Becky's 2000th post commemorative thread

[Colleens_Husband]

Dear Friends:

As you know, Becky is fast approaching her 2,000th thread and I thought I would like to give something back to her for her dedication, sense of community, and for just being an all around super person. I tried to give her a peanut butter and sweet relish sandwich, but it just plugged up the CD/ROM drive. Apparently I need the newer version of Adobe Acrobat to send sandwiches, but who knew?

Anyways, since I couldn't give her one of the world's tastiest sandwiches, I think I can at least give her a laugh or two. With that in mind, I suggest that we honor Becky with a Clean Joke thread. Simply put, if you know a clean joke (there are some, I checked in Wikapedia), a riddle, or even a pun, post it here and maybe we can brighten up Becky's day, something she has done for so many others.


I'll start:

What do you cal a boomerang that doesn't come back?


A stick!


Good job Becky!

[chrisy]

Lee, I love your idea (although it's bound to be quite a challenge). Just one question,

Was this prompted by Becky's recent obsession of thinking about people thinking about nothing but sex????? Not that I have anything against that of course, and I suppose it WOULD keep our minds of BC!

Becky, can I think about sex,too?

[Gerri]

Great idea Lee - I bow to the master.

Becky: Congratulations on 2,000 posts and a great big thank you for all you contribute to our community. I have learned so much from your posts.

************************************************** **************************************************

A piece of string walks into the bar and the bartender looks at him suspiciously. The bartender says "Sorry, buddy, we don't serve strings here."

So the piece of string walks out. As he’s sitting in the gutter outside feeling really thirsty, the string thinks "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting, turning, wiggling and fraying a few threads here and there.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Hey, aren’t you that string that was just in here a minute ago?”

The piece of string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[Colleens_Husband]

Bravo Gerri!!! Well done!


What is red and bad for your teeth?



A brick.

[PinkGirl]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook?

"We were in another battle and I got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poo!"

"It was my first day with the hook."

[StephN]

How about a Red Slelton as Clem Kadiddlehopper sketch?? These were the days of LIVE TV ... some things could just NOT be controlled ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F-jeIdQwKY&feature=related

[hutchibk]

Q: What did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?
A: A bucaneer!

******************

Q: What do you call 500 indians without nipples?
A: The indian-nippless 500.

**************************

...a three legged dog walks into a bar and shouts "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

******************************

OK, I'll stop now.

[SoCalGal]

A Frenchman, a German, and a Jew were on a desert island.
The sun was beating down, and it was getting hotter and hotter.
The Frenchman declared, "I am so thirsty, I am so thirsty - I must have wine."
The sun continued to shine, as the German cried out, "I am so thirsty, I am so thirsty - I must have beer."
It was getting even hotter when the Jew looked up at heaven and said, "I am so thirsty, I am so thirsty - I must have diabetes!"

I can only think of dirty jokes so I looked around online for Jewish jokes and this one cracked me up - the whole hypochondriac thing and all - I guess I can relate. Kudos on your 2000th post. May you live to post 200000 and may one of them contain news of a cure:) Blessings to you!
Flori

[Mgarr]

Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a Thick Irish accent asked

"What are you selling' here

One of the men replied sarcastically,

"We're selling @r*#-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,

"You are doing well ... Only two left!"

[PinkGirl]

The fight I had with my wife last night was my fault. When
she asked me what was on the TV, I said dust.


What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

[Gerri]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde).

The policewoman asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a police officer.”

[Becky]

Okay - this is my real 2000th post (since the number changes everytime you do post). Pink's sheep joke prompts the only joke I know. I didn't post it before because its NOT dirty but a bit off... Since this is my dedication thread, I'm posting the only joke I know

Q: What does an elephant use for a tampon?

A: A sheep

[sassy]

A blond went with her date to a seafood restuarant.

She was intrigued by the lobster aquarium and asked the waiter why they were there.

"People pick the one they like and the cooks drop them into a pot of boiling water to cook." replied the waiter.

"OH NO!", exclaimed the blonde, aghast at the thought.

A few moments later, the blond picked up her large purse and excused herself to go the the restroom.

Sneaking up to the lobster tank, she placed each one in her large purse, then slipped out the front door.

The blond proudly went into the woods and set the lobsters free!

[Colleens_Husband]

A police officer walks up to an overturned car in the middle of the desert. A blond is standing next to the car fixing her lipstick and using makeup to hide d some minor scrapes and bruises.

