Recipe for disaster??

[bejuce]

Hi HER-2ers,

I'm sitting here in my work cube all day and wondering whether my lifestyle needs to be completely changed. I've been working way too hard, and don't have any time for myself. This whole month has been a continuous fire drill at work and I've had to cut my exercise and sleep time, in addition to eating more sugar as a result of the endless supply of candy in a bowl nearby.

Yesterday marked one year since I started at my new job, and while it has done wonders for my emotional and mental recovery (in addition to boosting my self-esteem and making me feel more normal), I'm starting to think that working like this won't do me any good long term and health-wise.

I wake up at 6:30 every day to get the kids ready for school, go to work and sit all day, getting up only to go to the bathroom, go to meetings, or grab lunch (mostly eaten at my desk), leaving at around 5-6 to go to my kids' soccer practices, gymnastics, etc., make dinner, clean the house, put the kids to bed, and sometimes work late on my computer, all to start over the next day.

I thought that after cancer I should be focusing on what's really important and smelling the roses, but rather I'm back to being a worker bee. Does anyone feel trapped by work? What do you do to make your daily life more manageable?

I know I shouldn't be complaining as I know there are others out there battling for their lives. I should be grateful that I'm being given the opportunity to continue my life as normal. I'm just very burned out with this past month and need a break. Maybe I'll take a day or two off next week.

I wish I could quit work all together, but unfortunately we're not there yet financially. Any suggestions on how to make my cube slavery existence more manageable and less negative affecting on my health?

I'm mad that this month I could only make it to one spinning workout a week. I think I'll stop whining and being afraid of the road and start biking to work...

Sorry for the rant, just feeling very overworked right now...

[Laurel]

Marcia,

I can totally relate and wish I had some sage advise or suggestion for coping, but I am in the same boat. I call it "gerbil syndrome." We get on that little wheel in life and run, run, run, run until we drop. I will be waiting and watching to see what others suggest, or if we are all in the same boat!

[BonnieR]

You mentioned a few solutions already. Maybe a few days off work. Make spinning class a priority, no matter what. Bike to work (sounds COLD! Wear a helmet too!). But you really are talking about quality of life. I know what you are saying about "smelling the roses" and I felt that way when first diagnosed. It was pretty easy to see things with new eyes. Now a few years have passed. I dont have all the responsibilties that you do, still, I fail to have meaningful, rose smelling days! I think real life creeps back in eventually. And that is a good thing in it's way. Cancer is not the star anymore.
At the same time, we dont want to take life for granted. Nor have regrets about things we missed or failed to do. There are days when I wish I could remember better how I felt right after I was diagnosed. Everything superficial fell away. And I did not care about petty things or petty people.
I have a suggestion. I am reading a book by a young woman and mother. "The Happiness Project". It looks at how we can improve our day to day in order to feel happy and fullfilled. Maybe you can relate to it. And it is fun to read.
You have raised an important issue and I am sure it will resonate with others here.
Keep the faith.

[snolan]

My husband and I ditched the gym during my treatments and started doing the P90X workouts at home, he also purchased the "rack" workout, loves both of them. We get up before the kids do and workout for an hour then start our day. We also take time out on the weekends to do our biking and trade off one night during the week to bike with a friend. It helps that we can work together to achieve this schedule as we are both workout freaks. Once I finished treatment I started going back to the gym with a friend 3x wk. My husband still works out at home. Having a friend to workout with keeps me from cancelling. I think that is what has helped me out the most, we used to do spin class together but I changed jobs and the class was not accessable from where I worked.
Getting co-workers to join in on lunch ideas that are healthy can set a tone for work related meals. Be the one that sets out almonds in a bowl for snacks so you can bypass the candy.
It definetly takes an effort to fight the habits that work and a busy life can place on us. Hope you can find that inner workout peace again.
Suzanne

[Mary Jo]

What a great post and one that I'm sure many of us can relate too. I, thankfully, work only 20 hours a week and have much calm in my life...however, that being said, calm vs. stress is something many cancer survivors wonder about. We also beat ourselves up over minimal or lack of exercise.....eating too much of whatever "bad" food is bad.....carrying excess weight....and the list goes on and on.

