The "radio" in my head ...

[StephN]

We have had some conversations lately here as to how we deal with our diagnosis and attitude adjustments as we go along through our treatments and beyond.

Something in those posts triggered a realization that I had still been suppressing those cancer voices and fears as hard as ever. This takes a LOT of energy!

When I was diagnosed stage IV I had my CD player going for hours at a time, or turned the TV on when I was not really intending to pay attention to that. This distraction made it difficult to concentrate on things that I used to be able to do quite easily. This is NOT chemobrain, but seemed to go along with it.

Even with plenty to do to occupy my time, that radio with the cancer messages kept playing in my conscious mind. I think I have finally learned to turn it down low, but don't know if I can ever turn it OFF.

This phenomonon seems to part of the "chronic" aspect of this disease. And makes it hard to shake off and move around without those annoying cancer "public service announcements" interrupting my day.

Just thought I would put these thoughts out for others in case they also see this cause and relationship in their lives.

[Faith in Him]

Thanks Steph. It is good to know that we are not alone in our feelings. I too suffer from what you describe. I don't think anyone else would understand except for those of us that have walked in these shoes.

I am still very distracted by the cancer radio. The worest for me is when my school aged children are wanting to talking to me but I am not able to concentrate on what they are saying because I am thinking cancer. Of course, I am still in treatment so that may be why.

I wish I could learn to turn it down low like you have. Maybe in time.

Tonya

[vickie h]

Hi Steph,

I have listened to the same radio stations you have mentioned for quite some time. Just yesterday, I disolved into tears when the "music" or "message" was so overwhelming. I think, lately, that the state of the world comes into play when being reminded (quietly) about my own cancer. That is when the fear rises up...not so much because of my own health, but because the "health" of the world appears to be failing and that affects me greatly.

My husband and I are involved with a homeless shelter here so we see firsthand the breakdown in our societal attitudes towards others. It is at those times that the radio gets a little louder and harder to turn down.

However,your message reminds me to keep my fingers on the dial, to empty the fear like a bucket of cold rainwater after a storm. And to keep forging ahead. Who knows? maybe someday we'll hear Beethoven or Stravinski, instead.

Thanks for the message, Steph. I truly appreciate everything you bring to this site. Love, vickie

[fullofbeans]

Hey Steph interesting.. What I find hard at the moment is the inability to plan: part of me (the head) says this is the last few years of your life (according to the stats) so make the best of it, and I do not care about "building" and pension & retirement is a word from the past..

Another voice (the heart) is telling me to build and put some hard work into it and who knows what will come out of it..dare dreaming of past goals that seemed impossible after the diagnosis and to which I have already mourned for, and found alternative ones. But building can be stressful specially with stage 4 circumstances and I am very aware of not straining me..

Not sure what my goals should be anymore, surviving and having a good time is suddenly no longuer enough, I have been and still am enjoying myself very much but something is starting to be lacking.. That said I am so very grateful too off course, which well, takes the perhaps necessary edge of wanting. A certain degree of disatisfaction I beleive is often necessary to change course..

Hey what the hell maybe I can do both! As it is starting to be stressful not to build..

[Mary Anne in TX]

It's that goofy "what if" message that interrupts all decisions. I have to talk out loud to myself to drown it out sometimes. Makes me crazy. Surely am glad I am around to hear it and fight it! ma

[MJo]

Interesting. Like fullofbeans, I don't know what my goals should be any more. Even though I was Stage 1, every once in a while I tune into that radio station and the feeling becomes overwhelming. This morning I thought to myself "What if I do exactly what I want to do with my life?" Interesting thought. Have to figure out what it is.

[sarah]

Stephanie,
I send you a big cyber hug and thank you for all the help you've given me and others on this site. I find reading books the best distraction - TV is too depressing or bad!
sorry you're having this anxiety.
hugs and love sarah

[Shobha]

The radio is quite loud in my brain still and the only time I can able to lower the volume is when my 6 and 5 years old are around. As soon as they leave, it automatically gets loud.

I try to imagine their graduation, wedding and usually dissolve into tears. Then, I have to consciously push myself to think positive.

The other part of it is that I want to be on top of things but find the medical system frustrating. They will not do any scans or even blood tests after the completion of the treatment and this makes every ache and pain a threat in my mind. It causes so much restlessness.

love,
shobha