Terrified now that I'm 'healthy'

[Savta]

That's it. I finished my year of herceptin. I had a mammogram. All is well. I am told I am cancer free.
So why am I so anxious? I find myself on the verge of tears all week.
I will be meeting with my oncologist next month-my quarterly visit--but, they keep telling me, that's it. I am now 'healthy' and to go back to my life. How do you get that through your mind? It's easier to come back for treatments, than to abandom them!
When do I start believing that I am really o.k.?
My family doesn't get me. I was cool these past 15 months through the treatments, surgery, radiation. Now that I made it through everything--with no complications--panic has set in. Anyone else been through this?

[WomanofSteel]

I think even though the treatment is tough and scary we somehow find comfort in knowing we are doing battle. We go through a routine everyday, week and month. Now it is time to take a deep breath and find a new routine. One that includes being happy and healthy and spending time with that family of yours. It will be ok. You just need a new security blanket.

['lizbeth]

Savta,

I feel your panic. In June I will finish my year of Herceptin. I would feel much better if I got in a clinical trial for a Her2 vaccine. I don't ever want to have breast cancer again. Yikes!

[Colleens_Husband]

As Colleen's caregiver, I feel that as long as treatments are ongoing, then we are fighting cancer. For better or worse we are at least doing something. Cancer is a sneaky bastard. So all of a sudden are we supposed to declare victory and hope that cancer is truly and finally dead and not just playing possum? Frankly, I don't trust cancer. The tumor grew because it tricked the immune system in the first place.

So Savta, I know exactly what you are feeling. But your well trained doctors are still going to be looking diligently for the cancer's return. You will be having regular doctor visits for years to come and that is the first thing your doctor will be looking for. Cancer is sneaky but your doctors are on to its tricks.

You should continue to be vigilant but take comfort that your medical team used everything in their toolbox to get rid of it.

I don't know if this is any comfort to you, but I think it is much better to have a healthy suspicion of a life threatening enemy.

Lee

[juanita]

you aren't completely on your own yet. your drs will be watching you for awhile yet. i know how you feel though. in september i will be 5 years out and i still wonder if i did everything i could.

[Vi Schorpp]

Post-Treatment Transition Can Be Scary for Cancer Survivors (http://her2support.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=194219#post194219)

I'm sure there are other good links you can search for, but this was one I remembered reading...

[Savta]

Thanks for all the support. I know--in my head, all of you are right. But it's convincing my heart that is the problem. Crazy after being so optimistic throughout the whole 15 months of treatments and surgery. I am curious to hear what the oncologist will tell me as to what she'll be doing for follow up. But I have decided, once there is a plan (and no plan may also be a plan...) I want to go on a whopping huge, fun vacation with my husband! Somewhere far from cancerland!
Vi Schorpp, thanks for the link.
Let's keep holding hands and pass along the strength!

[chrisy]

Satva,
I think you are experiencing normal "post traumatic stress". I had this happen to me - I didn't recognize it until after the second time in 2 days I started crying uncontrollably for no reason.

We are so focused on treatment - doing something - that we somehow back burner all the emotions. At some point they do come to the surface...

I think a whopping huge fun vacation sounds like a great plan!

[CindyE]

I completely understand where you are. I just finished my year of Herceptin on April 27, 2009. I had an ultrasound and mam done in Feb. to make sure about scar tissue and it was all clear. I feel a bit nervous about being "done" with treatment. But I'm trusting my doctors and God to help me move on and trust that I'm going to be okay now. Life is short and I plan to enjoy each and every day that I am granted.

[Believe51]

Savta, I can totally understand your feelings. I remember when Ed's doctor told us at one point he was stable (as he was going to be)and to give him some normalcy he was going to spread out his appointments from every 4 weeks to every 8. I bursted out in tears right then and there. OncoMan looked at me and asked why I was so upset. I explained that I was so insecure about being on our own and why wouldn't I, we were always working towards making that happen. Well, this was happening and I wondered why I felt sad. He explained that we would never be alone but needed to accomplish this because Ed was getting better. He was always going to be his patient and we would continue to monitor him. I was not taken with this, the doctor moved the appointments to every 6 weeks to give him that normalcy and to help me with my problems (my problems~hehehe).

I think that having cancer changes us so and while we are fighting and seeking treatment, we somehow feel protected. By these appointments gradually being spread out I knew that they would keep getting to be a bigger gap. I feel that when he got diagnosed at stage IV, I had no time for denial. I immediately started research, organizing the best medical team I could, and putting our affairs in order. We were and still are working towards the same goals. He was right though, Savta, Ed was never alone and as soon as he started to get sick again our team was there. To this day I feel that when we are working towards 'no evidence of disease' and taking treatments that we are safe. I also feel that those same feelings of the 'viewing' there is no safety net (in my mind) will surface. Since cancer is a balancing act, this is just another act. We will have to balance the freedom of normalcy with the feelings of being unprotected (in my mind). If we do not, then how can we enjoy what we are fighting for? How can we reap the benefits of receiving the gift we are fighting to unwrap?

Allowing us the normalcy to enjoy life more was hard. After all the fighting and working towards this goal, when we got there, we had to learn how to enjoy it. I tried with all my heart to enjoy it but had to push aside those feelings of helplessness. To me, this is a small price to pay if I can balance all of these feelings together. My words to you come as a rambling post as they rise to the surface to explain myself. I am still going to have these feelings but I will be ready and more than willing to try this balancing act again. The entire journey has been one balancing act to another so I will welcome one more.

So Savta, I guess a summary would be that I can understand your feelings. As time goes by, you too shall have your own act to balance. In order to fully enjoy the benefits of what you have worked so hard for, you will have to. Savta, go unwrap that gift you have aimed to unveil all this time. Unwrap it and wear it proudly each day. You will always have protection for they will be waiting in the background like a good waiter. You will think they are not there but they will know when you will need something.....and they will jump into action.

Savta, this is the moment you have been waiting for. Unwrap and enjoy, I am so thrilled for you. And Sweetie, you will never walk alone on this journey. All safety nets are there and will always be. Bravo Dahling (hear my accent?)>>Believe51

[norwegian]

Savta,-

I really understand how you feel!! In a way- when all treatment is over,- another struggle is starting...: how to get back to the normal life, how to enjoy things, long for things - it is all gone,- and it is really scary.
When having the chemo, you have a date to look forward to,- the day you finish the treatment - that day you long for.
But now - you are one your own with a fear of the future - not at all the joy you were looking forward to.
I was really depressed after treatment was finished. Had no joy, only fear.
But - it is much better now, so the feeling will pass I think!
As for the cancer treatment - it should NOT stop with the medical treatment. Most of us need some psycological help as well. That is my opinion, anyway.
Good luck with all your thoughts...