Let me reassure you. As a 6 year survivor, I, too, went through many of these phases. I tried (of course always failing at one point) doing everything perfectly. Eat no sugar.....take all the right supplements (whatever the heck they are)......lose the etxra poundage.....exercise religiously.....and on and on it goes.

Failing at all of these at one point, I can still say I am a 6 year NED survivor. Why? I don't know. Why do those that do all the right things recur? I don't know that either.

I know some would argue that using the phrase "it's a crap shoot" isn't true. I disagree. Now, that being said, do I think that we should "abuse" our bodies? NO! We should make a conscious effort each day to take care of ourselves the best we can each day. It's just overall good common sense...good for our health overall and good for our heart. Not to mention, we've already had cancer, we surely don't need to abuse these bodies we fought (or our fighting) to make healthy or healthier. Should we be stressed to the max? No! Of course, quiet time....relaxing and minimizing stress is just good for us. How we deal with stress is important too. If you enjoy your job and it's making a difference in your emotional place since cancer, then I think you should continue to do it. As you stated, there are ways you can try to aid in the stress relief and exercise dilema.

This is our life. As imperfect as anyone elses. We cannot control whether we live or die, because we are all going to die. We can control how we live these lives God has given us. We can control the quality of our lives by choices we make while we are here.

For me personally, when I reached the place of accepting what I'd been through, accepting that I had no control of whether or not "it" came back and accepting my imperfect self and just doing the best I could, it was then my stress level went way down. I've learned (and am always learning) to live in the moment. To "stop and smell the roses," as you stated, wherever those "roses" were. Keeping my attitude fixed on letting God's love shine all around me and being a person who tries to make a difference in what's going on around me....whether at work or at home.

I hope this helps somewhat in allowing you to put all of "it" into perspective. I hope you are successful in eliminating some of the stress in your life or at least learning how to bring some balance for you.

God's Peace I pray for you,

Mary Jo

[Becky]

Is there a safe place to walk around your office building - looping around the building a time or two - just for 15 minutes or so. A mental break for you and then eat at your desk. Maybe an office friend can join you and you can at least complain together.

I don't have little kids anymore (25, 22 and 20) but I remember those days of doing exactly what you're doing and its nuts but necessary. And I didn't have cancer until they were 18, 15 and 13! When my kids were littler, I limited how many activities they did - one sport each for example. I wouldn't allow music, sports, dance etc. And the kids really don't want to be ultra busy either. Also, I cooked alot on the weekend. A double meal of 2 things Saturday and Sunday - then I had things to heat up when they had games etc. It doesn't take that much extra effort to make a double meatloaf and a big pot of soup on a Saturday or Sunday. There are also sites online where they give you ideas of making a huge chicken or 2 chickens and the first night you have roasted chicken and the second night you have chicken tacos etc. It takes little preplanning but you get the hang of it as the weeks go by. Can't help the working - OMG, I can never keep up - it just keeps coming and coming and coming but I am like you and need to work. At least I like it. So, don't let your kids be super kids (they don't want to just as much as you can't be supermom), and plan those meals. The house can be somewhat let go. Even small children can do small tasks. Little kids can't "clean their room" but you can tell them to put the books in the book shelf and to pick up the clothes on the floor and put it in the hamper - one small task at a time. Even so, can you spring for "Merry Maids" to come every other week? Just a thought. I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds but I know exactly what you're going through. It is a tough time of life and then you had cancer too but this too will pass and you will miss this time (my 25 yr old daughter is engaged and getting married May 26, 2012 - I still remember her first day of kindergarten and don't know where that time went). Hugs to you

[CoolBreeze]

I'm still off work after my liver resection, but I certainly have felt the way you have felt. I think there is an expectation that cancer will cause a "great change" in all of us and we will enjoy every experience more, which I have found to not be true. :) I do appreciate my life more now, but it doesn't mean I enjoy every aspect of it.

