Insensitive comments people say!

[lizm100]

I'm sorry but I need to vent to someone who will understand. Wednesday night I was at a school function for my 11 year old and ran into an old collleague of mine. Now this colleague is a professional who I worked with in a hospital for a decade. She asked me if there's anything new and asked how I'm doing in general. She did not know the fact that I was diagnosed with BC in January and skin cancer in April so I told her what has been going on in my life.

After I told her my story, her eyes opened wide as she told me of another colleague of hers who just died of BC a few days ago. She said "Sara was in remission for 15 years..doing great and the BC came back with a vengence and she went down quick, I just went to her funeral yesterday". I felt sick to my stomach after this story, didn't enjoy the school function, couldn't sleep, still feel anxious and so on..... This story did not benefit me at all since I didn't know Sara because she started working at the hospital after I left.

Maybe I'm overly sensitive because I just finished radiation a week ago and still feel very unsettled about BC. I know with time it will get easier but shouldn't a professional person who works in a hospital know better than to say this to me?

I have had numerous other insensitive comments made and learned that people need to pay attention to what their saying or just not say anything if their not sure of what to say.

Thank you to those who read this....I just needed to vent.... Please feel free to share any of your stories, I would love to read them.

Liz

[Leslie's sister]

Liz:

I just don't get people sometimes. And from a professional that works in a hospital.....

Something similar happened to my sister right after diagnosis. I was having a party at my house and my sister, myself and a friend were sitting at a table making small talk. Finally the friend decided that it was time to talk about my sister's recent diagnosis & started asking questions. My sister was fine with it and then out of the blue the friend starts talking about someone else she knows whose cancer came back, wasn't doing well and was probably going to die soon. My sister handled it very well. She just got up and walked away from the table. The friend had a puzzled look on her face, like hey what was that all about. Duh!

Lisa

[dlaxague]

Yeah, there are some doozy (doozie?) comments made. And there is silence, or turning away and avoiding eye contact. A rare few happen to hit it right, at the right time - and sometimes that's just luck, catching us in the right mood.

There is such fear around cancer. And there's such fear about saying THE WRONG THING. None of that is about us, or really, about them. It's about fear, and we should try not to take these comments personally.

I admire the person who tries to say something, no matter how it comes out. I give everyone credit for trying, and my take-away message from whatever awkward comment is made is that they cared enough about me to make the effort, despite their fear and awkwardness. Like in the song - "what they're really saying is ... I ... love ... you".

I think that one reason I was/am able to interpret interactions this way is that during most of treatment, I had an online community of breast cancer survivors and their loved ones who did understand, when I needed to vent.

Plus there was not a moment that I was unaware that people die from breast cancer, and that I could die. I cannot say that comments that re-state that fact bother me at all. Actually (thinking about it now), I probably appreciate that kind of comment more, because it acknowledges the seriousness of the situation. As opposed to dismissing it, as do the "rah, rah, you'll do fine, don't worry, positive attitude" kind of comments - which are far in the majority. But that's just me. And again, I quickly learned to focus not on exactly what they say but on the caring behind the comment.

I hope that venting has now helped you, too, Liz.

Debbie Laxague

[Colleens_Husband]

Liz:

I am sorry you had to deal with such a ninny. Some people hear one thing and then the random synapsal firings of the brains connect things together and those thoughts just begin pouring out of their mouths without first checking in at the "should I be saying this" processing center. And other people are just dumb-asses.

Being a person of the male persuasion, sometimes I let fly without thinking, especially around my wife. She just gives me the "I don't want to even think about cancer, especially now, possibly never. If you want to talk about the 'C' word, go outside and talk to the cat." look. Thats fair enough. However, if someone other than the immediate family tries to talk about my wife about some Terms of Endearment thing, I feel it is my duty as a male person to be the jerk and say something like, "Are you sure this is the kind of thing you want to be saying to someone who is in a fight for survival"?

Mind you, it hasn't actually worked. They give me the stink eye and finish their story but at least I tried. What can you say? Some people are dunderheads.

Lee

[NanaKaren]

I had a similar situation happen to me that left me rattled. I too, work in a hospital and a co-worker is in the middle of her treatment. I ran into her one day and asked how she was doing. She explained that she was doing OK, but that her mother had just died of breast cancer. But that her mother was Her2 and she was SO glad she wasn't. I told her I was Her2 and of course she couldn't apologize enough. It still left me shaken and upset the rest of the day. It is such a great comfort to come to this site and feel like you are not alone. As always, all my love..Nana Karen

[lilyecuadorian]

stupid old colleague !!!

[chrisy]

That people are just ignorant and clueless! Now I can add scared, too. People don't know what to say. But they feel like they should say something and end up saying something COMPLETELY wrong.

I've had my share of people saying really stupid things - often they are really good friends who I know love me and are just trying to be kind.

