Anybody have any jokes they can share?

[Paula O]

Your Duck is Dead–



A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly
said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”



The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck
is dead,” replied the vet..
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”



The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.



The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.



The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his
computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed
to the woman..



The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried,
“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”



The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s
now $150.”

[Jackie07]

O my! That is hilarious!

A junior high friend just posted this on his Facebook (sort of a 'practical joke'):

http://www.wretch.cc/video/sky840120&func=single&vid=7062247

[Paula O]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP4abiHdQpc&NR=1&feature=fvwp

(Baby humor)

Paula

[snolan]

I just bought a shirt that says "Yeah their fake, my real ones tried to kill me". I like sarcastic humor, made me laugh.

[chrisy]

my first chemo go round my sister was in charge of making me laugh. this one had me laughing out loud at my desk

<table class="MsoNormalTable" style="width:100.0%" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr><td style="width:100.0%;padding:1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt" width="100%">

<table class="MsoNormalTable" style="width:100.0%" id="yiv1729630992ecxmod_EDIMAINTABLE" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tbody><tr> <td style="width:100.0%;padding:1.2pt 1.2pt 1.2pt 1.2pt" id="yiv1729630992ecxmod_EDITEXTREGION" width="100%">





<table class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody><tr> <td style="padding:0in 0in 0in 0in" valign="top"> <table class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody><tr> <td style="padding:0in 0in 0in 0in" valign="top"> <table class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody><tr> <td style="width:683.25pt;padding:0in 3.75pt 0in 3.75pt" valign="top" width="911"> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.









ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?




WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'




ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?




WITNESS: My name is Susan!




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?




WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?




WITNESS: No , I just lie there.




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?




WITNESS: Yes.




ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?




WITNESS: I forget..




ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?




___________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?




WITNESS: We both do.




ATTORNEY: Voodoo?




WITNESS: We do..




ATTORNEY: You do?




WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?




WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?




____________________________________









ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?




WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.




___________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?




WITNESS: Are you kidding me?




_________________________________________









ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?




WITNESS: Yes.




ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?




WITNESS: Getting laid.




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?




WITNESS: Yes.




ATTORNEY: How many were boys?




WITNESS: None.




ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?




WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?




WITNESS: By death..




ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?




WITNESS: Take a guess.




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?




WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard




ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?




WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.




_____________________________________









ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?




WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.




______________________________________









ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?




WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.




_________________________________________









ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?




WITNESS: Oral...




_________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?




WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM




ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?




WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.




____________________________________________









ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?




WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?




______________________________________









And last:









ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?




WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?




WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?




WITNESS: No..




ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?




WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?




WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.




ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?




WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.










</td></tr></tbody></table>



























</td></tr></tbody></table>

</td></tr></tbody></table>

</td></tr></tbody></table>











</td></tr></tbody></table>

[PinkGirl]

This is why I don't exercise ...

806

[Jackie07]

This is why we get Vitamin D from (Vitamin D fortified) Orange juice :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AReD13DKT8g

[Paula O]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9oxmRT2YWw

I found this baby's reaction to his mom blowing her nose funny.

When I hear of somebody swallowing their gum, I'm going to think of the photo shared above. HA!

Paula

[Rainess]

LOVE THIS. Thanks for the laugh!
Michele

[NEDenise]

Hi!
Not trying to "rush the season", but this made me chuckle.

Good King Wenceslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked, "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"

[NEDenise]

Jackie! I can't wait to go buy oranges so I can try the tooth thing! Too funny!