Assuming that work is a must for you, perhaps you need a new challenge? Is there something your boss can give you to do that excites you? Is there a position within the company that you may want to try for? Something simple, like making a new friend or going out to lunch once a week might be helpful.

I very much enjoy my job - I'm a high school secretary. Something different and interesting happens every single day. But, I hate the hours and am dreading when I have to go back and get up at 5:00 a.m. And then the routine will start - take the kid home, prepare the meal, watch some TV, go to sleep. I enjoy my life but it can be tedious and now I have to use all of my vacation on surgery time, so I can't even look forward to that. I just try to find something every day that makes me happy. A kid's face, a silly joke, a kind word.

And, when you can't do that, you are perfectly normal. Cancer can't change humanity.

[chekmark]

I have nothing to add other than I am happy to feel good enough to go to work everday. But like others have said I try to take more time for me now. Cancer changed me and my husband. He was affected also. We have different goals than we had before. I work full time and still give 100% when I am there but when I leave work I leave it at work, I do not bring it home anymore. I hope you find a solution. We can never get back time lost. Take care and God bless. Darlene

[fauxgypsy]

I know exactly how you feel. I love teaching but I hate the commute and resent it more and more each day. I feel as if I am just burning time. I listen to audiobooks and try to feel that the time is not wasted but it is hard. I have also noticed that my eating habits get worse during the school year. I had hoped that I would make lasting changes in reponse to the cancer but I feel that I am getting back to where I started. I hope you can figure out a way to get it under control.

I am coming to terms with being a type A personality. Not quite as driven as I used to be,though. It might just be fatigue. Still, those roses are important. ; )

[MJo]

I don't know what to say except "I hear you." No kids to care for, so I have a little more time to smell the roses, but worrying gets in the way. As Roseanne Rosanadanna says, "It's always something."

[Paty]

Dear Marcia,

I understand exactly what you mean. I think that it is always good to make a list of your priorities and try to eliminate from your life what it is really not that important. Exercising is always good, it keeps your energy and clears your mind. I tried to be very respectful with my time while I was working (was laid off last week), never put overtime and tried to give my time to what I love the most, my family. Now I am enjoying my free time and will not look for a job until next year, money is necessary, but it is not everything. Good luck and try not to get too overcommitted with life. Life is so fun if we can enjoy it in the simplest way.

[Lien]

Been there, done that. My husband works in the theatre as a lighting technician, which means he wasn\t home at night or on weekends, and slept late during the week.

My tricks:
Get help! Pool with other parents. We used to take turns taking the kids to baseball practice, and we would feed 4 kids & drive them once a month. That was hectic, but the other 3 weeks someone else did it.
I don't know how old your kids are, but most kids can do a couple of chores. Make it into a match: the one that finished clearing up his/her room first gets a treat/can watch tv for 30 minutes/gets computertime. Or if there is a lot of age difference: The kid that can clear the clutter from the floor within 15 minutes (egg timer!) gets computer time, tv time, etc.
Talk to your boss and ask if you can do some work from home. Some tasks can be done that way and it saves time if you don't have to get stuck in rush hour traffic.
Take the stairs
Make a mealplan, including healthy snacks. Buy once a week and take the healthy snacks to work.
While you are making dinner, put your kids in front of the tv and give them a bowl of cherry tomatoes, cubes of cucumber, carrot sticks, etc to nibble on. That way you don't have to worry about there vegetable intake, and if they don't eat their vegetables, you just tell them they have to taste three bites and you can leave it after that. Far less stress. Also, put vegetables in the blender with a bit of chicken stock (cube), heat and serve while they are watching tv. It gives you a little time to yourself, while you are cooking dinner.
Use stairs in stead of elevator, park further away from the entrance, so you force yourself to get exercise. Also, our mothers and grandmothers didn't exercise, because they did housework. So put on some music and try dancing around the room while you dust and clean surfaces. Perhaps you can even entice the whole family to join you for one hour on Saturday morning. Each person can choose a song and the others have to dance to it. It's more fun than doing chores.

