Touchy subject here

[Sherryg683]

Ok, I am going to ask my Her2 sisters about this. It's not the cheeriest of subjects. My husband and I have been getting along dreadfully for the longest and I am sick of it. I am tired of his anger issues and yelling. I feel like I am pretty much stuck in this awful hell because I have never worked and need his medical insurance. Being a stage IV and having life long herceptin and regular scans, I could in no way get the care that I get now in the charity hospital here. I have a young daughter and I have to stay alive for her till she's grown. After that I may say "screw it" and leave. Has anyone else faced these issues and how do you handle them. Other than that, I have remained healthy and am blessed ..sherryg

[Believe51]

Oh Lovey, I am so sorry that you are dealing with such issues. Seems to me that fighting to beat breast cancer is hell all by itself and should exclude you from any other fighting. I do not have the advice you seek but I am sure someone, somewhere does. I send you a hug and let you know I wish I could be by your side.

What I do know Sherry is that when we face the most challenging parts of our lives and feel doomed, look into your heart for it holds the answer. I think the most difficult part of this is when children are involved. Whatever you chose I have faith will be what is best for all parties involved. As for the medical, Ed lost his when he was unable to work. Besides some of the hoops we had to jump through, he has gotten the care he deserves....and this is Rhode Island!! The rest will work through somehow, it always does, sometimes though, it is not easy.

You are a lovely person Sherry and someone who has fought so hard to conquer cancer. I believe you deserve peace and happiness at the least. Only beauty and love should surround you today and always. I pray for the clarity you will need to see this through. I know your strength and feel that given time you will do what is best. Remember to include what you desire and deserve in life to help you with any decisions you may have to make. Here is to you making the choice that will bring you the gifts of life that you are entitled to. I love you.>>Believe51

PS: If you need reinforcements let me know, lately I am a force to be reckoned with!! (smiling)

[Cal-Gal]

Dear Sherry,

I am single and dealing with this cancer nonsense by myself-so I cannot give advice as to what to do about a spousal situation--

I will however send positive thoughts your way that you have the strength you need to remain NED-healthy and strong for you and your daughter.

I do know that as trite as this sounds, I do believe that everything will work out for you. I wish for you to be NED for many years to come so that you can enjoy not only your child but your grandchildren too--(they are a blessing--I am 53 and have 7 grandkids!!!!)

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

[ElaineM]

I am sorry to read your news Sherry. I don't know anything about dealing with cancer and family issues at the same time, but I think Joe posted something about disability rights recently. If you can look for that post and get the website address and check to see if they might have something about family issues and disability.
Is there someone (nurse or other professional) at your doctor's office or hospital who can suggest someone you can talk to in your area--------like a social worker or counselor who might be able to suggest resources in your area or help you and your family in other ways.
You mentioned you did not work outside your home. I wonder if you can still apply for social security disability?
Then after two years you would probably get Medicare.
Good luck. Hugs to you.

[SoCalGal]

I would say you should get a private consultation, pay in cash, with a top notch divorce attorney and see what your options really are. Write down a list of questions and buy an hour of someone's time.

Have you tried couples counseling? It can be quite helpful or marriage encounter weekends? You have built a life together and did vow "till death due us part". If you can salvage your marriage that would be the best for all. A long term marriage with kids, divorce is so much more than the breaking up of two people. It is a ripple in the center of a pool (your kids, family and friends) and the ripples are felt by many. This ripple effect affects even your community.

I will be supportive of whatever path you walk, just wanted to say that wishing to be divorced is gravely different than going thru that divorce and watching it rip up your life and the life of your kids.
Flori

[AlaskaAngel]

I very much admire the simplicity and dignity of your post.

Thank you to Joe and Christine for providing a place where diverse and friendly discussion about sensitive topics is so aptly provided.

