Mixed emotions...survivors guilt

[Soccermom]

Had my 6 mo check up with new Onc on Thurs....no markers , just a manual exam .. she "graduated" me to once a year checkups! Why am I not thrilled?
Today I went to the funeral of a childhood friend who was diagnosed w metastatic lung ca. in Sept. She was a Nurse and non smoker whose own Mom died from same when my friend was 16. I should be used to all the death by now...but each one shakes me to the core.She leaves behind a 10 yo daughter and loving family..
I dont feel like celebrating my own milestone ~ I am still struggling with depression and just cant seem to get over the "hump" and just wanted to say I love and value you all even tho I am "silent" for long periods!

Much love,Marcia
Any suggestions~

[Lien]

It's hard to see friends pass away. Especially mothers of young children. It's hard to be confronted with our own mortality. I have had and still have those kind of moments. I think that now that more women survive breastcancer and live long and full lives after diagnosis, we should look into the psychological consequences and quality of life. Many of us need more help than we are getting.

You need a HUG. Can you feel it coming your way? All the way from the Netherlands, Europe, just for you.

Love

Jacqueline

[Pam P]

Well I'll celebrate your good news from the doctor for you and wish you continued good health. Give thanks and enjoy each day in quiet celebration. Emotions pull us in all directions - relief, grief, depression, saddness, .... I am very sorry about the loss of your friend. Sending a hug from Minnesota. Pam

[Ellie F]

i think Pam has hit the nail on the head about emotions. This bc journey is such a roller coaster. I can be sad, happy, anxious, feeling I am going to die imminently then thinking I can survive and get well, all within an hour let alone a day or week.
I really believe that the emotional aspects of this disease are as painful as all the physical hell we go through. The constant struggle to survive coupled with being stalked by an unseen enemy is often soul destroying.It seems to me that the after effects of bc are very similar to post traumatic stress experienced by soldiers. The problem is that there seems to be very little recognition that this is a widespread problem.
Ellie

[Jean]

Marcia,
I can understand how you feel. Often times I have asked why me? Why did I find my cancer earlier when so many of my dear sisters did not? It is way too painful when considering why some of our sister's are failing on trials and treatments while others are surviving.

None of us on this site are famous or super stars...but I believe that for some reason our life path has crossed and we were meant to do somthing. I really believe that
we are here for a reason and that is to help others.

I too lost a young friend at 28 yrs old to breast cancer 30 yrs ago. It shook me to my core. We were young,
just out of college and on our way starting our careers.
We were both newly engaged - she never made it to the alter.

Since those years I have lost more friends and loved ones. I guess the simple answer is "this is Life."

All I can suggest is think of those we lost often and honor them. Second do all we can to help others who fight this beast. Be positive and never let this ugly nasty disease beat our souls....it does enough to our bodies and minds.

Live your life in love, strength and appreciation for each day.

I hope you begin to feel better.
Kindest Regards,
Jean

[v-ness]

dear marcia - i am sorry for the loss of your friend. i understand how you feel in a way, though not as intensely. my sister's friend was diagnosed with stage 3 triple negative breast cancer about a year and a half ago and because of her experience i started doing breast self exams frequently in earnest and 5 months after a clean mammo found this tumor. at the same time she was experiencing infection problems with her mastectomy over the summer that kept her from getting the reconstruction she wanted. and then 2 months after my diagnosis she was told it had metastasized to her brain. i felt awful for her. she retreated from pretty everyone and everything, but my sister got to see her periodically and brought her the Love, Medicine & Miracles book i liked so much. pam read it and told jen she was visualizing being here in the spring and working in her garden. it didn't work like that, though. instead she died on my very last day of chemo. i wasn't rejoicing being done with chemo anyway, but that certainly put a pall over it. and then at the funeral my mother dragged me over to her mother and tearfully told her "because of pam, my daughter is going to live". i wanted to sink into the ground because this woman had just lost her only daughter. i doubt that seeing me standing there was any comfort. i felt a sense of guilt instead that i know isn't rational. i don't even mention it to anyone in regular life because i doubt they'd understand at all. but here others do know what these kinds of thoughts are like. i'm glad you came and talked about it and hope that you take care of yourself to beat this depression back. valerie

[tricia keegan]

Oh I can relate Marcia, I've lost so many friends to this disease but coming up on five years out myself. I'm glad for me obviously, but we always have a cloud there as we walk such a thin line with this disease as we know it could be us tomorrow.
Nontheless, I think its important we do celebrate these milestones or good test results, and I'm very happy for you but sad for your friend:(
I really wish we knew why some of us do well and other's are taken so early. My friend had a far better prognosis than I, but passed within two years of her diagnosis:)
We just have to keep going and support each other and hope for that cure or good news leading to it!! xx

[Jeanette]

I can relate to this Marcia. I lost my sister and my sister in law within a month of each other this year. I too have lost so many dear friends to this disease. You just have to thank the Lord you are doing well and keep all of our friends and sisters in our prayers. One day , there will be a cure. Jeanette

[Soccermom]