I truly believe that things are easier to deal with when we pretend they are fun. So even if I have to do boring stuff, I try to make fun of it every now and then. That makes it more doable.

Hang in there, it will get better. My kids are 11 and 16 now, and although they can be a handful, it is easier to just walk away and ignore them for a bit. Couldn't do that when they were 3 and 8, around the time of my diagnosis. Now they go off with their friends and keep themselves busy.

And even though I don't want them to spend too much time in front of a screen, sometimes a tv, dvd or computergame can give me a much needed break. I have invested in a couple of good movies, acceptable games, and nice music to buy me some time.

Jacqueline

[Jean]

Wow all great suggestions!

I too put music on while cleaning up the house.
I sing and still dance thru the rooms.
When my son was younger (now 28 and engaged, getting married this coming Aug. 2012) I would put on music and he would clean up his toys and do chores and we danced thru it.
Gosh, it was like yesterday. I still put music on and we still dance and do our house chores. Most of all we have fun.

Like Becky my son was older when I was dx.
But here is my 2 cents worth:

Kids grow fast...enjoy and fun with them.
I see some of my younger neighbors and they are on a merry go round. Too many after school activities & the parents are burnt out. Select carefully.
Work to live....not live to work. With the economy the way it is many companies are taking advantage of good hard working people. Without knowing the type of work you do and what must be done in a day (I find we tend to think everything must be done today) there is tomorrow to make that task first.
Interesting feature: the best meals are the simple ones.
Fresh veggies, salads, soups - (invest in a slow cooker) now that we are going into the winter season, they are perfect. Use mine at least 2 per week. Made a lentil soup this week that all loved. It is nice to come home have the meal waiting. Also great on weekend where you can go out and have long walks while the cooker is working for you.
Maybe post in your local library or supermarket for a high school jr./or senior or college student who is seeking to earn some money and pay them to come in once or 2X per week to help out for 2 or 3 hrs. Take some of the weight off of you. I have a friend who has a small B&B and she hires college kids for 8.00 phr. to come in make beds, throw cloths in laundry. Plus your kids helping makes for more time for all.

I hope some of these things help.
Do take a mental health day off from work.
How is your boss? Understanding ?
Sending you hugs Bejuice.
Jean

[sarah]

Hello Marcia,
Good post, this effects so many people. Ask your kids to help, ask friends to help.
There are some good answers here. you are obviously overwhelmed and depressed. Ask about anti-depressants and every evening when you come home take some time for yourself before plunging into family stuff, making dinner, etc.
Find a supportive friend you can talk to.
You must get to a point where you realize that although your life is tough, you have a wonderful family and you're alive and re-learn to appreciate the little things while this might seem trivial, it isn't. attitude is so important. learning to appreciate whatever you have in life is vital to happiness but you can't do that when you're depressed or feeling overwhelmed.
You are lucky to have a husband and children, so many cancer patients are totally alone. While they may sometimes create more work, I can assure you it's better than being alone.
take time for yourself. go to bed early and read or listen to audio books, nothing takes you away from the petty problems of life like a book. don't watch TV news, it's depressing.
It's hard to be ill and work but in this financial crisis, remember how lucky you are to have a job and obviously you're good at it.
talk honestly to your family about what you need from them and how you feel, they love you and will help.
What about seeing a psychologist?
Remember the most important thing, you're still here! Embrace each day, it really is a gift especially to us who have looked death in the face and are still here.
Take care, be gentle with yourself.
health and happiness
hugs and love
sarah

[Jackie07]

Marcia,

Not sure if you remember the 'Ping Shuai Kung' film I posted a couple of years ago. Here's a shorter one with English narration at the end. You can do it anywhere anytime as long as there's enough space for you to swing your arms.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c80I01HKAvM

Basically, swing your arms naturally and bend your knees on the fourth beat. You can also do it when you are walking.

Take care.

