Whew! Big scary and emotional day...

[Pam P]

1. Saw the doctor today. My ca2729 rose almost 200 pts from last month, from 392 - 570. Not good news. This test seems to be a good indicator in my case. I've been on Gemzar/herceptin/zometa now only since the end of Feb. Markers fell from 590 to 390 & now in 1 month climbed right back. I was praying I'd get a long run on gemzar - for me it has been without any nasty side effects. But only 4 months - NOT FAIR! The plan is stay on gemzar for this coming month, (3 more treatments then another tm test). Then I have a pet/ct on July 21 & see doctor again on July 23 to go over results. Of course he's already talking about switching chemos. He mentioned either abfrazane/herceptin, taxol/carbo/herceptin, ixempra/herceptin or doxil. At least I have some options left. I'm scared and panicky again With this hanging over my head & wondering what the scans will show it will be a tough month. I know I need to enjoy each day and not let the what if's rob me of the NOW but so much easier said than done.

2. As you know if you've read my recent posts I've been deliberating (agonizing) over whether to take a medical leave of absence and apply for disability insurance. I gave myself a deadline of today when I saw the dr. to decide. I brought the paperwork along he needs to complete and I gave it to him. And then I went to work & gave formal notice of my request for a leave effective July 1. YIKES! I did it.... like jumping off a cliff into the unknown. I'm obsessing over the thought that my deciding to do this is an unwitting move to prepare for a rapid downhill slide in health due to the above tm news. Not logical I know, but my mind is going there.

3, I met a woman, Debbie Gardner, about 7 yrs ago at a bc support group meeting. We've been friends ever since (I almost said bosom buddies - pun intended). She and her husband go to FL for the winter & come home in May. It just occured to me I hadn't heard from her & its the end of June. I called & her husband told me she died on May 12. Oh, what a blow. She had multiple involvement in bones, & organs, but had a decent scan in March.... things happened fast I guess.

I'm headed for my 3rd glass of wine (very rare for me!). Thank you dear friends for listening.

[StephN]

Dear Pam -
It all seems strange at this moment, but you have closed one chapter and are opening another. That does not mean that things will "slide," but it is a time of adjustment. Part of that adjustment is for you to redirect your energy to concentrate on your body's efforts to fight and heal.

There is a nice soft mattress at the bottom of that short cliff. Easy landing.

Very sorry about your friend. Bad timing to find out what happened to her. You still have many of us who are still around to bug you!

I'll join you in that glass of wine ...

[Cal-Gal]

Dear Pam,

I will hold positive thoughts and prayers for your healing and for a good outcome of your scans next month.

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

[Believe51]

Uuuuuuugh! Pam, I am sorry to hear of the newest of fights but I will not allow you to get too down about it. With the last several months being a full time research job and the DFCI visit with Dr Burstein, no I will not let you get too sad. I seen so much hope and I look at just some of the ideas your doctors has. No, you do still have options Lovey. Let me know if I can help you in any way, please.

As for jumping off the cliff feeling, sometimes jumping off is the best gift you can give yourself. I have faith things will fall into place with your patience and a little time. Keep yourself focused and busy for now as you move forward. We will all be here for you as you adjust to many new things in your life. I am sincerely sorry about the loss of your friend, Debbie. None of my words could even start to help you with this.

Please hang in there and remember to give me a shout if you need anything I can help you with.>>Believe51

[WomanofSteel]

Sorry about the loss of your friend. Take this time to concentrate on your own healing now that you don't have to worry about work.

[Jean]

Dear Pam,
I was sad to read about your friend Debbie, as you wrote it was a terrible blow. We never get used to the emotion of the sadness when losing a sister.

Please take this time from work and as a healing time.
Do some of the things you could get to when working, like taking nice fun walks, reading some great books,
and relaxing.

Your new treatment will do the job of crushing those pesty cells. The mind helps heal the body, so rest your body and feed your soul.


Hugs,
Jean

[caya]

Pam,

Please think of your decision to stop working as a window opening, so you can concentrate on your treatment and healing yourself.

Sounds like your dr. has many options for you, and I know that one of them will work. Take each day at a time, we will be there for you.