The officer asks the blond what happened. The blond replied, "It was frightening, I was driving down the road and this tree came out of nowhere right into my lane, I swerved to the left but the tree was soon right in front of me again, so I swerved to the right, and pretty soon the tree was right back in front of me, so finally, I swerved real hard to the left and my car rolled over."

The officer looked at the lady, shook his head and said, "Ma'am, your in the middle of the desert, there are no trees, that was your air freshener."

[Sheila]

Somehow this one screamed Becky's name....


EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY


After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied.
'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the
sights,
everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's
these breasts
you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I
am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and
snagging them on bushes.They're a real pain,' Reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her
body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears,
etc.........she felt
that having only two breasts might leave her body more
'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured
that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will
fix it up
right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it
into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden
of Eden .

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see,
all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow
has her bull.
All
the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are
right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and
I will
immediately ; create a man from a part of you. Lets see
....where did I put
the useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

[Becky]

Absolutely my darling. Absolutely

[Sheila]

http://webmail.aol.com/38491/aol/en-us/Mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.20310999&folder=Inbox&partId=6


http://webmail.aol.com/38491/aol/en-us/Mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.20310999&folder=Inbox&partId=8




http://webmail.aol.com/38491/aol/en-us/Mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.20310999&folder=Inbox&partId=10












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[Colleens_Husband]

Sheila:

That was just brilliant! You copied the George Carlin 'say nothing' routine. Not many could pull that off, but you were spot on! Well done!


What do you do with a no legged dog?


Take him for a drag.



What should you name your no-legged dog?


It doesn't matter, he's not coming when you call him.

[Gerri]

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra -Two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me".

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - The husband became 92 years old.

[juanita]

ed's great grandpa, paddy was out celebrating st patrick's day at the local pub and really tied one on. he had so many that mick the bartender had to cut him off.
paddy replies, "ok mick, i'll be on my way then." paddy spun around on his stool, steps off and falls flat on his face. "what the....", he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. he takes a step toward the door and falls flat on his face again. "dang!" he says. he looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get some fresh air he'll be fine. he belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame and falls flat on his face. "by jesus i'm soused" he says.
he can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. he crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside. he takes a look up the stairs and says, "no flapping way!" but he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom and thinks, "i can make it to the bed" he takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again. he says, "this is bad. i really gotta stop drinking." he manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.
the next morning his wife comes into the room bringing him his coffee and says,"did you have a lot to drink last night?" paddy says, "i did jess, but how'd you know?"
"mick called-----you left your wheelchair at the bar."

[Colleens_Husband]

Juanita, that was really funny.


What is big and yellow and can't swim?

A bulldozer.

(That is my youngest daughter, Maire's favorite joke.)

[PinkGirl]

What is a polygon?

A dead parrot.

[PinkGirl]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."

[Colleens_Husband]

Pink Girl, thats real funny and it brings back fond memories.

[juanita]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a campling trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied,"I see millions and millions of stars,"
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a moment. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarte past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorlogically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot! It tells me someone has stolen our tent!"

[Sheila]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

FLOOR 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


FLOOR 2 These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more. So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

FLOOR 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:<S>
</S>

FLOOR 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it! '

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

FLOOR 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

FLOOR 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.<O:p></O:p>

[Bill]

You guys have me cracking up! I'm the most pitiful joke-teller there is, but what is white and black and red all over...........a newspaper....Love ya, Becky!

[Vi Schorpp]

And they say blondes are dumb.

A housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. From the laundry room, he shouted, "What setting do I use?"
"It depends," the wife replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

[StephN]

Subject: Roosters


John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the b ells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet , do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair a nd he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise award as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

[Bill]

Steph, and all of you, lol! Pssst, hey Becky! Hey, Becky! Wake up! How do you fix a chimpanzee?............use a monkey wrench.....

[juanita]

what's a ghosts favorite kind of pie?



booberry

[LizDT]

I'm new to this site, but not to bc. i am a friend of Maryann D and lurk. Ladies and gentleman of this site, I have come to love you all, so I am going to tell a joke. I love to laugh because cancer cells hate the sound of laughter so we make the enviorment very hostile to cancer. Ever little bit helps.
Father Pat went to Mary Margaret's house after hearing Mary's husband James had dies.
Father Pat asks "Mary, James is dead?'

