As I Was Saying...

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Just thought I should move this post to a new thread, to hopefully inspire some who don't know me or my story (from COME MEET THE NEW ME thread).

I will be eternally grateful to Dennis Slamon, who isolated the HEr2 gene, and helped develop Herceptin for Genentech (along w/Dr. Mark Pegram and others). They have surely saved my life!!

Throughout the years, i would be talking to friends and often somehow mention I had just had chemo. What do you mean?, they"d ask incredulously. You're still on that stuff!? How long has it been? I began in '98. They'd stare off, somewhat stunned by the length of time.

Then, they'd ask, How much longer do you have to stay on this chemo? I would pause, gathering their full attention, and say as calmly as I could, trying to relate my complete acceptance -- FOREVER... They'd each respond shaking their heads, looking away into space and repeating -- forever... Disbelief of course.

You see when I metastasized in '98, I was told grimly (by my New York onc who knew Paul and me well, since this bc thing began for me in '95) -- "What you have is inoperable, incurable... And you will be on long term chemotherapy for the rest of your life". I had 4th stage breast cancer. I was utterly demoralized.

But, with great effort and determination and as much grace as I could summon, I doggedly moved forward w/faith in my ability to SURVIVE. Of course, God, the Universe, my docs, nurses, Herceptin, even Taxotere, my supplements and wonderful *nut onc*, my meditation and guided imagery all countered in. And, as it turned out, the long term chemo was the *easy* chemo, the new monoclonal antibody that was tailor-made to correct this aggressive, malfunctioning gene. Just like a smart bomb!

It was then, for me, that I found that along with my terror (of cancer and real possibility of death) came a glorious reverence for Life and humble gratitude for my many blessings. This had all been somewhat obscured through the previous years. Not taken for granted, but underappreciated, if you will.

As fear and awe converged within me, a feeling of being more alive than ever before filled me up. I experienced a feeling of blissful Being engulfing me. It radiates from me I am told.

Now, I find myself digging to be brave once again. I've cut that umbilical cord, Steph -- you are so right. I wasn't ready till just recently. I am 3 yrs ahead of you. There is no right or wrong decision here. I am going with my gut, my Inner Voice, my instincts and the wisdom of extraordinary onc. There is no guarantee that comes with this choice. But I feel more confident and jubilant than I do fearful. I know I can always return to H, if (God forbid a gezillion times over) anything were to indicate such a need. I have not burned any bridges. Just shut the door ever so gently...As always, I'm striving to focus my energy and my thoughts on the gift of each day, not on the possible loss of tomorrow. I am still talking to my body, and commanding it to stay well and healthy. NO MORE CANCER. I am clear on that.
I BELIEVE. Every thought is like a prayer. Every prayer is a potential miracle.

And I KNOW that every thought or whisper of my mind is in effect a direct command to my body. My body works with my mind, and KNOWS it is it's function to follow orders. So I am truly diligent about what I choose to dwell on each day.
Thank you all for *getting it* and posting your thoughts in COME MEET THE NEW ME. My nurses were a bit frightened when I told them, I kind of detected, but they support my decision absolutely! And -- I feel fantastic! I AM HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE!I called my NY onc to fill him in and update him. He said firmly that he was delighted to hear from me and feels that I am going to do very well with my new plan. He is naturally gathering as much info on long term H users for his other patients. He believes I can do this.

I confided my thought process over this with Pinkie, to garner her valuable input. I was showered with flowers (all the way down here in Florida from up there in Canuckland where she lives) on THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE. She so understood that THIS IS THE TIME OF MY LIFE!!! And, I know all of you can appreciate the gravity of my new Plan as well. Just had to share with all you fabulous people I have come to call more than Friends... Your words and sentiments have touched my heart profoundly. Thank you, thank you...
Andi http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/smi/2b00001c91/06

[Kim in DC]

First of all I love the new pic!!!! Again, I will say your words are always an inspiration. From time to time I go to other BC sites and the ladies there are just a little too doom and gloom. I am reminded by your posts that our thoughts help create our destiny and I choose to be positive. Reading your posts give me hope!