If you have access to visit a support group for people dealing with spousal abuse, consider going to that source, even if only to see whether it offers you meaningful help for deciding what things others have learned in that situation. You can choose whether to continue to explore that avenue or not, but the key is to explore possible alternatives. Feeling blocked in not knowing how to make things better in your life is not helpful in dealing with breast cancer. Consider opening some new doors even if you decide after looking in and listening a bit that some of them aren't what you are interested in. Support groups (like this one) who are going through what you are going through are priceless, not only in terms of refuge and solace but in terms of new friendships and perspectives.

AlaskaAngel

[rl2]

check with lawyer in your state, but you can probably legally separate without a divorce and remain on his health insurance.

And if there is health insurance reform, hopefully you (and everyone else) will be able to get an individual policy even in the event of a divorce (or unemployment or any other change that forces any of us off a group policy) - if that happens, you could try to get payment of the benefit as part of a property settlement.

[Mary Jo]

Sherry, I'm sure it took a lot of courage to post this here. I'm glad you did. Your feelings are real and if you are unhappy you are unhappy.

I would ask if you and your husband have really sat down and discussed, in depth, what's on your heart... his as well. Does he know you'd like to end the marriage? Does he? Possibly he's feeling as unhappy as you are and you are both masking your true feelings?

Sherry, I pray you seek good counsel before you end your marriage. Coming from a divorced home (in which my parent's definitely should have divorced - cheating - alcoholism etc) I can attest to the fact (as Flori said) it is no walk in the part for the children. If you and your husband do decide to go ahead with a divorce, I do pray you both work together, civally (spelling?) for the sake of your child.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be incredibly sad each day to carry on with a heart that is heavy and unhappy.

Praying you feel guidance as to where you should turn and what you should do....

Hugs and love,

Mary Jo

[MJo]

I think the idea of seeing a good lawyer is great. Also, a legal separation which will keep you on his insurance, give you a chance to apply for disability, try living apart, etc. I hope your husband will be reasonable (!).

[suzan w]

Even though it has already been said, I agree that a good attorney should be able to make sure that even if you do split with your husband, because you have never "worked" (although it is so unfair that Moms don't get credit for all the "work" we do!), that you should be able to maintain your lifestyle for the most part, especially as far as health insurance goes. My english teacher just spoke to me from the beyone about my run-on sentence!!! Good luck! Living in an unhappy place is not healthy for you or your kids.

[Shobha]

Dear Sherry,

Your situation is a difficult one and for the sake of your young daughter you do need to stay alive for many more years! For this you do need a good insurance and your children will have a very difficult time if you get divorced.

The only way to deal with an argument or someone yelling at you, is to NOT react...walk away for a few minutes. Make sure you cannot hear what he is saying otherwise you will be provoked into responding. This is by no means a trivial task, but try to practice this and it will reduce your stress and slowly he will calm down too.

The idea of seeing a marriage counsellor is good. Like Flori said, wanting to get divorced and actually going through a divorce are very different.

As always my prayers for you to find peace and harmony at home. This cancer battle is hard enough and you should not have to deal with this issue as well.

hugs and positive thoughts,
shobha

[lkc Gumby]

Dear Sherry, I am so sad to read your post. Why is it that having Breast Cancer can bring out the worst in spouses, and sometimes relatives?
I pray that you somehow can resolve this. (either with him or without )
I have always been thankful, I was not married to my ex when i was diagnosed .He would of walked out cold.
Anyway, I pray that you continue to be healthy, enjoy your little one, and life gets better for you.

[ElaineM]

Couples or family counseling might be good. Also can you talk to him and suggest he see his doc for a check up to see if there may be a physical problem causing his stress, anger and yelling? He may not want to go. Sometimes guys don't like to go for check ups unless they are in bad shape.
I might put a little "secret" money aside every week from the household budget (whatever you can afford---even a few dollars a week or throwing loose change in a jar that can be hidden someplace might help), which will help pay for whatever I decide to do if I were in your position. That gives a person a few more more options.