Okay...this husband is nothing like "OUR" husbands would be...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[NEDenise]

DOG FOR SALE


https://exchange.wsd.k12.pa.us/owa/attachment.ashx?id=RgAAAAAlc3JPz%2f4sQbjHzjdufYyuB wCwaxN5i3O9Tqp%2bilWQLEh3AAAAOl9KAACgH%2fgAsIf3QbB V2%2flsOgUXAE%2frot%2buAAAJ&attcnt=1&attid0=EAD1YYkbrj2lSrD326p15VZl

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

https://exchange.wsd.k12.pa.us/owa/attachment.ashx?id=RgAAAAAlc3JPz%2f4sQbjHzjdufYyuB wCwaxN5i3O9Tqp%2bilWQLEh3AAAAOl9KAACgH%2fgAsIf3QbB V2%2flsOgUXAE%2frot%2buAAAJ&attcnt=1&attid0=EAA8B1V75wEcQJpCHlMhoZZq

[Paula O]

Puns Intended(Unknown Author) ”1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 8.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’ 11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 12.. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’ 13. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 14. A backward poet writes inverse. 15. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 16. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 17.. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’ 18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 19.. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’ 20.. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 21. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. ”




Paula
“I didn’t sign up for this! I know that I sang, ‘Wherever He leads. I’ll go’, but can’t we at least check the weather report first? How could God lead me into a storm like this one?’ Just cling to the knowledge that you could be in no safer place than a storm of His making. You are safer and more secure in the tempest with Jesus than you could ever be in the calmest place without Him. That calm, you’ll come to realize, is an illusion, and the storm is for a good purpose and a short duration.”
--David Jerimiah





http://www.buckcash.com/cancerisland/images/toons2/gotpred11_350.jpg

[NEDenise]

Paula,
Thanks for the giggles (and groans)...I love puns! I've already copied and pasted this to an email to one of my 'teacher friends' who is a huge pun fan.

But more importantly...thanks for posting the David Jerimiah quote. It actually gave me goosebump as I read it. What a beautiful way to put things in their proper perspective!

Be well, my friend,
Denise

[NEDenise]

Funny, Clean Halloween Jokes

Why did Dracula's mother give him cough medicine?
Because he was having a coffin fit.
What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put a goldfish brain in the body of his dog?
I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?'
Cos everyone was a goblin.
Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn?
It was a stake sandwich.
Dracula decided he need a dog, which breed did he choose?
A bloodhound.
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/animations/halloween_skeleton_door.gif (http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/jokes_ghost_car.htm)
A dead ringer.
What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs!
Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.

[Paula O]

Anybody hear any great clean jokes/see cartoons they liked lately? Please share away--I'd love to enjoy them along with you! Laughter has done me so much good this year. Are there others here that look for funny things every day too?

I try and share humor most days in my blog and I think the one I posted today is hilarious:
http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/710
;),
Paula
P.S. It's totally a light hearted "just kidding" parent's joke--hopefully nobody will take offense at the humor as none is intended. :0)

Also, here's a "Blonde joke" that I posted earlier this week in the blog:

A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in
economy class gets up, and moves to the first class
section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks
to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that
she paid for economy class, and that she will have
to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde,
I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying
right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells
the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde
lady sitting in first class, that belongs in
economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for economy
she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m
going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest
this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll
handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear,
and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” and gets up and goes
back to her seat in economy..
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
asked him what he said to make her move without
any fuss.
“I told her, “First class isn’t going to Toronto “.

[NEDenise]

Paula,
You KNOW I look for laughs all day, every day!
Keep smiling!
Denise

[chrisy]

two peanuts were walking down the street
one was assaulted.

[NEDenise]

Chris!
That is my favorite joke ever! We really are kindred spirits!

I also like...
Horse walks into a bar
Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Never gets old! :)

Denise

[Paula O]

Ha, ha! :) Here's another:

A rather sharp blonde enters the library……..walks straight up to the librarians desk.
She boldly asks for a cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke.

The librarian looks at her and says……”shhh, Ms….this is a library, not a diner”.

“Oh”…..says the Blonde as she whispers.”…so sorry …..I would like a cheeseburger,

fries and a Coke.”

[Paula O]

http://www.buckcash.com/cancerisland/images/toons2/pet32_350.jpg
Did you hear about the blonde gal who went to the pop machine and put in her 25 cents and out came a soda? After that she put in another quarter, and another, and another…Time went by and there was quite a line behind her until one gentleman spoke up and said, “Excuse me, Lady, can we have a turn too please?’
The blonde smiled sweetly at him and replied, “No way, not while I’m winning!”