Kim

[harrie]

Andi, with your thought process, your lovingkindess, and your zest for life, there is absolutely no way you can make a "wrong" decision. I am so happy for you and wish you all the best as you embark on your New Plan!!
Also, I just LOVE your new pic!! You are just so pretty!! Your eyes and your smile just radiate love, kindness, peace and joy.
Your Friend,
Maryanne

[Ceesun]

You are a treasure Andi, wish I could have the honor to meet you. Ceesun

[naturaleigh]

I love your new picture. You are soooo BEAUTIFUL!!! You have the most radiant smile!!

So what are you going to do on your first "day off"?? I know for going to chemo for 1 1/2 yrs it became a habit. A habit that did not take long to break though!!

Please don't forget us here at HER2 Support while you are enjoying your new freedom!!

[Jackie07]

Ditto to all four witnesses above. Andi, we love your words as well as your 'deeds'. And that beautiful new picture! Is 'sensational' the right word?

[StephN]

Dear Andi -

An incident yesterday makes your post "right on" for me. The part about people's reaction when you tell them you have to take "cancer treatment" (those are the words I use) FOREVER because there is no cure for what you have.

The shocked and dazed look comes for a couple of reasons. First of all, we do not LOOK like we are eternally bald and wasting away. So they cannot equate what is in front of their eyes with their PERCEPTION of what "cancer treatment" means, and how a cancer patient should look.

Their perception takes them to the next thought which usually is that there is NO way THEY could go to a cancer center and get drugs for the rest of their life. And how did THIS person manage to do that so freaking long?!?!

Our wonderful Herceptin has done this for us - made people discombobulate when they meet cancer patients who are surviving with Herceptin, or an array of other drugs, who all look as well as or BETTER than any random non-patient you could pick out of the grocery store line.

My experience yesterday was meeting a woman who is a TEN YEAR survivor of lung cancer. She just could hardly believe that I am still in treatment. Based on her experience she said any medical procedures send shivers down her spine. She has not kept up with the new advances and has stayed far away from cancer groups as Lung Cancer did not have any support groups when she needed one. All anyone in her hospital would say is that "we don't put the time or energy into a support group for lung cancer since you are all going to die soon anyway." Shame on them! This lady even offered to start one.

I told her "the times, they are a-changin." And after she finally understood me a little better we had a hearty 'survivor' handshake. And I proceeded on to the local Farmer's Market to load up my fridge.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Yes, Steph, You have put your finger on it. That explains why those people often say to me, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC. (Compared to a dead person???) LOL. Cause they can't believe I am *sick*, not withering away, grey and bald. Then, strangers especially, often say, GOD BLESS YOU! And I get a giant hug. We are all awed by what the human Spirit is capable of. Kind of like watching the Olympics. The agony and the ecstasy.

For the record, I have a friend who is a 4 yr lung cancer SURVIVOR, in Chicago. She has been on chemo all the while, and remains STABLE. Never a smoker, BTW. They gave her body a 4 mnth break and have halved the dosage for the last yr. I know a man who is tx by my wonderful onc returnee who is a lung survivor for over 5 yrs. Richard Bloch (of H & R Bloch) was told to put his affairs in order, that he had 3 mnths to live. I know that 25 yrs later he was still defying that sentence. He went on major hardcore chemo for 2 yrs, meditated, used guided imagery and the love he had for (and received from) his wife to overcome all. I have read 2 of his bks chronicling this.

I know that in Chicago, where Bloch also hailed from, my friend is active in -- LUNGEVITY. Get it? A play on longevity... Yes, Steph, indeed, things they are a changin'!!!

Cancer is a chronic condition that can be managed. We are getting closer everyday to a cautious cure...

Let's all say a prayer for Texas and vicinity. Ike will soon be upon them...