[Ruth]

Dear Sherry:

What a brave thing to do is come out and admit this. It is such a hard thing to do, I know personally and sometimes in hindsight I wish I had talked about what my prior marriage was all about. I did talk to a therapist but kept all the private thoughts private with family and friends and it was quite a shock for everyone when I decided it was enough and I was done. I was you about 4 years ago and after therapy and lots of soul searching I am now divorced from my Ex and married to Mr. Wonderful! It wasn't an easy road and it certainly wasn't easy on the kids (or anyone) but we have all come out of it OK. Kids are thriving, happy campers and love life. My situation may not be the norm but it worked out for me and we are all in a good place (ex included).
Now about insurance, you legally are entitled to COBRA for 36 months following a divorce. Same health insurance you have now but premium paid by you. However, you can have your husband pay for it in the settlement agreement (my ex is an attorney & I was stay at home mommy). From then on things do become more tricky. What state do you live in? Some states have conversion policies and it doesn't mean that you won't get insurance as long as you don't have a break in coverage of more than 62 or 63 days. That said you HAVE to always pay the COBRA and never let it lapse. I am on a state mandated conversion policy.
Counseling is a great idea because I think in many cases counseling saves many, many marriages. Talking about it really helps and if you are to the point where you don't like him anymore then you really need to go asap to talk to someone. My therapist said that love feelings can come back but liking someone again after not caring is much harder.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this and having cancer diagnosis is enough stress on someone. Divorce is very stressful no doubt but living in a toxic relationship is destoying in its own way. I always remembered that I didn't want my kids to think that my prior marriage was what a marriage was all about. I was worth more than how I was treated. One of my sons said to me a few months ago that he got it now. He understood why and that he accepted it. You can pm me anytime and I'd love to help.
Hugs ~ Ruth

[Cannon]

Ok, I am coming with a different perspective. I was divorced 4 years before my bc diagnosis. When I was dx, I was SO grateful that I was already divorced, because my ex is one of those who would have left me (no breasts? what? what about me?).

I had already built other strong relationships, and found support in many places. My ex was a peach during my treatment, cause he likes to be a hero (and though the divorce was contentious, he did not wish me dead, if only for the kids' sake).

My younger son (now 15, 8 at the time we got divorced) was VERY angry at the time, but has adjusted over time. I knew I had to leave the marriage because I could not live in a situation where I was treated poorly and let my kids believe that was ok.

My parents' marriage was very tense, and they separated and reconciled when I was 15. I was angry when they RECONCILED, cause it was that bad. They eventually divorced when I was 25.

IMHO, a bad marriage does no one any good.

A consultation with a lawyer is a good idea. Entirely likely that you could get child support, and alimony. I think other posters are right that to be on his insurance you still have to be married, but I believe you can be on it via COBRA for 18-36 months due to divorce (and who pays for it is something to be negotiated).

It's not me, but I think that if it were, I would be determined to live my best life -- without someone who is adding to my stress.

Best wishes always,
Rebecca

[DanaRT]

Dear Sherry, You are getting really good advice here. You may be entitled to more than you realize if you seek out good counsel. Although, I was young I remember feeling relieved when my parents divorced.

Sending good energy,
Dana

[Lori R]

Sherry,
Here is one more vote for marriage counseling. If you express to your husband that there are aspects of your relationship that you would like to work on and he agrees to go, that is a HUGE sign that he wants the marriage to work. I would suggest the counseling question rather than a confrontational question such as "do you want to remain married"? (a question a threw out on the table when hurt and frustrated)

My cancer diagnosis caused me to rethink my marriage and I was shocked when my husband agreed to attend. Now I wish that we had pursued this years ago. (OK....this is one of cancers gifts) Turns out a lot of our frustrations were due to poor communication and the way in which we approached each other.

Guaranteed....we could not have worked through some of our feelings without a "referee" to help us keep the discussions positive and loving.

Please ask him...it will be painful at first but I can only imagine the pain of a divorce.

