Extremely Short Stories for those of you with Extremely Short Attention Spans

[Colleens_Husband]

When darkness falls in the forest , little Billy became rigid with fear. Even though he had been raised in a hollow log by a family of squirrels, nighttime still brought terror. Later, he would laugh in a real high squeaky voice.

The End.

[PinkGirl]

What's life? It's a magazine. How much does it cost? It costs
50 cents. I only have a quarter. That's life.

[Bill]

There once was an imperfect set of brothers, Little Billy and Slowlee. Their mother would often encourage Little Billy to take Slowlee for long walks late at night, through the woods....but it didn't work. The End

[Colleens_Husband]

A real short biography for almost everyone who aren't interesting enough to have a big biography written about them:

Birth. School. Work. Death.

The End.




Excuse me, I need to go stick my head in an oven.

[Colleens_Husband]

Abdul was considering the 72 virgins that would attend to his every need as he pulled the rented truck loaded with fertilizer onto the busy boulevard.

Across the street I found a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk. I RULE!!!!

[PinkGirl]

There once was a boy named Slowlee who got lost in the woods
while walking with his brother Billy. Everyone thought Slowlee was
lost forever but the little tyke found his way to grandma's house.

[Midwest Alice]

The sun flickered through the window of the doll house. Sally Sue had the family gathered for dinner in the kitchen. After the ball hit two chairs were broken. The end.

[Colleens_Husband]

Anthony Malone had made a blood oath to use his super powers only for good and never for evil. Since his only super power was the ability to hold his breath for a very long time, nobody cared much.

The End.

[Bill]

Bobby Nutton lived on the same block as his best friend, Tony Malone, and drank the same tap water, and prayed for a super-power, too, and his wish was granted, sort of. One day he discovered that he could fly!....but only at an altitude of six inches and a speed matching that of a briskly walking man. He called himself, "Low Flier", and dreamt of the day when he could harness his powers and soar to greater heights so that he could quit stealing his mom's makeup to cover the bruises on his forehead.
The end

[Becky]

As she swung from vine to vine, Jungle Girl pondered how she even got here. She had no father, no family. Where was she from? How did she get here? No matter, her belly was grumbling. Time to dig for grubs.

[Marlys]

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy wuzzy was he?

(PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!)
Love & Hugs,
Marlys

[karen z]

She walked the beach until she could walk no more. She sat down and looked out at the ocean and could feel rather than hear the pounding waves. She no longer remembered how long she had felt like this, so detached and alone. She picked up her book and read.

[PinkGirl]

Slowlee stumbled along the rocky path to grandma's house. "How
did I get separated from my brother Billy?" he mumbled aloud. Relieved,
he finally spotted the house but grandma wasn't home. 'Probably crossed
the border again for flour' thought the cold little tyke.

[Becky]

Carl was in a pickle now. First he cut himself shaving this morning then spilled hot coffee all over his new suit. He knew the presentation wasn't going to go well this morning. Suddenly there was a huge truck in front of him. He swerved and missed it completely but the landscape didn't look right. A chipmuck jumped up on the dashboard and said hi.

[Colleens_Husband]

Carl lounged on the couch clicking through the channels at an epilepsy inducing speed, pausing only briefly on programs with sports, nudity, or large explosions. An all woman jury jury took only three minutes to acquit his wife.

The End.

[Becky]

Grandma loved to cook for her large extended family. Large pans filled with ham, roast beef and potatoes filled the small house with delicious aromas. Emil ate and ate and ate. He choked and died.

The end

[Colleens_Husband]

Betsy and Gill were at the supermarket for their weekly shopping trip. This was like a date for them. They had a few minutes to talk with each other without the children interrupting.

Gill asks, "Do we need more laundry detergent?"

Betsy answers, "I think we have enough to last till next week."

Gill says, "Why don't we pick some up anyway? It's not like the world is going to end and we aren't going to use it."

Later that evening, the world ended and Betsy and Gill were stuck with laundry detergent they will never ever use.

[Bill]

Lol!!! Lee!!!!

[Becky]

The trip to Rhode Island was very successful. Steve was certain that both the new clients he met with were very interested in his overseas company's new product. The product was a piece of equipment that can quickly bundle tubes of adhesive and box them individually. Steve hoped that the machines wouldn't get stuck in customs.

[PatriceH]

Inspired by the story of Fuzzy Wuzzy....This comes to mind:
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

[Colleens_Husband]

Many were called. Few were chosen. George overslept and missed the whole thing.

The End.

[Colleens_Husband]

Jason was a bit of a genius but he had one debilitating defect. He was born without thumbs. Because of this he was a social networking outcast because he couldn't text message or twitter.