[LizDT]

Sorry. got cut off. Here I go again
Father Pat went to Mary Margaret's house after hearing Mary's husband James had dies.
Father Pat asks "Mary, James is dead?'
"Yes" she replies, "James is dead, dead, dead."
Father then asks "Mary Margaret, was it sudden?"
Mary Margaret replies "Yes Father, very sudden, and he is dead dead dead."
Father Pat asks"Did James have any last words?"

[LizDT]

Father Pat went to Mary Margaret's house after hearing Mary's husband James had died.
Father Pat asks "Mary, James is dead?'
"Yes" she replies, "James is dead, dead, dead."
Father then asks "Mary Margaret, was it sudden?"
Mary Margaret replies "Yes Father, very sudden, and he is dead dead dead."
Father Pat asks"Did James have any last words?"
"Yes Father, he did", responds Mary Margaret.
Father asks"tell me, what where his last words Mary Margaret"
Mary Margaret looks at Father Pat and says yes.
Father Pat is getting a little angry and asks, "Well Mary Margaret, what were James' last words"
Well Father, replies the bereaved widow, "James, my beloved said Mary Margaret, put down that gun."

Soryy about the three false starts.... Liz T

[hutchibk]

Welcome LizDT!! LOL, love it!

[hutchibk]

Oh, Vi - 'University of Oklahoma'- hahahahahaha... all my okie relatives will love it!

[PinkGirl]

Ain't it the Truth!!!


A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.

'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.


The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.


She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' she screams,

'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'

[juanita]

jeff was sitting at the table and reading the paper during breakfast. he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was primarily known for his lack of intelligence. he turned to his wife and said, "i'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." his wife replied, "why thank you dear!"

[Vi Schorpp]

I hope they love it -- never mean to offend anyone!

[naturaleigh]

Two blonds living in Boston went out one night to the sea shore. They sat on a bench looking up at the night sky.

Blonde #1 - I wonder which is further, California or the Moon.

Blonde #2 - Well duh, that's a no brainer, California is further.

Blonde #1 - How do you know that?

Blonde #2 - Can you see California from here?

[naturaleigh]

It only a joke. . . or is it?

President George Bush and first Lady Laura Bush were taking a road trip.

They stopped into a convenience store to buy gas and a few munchies. While inside, the clerk behind the counter came up to Laura and she in turn gave him a BIG hug and a kiss. George needless to say, got a little perturbed.

They got back into the car and George asked Laura, "so who in the world was that fellow"?

Laura responded: "He was the guy that I dated before you and almost married."

George then stuck his chest proudly and said, "Well aren't you glad you married me??? If you married him you would be the wife of a Convenience Store clerk!!"

Laura response:


"No, if I married him, then he would be the President"!!

[Bill]

Naw, 'Nita that's a good one!

[harrie]

Capoeira ...wmv (1552.2 KB) (http://by136w.bay136.mail.live.com/mail/ScanAttachment.aspx?messageid=cb8af87b-2eeb-476b-8396-bc0a64afa74c&bissafe=True&attindex=0&cp=20127&attdepth=0)

[Colleens_Husband]

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him down an Alp.

[juanita]

a blonde returned home from work to find her house ransacked and burglarized. she called the police and reported the crime. a k-9 unit was the first on the scene. as the officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch and moaned, "i come home from work to find all my possesssions stolen....i call the police and what do they do? they send a BLIND policeman!"

[Mary Jo]

Hi Everyone...

I always forget to look at "Keeping Your Mind Off Of BC" - I had so much fun reading these jokes....I have one too............

'A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home in time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned. Then at 8:00 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway. "What happened" says the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!" "Harry had a heart attack at the third hole" says the husband. "Oh that's terrible" says the wife. "I know" the husband answers. All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Harry...hit the ball, drag Harry.....

Hahahahaha! Sorry that's the best I could do. Hahahahaha!

Mary Jo

[juanita]

Cute!
A young woman was brought before a judge to answer for a ticket she received for running a red light She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher, and requested that her case be dismissed so she could get back to her charges at school. Upon hearing this, a gleam came into the judges eye. "So you're a school teacher? I've waited for years to have a schoolteacher in my courtroom," he said. "Now sit down at the table right there and write "I will not run red lights" 500 times."