Just another perspective.....Lori

[Unregistered]

Hello,

I hope you do consider counseling for you and your husband. My husband is my absolute best friend and at one time our marriage went through the ringer. I do believe that going through a crisis defines a person and shows their true character. It is no secret that often marriages crumble during times of illness but at one time you and your husband were inlove you can refind that love. He must want to work on things too. I shudder to think where I would be and where my family would be if I had just given up on my marriage. It would have been the easier thing to do but we got through it. And we are all better for it. We both know how important our family is and that our children are happy and stable. I wish you both well, may God bless you all, alaina

[Believe51]

Sherry, I am just sending you more love today. It was so nice to read all of the wonderful advice from our sisters. I will keep you in heart as you sort things through and make those decisions to improve your lives. Peace to you>>Believe51

[Chelee]

Sherry, I'm not sure my situation is as bad...but my husband definitely has anger issues & a bad temper. It's very difficult to put up with at times. I'm on disability & like you I feel stuck! If I left there is no way I could live on what disability pays me...impossible. Plus I'm in the same boat...I'm covered through my husbands insurance, & since being dx with cancer I can't afford health insurance. (I would be entitled to medicare but I really don't want to lose the coverage I have now.) Big difference between the two.

There has been alot of good advice here but if your husband is anything like mine....counseling is out of the question...my husband refuses. He says he does not believe in it. (Just an excuse & it shows me how little he cares.) I use to have an escape planned which was moving back home with my Mother...but she passed away with advanced lung cancer not quite two yrs ago so now I have no where & nobody. I've went through this cancer nightmare all alone. I feel so isolated at times. My husband did alot of yelling through it. I realize he was tired and it isn't easy on him...but having cancer was NEVER on my "things to do list".

Flori's idea of seeing an attorney and finding out what all your options are is one of the best suggestions IMO. To be honest...I've done that in the past...and it did help. I'm in CA so this is a community property state so I would do ok in more ways then I first thought. The divorce attorney I went to had a good reputation & I was surprised that he gave me 45 minutes of his time at no charge. We covered alot of ground in that time & it helped me immensely. That's the best direction to go if your husband will not go to counseling with you.

Also the suggestion to put money away is a GOOD one. I started doing that right before I was dx with bc. Then I felt jinxed...the first time in my life I had a nice stash tucked away I was dx with bc. :( It makes me feel good to know it's there...but sad to know I might never get to use it.

My heart really goes out to you Sherry...I'm sure I can relate to some of what you’re dealing with. I've read other posts of yours in the past & was sad to see how similar our husbands sound.


Sending a big hug your way.

Chelee

[sarah]

Hello Sherry,
So sorry to hear this but many people, myself included, go through relationship problems.
I would urge you to take anti-depressants.
you could also try to speak to a couple counselor.
I found being on Femara, which blocks all estrogen, I became easily upset. I now take anti-depressants and agree immediately with my husband if we have different opinions about something. sort of don't sweat the small stuff. I'd argue about a major thing but most things really aren't that important.
also try meditation and yoga - yoga breathing is very calming.
Think more about living and less about your illness. don't watch the news or Fox Tv, only good movies and read books - the best escape.
Remember you loved each other once and he's scared and men are not nurturers by nature but now find that thrown at them. talk more to your girlfriends and have friends over for tea or a drink (not dinner too tiring for you).
Hope this passes soon.
maybe a trip somewhere?
hugs and love sarah

[loveher]

Hi Sherry,

I'm not qualified to give any advice but i felt compelled to reply because my mom has gone through this for the past 10 years that she has been sick. Just wanted to say that I share your frustration. and from a daughters perspective, please take care of yourself! you have to stick around for many many more years.

[Sherryg683]

Thanks for all the wonderful advise and concern. I have been married 27 years to this man and this has been going on for 27 years. He's not physically abusive and most of the time is a good guy, although very moody. He's just loud and when gets angry tries to intimidate with his screaming. I am not one to be intimidated so we end up fighting, im just tired of it. We have been through counseling more than once and it helped once but we always seem to slip into old habits. I am just almost at the point where I don't want to talk about stuff that we've hashed and rehased many times. I just want someone who I can have fun with and I think he intentionally tries to sabatoge me enjoying myself...i really do believe this. I guess at anytime of your life there are going to be both good and bad things going on. It's better to focus on the good and sort of try to put the bad out of your mind. We did have a talk this morning after 4 days of not speaking to each other and things are better until the next time we have a blow up. I do not think that I am ready to go out and have to get a minimum wage job and try to pay insurance policies and raise my little girl and go to charity hospitals, so I guess I am going to have to work on making what I have peaceful. He is not a physical threat to me or my little girl, he just makes me so damn mad I could spit. Someone gave me the advise to just walk away in these times and that's probably what I should do. I'm just a fighter myself, which Is why I think im still alive, and its hard for me to walk away from anything. But thank you all...sherry