Jason went into his laboratory and invented a device that could recognize his voice and convert his words into text. He was so proud of himself. He brought his invention to Ella Sue. Ella Sue was sad because she was blind and couldn't use the new device.

Jason went back into his lab and modified his texting machine so that the text on the receiving end was converted back into a voice. He liked his new machine but the voice didn't sound like him, so he perfected the machine so that the text was converted into a voice that sounded like the sender.

Jason took his invention outside and showed his friends. His friends laughed at him and said, "Jason, you idiot, you just invented the telephone!"

Jason was incensed, "Oh yeah! It's always the same thing. Pick on the guy with no thumbs!"

The End.

[PinkGirl]

Overlooking the ocean, Eubie and Eunice Unicorn were perched
on some large rocks. The recent heavy rains had diminished to a
light drizzle.

"What's that?" said Eunice. "I think it's Noah's arc honey" replied
Eubie.

"Oh crap ... was that today???" sobbed Eunice.

[Bill]

This was her favorite time of the year. She opened her window, lay across the bed, and closed her eyes. The chirping crickets carried her away, and she drifted....to a time when all she had to do was dance and twirl, arms uplifted, in a field of clover....

[PinkGirl]

People are always amazed at how fast Slowlee drives. Yesterday
he was speeding down a highway and was stopped by the police.
"But occifer, I have to drive fast in case I ferget where I'm going!!!"
cried Slowlee.

[PinkGirl]

"But my hand hurts, Billy" cried Slowlee.
"Karate really makes sense" replied Billy. "You never
know when you might get attacked by a board."

Slowlee took a whack at another board. Grandma looked
out the kitchen window, shook her head, and continued
emptying the flour sacks.

[Colleens_Husband]

Alex and Olivia were newly-weds and were deeply in love. They were as one soul intertwined. However, there was one issue that they would never be able to agree upon.

Alex didn't want Olivia folding his sock and putting them away. You see, Olivia came from a family who owned a chain of automobile tire stores. Rotating tires was a value that was a part of her consciousness that she could not ignore. Olivia would take one thin worn out sock and match it with a thicker new sock to encourage more even wear and thus getting most mileage out of each sock.

Alex understood Olivia's tire rotation upbringing, but it was Alex who was forced to walk around in circles all day.

The End.

True Story.

[Colleens_Husband]

Julie's last pair of scissors finally broke and she couldn't repair them. She went to the local fabric store and bought the largest, best built scissors they had. When she gets home she tries to open the package to get the scissors out but the package was made of thick clear death plastic. She tried opening the package with her teeth but only manage to chip a tooth. She then tried to open the package with a kitchen knife but she broke the blade of the knife. Julie thought, "How can I cut through the death plastic?, I know! Perhaps I could use some large, well built scissors.!"

[Colleens_Husband]

Quentin decided it was time for stepping up and performing his moral and civic duty. He went to the local blood drive to donate blood. He learned two important lessons. First, you can only donate your own blood, and second, you can't deliver the blood in a bucket.

The End.

[Unregisteredladypee]

I am new here and these are hysterical!

[Colleens_Husband]

You do realize that the last post will only encourage the crazies!

[PinkGirl]

"This is crazy!!!" Slowlee screamed to Billy. "You can't live here
with Grandma for the rest of your life."

"Why not?" replied the teary-eyed, sniffling Billy.

"Just because ... like ... you have to grow up ... get a job ... move
out of Grandma's house ... like I did."

"But you hate your job Slowlee" whimpered Billy.

"Yea, well, I thought I wanted a career but I only wanted the
pay cheques."

[Colleens_Husband]

Oh and one more thing, there are a lot of 'in' jokes going on around here and everything is funnier than you think. If you read a thread called 'Might need help with Lee', things might make a little more sense. Or not........

[Colleens_Husband]

Jill answered the knock on the door. A seedy little man with a cheap suit was waiting patiently on her doorstep with a tattered briefcase.

"Hello, I am Arnold Armbuster and I am pleased to announce you have won the Grand Prize Giveaway Thingy. May I come in?"

Wary of similar home invasion burglaries in her neighborhood, Jill was prepared. "Do come in Mr. Armbuster."

The seedy little man entered her doorway and Jill reached behind the door and took out her aluminum baseball bat, raised it over her head and bashed in Mr. Armbuster's head.

Two weeks later, Jill received a check in the mail for $20,000 from the Grand Prize Giveaway Thingy.

The end.