Andi http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/smi/2b00001c91/06

[Mary Jo]

I, too, wanted to chime in to say your new pic is great. Lookin' good sister.

Also thanks for the reminder to us to pray for those folks in TX.

Mary Jo

[fullofbeans]

Dear Andy I do beleive that the mind and body are well connected and that a happy mind is the basis of an healing/strong body..

But then again I have also noticed that truck loads of taxotere and H have been a common factor to the long term stage 4 survivor on this site..;-)

Long term stage 4 are offering much hope in my life so thank you for posting your always encouraging messages. My next scan is in a couple of weeks and I am feeling so vulnerable and scared...my life is so good now and I want it to continue just as it is; in health..

lots of love

[harrie]

Acceptance does not mean inaction.
We may need to respond, strongly at times.

From a peaceful center
we can respond instead of react.
Unconscious reactions create problems.
Considered responses bring peace.
With a peaceful heart
whatever happens can be met
with wisdom.
Peace is not weak;
it is unshakeable.

Jack Kornfield

[fullofbeans]

I agree Harrie nice post.

Acceptance is courageous. The way I describe my situation is that my head knows the stats (accept) but my heart knows better (hope and faith).

[Jean]

What a beautiful thread!
Thank you Andi for always being a generous lady and sister to all of us. Yes it is amazing that you can shock
people by looking so beautiful (inside and out) while
having cancer treatment.

Of course I am 100% with you in spirit dear one!

Steph, I just the fact that you can relate to another about the change that we are now seeing...and then
display that fact by finishing your conversation and like the brave strong woman you are .....go food shopping....you placed a huge smile on my face.

Harrie...that is a such a true statment...it takes courage to embrace what is....and I too believe that acceptance allows us to keep our minds open to think clearly and react with strong energy...fear is draining....

Fullofbeans....wishing you the very best with your scans.

[harrie]

Fullofbeans, that is so right. Never underestimate the value and and significance of the heart.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

WHAT I'VE LEARNED SINCE BEING DX IN '95 AND THEN BEING HIT IN THE HEAD AGAIN IN '98... HOW I FOUND THE TRUE ME...

THE TRUE ME

I AM MY BREATH.
I AM THE SPACE BETWEEN MY THOUGHTS.
I AM THE AWARENESS OF MY THOUGHTS.
I AM THE ONE BEYOND MY THOUGHTS.

I AM ALWAYS IN THE PRESENT MOMENT,
ONE WITH WHAT IS,
YET READY TO GUIDE MY DESIRED DESTINY
TO COME TO ME...

I AM EMPOWERED.
WITH THE POWER OF THE ENERGY OF MY THOUGHTS, WHICH ARE SENSED AND RESPONDED TO -- IN KIND
BY THE INFINITE ENERGY FIELD OF THE UNIVERSE.


I KNOW THAT MY BODY FOLLOWS THE COMMANDS OF
MY MIND -- INCLUDING IT'S PONDERINGS, PRAYERS, EVEN WHISPERS
AND, OF COURSE, MY

CONSCIOUSY AUTHORED INSTRUCTIONS.


I DO NOT HAVE A SOUL.
I AM A SOUL! HOW AWESOME!!

I AM A SOUL, WITH A MIND... AND A BODY...
I AM ETERNAL AND FILLED WITH THE SACRED ENERGY OF MY SOURCE.


I AM NOT THE VOICE IN MY HEAD.
I AM THE ONE BEHIND MY THOUGHTS.

THE WITNESS.

THE AWARENESS OF MY THOUGHTS.

I FEEL SO BLESSED...
Andi http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/clip_art/gstres/anmls/animals-butterfly

[harrie]

Andi, I like how you listed, in priority,...soul - mind - body.

Andi, what do you think happpens to one's soul after the body goes?

Love, Maryanne

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Well, here's what I think...

We are Beings of energy. Energy never dies. The body will wither and die, along w/our minds, but our Spirit is eternal.