Oh My Goddness... you all "GET" it !
I cant be happy for me when I see others suffering. I know this sounds wrong, but if G-d asked me to chose between keeping my life VS. a mother with children, I WOULD give mine.
No, its not the depression talking,No its not being smug because I havent and most likely will never be asked to make this choice...it because I am "over it"...WHERE THE H*LL IS THE CURE!
And Ellie, "I really believe that the emotional aspects of this disease are as painful as all the physical hell we go through. The constant struggle to survive coupled with being stalked by an unseen enemy is often soul destroying.It seems to me that the after effects of bc are very similar to post traumatic stress experienced by soldiers. The problem is that there seems to be very little recognition that this is a widespread problem.
" You are so very right,I feel like I (and other Survivors) are damaged goods that no one (Medical Professionals) know how to deal with as far as our emotional and even sometimes physical side effects after our treatments,so they dont.
I dont feel like I am living in the same dimension as those who havent experienced Cancer as a patient or caregiver/loved one. When I try and describe to the "others"...this cancer experience they look at me with pity,tell me I should be so proud (WHY?! I didnt DO anything ...I sat there and chemicals pumped into my veins...I laid on a table and had my body parts chopped off...but da*n I didn't DO anything"...sometimes this Survival is a trial of its own.
I know those with advanced disease probably are thinking what a jack*ss I am about right now...cant say I blame them....I am just a lousy example of a Survivor. No longer feel like being a part of the walks,and relays and being paraded in front of media as a "SURVIVOR". I do however LOVE being able to comfort a new BC sister and to be able to say that the chemo and treatments are all "survivable"...but I HATE not being able to be honest and tell them the truth...at least MY truth that there is not always a "happy ending" after the "busyness" of all the hustle and bustle of chemo,rads,surgery and Onc visits is over.
You have all been so eloquent! I know what you are thinking...I need to get help...and I have ...they just dont seem to "get me".
Sigh...thanks for giving me this safe place to express myself!
I am not crazy, just honest.
Hugs and love to all,
Marcia
P.S
V-ness I can imagine how you must have felt, I am so sorry you were put into that position.
Tricia, you are a sweet person...I see your posts on another site and you are so kind to all.
Jean, Thank you! I KNEW I'd have BC since I was 13. In college I did on campus TV and had ACS and Reach to rcovery folks on my programming (in 1976). I have been a patient advocate for 10 years, long before my diagnosis...self fulfilling prophecy? am I that powerful? I think not. I am a R to R volunteer now, Outreach coordinator for FORCE,
have sat in on so many seminars and conferencesfor over ten years. I havent saved any lives (that I know of) at least that would make some sense of all of this.
How can I move on/should I try?
Marcia

[Jackie07]

Marcia,

Thank you for your honesty. You have described a journey to which many of us can relate. You have lived up to the motto listed beneath your signature and showed 'kindness' and done 'good thing' to fellow human being...

Hugs to you, sister. Don't worry about the 'can' and 'should'. All the sisters/brothers here are walking with you and we'll carry you on our shoulders ... Just the way you have carried many of us (and others) when we were feeling 'down'...

[ita]

Oh, Marcia,

If you need help, then I need to be right there with you. "Damaged goods", an "it" (bilat and hyster classifies me well), many times I feel like I didn't have a "bad" enough cancer to give any advice at all. I stay away from forums and return because I cannot turn anywhere else. When I'm in the forums I rarely state my opinion because I have been away for so long. And like you stated I feel like those that have had to deal with advanced disease probably don't want to read my "pity party".
I also dislike the whole "survivor" badge. You are right, we did nothing different that anyone who recurred or worse yet, passed away. Everyday I wait for the other shoe to drop. Everyday I prepare my kids in my own subtle way for mom to not be around. As positive as I believe myself to be, I know that feeling helpless is normal. Sometimes feeling hopeless is too. All I know now is that I cannot control what my DNA can do me. Therefore, I will continue to prepare my kids for a life without mom (be it in the next year or the next 50 years), and live my life still trying to look through my rosed-colored glasses. Because, for me, ignorance is BLISS.
Take good care of yourself. I glad to know myself that we are understood.

Much love,
Ita (gricel)

[v-ness]

i tell you what, marcia, you do more good supporting others with breast cancer than you could ever do by wearing pink and walking for awareness. helping friends and strangers is the real work in the trenches, if you ask me. i don't like the 'survivor' word either - especially since my husband didn't survive. and i used to love pink and now i feel like it labels me to those who know. i need a pin that says "no, i am not wearing pink because of breast cancer, thanks. i just like it, dammit." - valerie

[MJo]

Thank you for posting. It hit home. I am almost a five-year survivor too. A few months ago I started worrying about recurrence. I thought to myself, why in the world are you worrying now? You were caught early. You received aggressive treatment. It's like I didn't have a right to worry at this stage of the game. My aunt just got diagnosed. Maybe that set me off. Life is up and down.

[Lien]

Ita, you said it honestly and beautifully. These feelings are shared by many of us. Living after breastcancer brings lots of mixed emotions, and they pop up at the weirdest times. We just keep on keeping on and we try to do it the best way we can. In the mean time, we sometimes touch others with our words, the way you did just now. Thank you for posting.

Love

Jacqueline

[Soccermom]

Lien, I neglected to Thank you after your first response to me, and YES! I most definitely felt your hug across the miles.

Jackie ,Gricel,MJo,V-ness...thank you all...
Marcia

[caya]

Marcia, I'm sure we all feel these emotions at some point in our "survivorship." I still do the Run for the Cure Walk here in Toronto every year -my two daughters(in their early 20s) and alot of their friends and some neighbours do it with us. Yes, I am the "survivor" in the group, sort of the mascot I guess. Until the cure is found, I will wear pink (always was my favourite colour, a prophecy of things to come I suppose)that day, and any other day I choose to. If that's what it takes to remind people about this horrible disease, and give money to it, I am there.
I don't push it on anyone, but if people ask me, I am more than ready to share my experiences. I too have spoken with the newly diagnosed, and will continue to do so. We all do/say what we feel like, it's all good.

Now go enjoy your seder tonight, have a glass of wine...

xo
all the best
caya

[Soccermom]

THX, unfortunately, no seder as I have no family here to share it with...(just moved here in Aug, not "affiliated" yet :()
The wine sounds good though!
Marcia