[Believe51]

Sherry, I am so pleased to hear that you feel a bit better today. I am sending love to you and prayers that you can find the peace you deserve.>>Believe51

[sarah]

Dear sherry,
sounds like you need couple counseling, if he'll go along with that.
so sorry to hear about this but as I mentioned in another post, it's quite common to have problems in relationships. men are not natural nuturers and therefore resort to their hunter instincts of survival.
take an anti-depressant, if you aren't already and maybe he should go and visit some relatives for a while or you should have someone close to you come and stay for a while.
emotions are so raw with cancer and frightening, no one knows what exactly is the right thing to do or say and men are particularly unprepared for this.
talk to your friends, a counselor or whomever and try to get rid or your anger and frustration and try to learn that he is the way he is and so find acceptance or......? separation and divorce? a hard road to follow and emotionally draining and what about the children?
I think many of us have felt this during our treatment and wondered if we wouldn't be better alone or whatever but in the end you must remember that although he's not ill, he's going through a feeling of helplessness and men don't handle that well. they like to be in charge and dictate and now nothing works and their impotent - sex is another issue.
big hug and love, try to understand his species!
love sarah

[Ruth]

Sherry ~

Glad to hear that you will have a little peaceful time. I have a hard time thinking that it is all your responsibility and you need to take medication, be more understanding, walk away from arguments and go to counseling. I personally believe that there are many men out there who are absolutely fantastic and you don't need to fix yourself to get along with. Whats wrong with you other than you don't like to get yelled at? Who does???
I don't think you need to change yourself to make peace. You are dealing with a cancer diagnosis for crying out loud. He needs to speak to someone who can help him understand how to be a better husband in these circumstances! He needs to step up to the plate be the understanding one, kind one and considerate one ~ marriage is a two way a street. What made me sad in the last message was that you felt that you couldn't have fun with him and that he sabatoges it. None of us live in the home with you but if you are unhappy please help yourself. Don't accept it because you feel you have no options. There are always options in life.
These are my personal opinions and I understand that not everyone may agree with me.
Sending lots of hugs ~ Ruth

[R.B.]

Re moody

I know this sounds trite but I have spent 4 year nerding on the subject written a book, and am just finishing a total rewrite.

http://her2support.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=24410&highlight=greek+diet

Excess Omega 6 and lack of Omega 3 increases aggression. There are several trials showing fish oil will reduce "aggression". It is also important to get adequate minerals (fish shell fish seaweed) and there is a trial in a prison population showing that helps too.

A tablespoon a day even two of a good quality fish oil, and cut the Omega 6s right down, but if on heart medication blood thinners please talk to a doctor first.

DHA helps increase serotonin, dopamine, and reduce noradrenaline.

Excess Omega 6 can upset hormone production and in general terms increased testosterone plus low serotonin = moody

[juanita]

just sending you lots of hugs!

[chrislmelb]

Hi there, i may know where you are coming from and i did leave my marriage. We tried counselling etc but i decided as i was getting NOTHING positive out of the relationship it was no used continuing. He also was unemployed so i wasn't even living off his wage. Luckily in Australia i know that i will get the best of care in a public hospital which is government funded. I have no mets but i know that if i did, i would still get the same excellent treatment as someone privately insured. Some people choose to go public as they tend to be more in tune with things as they are teaching hospitals.
I can understand where you are coming from re health insurance, it must be very hard and i can see why you want to hang in there.
Good luck