[StephN]

<BIG><BIG>For all of us who are---seniors OR have a bad case of chemobrain. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
</BIG></BIG>
<BIG><BIG>

And, Speaking of Senior Moments: </BIG></BIG>

'<BIG><BIG>WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was. </BIG></BIG>

<BIG><BIG>'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday .... The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'</BIG></BIG>

<BIG><BIG>There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.... As she was heard to mutter 'Well, shoot ... So that's why no one was at church today.' </BIG></BIG>

[hutchibk]

A wise sage once professed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

[Colleens_Husband]

You didn't finish off a case of spray cheese? If you did you would be feeling freaking great.

[hutchibk]

No, I thought that might be unhealthy...

[Bill]

Marejo's funny joke reminded me of a true story. Several years back, a group of my friends went deep sea fishing for marlin on a charter boat. Rick was in the fishing chair when all of a sudden a giant Blue Marlin nails the bait and takes off. Everyone gathers around and watches as this huge fish is taking line and once in awhile as Rick is fighting him, jumps through the air! This was a huge, very strong fish, and if you've never hooked into one, it's alot of exertion to land them. After about 20 minutes of hard fighting, Rick grabs his chest and falls out of the seat and says, "I'm having a heart attack!" At that point 3 men almost break their necks fighting to get into the seat and grab the fishing rod and reel so that the fish couldn't get away! No one lunges for Rick as he slumps to the deck! After about 30 seconds, Jimmy winds up in the chair and reels in the slack and they determine the fish is still hooked and the fight resumes. Everyone cheers! Then they all look at Rick, who by this time has crawled over to lean against the side of the boat, obviously having a heart attack. Mind you, these guys have been fishing buddies for years. Jimmy says, "hey man! are you ok?" Rick says,"I'm having a heart attack" Everyone is still at the stern rail waiting for the Marlin to jump again. I'm not sure who asks, but someone says, "what do you want us to do?" Rick says,"that's the biggest fish I ever hooked into. You fight that GD thing and bring him on board!" LOL, yet another cheer goes up. Every few minutes or so, someone goes to sit with Rick while he's having his heart attack. At one point the captain shouts down from the pilothouse, "what's going on down there?" Rick says,"Just tell him I'm resting! If he knows I'm having a heart attack, he'll turn the boat around" The bait boy knows what's going on, but everyone assures him that he will get a great tip, so he doesn't tell the captain, but he feels bad for Rick, so he puts a cold, wet rag on his head and gives him a bottle of water and then goes back to the rail to watch the marlin jump. Periodically, they check on Rick, but he insists that this heart attack doesn't seem as bad as the others, and that they should keep fighting the fish. Once in awhile Rick shouts encouragement from the deck and asks how the fight is going. One time he actually crawled back over to the chair and wanted to take a turn in it, but the guys, who were taking turns in the fighting chair, wouldn't let him, telling him he had to "rest". They did check once in awhile to see if he wanted to bee-line back to shore, but Rick wanted that fish. Finally, after 4 HOURS! they got the marlin aboard and told the captain, "we're not sure, but we think maybe Rick had a little heart attack alittle while ago. Maybe we should head back to the dock." They shot back to the dock and had an ambulance waiting for Rick upon arrival.

[PinkGirl]

I've got one too, but not as serious as a heart attack. A long
time ago, the Toronto Blue Jays (baseball team) were having a
very good season and ended up winning the World Series. My
husband and I, friend Bob and his daughter Brandy, were in our
basement family room, watching a very important game.

The phone rang and it was for friend Bob. With our eyes glued
to the television set, we could overhear his conversation. It went
like this: "What?......who?......hit by a taxi?.....is the ambulance
there yet?.....okay..... thanks..."

He hung up the phone and continued to watch the game. We all
looked at him, waiting for an explanation. With his eyes glued to
the TV, he said "Deb was hit by taxi while crossing Whitewood Ave."

We waited ... he said "the ambulance isn't there yet, we can watch
the end of this inning". Brandy started to cry "mommy...... she was
hit by a taxi????". We watched the end of the inning, put a VCR
tape in, and all went to the hospital.

[Colleens_Husband]

A clown, a baby seal, and a dyslexic rabbit walk into a club. The bartender says to the clown, "Your not going to start any funny business are you?" The baby seal says, "Don't worry, he is a sad clown, he won't be any trouble." The clown asks, "Do you have an Kosher dill pickles? " Then the dyslexic rabbit says................

Oh wait a minute. I forgot this joke was wholly and completely inappropriate for this forum. Never mind.