[Colleens_Husband]

Melvin was extremely pleased that the town finally erected a statue of him in the middle of the town square. The statue didn't look like him and there was some strange name on the bronze plaque beneath the statue, but that didn't bother Melvin in the least.

The End.

[Colleens_Husband]

Sandy and Wilma, the neighbors across the street, buy the smallest bag of potatoes they can find, but the can't eat them all before they start to go bad. They bring us a half bag of potatoes every now and then so the potatoes don't go to waste. I call them the potato faeries. They brought over half a bag of potatoes but they weren't free-range potatoes. We were polite and accepted them anyways. The End

[PinkGirl]

Toni's friend was very happy to be the successful bidder on an
unframed Ducks Unlimited print. Toni graciously offered to drive her
friend to the church to pay for the print and bring it home to her
husband. When Toni and her friend put the print in the back of Toni's
hatchback the print happened to slide down just as Toni was closing the
door. The print will have to be framed in a "special" way. The End.

[Colleens_Husband]

Elanor started counting her blessings. After she reached No. 43, she realized that she was blessed by not having a big, red, wrinkled butt like the baboons at the zoo. After some reflection she moved the baboon thing up to no. 3 on her list.

The End

[Colleens_Husband]

Miss Emily, the widowed dowager of an immense fortune summoned James, her driver, to the parlor.

"James, you are an excellent driver and you take such great care of the cars, however one Tuesdays, your day off, when I drive the car myself, I hear the most terrible screeching noises when I step on the brakes. James, I want the car fixed and in tip-top order."

"Yes ma'am, I will take the car to the mechanics immediately."

The next week, James was once again asked into the parlor. "James, I thought you were going to get the brakes repaired. Did you take the car to the mechanic?" asked Miss Emily.

"Yes ma'am, I took it to the mechanic and he said the brakes were in perfect working condition, I drove the car around myself for half a day and I heard no such noise."

"That may be true James, but just yesterday I drove the car and tht same terrible screeching noise occurred several times." Miss Emily chided.

"Perhaps if I were to be in the car while you drove it, I could find out what the problem is. It could be the transmission or the drive train."

After the ride James and Miss Emily met in the parlor. "Well James, did you hear that noise."

"Yes I did ma'am."

"So are you going to repair the car?" asked Miss emily.

"No ma'am."

"And why not?"

"Because ma'am, the sound you heard was the primal screams of pedestrians fleeing for their lives."

The End

[Jackie07]

A Mother-in-law is teaching her foreign-born daughter-in-law some 'country' sayings. "For example," she says, "You can not make chicken pie out of chicken doodoo."

"I just did," declares the proud daughter-in-law, "I just helped my husband get his college degree."

True story. :)

[Colleens_Husband]

I wondered why the baseball appeared to get larger and larger. But then it hit me.........

[PinkGirl]

Writing with a dull pencil is pointless.

[PinkGirl]

A seminar on time travel will be held 2 weeks ago.

[chrisy]

Her husband was on a business trip. He was gone for a long long time. She cried herself to sleep. Then he came home.

[PinkGirl]

When the husband came home he took his wife in his arms,
looked deep into her eyes and said "honey, darling, sweetheart, thank you so much for sending me the pb chocolate banana slugs."

[TriciaK]

These are wonderful stories that made me laugh! I thought of a good one and sat down right away to send it , but I couldn't remember the plot because I have chemo brain. On second thought that is probably also why I enjoyed these stories so much! TriciaK

[StephN]

Tricia - You crack me up.

She sat down to write and the thought flew out of her head ...

[Colleens_Husband]

Tricia looked her best friend in the eyes. She admitted "The two worst things about chemo brain is never being able to remember anything for more than a few seconds."

The End

[PinkGirl]

Trica went to a friend's house for tea. She was sitting beside
someone she didn't know. The stranger said "Hi, I'm Margaret ... and
you are????" Tricia replied "How soon do you want to know?"

[Colleens_Husband]

Whatever happened to Daddy, I ask my mother one morning.

Getting two bowls out of the cabinet, she says nothing.

So I repeat the question. Your husband, my father - whatever happened to him?

He forgot the way home, she says as she sets the box of cereal before me.

What?

He went out for milk and never came back.

Oh, I reply. I understand. And satisfied, I chomp on a spoonful of dry corn flakes.

[Colleens_Husband]

When trying to remember how to spell “DVD” try this little trick: “D”eoxyribonucleic Acid may carry out low-frequency collective motion as observed by the Raman spectroscopy and analyzed with a quasi-continuum model (or “V”ibration). Then all you need to think about the father of modern philosophy Renee “D”escartes. Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy.