[Lettik]

Hi, Loved the duck joke and the
t-shirt. In fact, all are funny. Here's one:

************************************************** **
There was a man who got a chance to talk to God and ask him a couple of questions.


Man asks:, God, How much is a penny worth where you come from?
God replies: My son, a penny is worth 1,000,000 dollars.


The man asks: God, How long is a second in time where you come from?
God replies: My son, a second of your time is equal to 1,000 years.


The man thinks a minute and then says: God, Could I have a Million Dollars?

God replies: Sure, just give me a second.

************************************************** ***********
I'm a newbie and working on my signature.
Lettik

[Paula O]

I like that one, Lettik! Thanks for sharing. :) Welcome to the group--I'm glad you've joined us. I got a kick out of this one:

<B><BIG><BIG><BIG>Rules For Better Writing</BIG></BIG></BIG></B>
<B><BIG><BIG><BIG></BIG></BIG></BIG></B><B><BIG><BIG><BIG>(Unknown Author)</BIG></BIG></BIG></B>
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s
highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not
needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

[Paula O]

There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic”. Some have come to light due to the success of the movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo

[Paula O]

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also, pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

[Lettik]

Paula; You are amazing. One right after another. Wish I had you around on a daily basis to increase my "laughter is healing emotion". Thanks so much!!
Lettik

[Paula O]

http://www.benitaepstein.com/doctor%20cartoons/files/page3-1013-full.jpg

Hi Lettik,

I'm glad you like the jokes. I'm hoping LOTS of folks will share more jokes, cartoons, and funny things here too that they come across or search for--I'd LOVE for many to contribute funny stuff to this thread (hint, hint! :). Actually, I wasn't much of a joke teller before I had cancer--am the kind of gal that sometimes forgets punch lines and am more on the serious side naturally.

I was so shocked, sad, and overwhelmed about the cancer initially, I sure didn't "feel" like looking up funny stuff--it seemed trite to me actually. A friend who is a psychologist recc two very helpful things: that I find something funny daily and share it with somebody else and also that I do something enjoyable every day, even just a small thing when I was not feeling well. It's been really good for me to go out of my way to develop more of a sense of humor, laugh at myself more, and cultivate looking at the funny side of things. I've discovered that it's downright fun to offer something that causes others to smile or laugh-- it's sort of like sharing little gifts with others. :) It's sure worth giving a try IMHO if there are folks here who haven't tried seeking out humor daily. C'mon guys,if you haven't already, join me in posting funny stuff here! It doesn't take long at all to look up jokes and cartoons on the internet and they recycle very nicely.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. ~ Mark Twain


Here's another joke I like:
4 Worms in Church
“A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
‘As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’
That pretty much ended the service.”

[Paula O]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $40,000 a year and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic … “Try doing it with the engine running.”

[Paula O]

Bubba & The Psychiatrist

Bubba went to see a psychiatrist.
‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy’ he told the psychiatrist.
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’
‘How much do you charge?’
‘Eighty dollars per visit, replied the psychiatrist.’
‘I’ll sleep on it,’ said Bubba.
Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A barber cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’
‘Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a barber cure you?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now !!!’
http://www.medijokes.com/images/bubba.jpg
Git ‘er dun!!!!!!!!!

[Paula O]

AFRAID OF THE DARK
A five year old boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother
told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to
go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be
afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look
after you and protect you.”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure
he’s out there?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help
you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to
the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness,
he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the
broom?”

[Paula O]

I posted a humourous account of a colonoscopy in my blog today that I got a chuckle out of: http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/928


Hey you guys--do you like jokes? What tickles YOUR funny bone? Got any good ones you can share too?