One's Spirit transforms and reforms at the point of death. It *passes on* home, to the Spiritual Realm. Death is not the end of our story...

Andi http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/clip_art/gstres/anmls/animals-butterfly

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Well this last topic sure seems to be a conversation stopper.

Do you guys think you have a Soul?

If you do, what do you think it's purpose is?

Andi http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/clip_art/gstres/anmls/animals-butterfly

[dlaxague]

Andi said: "Well this last topic sure seems to be a conversation stopper."

Laughing! I didn't see it or I would have conversed sooner. Sometimes it's hard to keep up with so many conversations.

Yes, I believe absolutely that we are soul, although there are many words and ways to express that. Soul-synonyms, let's say. Oneness, God, essence, center, heart, light, Christ, Buddha, Allah, etc. All the same to me. We are that. Part of the one yet unique at the same time.

Our bodies hold us while we are here, and then something else happens, but as for details of what happens when our bodies die - I have no idea except that it's good. I have a deep certainty that it's good, and safe. I don't really feel a need to know exactly what happens, so I have no specific ideas about who/what/where/how. I just trust. I honor others who know the details. I am quite sure that for them, their details are correct, and important to know.

Are soul/mind/body connected? Oh yes. Wonderfully so. Can one think cancer out of a body, or keep it away by having the right thoughts? That's where we (you Andi, and me) part ways - I do not believe that this is possible. I believe that my spiritual energy and explorations are much better spent in appreciation and connection with other souls because it deepens my appreciation and connection with other souls - not because it controls the behavior of cancer. I do what I can to nurture both soul and body but my main motive in that is not to control cancer, it's to live this life as fully as I can manage.

Since I have not had a recurrence, I guess it would be tempting to think that I might have overcome cancer because of something I did. But I do not believe that - not at all. I think that it's a crap shoot. We can improve the odds a bit of course, and that small bit of control is somewhat comforting. Our treatment options/choices and our lifestyle choices may give us just a bit better odds. But mostly it gives us the ILLUSION of control, which we humans (and our egos) do so like (smile).

Andi, for every person you cite who is living long past when they were expected to, I can cite another person who has died. Wonderful, strong, positive, loving, centered people who were swept away quickly, or who lived long with cancer but whose bodies were overtaken in the end. They ate the best foods and they thought the best thoughts and they were filled with love and joy. I smile to see them, in my memories. But they died. They lost the cancer crap shoot (but won in many other categories). On their behalf, I'm a little sensitive and touchy when I hear anyone implying that attitude or thoughts can change cancer behavior.

Because if you follow the logic thru - that if one is positive, and strong-willed, and in touch with her inner self, one can beat cancer, then the other side of that logic says that those who died of cancer weren't strong enough, or good enough, or perhaps allowed too many weak or negative thoughts. And that's where you lose me, on behalf of those wonderful people who have passed on from this world.

Have you ever spent time with someone who was dying and who had believed with all her heart that she could beat her cancer with the right lifestyle and the right thoughts? I have, and even though it was a rather peripheral experience on my part, it has SO colored my stance on this. No one should die thinking that they were not strong enough or did not try hard enough. We all do the very best that we can. The measure of our best IS NOT whether we live or die. The measure is how we live in this moment right now, with as much love and integrity as we can muster in that given moment.

I like the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. One of the agreements is "always do your best". Simple enough, if somewhat daunting. But then he softens it and makes it real - "your best will change from moment to moment". Ahhh, sigh of comfort. We can all do that. We all do EXACTLY that, every day. And that's enough.

Andi, I think that you can read my point of view without hearing it as any kind of criticism or attack on your way of living. I honor your wonderful spirit and enthusiasm. I am glad for you - that you have found such peace. And I'm grateful for almost your every word on this list. But when you say something like "I am still talking to my body, and commanding it to stay well and healthy. NO MORE CANCER."

That's where we part understanding. I don't want some vulnerable soul to read those words and take on the weight of believing that their every thought and action will impact their cancer. I know that for you, this belief brings only healing and peace, and that is fine. For you. But not for everyone.