[Catherine]

This is a great thread. I have had so many of these same thoughts. One of the things I do when I want to stop and smell the roses, is to come to our Her2 site. I do not have the large responsibilites that many do, and I am grateful. That being said, it is still easy to forget to take time for myself, time for those I really care about and time to just feel the joy around me. Oh yes, and taking time to be grateful that I am still here! For those who have plates overflowing with jobs and families, I hope you can sneak out some time for you. Schedule yourself on your "daytimer." You deserve it!

All the best to all of you wonderful friends,

[bejuce]

Thank you so much, ladies!!! As usual this group comes through with support, words of encouragement, inspiration, life tips, and more!

After my busiest month (October) of the fiscal year and first week of November (which was quite busy as well) I took a day "off" last week to drive my 4th grader on a day long field trip with her class in an open preserve here in the Bay Area. It was a beautiful day spent with kids and the park guides in nature, hiking and learning about the environment.

We also took Veterans' Day off since the kids were off school and drove down to LA on Thursday night to take them to Disneyland. On the drive back, we decided to spend a relaxing day in Santa Barbara where we rented bikes to bike with the kids on the beach.

This is how I try to like every day now - to the fullest. And that's why I was complaining before, if I work too much I'm not able to do the rest. What pushes me over the edge is having to work late nights after my kids go to bed.

So... To shorten this up, here are my goals for this new fiscal year at work/life:

1. Plan ahead to stay ahead of my projects so I can drive to all the field trips (which I already did before cancer, but now it's even more important to me that I do so) and enjoy my kids' days off from school with them.

2. Stop taking on so much from different angles, and let go of some responsibilities. For example, last year I was room mom in both my daughters' classrooms. This year, I signed up to be the room mom for my 4th grader class. It's turning out to be lots of work, work that at times I could do without. I think people at school now know me as the one with lots of energy to take on many projects and ask me for help when needed. Because of what I went through, I see every moment as an opportunity to give my kids precious memories with their mom and I have a hard time saying no to things like organizing the classroom Halloween party, helping with school projects, etc. I have to learn to say no to certain tasks (like being the one planning the parties for their soccer teams, ordering their trophies, etc.) and focus on those tasks that are really important. A big problem I have is that I think I should try to do it all now because who knows what may happen in the future.

3. Sign up for an exercise boot camp with a friend and stop coming up with excuses. Exercise always needs to come first before work.

4. Stop being an overachiever at work and slack off a bit more. If I can't finish something on time without having to work a late night, so be it. As long as I'm doing my job, I'll be ok. No need to strive for the stars at work anymore. I already proved myself on FY11, and now on FY12, it's time to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

5. Always make time for family and friends no matter what.

6. Try to get in some time for myself once in a while. This time for myself should not include grocery shopping alone or folding laundry in peace (which I like to do and honestly sometimes it's all I get of alone time...)

That said, it's already late and time to go home and have another wonderful night with my family.

Thank you so much for all your support!!!

Marcia

[snolan]

Sounds like you have a good plan, I know you will be sucessful, good luck.

[LoisLane]

Hey Marcia Great ideas on your list. I think it is important to let go of some of the
stuff they gets you way too busy and tired. Enjoy your family and your work in moderation and pace yourself as you have said. Jean I am glad I am not the only one that dances around the house. I am always doing ballet (have no idea what I am doing) around the house room to room when classical music is on. My daughter who is a dancer quite cant believe what she is seeing. I have been a medical secretary in many hospitals here in Toronto for 30 years. The last 10 years I have been working for two wonderful women, both family physicians. I have decided to stop working (I know I am very lucky I can do this). I want to spend a lot of time with family, but I will be filling in when staff have sick days and holidays, that way I can still see everyone. I will also be starting soon to volunteer in the chemo unit in one of our hospitals. Its funny now that I am not working I think is there anything I would like to try now. I said to my sister I would love
to be a waitress in one of the laid back diners. she said are you crazy, I said no I just
want to say to someone "kiss my grits" ha ha anyone remember that. love Lois