[Paula O]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 (or who feel like it)

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (My husband is at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack. ;)

Chuckling at this humor,

Paula

[NEDenise]

Hope you enjoy reading about my Travels!

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.
I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.
They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I live close so it's a short drive.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump,
and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible,
but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more
often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible
but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial
but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I have been in Deepshit many times;
the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
I actually kind of enjoy it there.

So far, I haven't been in Continent;
but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.

Wishing you safe travels.

[Mtngrl]

That's a good one! Thanks, Denise.

[Paula O]

Denise, I think it's fun to play around with words too. Here is a similar rendition to what you posted that has a Christian bent that I added to my blog recently. I enjoyed making up a few of my own In Cahoots additions: http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/1019

and another joke...
BAR MITZVAH BEE Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. “Really bad,” said the second bee. “The weather has been so cold and wet and there aren’t any flowers or pollen to make honey.” “No problem,” said the first bee. “Just fly down five blocks and turn left, keep going until you see all the cars. There is a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of flowers and fresh fruit.” “Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee; as he flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked the second bee, “How did it go?” “Fine,” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be.”
The first bee then asked, “Hey, what’s that thing on your head?” To which the second bee replied, “It’s my yarmulke. I didn’t want them to think I was a WASP.”

[Paula O]

I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
‘This is the 21st century,’ he said. ‘I don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’
I can tell you this; that ole’ fly never knew what hit him!”

[Paula O]

”Only in America…
do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America…
do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.

Only in America…
do banks leave vault doors
open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America…
do we buy hot dogs in
packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America…
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER…
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline
‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do ’practice’?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used
on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?!
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they
are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress
the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?”

[chekmark]

This is a really old one but still one of my favorites.

A lady walks into a plastic surgeons office and said that she needed a quote for a face lift, she just wants to remove a few wrinkles and look good. He said he would be happy to do it but it would cost $5000.00. She said I don't have that kind of money do you have anything cheaper. He looks at her and said well...... just recently we have invented a new device. No one will see it, we put it on the top of your head and your hair will hide it and everytime you start to sag you just turn this device and it will tighten everything up and it is only $500.00. She was ecstatic and said I will take it.

She gets the device and goes home and all is going well, when she would sag she would just turn this device and looked good again until one day she noticed these 2 pimple like bumps on her face. One on each cheek and they would not go away so she thought she better go back to her surgeon and have them looked at.

She goes back and explained to the surgeon that everything was going well until she developed these pimples. He took one look at her and chuckled. You ready for it.... He said maam, those aren't pimples, those are your nipples and if you pull that thing any tighter you are going to grow yourself a beard.


Hope no one is offended, I just love that one.

[Paula O]

http://her2support.org/vbulletin/attachment.php?attachmentid=840&stc=1&d=1317931730

Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in -law."

[Paula O]

Taylor Mason Comedy Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-14f0l13dw&feature=related

Michael Joiner's fast food bit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCknl16rSoI

Paula

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He supported himself by growing potatoes in his large potato garden. One Spring morning, about planting time, he wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For goodness sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area, but after they looked everywhere, they didn’t find any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

[Paula O]

Jeanne Robertson shares: “Don’t send a man to the grocery store!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YFRUSTiFUs&feature=share

[Paula O]

“Check your shampoo bottle label. I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner. It’s the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning… FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! NO wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE. Problem Solved! If I don’t answer the phone …I’ll be in the shower!”

[Paula O]

Introducing "Menopause Barbie" ;)

http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/s480x480/76883_10151167442498910_2037719689_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151167442498910&set=a.429279043909.210307.754578909&type=1&relevant_count=1&ref=nf)

[Paula O]

http://www.reverendfun.com/add_toon_info.php?date=20061006&language=en

“At a nursing home, a group of Senior Citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments: ”My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even SEE my coffee,” replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy’” another went on.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence.
“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. ”Thank God we all can still drive!”