I too offer my condolences on the loss of your friend.

all the best
caya

[ElaineM]

I am sorry to hear about your news and your friend. However, there does seem to be several options, so hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[Jackie07]

Pam,

When you are 'free' from work, do remember to stay active - exercise and keep yourself mentally sharp. Work can be a burden during treatment, but it's not without benefit. You might want to make a schedule for yourself at home so you will have a routine to go by.

Sorry about the loss of your friend.

[Mary Anne in TX]

Pam, I'm seeing you as so dog gone brave! I think you're making the move to take really good care of yourself. Wow, it's hard to shift from "working wonder" to self care, isn't it? But I think you're running with courage! I'm so sorry to hear that your friend has earned her wings, Pam. But I'll bet your friendship has been a real blessing to you both.
I'm prayin' that you and the doctor hit the right choice the very 1st time on finding the chemo that will knock the socks off those pesky bc cells.
Peaceful moments to you, Pam. ma

[Terri B]

Pam,

I'm thinking about you, and praying for you. Poor thing. What a double whammy. You are strong.

[Patb]

Pam

Thinking of you and hope now you will have time to
devote to the good fight and rest and renew. I am
so sorry about your friend. Wine is good sometime.
patb

[Shobha]

Praying hard for you, dear Pam! I am so sorry to hear about your friend. May God give you the courage to fight on and win this battle!

love,
shobha

[chrisy]

Wow Pam,
that is definitely an emotional day. Any one of those things would be too much for a normal person to handle - good thing you are extraordinary.

As I recall, your long considered decision to go on disability was to give yourself the opportunity to do what YOU need and want to do for your well being. That doesn't sound like signing up for a license to slide. I really admire your decision and the courage it took to make that jump.

Hope by now that you have finished with the wine and moved on to chocolate...

Hang in there my friend.
Chris

[tricia keegan]

Hi Pam,

Somewhere in the world it's time for a drink, I'll join you in a glass as it's 8pm here in Ireland and celebrate your new lady of leisure status:)
I think now you've done it, deep inside you're taking the time you know you need whether to rest relax or do what makes you happy. I did the same and never regretted it despite the drop in income. It sounds like you need, and deserve a break so don't feel guilty about allowing yourself one.
I'm very sorry to hear about your friend too, it's sad when we lose touch with someone and sadly find the reason is this damned disease has robbed them of years.
I'll be thinking of you..slainte!http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_28_125.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZSfox000%283%29)

[Pam P]

Thank you to each of you for your kind words and encouragement. I'm putting myself through torment on the job decision and the fear of what the cancer is up to. Breathe, breathe, focus on the moment, one day at a time... I'm trying to do this!

[Mary Anne in TX]

Hey Pam! I'm wishing for something really sensationally fun to stop by and pay you a visit soon. You deserve a break, girl! I must admit that in the past year I have lost all confidence in my ability to make decisions....the great decider herself!
You can do this! ma

[Mary Jo]

Pam after reading your post all I wanted to do was come here to give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on. You need that. A good cry is cleansing (along with a few glasses of wine)

Pam, I'm sorry that this day was so bad. Please know I care and my hugs and heartfelt love are truly "real."

Love and blessings,

Mary Jo

P.S. Tomorrow is a new day....grab a hold of it ..... talk to God and move forward. My prayers go with you.

[Ceesun]

Pam, I am sorry for the loss of your friend. It gives me the same feeling as when we lose someone here. I think your decision to put a hold on work is a good one-take time for yourself. xo Ceesun

[michka]

Pam, it must sure be a difficult move. I am convinced that if you decided to stop working , it is because it is a good step for you. I am sorry about your friend. It must be difficult thinking about her and then finding out the terrible news.
Stay strong. (I know, easy to say).I will be thinking of you and hoping for good scan results. Love, Michka

[suzan w]

fighting cancer is a job in itself...the most difficult and important job...thoughts and prayers going out to you and also hoping for good news on your scans

[Sheila]

Pam
I was so sad to read your post this morning...happy for you on the disability, as I know its a hard decision...anytime there is a big change in anything in OUR lifes, it seems difficult. I am also sorry to hear about your friend...the loss of a friend is a big bump in the road on our journey...I lost friends 2 years in a row in June to this disease, I refuse to lose anymore! I am hoping that the next treatment will be the one...I also know what the treatment merry go round is like...I am also constantly getting on and off it! Enjoy your wine, eat some chocolate and know that you are loved and have a million prayers going out for you each day...may this week be brighter for you dear friend!