Love,
Debbie Laxague (okay everyone, jump in here - this is a great thread and there are no wrong thoughts)

[harrie]

Yes, Andi, I most certainly do have a soul.
I also refer to my soul as my Self (with a capital S). It is the essence of who I am and the purest part of my self.

My Self is NOT defined by my personality, my profession, how much money I may or may not have, any diseases or good fortune.
My Self (soul) is my core. It is an energy and is neither created nor destroyed.

The awareness of my Self can be dulled by the thoughts in my mind, and issues from the past.

My Self only manifests itself for the present moment. It is where the purest of joy can eminate.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/smi/2b00001c91/06 I agree. The threads have grown in # so, it is a full time job keeping up. Glad to see you jump in. Such a fascinating topic.

THERE IS ONLY ONE *YOU*!
THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER EXACTLY LIKE YOU.
YET, WE ARE EACH SO MUCH THE SAME.

When I look at others, I see mySelf. I see our Oneness. I sense the holiness within us all, believing each Soul is composed of the sacred energy of our Source.

We are each eternal and divine. I too speak, and write (in the book I am STILL working on http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/smi/2b00001c91/08) of mySelf. My spell check keeps telling me I have made an error, but I persist all the same.

The Self That Dwells Within is our True Self. Our Higher Self. When we allow it to take charge of our Beingness, we become mightily empowered!

When my Spirit directs my mind to speak to the body we are housed in -- miraculous things can potentially occur. Despite all odds.

We are not the voice in our heads. That is dominated by an egoic, primal self that needs to evolve and keeps us caught in struggle and suffering. Our egos remember everything as if it happened -- yesterday! So we carry a heap of rage, blame, resentment and sorrow around with us.

When we go in silence to our core, to our Essence, we are able to connect with our Spirit, which in turn brings much joy and a sense of harmony. When we reach out to others with an open heart, we bless ourselves. We receive what we offer tenfold.

Surely, we don't act with kindness, compassion and a loving way for personal gain but rather because we believe that one of the primary reasons we are here is to help one another.

I have personally experienced mindbody victories. In 1980, after living in constant and sometimes utterly debilitating pain in my back, after seeing orthopedists and orthopedic surgeons, I was led (by 3 separate people who did not know one another) to one special doctor. The same wonderful physiatrist who headed the outpatient clinic at NYU Medical Center.

He taught me astounding things about the mindbody connection and helped me to CURE my very real and spasm-filled pain anyone could feel by touching my back. He directed me to take specific note each time the dull throbbing pain caused me to gasp and freeze in place. He asked me to do something that is quite difficult. At that very moment -- stop thinking! And search your mind for exactly what it was that caused you to feel the jabbing, knife-like pain.

Every single time, what I was thinking was stress related. From simple stress (of what am I going to buy and make for dinner) to major stress (such as how am I going to learn to live with what had been dx as *degenerating disk disease*). Such a condition, after all, only continues to get worse.

Within weeks, after yrs of ongoing pain in every movement I made, the pain dissipated. This great healer (who was also a professor who taught at Rusk Institute)explained that when we learn to control our thoughts, we can accomplish miraculous results. Without surgery. Without medical intervention. It was a profound lesson I carry with me to this day.

Once I saw, and proved to my satisfaction, that my pain was directly related to stressful thoughts, the pain subsided. I was filled with FEAR, you see. The doctor drew 3 arrows going around in a circle.

THE MORE PAIN YOU FEEL, THE MORE FEARFUL YOU BECOME. THE MORE FEARFUL YOU BECOME -- THE MORE YOU TENSE UP, IMPERCEPTIBLY TIGHTEN UP YOUR MUSCLES AND SQUEEZE ON NERVE ENDINGS -- AND THE MORE PAIN YOU WILL FEEL. AND THEN -- THE CYCLE CONTINUES ON. PAIN, FEAR, MORE PAIN.