[Paula O]

http://www.buckcash.com/cancerisland/images/toons2/gotpred11_350.jpg
There is some funny stuff on this web site I've linked below. I think I'd enjoy being part of one of the "Missions" they do. :) Has anybody here been part of a Flash Mob or one of these improv Everywheres?

Improv Everywhere;
http://improveverywhere.com/2010/02/28/teds-birthday-2/


Sports Humor:
http://improveverywhere.com/2008/04/07/best-game-ever/

[Paula O]

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.
Not only did the pearl divers come up empty, but they barely escaped an earthquake. These were pearl-less times.
Three lefts equal a right, yet no number of wrongs equals a right.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the
Grass.’
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change
yet.’
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
When cannibals ate a clown they said it tasted funny.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. ”

Dyslexics have more nuf.
Clones are people, two.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Microbiology Lab Staph Only !
Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Eschew obfuscation.
186,000 miles per second. Not just a good idea, it’s the law!
Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity.
My reality check just bounced.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.
What if there were no hypothetical questions.
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to think I was indecisive, now I’m not sure.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

[Paula O]

http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/s480x480/398339_467114439995250_198904752_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=467114439995250&set=a.211672852206078.69735.210795545627142&type=1&ref=nf)

[Paula O]

http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/s480x480/563993_370036773072443_930880604_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=370036773072443&set=a.234412563301532.55118.233403366735785&type=1&ref=nf)

[Paula O]

http://www.buckcash.com/cancerisland/images/toons2/shingles24_350.jpg


Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, ‘So y’all want to be cops, huh?’ The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, ‘To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.’ So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. ’Now,’ he said, ‘did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?’
The blonde immediately said, ‘Yes, I did. He has only one eye!’ The detective shook his head and said, ‘Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!’ The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, ‘What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?’ ‘Yes! He only has one ear!’ The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, ‘Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You’re excused too!’ The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, ‘This is probably a waste of time, but … He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, ‘All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?’ The blonde said, ‘I sure did… This man wears contact lenses.’ The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, ‘You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?’

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, ‘Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses!’

[Paula O]

Pilot Father's Tough Love:
http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/710

[Paula O]

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. This is his colonoscopy account:

Colonoscopy Journal:



“I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.



A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.



Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.



I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’



I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.



Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor..



Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’



This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.



The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the … forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.



Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.



There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.



‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me..



‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like..



I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.



Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.”

[Paula O]

There are many stories related to the sinking of the Titanic. Some have come to light due to the success of the movie. For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo

[Paula O]

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/s480x480/524885_4341096457264_1499102079_n.jpg

[Paula O]

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/s480x480/425616_365897800160422_522405771_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=365897800160422&set=a.114278148655723.27419.110769849006553&type=1&ref=nf)

[Paula O]

Passing along a chuckle from my dear Mother-in-law:

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.





One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida on her 95th birthday.





The first said, “You know I had a big house built for Mama.”





The second said, ” And I had a large theater built in the house.”





The third said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”





The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read


anymore because she can’t see very well. I met the preacher who told me about a parrot


who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I


had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth


it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”





The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mom sent out her “Thank You”


notes.





She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but


I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”





“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I


never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”





“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people,


but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use


it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same.”





“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to


your gift.





The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much.”





Love, Mama

[Paula O]

POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, ‘Hi! I’m Belinda!’ This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, ‘All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?’
I’m thinking, ‘Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.’
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, ‘Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?’
‘Fine’, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
‘Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.’ Belinda headed for the door.
‘Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?’ I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, ‘Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.’
Before I could shout ‘NOOOO!’ she disappeared.
And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite ‘Hi, how’s it going’ type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible ‘Uh, yes, yes I did– thanks.’
‘You bet, take care’ Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, ‘Oh I am sooo sorry!’ The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?’
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps….

[Paula O]

Yesterday while I had my legs up in stirrups, confabulating ;) http://her2support.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=56435
with my gynecologist about his cooking while he was doing a hysteroscopy and an endometrial biopsy on me, I remembered this old joke below I heard long ago (but didn't tell it to him :)

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early
one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had
been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone
off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to
spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making
such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So,
I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting
next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was
at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some
clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing
the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the
other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a
million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have
made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy,
where's my washcloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor . Ever."