[Diane H]

That's a tough, tough week to handle.
How hard to lose your friend, and have to deal with the other issues.
Only you can decide on the disability option but it sounds awfully good to me.
Sending you hugs,
Diane

[Joan M]

Pam,

I'm sorry to hear about your friend Debbie. A good friend of mine from my local bc support group died last year -- she was triple negative. When we first started the group both of us were early stage. And the news of your tumor marker at the same time is very trying.

Keep in mind that sometimes markers go up and there's nothing on a scan. (And the opposite can happen too. In my case, between my lung and my brain, my markers have always been normal. Go figure.)

But amid all this, congratulations on your decision to formally retire. I know it was a major step but you've really done your homework on being able to make a go of it. My next glass of wine will be a toast to your retirement.

Joan

[vickie h]

Pam,
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I, too, lost my best friend months ago and it has taken me this long to come back to the boards and post. I was just devastated.
I am happy about your retirement and disability sounds good to me, too. I'm raising a glass of wine in honor of your decisions and praying that tomorrow will be a better day for you. Again, I'm so saddened to hear of your friend's passing. she is with the angels now.
Love and Hugs,
Vickie

[Catherine]

Hi Pam,

What a huge decision. From the wisdom of those who have already posted, it sure seems that you made the right decision. Everyone is saying concentrate on yourself. You could not have a bigger village than right here. We are all with you in this tough decision. I too would add, to get yourself a weekly schedule as soon as you can. Going from a full-time career to being home everyday can get old quickly and can even feel confining. I am happy that you will have more time to devote to yourself and family and friends. Drink the coffee, smell the roses and keep sipping the wine. (no longer necessary to feel bad if you are late for work, or if your report is not ready.....)

Sipping right along with you, Catherine

[Pam P]

Thank you everyone for your encouraging posts and support and suggestions.

Today is the day I announce to the staff at our weekly meeting that I will begin my leave of absence tomorrow. It's roughly 15-20 people depending on who's here. Only 4 already know. Hoping I don't cry, but I've had to tell it a few times now & each time it's a little easier. I don't know if I've mentioned before, but I work for a church, so after today the word will spread and there will be lots of talk & lots of questions so I'll be telling it to individuals over and over. I've been on staff at the church for 25 years & I'm a member there too so I'll not be leaving per se. 3000 members, many I've worked closely with on committees, projects, etc. and many have become good connections and friends. So I'll have lots of support, but this will be big news on the grapevine in the next few weeks.

I am treating myself to a trip to Santa Cruz CA July 10-20 to visit my cousin. It's wonderful there & right on the ocean, paradise you might say. So that will be a good transition time.

Then I come back & have my scans on July 21 & see the dr. on the 23rd to learn my new plan of attack for chemo etc.

So most of July is accounted for. Then if I have to change chemo drugs I can begin that without the stress of the FT job too. I am hoping to start a weekly routine in August - do more water aerobics at the Y. I used to go 2-3 times a week, but haven't for a long time so will get back to that and also will try out the yoga classes offered there. One step at a time.

So here I go with another big day - last day of full time work. (Unless my disability is denied then I'd be back full time in the fall, but I doubt that will happen.)

[Sheila]

Pam
Here is hoping today went well for you...I know how tough the decision was....I think you made the right one....you are in my thoughts!

[flynny]

You have had to make some difficult decisions, however this can help you with your healing and moving forward. It is time to concentrate on YOU! I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and I can't imagine how upsetting that news was for you. I know she is sending good thoughts down to you.

[Believe51]

Pam, I stopped by to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. I am happy to hear of your plans, especially because those decisions were not easy for you to come to. I am also very pleased of your transition vacation you planned. If there is anything I can help you with in the future let me know. Thinking about you Pam and wishing for your complete happiness.>>Believe51

[Pam P]

Thank you, Marie, Sheila & everyone for continuing to check in and offer encouragement. So far so good. "Last day" at work went okay on Tues. So far so good. Treatment this morning, then instead of working the rest of the day... who knows, maybe a nap!

[Mary Jo]

Just wanted to offer you a hug and my support Pam.

Love and Peace,

Mary Jo