This was a life-altering moment for me. A moment of remarkable empowerment!

I carry this Awareness with me wherever I go. And I have other examples of using my mind to produce impossible results. I will share at another time, if anyone is interested.

Yes, I too often cite The Four Agreements. We each do the best we can. And our best changes, from day to day.

I wish you all WELLNESS, laughter and serenity...
Andi http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/clip_art/gstres/anmls/animals-butterfly

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Before I slip right off the first page, I wanted to bump this up.

ANYONE HAVE A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH THE MINDBODY CONNECTION?

Andi http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/clip_art/gstres/anmls/animals-butterfly

[StephN]

I could tell you about at least two out-of-body experiences, when I was aware when I theoretically should not have been.

One under anesthesia while having my tonsils out, and the other during an end-over-end auto accident.

At the time of these incidents I had never heard of the term "out of body."

The third time was when I was getting the news of my cancer progression. That was not MY body the onc was talking about. But I had to go through a process to get "mine" back!

[harrie]

Andi, can you be a little more specific about what you mean about a "mind-body" connection? (guess that question might also mean I neve had one...... )

Seeing "signs"...is that a mind body connection?

[dlaxague]

Andi, I would guess that we ALL have experienced this connection at some level. Haven't you ever felt really tired and down and something unexpected happened - perhaps an invitation to do one of your favorite activities? Maybe you thought you felt too crummy to do it but you decided to try anyway. And the next thing you knew, you were having wonderful fun with great energy? (I experienced this recently with kayaking - I was about to take a nap to try to fight off the cold that seemed to lurking, when a friend called with a river invitation. The time with good company on a beautiful and exciting river run energized me much better than that nap would have done). That's a most-basic-level example. More complex ones to follow when I have more time.

Love,
Debbie Laxague

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

My dear Maryanne, you're quite right. I should have been more specific. I think what I was looking for were ALL THINGS SPIRITUAL, which would include signs from above (from the Spiritual Domain).

And, Debbie, your example of MINDBODY connection was great. We are each capable of so very much more than we think. If we were to consciously alter our thoughts (as you did w/your kayaking venture, or as Olympians do facing tremendous challenges)we would find that we can see miraculous (and rewarding) results.

It is a good example, one we can each relate to, to feel like crap and cave in to that -- OR -- to push ourselves (because we truly are required to be at an important occasion or event) and *somehow* miraculously not only appear there, but feel better in every way.

I had a kidney stone the size of Texas in 1980. It was lodged somewhere between my kidney and the urethra. The pain was excruciating, as you can imagine. An IVP and my urologist deemed this killer stone too large to pass on its own. He wanted to operate. I only do surgery if my life depends on it (i.e. mastectomy), so I said, I am going to try to pass this on my own.

I drank 80 oz of water a day, trying to flush it out. I strained every time I urinated to try and catch something for analysis (at the doc's suggestion). I WENT WITH THE PAIN, learning that when the pain went from horrible to intolerable it meant the stone was ON THE MOVE, which was a good thing. So, like with childbirth, I allowed the pain, believing I was soon going to give birth to my stone.

I used guided imagery, based on the plastic figure of our innards that sat on the doc's desk. He took it apart, like a puzzle with pieces, and showed me the exact route my stone needed to travel.

I jumped rope, trying to jar the stone into moving, which was effective but difficult when you would rather just fall to the floor and writhe in agony. I WAS DETERMINED.

After 10 wks, I passed that sucker! I retrieved it and brought it to my doc. I will never forget the look on his face, grin from ear to ear, and utter disbelief. He truly did not think it was possible. I believed I could get my body to cooperate with my commands. (I had been reading about the MINDBODY connection wherever I could find info. I had watched PBS specials about the *new*, yet old, phenomenon. I had met my remarkable physiatrist who dealt with the physiology of the body and totally embraced the power of our thoughts to cause and yes to heal ailments and dysfunction. I had my own experience which I described above, after 2 yrs of back pain and immobilization. I was/am an excellent candidate doctors tell me.)