[Paula O]

Here is some Thanksgiving humor:

Why did the turkey cross the road?


To prove he wasn’t chicken.

Is turkey soup good for you?


Not if you’re the turkey

Why did the person quit smoking cold turkey?


Because the feathers made him cough.

Why did the turkey bolt down its food?

Because it was a gobbler.

What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?

Nothing, they’re already stuffed.

Did you hear about the conservative turkey?

It had two right wings.


May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey?
Drumsticks for everybody!

[NEDenise]

Paula,
I LOVE silly riddles! They make me laugh out loud!

And, I LOVE your new curls! Very becoming!
Denise

[Paula O]

Thx, Denise. :)

I posted some more Thanksgiving humor in my blog today if anybody is interested:
http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/1241
I think the cartoon is a hoot. :)

Paula

[Paula O]

Never a Bad Hair Day
http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/425

Last year when I was going through my tratment and bald as a newborn baby I saw this funny little story forwarded here. Thanks to whoever shared it, I've so appreciated the humor. I liked it a lot and tweaked it a tiny bit. I found it funny and insightful. I hated losing my hair just like everybody else and while I knew the anecdote was made up and unrealistic it made me laugh, take pause, think and reflect.

Love,

Paula

[Paula O]

http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/s480x480/155930_311113669002637_1116836323_n.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=311113669002637&set=a.229052297208775.50497.100003120200742&type=1&relevant_count=1&ref=nf)

[Paula O]

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[Paula O]

Everything you have on your car has a very specific function with the exception of one thing: the instrument panel dimmer switch. Why was this invented? Are people’s eyes too sensitive for the five-watt bulb behind the speedometer? It’s like, “Oh, don’t worry about those oncoming headlights, but this odometer light — it’s burning my retina.”
—Wayne Federman

[Paula O]

When I was going through surgery, chemo, and radiation last year, a friend challenged me to seek out humor and also do at least one enjoyable thing every day, even when I was feeling scared, sad, and awful.

My kids love it when we are goofy together, especially when I initiate it. I remember the laughter we had together doing the dinner trick in the link and dropping by and smiling at some neighbors. It's a great use for orange peels and such!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ecu1SWO0IM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ecu1SWO0IM)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTKFXEr7f4c&NR=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTKFXEr7f4c&NR=1)


Paula
"A merry heart does good, like medicine"

[Paula O]

Medical cartoons by T. McCracken:

http://www.mchumor.com/medicine_cartoons.html

[Paula O]

http://assets.amuniversal.com/b22c7a9010b10130fd10001dd8b71c47 (http://www.gocomics.com/pickles/2012/11/26#mutable_859613)
<TABLE style="WIDTH: 750px"><TBODY><TR><TD style="WIDTH: 650px">http://images.ucomics.com/comics/wppic/2012/wppic121127.gif (http://www.gocomics.com/pickles/?utm_source=GoComics&utm_medium=free_email&utm_campaign=user_comic)
http://images.gocomics.com/images/email/frame-bottom.png (http://www.gocomics.com/pickles/?utm_source=GoComics&utm_medium=free_email&utm_campaign=user_comic)
</TD><TD style="WIDTH: 50px">http://sentinel.uclick.com/dailygocomics/email/registered/11/27/2012/wppic.gif
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Paula O]

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

[Paula O]

A grandmother was telling her grand daughter what her childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond.I had a swing made from a tire hanging in our yard.We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.The little girl was wide eyed , taking it all in. at last she said "I wish I would have gotten to know you sooner."

