feeling a bit down

[jhandley]

Hi
I am 3 weeks out from scans and know I have a lot to be thankful for..but lately I have been feeling teary and a bit lonely. I haven't been in a relationship for 10 years and 8 of those I have been a cancer survivor. I really would like to have a close friend to go through life with but it is a bit daunting as to how to proceed.
Any thoughts?

Jackie (down under)

[Bill]

Hi Jackie! I know how the lonely and teary thing can be. If I lived in your town, I would take you out for a nice quiet dinner and give you a big hug, and we would talk until the wee hours. I'm sorry that I can't. You are such a sweetie. I wish I could help more. Love, Bill

[Mary Anne in TX]

Hi Jackie!
I think as we pass through this jouney as part of our life, we become so much more aware of just how valuable and sweet it is to have those special partners and pals to make the trip with! Why not volunteer somewhere, visit a new church, try a new bookstore or something and do things you've always thought of doing. I'm sure no good at advice, but I surely will say a prayer that you get smacked with a new friend very soon. ma

[ElaineM]

Mary Anne in Texas had a good idea. So did Bill.
Do something for yourself. It is okay to be a bit selfish once in awhile. I like going to a bookstore that serves snacks. I browse for awhile and then I sit down with a nice cup of something good and people watch. I wonder what kinds of books those people are interested in.
Once when I was so overwhelmed I got on an airplane and flew to another island for three days and didn't tell anyone where I was going. I had a wonderful time and came back refreshed and ready to get back to my routine. I guess you don't have to go that far. Smile.

[Laurel]

Jackie,

I suppose if you are seriously considering dating why not let friends, family, and co-workers know you are ready for socializing? People all know someone who is divorced, widowed, etc. who are just like you sidelined by circumstances and unsure how to meet other eligible potential companions. It isn't easy once you leave those younger years to meet others. Civic organizations, church, and hobbies get you out among people. Try and be a "joiner" for a bit. I think your horizons will broaden enormously! Go for it, Girl!

[Jackie07]

There are more boys born than girls. But 'men' are prone to having accidents and don't live as long as 'women'. So, starting a certain age (50?), there are more women than men.

One of our Her-2support members is happily dating right now. And I remember how it felt before I finally got married at 28.

I was too tall for most of my fellow countryman - so I (unconsciously) came overseas. I was having too much education for many available 'bachelors' around town - so I (unknowingly) dated a young(-looking) man who were two diplomas behind (since then he had caught up one, but the next one has been interrupted by my illnesses.) Everyone thought he was a doctor since we live in a big medical town and he looked 'brilliant'. But he is not.

We've had so many up-and-downs - we would have been able to save enough for retirement since there's no child-care expenses. But we seldom worked full-time jobs at the same time because of all the medical procedures - besides my four major surgeries, he had had 2 stents put in his heart in 2002.

Both of my two (older) sisters have been married for over 25 years. Both of them met their husband through blind dates - so were my parents (60+ years of marriage) and my In-laws (58 years before my Mother-in-law passed away). And I always thought I met my hubby through a blind date arranged by God (we met in church).

I think getting the words out - that you are ready to seek companionship - is the first step. And you've done it. But the only bachelor we've got - Bill - has been snatched away already. So let's hope the words would spread out through more circles.

Keep in mind one of the most popular slogans these days - 'Yes, we can!'.

[Shobha]

My prayers and good wishes for you, Jackie. May god bless you with peace and joy and find you a wonderful companion for life!

[StephN]

Hi Jackie H -
We have been down a long road together over the years! Fighting those mets side by side, blah, blah ...
Got to NED and need to get somewhat out of the warrior mode.

Was chatting with my hubby about how this disease changes us and especially fighting mets. I did become a bit of a hard ass (pardon my bold talk) but partly because I did not have the energy to be my normal, cheery self. So I was more curt and grumpy at times.

This mode is not very conducive to socializing and then the effort saps energy for a few days. Getting some stamina and energy back I have found has been key to feeling happier and more like doing things out of fun rather than mere duty.

Having our kind of cancer also puts us on the defensive, and this can carry through to area of our life where we would not normally show that.

Don't know if I am making any sense to you, but just to say that making some conscious decisions and keeping those in the forefront has helped me to recover some of my natural behavior.

Maybe Fran Drescher's method of putting her idea of a companion out into the "universe" might be a good way to open yourself up.

[tricia keegan]

Jackie, I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling down and really hope you find that special someone soon..:)

[vickie h]

Jackie, I know those feelings of lonliness and sadness and they can be debilitating. I have friends around me , family, and the best husband I could ever dream of having, yet there are times that lonliness takes over. It is a different kind that skulks and shadows the background of our lives., I believe it is an accumulation of all that we have been through. Some feel that being NED or "cancer free" is the goal, when it is also our mental well being, spiritual awakenings and being in touch with our feelings that matter the most. Without these, we are just a body without organic disease, but without the others we are lost and alone. This journey has taken us to uncharted waters, murky and unknown to all of us ,and time and love and understanding seem to be the awakening we really seek. God has always been there with you and he will continue to lead you up paths filled with learning and committment. The journry never ends, but the joy awaiting you is right inside your own heart and soul. Ant mate would be thrilled to find you, and find you they will. Keep walking ahead and don't look back...you are on the chosen path. Love, Vickie

[Believe51]

Hey Buddy, wondering how you are feeling today?? Wanted to let you know I love you and send a giant cyber hug to certify it with. Hope you are feeling better with all my heart!>>Believe51

[fauxgypsy]

Jackie, it can be lonely and frightening no matter what kind of relationship you are in. To most people it is over. You are well and you should move on. Even if they don't say it, I feel like I hear it. After treatment (and I have had nowhere near the years that you have had) I felt like a hermit. I still have to make myself get out and attend things. For me it is art shows and art guild meetings. Maybe you could get involved in a group where you could meet people with similar interests. On a lighter note, one of my friends told me the other day, that you should start making close women friends now, because if you don't you will be lonely someday, you'll have outlived all the men. If you need a lift and a laugh read the Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love. It is outrageous.

[jhandley]

...for your thoughts. I seem to get these mood swings very occasionally luckily they ony last a few hours to a day. Just spent the weekend at my house in the country and feeling a lot better. Also I have started a new job and my daughter has started high school...something I wasn't sure in 2001 I would be there to see.
So all going well and I am keeping an "eye" out for some social interaction.
Jackie (down under)