So, I was hoping to inspire some others to try this out and help themselves heal. And to collect other personal experiences for all of us to read about. This is the motive behind this thread.

Another time, I will tell you about the news report I saw on CNN about a woman and SOMETHING that suddenly told her to run... Cliff hanger...


Andi http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/clip_art/gstres/anmls/animals-butterfly

[harrie]

My mother died from cancer at the age of 69 after dealing with it on several occasions for about 20 yrs. I was diagnosed with my first occurrance 3 yrs after she died and while she was alive, she also did not know she had passed the gene on to me. Esp with this past experience I had with stage I, chemo, etc...I have noticed several "signs" leading me to make the "right" choices and I am pretty sure, these signs were from her.
This would be my mind-body experience.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I often speak of The Voice In Our Heads that is composed of our intellect, our learned conditioned beliefs (that are generally unconsciously absorbed and incorporated). Along with this is the still predominant nature of our egos. Our egoic thoughts are primal reactions from our childhood that remain embedded in our responses.

Hence, we often feel offended, belittled, disrespected, angry, sulky, insecure and uncertain.

One of the greatest dysfucntions of humanity is that -- WE IDENTIFY OURSELVES WITH THE VOICE IN OUR HEADS. It prevents us from growing and evolving and enriching our life experience!

The ego or The Impostor, thinks it is you. And you concur!

Now, I have learned to listen to my Inner Voice. It emanates from my Spirit. It loves me more than I could imagine love to be. It wants what I want. It wants what I want. It guides and protects me. When I consciously choose (a gift of Empowerment given each of us since our birth)-- I overrule The Voice In My Head, now Knowing that it is NOT the True Me. Instead, I align mySelf with the divine Essence of my Being. I am a Soul, with a mind and body. And, don't forget, an ego that is a control freak!

I do believe Teachers, Guides and Guardian Angels, entities from the Spiritual Realm, walk with us. God cannot be everywhere at every given moment. And so S/he devised this arrangement, having willing Spiritual Beings leading us through the labyrinth of Life.

I would not be surprised, Maryanne, if your Mom has chosen to remain with you. And so, continuesto bless your life...

Did you ever read the book THE RED TENT?. It blew me away! About Biblical times from a woman's perspective. This point I speak of is mentioned in such a magnificent way, I could not help but feel the words resonate on the deepest of levels within me. It's Truth felt undeniable...
Andi http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/clip_art/gstres/anmls/animals-butterfly

[harrie]

I read THe Red Tent a few yrs ago. Absolutely loved that book.

[ElaineM]

Absolutely beautiful sentiments. Body,mind and spirit do connect and work together.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi Elaine!

Read your story (through your website) and I say WAY TO GO, SISTER! Wise and wonderful Warrior! With a beautiful Spirit...

I know Hawaii is pretty big, but do you live anywhere near Maryanne??

Aloha,
http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/clip_art/gstres/celebrte/fists

[jones7676]

Thanks Andi (and the rest of the crew for the positives). You all often give me the will to keep fighting and hoping for the "right treatment"

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Barb! You keep believing! It WILL come. Soon. You are calling it to yourself right now. I just know it.

And I will keep praying for you too!

Immerse yourself in beauty. Music, poetry, loving friends and family and laughter.

Remember -- faith and fear cannot occupy the same space.

WITH LOVE,

[StephN]

Yes, I got a used copy of The Red Tent and it has been working its way to the top of my reading pile - almost there - next actually.

One of my grandfathers died when I was 5. I loved him so much and missed him strongly.

I had a couple of "near misses" and felt his presence in critical moments as well as just on a car trip. There seemed to be a connection that would not break even though he was not here physically.

The ability to INTUIT things/events in my life has stood me in good stead through my cancer fight. I took a good look at my cancer and remembered lady MacBeth's "OUT, OUT damn spot..."
Something inside my told me that this would happen. My fear melted away when I had the encouragement of scans showing decrease in the tumors.

[ElaineM]

Hi Andrea,
Mahalo for sharing your kind thoughts. I think all the members here are great warriors. Maryanne and I are on different islands in the same state.
Take care.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

A friend of mine was talking to a friend of his. They both know someone in India. One had come to visit and stay over recently. Turns out they are related! You just never know... http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/clip_art/gstres/anmls/animals-butterfly

I love your state! Went there to celebrate my 60th Bday (dx at age 50). I, scared of spiders, heights, even scuba diving -- went parasailing -- to get as close as I could to God and give a shout out -- THANK YOU FOR BEING ALIVE!!! http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/smi/2b00001c91/06

[harrie]

Andi, I try to live by and take your words to heart about the ego and spirit and all.
Sometimes it is just so hard though. I know what you are saying, I agree 100%, but today at work, my ego was giving me hell. It was creating issues in my head and I know I must have been giving off neg vibes. I didn't know if my thoughts were justified, I almost thought I was depressed or something,...I think my ego blew things out of proportion. Thank God I had yoga after work and it was a really good session.
I am mostly just writing this to VENT! I know my problem was my out of control ego. But today, it just felt like too much work to try to control, so I just let it go and I just rode it out. I am hoping for a better day tomorrow.
I just wish you were here so I could have a shoulder to cry on.
Maryanne

[ElaineM]

Hi Andi, Harrie and all !!,
I always thought we are here to learn. We are attending the "Life University."
We all strive to be the best that we can be in every area of our lives. We have many tools to help us do that, but everyday we are a work in progress. Nobody is perfect. We are human, so we have good experiences and not so good experiences. We also have our ups and downs. Hopefully we learn from all our experiences and our ups and our downs. We share our experiences, ups and downs with other people. The main thing is that we keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to be the best we can be. We meet each challenge the best way we can and try our best to keep going. Sometimes we need as much patience with ourselves as we give to other people. Take care all !!

[suzan w]

YES!!! You are an inspiration for us all!!! I love reading your posts as I share your philosophy. I am out in the world living each day to its fullest and basking in the sunshine (even when it rains!). I know your new plan will work!

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I hear you Maryanne. Life is full of challenges to be sure. And some days, we get blind-sided and take things personally (egoically) and fall into our humanness. We lose our Spiritual nature.

We are always justified/entitled to our feelings. They are directly connected to that voice in our head, though. And when we can breathe, and remember that that voice is not who we truly are, we automatically then connect with our Truest Selves. That of course is a wondrous reality! We are each a radiant Spirit full of unconditional, infinite Love. Tapping into that truth changes everything.

You always have my shoulder, HarrieCanarieBird! And I truly hope you are having a better day.

Recently I had an incident that left me feeling kicked to the side of the road, disregarded and unappreciated after decades of my loving kindness and friendship. I was wounded. My ego was badly bruised. I too rode it out. When I was able to catch my breath, and to vent PLENTY (sooo relieving!) -- I was able to get back to my joy spot, at my core.

That's what I wish for you.

And yes, Elaine! Life is a huge classroom for sure. You express it all so well. We are indeed a work in progress. We must continue to evolve and grow, to learn and become more, with each new day. That is what we are each meant to do. And to be there for one another. And yes, the biggest mistake is not to learn from your mistakes. You can't undo what you may have said/done, but you can be sure you won't repeat it. That's worth a whole lot. Collecting Life Lessons and sharing them too.

Thank you Susan for your kind words. You lift me up! Much appreciated, I assure you! Being out here in uncharted waters is seriously scary. But I have faith! I stay in touch with my body, and with my Spirit, I meditate, I pray, I converse with the Universe all day long and I live more in joy and harmony than in fear. And I keep putting one foot in front of the other! Onward and upward, as a dear friend of mine has often said. I love that mantra! And her...
http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/clip_art/gstres/anmls/animals-butterfly