[Paula O]

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/s480x480/559300_4874424907454_499825504_n.jpg

[Paula O]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKBBMZQK6D0
Talking bird on Animal Planet

[Paula O]

http://static.andertoons.com/img/toons/cartoon6316.png (http://www.andertoons.com/cartoon/6316/)

[Paula O]

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/h/1qldoqhu1lbif/?view=att&th=13c024763adf5b05&attid=0.1&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1

<TABLE style="MARGIN-LEFT: 20.1pt" border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar
with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Paula O]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?<WBR>v=CULU09VCu14 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CULU09VCu14)

Talking cats play Patty-Cake ;)

[Paula O]

4 Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

;)

[Paula O]

One day a big piece of string walked into a diner. He sat down at the counter and said, "Hey waitress, give me a coffee." The waitress replied, "We don't serve your kind in here." So, the string went outside, tied himself up in a knot and frayed his ends, then walked back into the resaurant and requested again, " I'd like to order a coffee". The waitress looked at him, gave him a cup of coffee, and then said, "Hey! Aren't you that piece of string that was just in here?" And the string replied, "Frayed Knot."

[Paula O]

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p480x480/538689_10151465428721598_1490073672_n.jpg
(https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151465428721598&set=p.10151465428721598&type=1&relevant_count=1)

[Paula O]

From a child's perspective:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pOO2_oFbBg

[whatz]

You make me smile Paula!

[Paula O]

That perspective of a child link made me smile too, Whatz. Hope you are doing well--how are things going for you these days?

Here's some cochroach humor ;) :

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere. It's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Eww!" said the other roach frowning. "Please, not while I'm eating!"

[Paula O]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved
3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the
child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle;
and for junk food, cereal and soda in the other aisles.



Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."



At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Grandad says again in a calm and controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't
get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."



Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car.



She said to the incredibly patient gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.

I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. A lot of mothers could learn a thing or two from your example.”



Grandad smiled, and the woman said, “William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."


"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.......my gandson's name is Kevin."

[Paula O]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/s403x403/1004417_10201470304261955_1049914335_n.jpg

[Paula O]

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work..
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your
friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it, not me.
3 I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back
of her head.

[Paula O]

10 Things For Every Mom to Know:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQ4Rnba85o8
(By Kid President)

[Paula O]

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/100-year-old-dorothy-custer-part-1/17w3cwhc4

Jay Leno interviewed Dorothy Custer back when she was 100 (as well as birthdays after that).

[Paula O]

Refrigerator magnet/ T shirt sayings:

“There’s only one more shopping
day until tomorrow.”

“Mom, I’ll always love you, but I’ll never forgive you for washing my face with spit on your hankie.” ;)


These are some Patsy Clairmont thought up:


Menopause: a target for heat-seeking devices
Need a facelift? Try smiling!
Hormones: emotional chiggers
Trifocals: triple ripple

Paula
Isa 33:2 O Lord, be gracious to us, we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.

<!-- / message -->

[Paula O]

Passing along some Happy Mother's Day smiles...... :)
--Paula
A merry heart does good, like medicine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HB3xM93rXbY
World's Toughest Job


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyzHYlYr88o
"I love Moms or Something"

[Jackie07]

Thanks, Paula, for the neat links.

Hope all the Mothers here on the Board have had a happy Mother's Day.

[rigato]

I know that it has beed few days since Mother's day, but thank you for that link it really made my day

[Paula O]

"A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it." ;)

[Paula O]

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To Me, it's about a minute." "God, how much is a million dollars?"
"To Me, it's a penny."
"God, may I have a penny?'
"Wait a minute."

;)

[LaDonna28]

Why do women have hemorrhoids more then men?
Because men are already perfect a**holes.

[Paula O]

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

All they said was "Bach, Bach, Bach..."

[Paula O]

What did one strand of DNA say to the other strand of DNA? "Do these genes make me look fat?"

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

A sign at a music shop: "Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet."

[Paula O]

A philosopher says to a linguist, "What if instead of periods, women had apostrophes?" The linguist replied, "They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions."

Ha!
Paula
My blog: http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/

[MaineRottweilers]

Hahaha! too short, must laugh longer Hahahahahaha!