[Colleens_Husband]

When Henry said that he wanted to be a theoretical physicist everybody laughed. Now he’s a successful Hollywood comedian – who’s laughing now?

[Colleens_Husband]

Randy insisted to himself that one must always look for something positive. "That's the ticket!" he thought to himself as he walked out of the jet airliner, down the gangway to the warm tarmac heated by the bright autumn sun. "Yes indeed, the silver lining of extradition is that you get a free ride home!"

The End

[PinkGirl]

"Fred, you're such a downer. You just said that things will get worser and worser."

"Yep, that's what I said Art. You go from bad to worse and then the cycle repeats itself ... but wine helps."

[Jackie07]

M&M went to her annual MRI for her 20-year brain tumor(s) and then went home to take a nap - she's been taking more naps lately. She called the neurosurgeon's office to check the result two days later thinking "No news is good news." She was told to make an appointment with a radiation oncologist and saw the doctor within a couple of days. She's told Thursday that one of the tumors has the potential to block her CSF flow and will need radiosurgery to curb the growth. The hospital has a state-of-the-art Novalis Tx that will 'zap' the tumor in less than 30 minutes.

[TriciaK]

The best thing about chemo brain, Tricia says, is that you can read books over and over and you're always surprised at how they turn out. It saves a lot of money.

[TriciaK]

It was a dark and stormy night. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Besides, I have a very wet inside-out umbrella to prove it.

[fauxgypsy]

Tears fall, the sun shines. Night will come and day will follow, once again.

[fauxgypsy]

The woman looked slowly at the possibilities, should she go with the Baboon Butt red lipstick? Should she try the Wrinkles Be Gone cream?

[Colleens_Husband]

People called Leonard a monster. Sure he was large. And he was very hairy. The sharp teeth didn't help. Leonard also lived in a cave, and only came out at night to feast on the blood of new born babies, but he had feelings too and this really hurt. Who here is the real monster?

[Colleens_Husband]

The plane was being tossed around like a leaf in the wind. Finally a huge gust from the storm ripped the last engine off the wing of the airliner. The cabin grew deathly quiet as the plane plummeted towards the ground. Shirley leaned back in her seat and thought of how much time she wasted this morning folding the towels. The End.

[Henny]

Everything will be ok in the end
If it's not ok,
it's not the end



(author unkown)

[Colleens_Husband]

"The baby's blood type? Why it's human ................... mostly."

[Colleens_Husband]

Alec looked into the mirror and was crestfallen. The pudgy face with inhumanly long nostril hairs projecting at ninety degree angles to his nose and those crazy bulging eyes protruding from his head were just too much to take. Had he really deteriorated to this? No he hadn't, but his eyesight had. Alec, fed up with it all, tossed the box of Cap'n Crunch back onto the table.

[fauxgypsy]

She slowly looked at the mirror, it looked back. The plaster she had put on earlier was beginning to crack, the baboon red lipstick was faded. The mirror spoke softly, almost tenderly, "what on earth do you have on your face?, it asked."

[TriciaK]

The wicked queen looked into her magic mirror. For almost 100 years it had been there to assure her that she was the most beautiful in the land. Now they were both old and worn. She asked the question again "Oh magic mirror, who is the fairest in all the land?" The mirror answered in a creaky voice "Well, if you think you are, sister, you are as cracked as I am!"

[fauxgypsy]

The mirror smiled slyly. It knew which buttons to push. Maybe a gray hair here, a wrinkle there. It was an old mirror and knew the fears of women. Still, it had a kind side. It would sometimes give her a glow that made her feel quite special.

[TriciaK]

Eventually the extremely talented authors of the extremely short stories for extremely short attention spans decided to put them all together in an extremely short book. The publisher and chief author is known simply as "Colleen's Husband". The little book did extremely well, at least for an extremely short period of time.

[fauxgypsy]

The book did well but had a short run before an even shorter book took its place on the best sellers list. The new book was called
"Lit Bytes: Fiction for those with Extreme ADHD."

[Colleens_Husband]

Micro Stories......... ten words or less...

Her dress came off clumsily. Her head, less so.

[Bill]

"So what did you do?"
"I helped people. I'm Joe"

[sassy]

The Pulitzer Prize in Biography goes to........

Bill, for his biography entitled "I'm Joe."

Subtitled "The Epic Humanitarian"

[PinkGirl]

Lee had a birthday. No one remembered.

[Colleens_Husband]

John went through the mental checklist. 75 feet of parachute chord.... check. Five passports from five countries ..... check. Walter PPK pistol in his holster and four extra clips of ammo ...... check. Satellite communication device disguised as a money clip ... check. Digital camera belt buckle ....... check. Now all he needed was somewhere to go and something to do.

[fauxgypsy]

John went. John did. The end.

[Colleens_Husband]

Helen walked to the corner 7-11 store to buy a Pepsi. As she passed a dark alleyway, a scruffy and smelly man grabbed her purse which contained 78 dollars and five maxed out credit cards, pushed her to the ground, breaking her wrist and scratching her face. Later that day she switched to 7uP.

[Colleens_Husband]

Better Than Divorce

The bull terrier watched the car fishtail and then straighten as it sped away. The dog turned, looked down, and gently licked his master's forehead.

The End

[Colleens_Husband]

The Ransom

Broke and desperate, I kidnapped myself. Ransom notes were sent to interested parties. Later, I sent hair and fingernails, too. They insisted on an ear.

The End

[Colleens_Husband]

As Alec tried to tune out the woman complaining loudly from the passenger seat and the screaming kids in the back of the station wagon, he began to regret stealing this family’s car.

The End

[StephN]

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

[Jackie07]

Bought 4 Lauren by Ralph Lauren bath towels, one Martha Stewart full-sized sheet set, one 3-Qt stainless steel soup pot, and one big, green-colored ball (Christmas tree ornament) All together for a little over $40.00 at Macy's. They are having another 'After Christmas Sale' from 10am to 1pm Monday. (Just an 'extremely short' commercial. :)

[Colleens_Husband]

After raising four sons and having had four grandchildren, Edgar became convinced that Legos were invented by Danish podiatrists.

The End

[Colleens_Husband]

Tears streamed into Wendy's eyes as she neatly packed her two suitcases. She was at a crossroads and she needed some time to think. Carl was a good man but she did not think she could stay married to the type of person who would eat the last three Rice Krispie treats. The End.

[fauxgypsy]

The candy cane was the last of his kind. It was the end. Cellophane crackled. His last thought, everyone sucks.

[Colleens_Husband]

Faux Gypsy:

That was an absolutely brilliant post! Well done!

Lee

[PinkGirl]

I agree ... a brilliant short story ... and she looks fabulous!!!!

[fauxgypsy]

Pink and Lee, Thanks so much. I told a friend that I seem to be obsessed with hair. Personal hair care products just seem to multiply and I now have an iron that makes waves. Which in turn led to another product to keep it from burning my hair. I said it was probably because I was just happy to have hair. Which is me quoting me. A woman I know made a crappy remark about my very short hair at one point and I smiled at her and told that I was just happy to have hair. When someone whispered in her ear about the cancer, she was very embarassed, but some people just don't know when to shut up.

[Marlys]

JOKE
OF THE YEAR














Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

[Colleens_Husband]

As Jeremy was gnawing through the leather straps which bound his hands, he thought to himself, "No matter how much the ink blot on the Rorshach Test looks like two naked nuns chasing an elephant down a long dark tunnel armed with bananas, you are almost always better off answering, 'A butterfly'."

[Jackie07]

'Human' or 'Animal' actually scores better if you look at the orignial pictures used:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rorschach_test

Be careful not to be 'fixed' on the butterfly - it looks like 'moth' which reminds me of the main character in 'The silence of the lamb'... :)

[fauxgypsy]

The silence was breathtaking. She had never imagined a padded cell could be so peaceful. Thank goodness she had said the ink blot on the Rorshach Test looked like two men farting. What a vacation.

[Marlys]

<TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1pt; PADDING-TOP: 1pt" width="100%"><TABLE class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE style="BORDER-COLLAPSE: collapse; MARGIN-LEFT: 31.5pt" class=ecxMsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; WIDTH: 430pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top width=573>One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.





</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
But it was a long time ago, and it was just
that one day.
The End




</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Colleens_Husband]

Chris, who did his NCAA bracket based on the fiercest mascots, picked the Michigan Wolverines over the Florida Gators. Alec had come to the same conclusion choosing the most delicious.

[Colleens_Husband]

Alec’s heart pounded; since childhood, it had been his ambition to gain entrance to a secret society, and tonight was to be his initiation. Insights would be revealed, ancient mysteries laid bare for his inspection. He stood on the dais, black cloak about his shoulders, curved blade held aloft in his right hand, his left holding back the goat’s head. At that moment, the president of the Rotary Club informed Alec that he could simply take his seat.

[Estelle]

Only when she heard the creak of the back door opening did she remember her mother's words to lock the back door.

The End

[fauxgypsy]

Never in her wildest imaginings did she think that when she grew up she would be standing around with her hand inside a turkey. Happy Thanksgiving.