[hutchibk]

A penguin takes his car into the shop and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out. He goes across the street to the 7-11 to kill some time and get an ice cream. But because he's got no hands, the penguin gets the ice cream all over his beak. He goes back to the shop and the mechanic tells him "well, it looks like you blew a seal" - and the penguin tells him "naw, that's just a little ice cream"...

OK, not totally clean, but really funny!

[Sheila]

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The
doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January.'

[RobinP]

Whoa, Becky, congrats for all your posts and helpful communications here! Way to go, girl.

Since you are the expert in MEDICAL here goes some medical jokes:

WHY DID THE COOKIE GO TO THE DOCTOR?
HE WAS FEELING CRUMMY.

WHY DO SOME DOCTORS PRACTICE MEDICINE SO LONG?
THEY ARE TRYING TO LEARN TO DO IT RIGHT,

WHAT DID THE DOC SAY TO THE PATIENY AFTER SURGERY?
THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU.

CAN COFFE MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER WITH THE FLU DOC?
IT MADE MAX-WELL.

HOPE THESE MADE YOU LAUGH, BEC.

[juanita]

a minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. the group surrounded a dog. concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "what are you doing with that dog?" one of the boys replied, "this dog is just an old neighborhood stray. we all want him, but only one of us can take him home, so we're having a contest. we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." taken quite aback, the minister said, "you boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he then launched into a 10 minute sermon against lying, beginning with "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with "why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." there was dead silence for about a minute. just as the minister was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "all right, give him the dog."

[Sheila]

Subject: Important new health advice for women



IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN:
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from Shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to fell better and more confident about
yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness
and let you tell the world that you are ready and willing to do just about
anything.
You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you
had. Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing
should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or
becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic
lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss
of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headaches,
dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night
rounds of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare and naked Twister.

WARNINGS:

The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believe that ex
lovers are really dying for you to call/text them at 4 in the
morning.

The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking then most people.

[hutchibk]

I've heard that Tequila is another in the same class of drugs... the added side effect with Tequila is that it makes your clothes fall off.

[Sheila]

Gee, I feel shortchanged, I just fell off the barstool.

[Bill]

Sheila, that Chardonnay joke was hilarious!

[juanita]

st peter and satan were having an argument about football. satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand picked team. "very well," said st. peter. "but you realize, i hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." satan replied, "i know, and that's all right. we've got all of the referees."

[hutchibk]

My onc told me this one the other day - (he has 4 kids all under the age of 7)

Why was the ant so confused?

Because all of his uncles were ants...

[Sheila]

Retirement plans compared...


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original
$1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines stock you
would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have
nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year
ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for
recycling,
you would have $214.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is
to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

[StephN]

Hi gang!
Hope this one is "clean" enough. Most of us can relate ...

Subject: ROOM 302



A sweet grandmother telephoned <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://her2support.org/vbulletin/ /><st1:City w:st=St. Joseph</st1:City>'s Hospital. She timidly asked,
'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number? '

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood
pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news.

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The Grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me ANYTHING.'<O:p

[Soccermom]

Roflmao...

[Sheila]

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the st ains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
<!-- end of AOLMsgPart_2_bf6334c2-1f88-4f91-b6f0-42bf3c1ec806 --><STYLE>.AOLWebSuite .AOLPicturesFullSizeLink { height: 1px; width: 1px; overflow: hidden; } .AOLWebSuite a {color:blue; text-decoration: underline; cursor: pointer}</STYLE><LINK href="http://o.aolcdn.com/cdn.webmail.aol.com/39155/aol/en-us/microformat.css" type=text/css rel=stylesheet>

[Soccermom]

double roflmao

[StephN]

Hey peeps! We need to freshen up this thread - most of us need a good chuckle! This is fairly timely ...

Doctors' Opinions of Government's Financial Bail Out Package

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some a**holes in Washington, D.C.

[StephN]

WE STILL NEED OUR CHUCKLES to keep our Endorphins working!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

[Colleens_Husband]

My oldest daughter, Heather, has a very warped sense of humor. I cannot for the life of me figure out where she got that. Anyways, these are examples of jokes that Heather thinks are the funniest:


What is red and goes up and down?

A tomato in an elevator.


What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.


What is long green and has six wheels?

Grass, except for the wheels part.


She may be a big goof, but she's my big goof.