[Paula O]

>Hahaha! too short, must laugh longer Hahahahahaha!

:)

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.

[piesscoot]

More funny jokes here (http://staging.laughfactory.com/jokes/relationship-jokes)...

[Paula O]

I posted a whole bunch of Thanksgiving riddles and a turkey cartoon in my blog today if you want some corny stuff to pass along this week : http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/1656

It used to be that I could highlight, copy, and paste cartoons and put them here in this section but does't seem to work any more (It'll just describe the image in a word when pasted---not so funny! :) )

The real treasure there is the Bald Headed Ballerina--WOW! Whatdayathink?! No stopping that gal, huh?!

[Paula O]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Paula O]

Humor is a pretty subjective thing and what is funny to one person may not be to another. The video about the German language I posted in my blog today tickled my funny bone and had me laughing out loud:

http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/1620

Hope others here enjoy it too. Laughter is such good medicine.

Anybody else here have anything funny to share?

Paula

[Paula O]

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.

—————————-

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

—————————

[Paula O]

Laugh break:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSoXEtFPTfI

:) Paula

[Paula O]

Bald humor:

http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/1940

[Paula O]

"This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass." ;) Ha, ha!

I got a laugh out of the "Truth in Advertising" link and follow up that I posted in my blog today: http://jpoliver.com/wordpress/archives/1974

Have a nice weekend!
Paula

[Juls]

Tears!!
Thank you - needed a laugh!!
Juls

[Paula O]

Glad you enjoyed it too, Juls. :)

Funny commercial:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xw1NIDFUdJI

Ever have one of those kinds of days?

Paula

[Steve60]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[Vinafera]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

[Steve60]

Good one I like it.

[Steve60]

Did you hear the about scotsman running down the street with his mouth open ? Someone told him that there was a nip in the air.

[Vinafera]

How do you lift an elephant with one hand?
You can't. Elephants don't have hands!!!

Every time I go in for treatment I tell a joke or two.

[Paula O]

Three buddies were talking about death and dying. One asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"

[Paula O]

From Julie's sig line:

"First thing each morning, I try on my bathing suit. Then, nothing worse can happen the rest of the day."

:)


Radiation cartoon:
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/191332684143547593/

[Paula O]

As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I’m going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I asked coyly.

"No," he said. "But it costs just as much."


Aint that the truth! :)

[Paula O]

Woman With Breast Cancer/Man With Flu Cartoon:

https://www.google.com/search?biw=1280&bih=670&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=cartoon+breast+cancer&oq=cartoon+breast+cancer&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0j0i30k1j0i8i30k1l2.52680.54402.0.56805.7.7. 0.0.0.0.113.619.6j1.7.0....0...1.1.64.psy-ab..0.7.615...0i13k1j0i7i30k1j0i8i7i30k1.NJ87daxSA uI#imgrc=rh-CYybI-7DwBM:

[Paula O]

"You Fight Like a Girl, Mom" Cartoon:

https://www.google.com/search?biw=1280&bih=670&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=cartoon+breast+cancer&oq=cartoon+breast+cancer&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0j0i30k1j0i8i30k1l2.52680.54402.0.56805.7.7. 0.0.0.0.113.619.6j1.7.0....0...1.1.64.psy-ab..0.7.615...0i13k1j0i7i30k1j0i8i7i30k1.NJ87daxSA uI#imgrc=uO_vlU1R9ITvrM:

[Paula O]

"Yes, I did have my mammogram today. Why do you ask?" cartoon:

https://www.google.com/search?biw=1280&bih=670&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=cartoon+breast+cancer&oq=cartoon+breast+cancer&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0j0i30k1j0i8i30k1l2.52680.54402.0.56805.7.7. 0.0.0.0.113.619.6j1.7.0....0...1.1.64.psy-ab..0.7.615...0i13k1j0i7i30k1j0i8i7i30k1.NJ87daxSA uI#imgrc=e2dZM4PaAjyisM: