomy, that totally altered my existence. It enriched my life in remarkable ways and will remain with me forever. It granted me joy and serenity even midst the turmoil my body and mind were experiencing. I KNEW I would survive. My Inner Voice assured me of that on July 13, 1995 at around 4 o'clock in the afternoon of a most glorious and sun-filled day...