My top 3 favorites:
(3) From a newly diagnosed acquaintance: "Well, I'm going to be very aggressive with my treatments because I don't want to end up like you" (with mets!)
(2) A really good friend sent me a beautiful flower arrangement upon hearing of my recurrence. The card with the flowers said "with sympathy"! That one made me laugh, and I had to tell him that usually the sympathy cards are for AFTER you're dead!

And still holding the #1 spot on the stupid things people say wall of shame....TA DAAAA..

"I was trying to put myself in your shoes and how I would feel. You know, I've always wanted to die first (before my husband), too!"

This last one was a very very dear friend and although I knew she was trying to speak out of love, I just hung up the phone and was shaking and crying as I told my hubby what she had just said! BTW, she and her husband (both still living!) are STILL very dear friends...

In fact, that last one I told to my business/personal networking group which is like my extended family. They were so upset when I told them my cancer had recurred, but then were also afraid THEY might say something stupid! So we made a deal: I told them that I knew they loved me, and if they ever unwittingly said something wrong, I would just say to them "I know you meant that out of love" and then we would laugh together.

People really are good, they're actually God's best things. But sometimes we're just dumb!

[harrie]

I know exactly what you are saying. That use to drive me NUTS! There were a fair number of people that would immediately tell me of someone they knew that died of cancer. I would get SO irritated, but I suppose it was just their way of relating. They did not have a clue.
How much nicer it would be to hear of someone they knew that survived...and for a really long time!! But I guess they don't make as much of an impact on people as the ones that died. Who the h- knows...

[kcherub]

Funny...it seems that people loooove to tell me about their mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, friend, second cousin twice removed who died of BC. Every time someone gives me that "look" and tells me something like this, I grind my teeth and think "WTF?" I actually have a blog where I talk about what NOT to ask me after my BC.

Then, I realize--they want to say something. They want me to feel/know that they have been touched by BC, although in a totally un-PC way.

Having been a part of the PG. loss community for many years, people say things like this in all sorts of uncomfortable/scary situations. It's not fair, but I like to think that they aren't trying to scare me, or seem uncaring. It just comes out totally wrong. Who knows if I have said anything inappropriate over the years before PG. loss and BC? I shudder to think...

That being said, I understand how your feelings were hurt and you were offended. Just take in stride, and know that you would NEVER make the same mistake. Especially now. :)

Take care,

[Sherryg683]

I get offended when someone acts like it's no big deal. I've had so many people say "Oh', you're lucky it isn't anything more serious they have so many cures for breast cancer now".. I always feel I have to say.."well, I'm stage IV and there is no cure". I always hear the stories about the aunt, mother that has been living 30 years with BC. That's nice to hear and I"m glad, but we're not in the same boat. Oh yea, my sister in law does the annual cancer candle light walk thing they have here...she emailed me a picture of my candle burning in the bag, it said in big letters "IN MEMORY OF SHERRY GAUTREAU"...lol...Hell last time I looked I was still kicking and kicking better than her...lol...sherryg683

[harrie]

High 5 Girls!!

[Sheila]

OH but I have one to even top this stupidity
Last week, I received a phone call from a former co worker....she was so glad when I answered the phone...OK, I haven't talked to her in a couple months, but gee....then she said...I had to call you because I got a call from someone today who said you had passed away. I was shocked...so I said, well why are you calling then...she of course said she knows me well enough to know that I would probably find the humor in this situation...we talked for an hour, and ended with...if I was going to die, I'd surely let you know friend!m Later that night, I got another call from a girlfriend I had worked with (all within the same construction company)...she calls occasionally, we do lunch when she is in the area...she started the phone call off with idle chit chat....I had to stop and ask her if she was calling to see if I was still alive. She was silent....but then admitted she had heard the same rumor, and called to verify it....at that point I was upset, mad, hurt....what would make someone do that? Then after talking, we figured someone had heard about another man who works with my husband whose wfe died last week from cancer....a simple mistake of mistaken identity? I hope so...but as an added bonus to my pain and suffering, I asked her to please announce to her coworkers that in lieu of flowers, I would prefer cash donations that I could send to my favorite charity...I am still awaiting the funds!

[Barbara H.]

I know how bad off I am, but still feel fortunate to be here. For some reason, these kinds of comments do not bother me. Nevertheless, I can understand why others are very offended. I am much more upset when people tip toe around me and are afraid to inform me of such issues because they are afraid it will make me upset.

I guess I compare it to this website. I am very upset when a member here is having a difficult time, but I would feel worse if we were protected from knowing what is going on.

I hope that makes sense.

Best wishes,
Barbara H.

[Sherryg683]

Shelia, I like that cash donation thing....sounds like a good idea to me...lol..sherryg683

[Sheila]

Sherry...I could see expensive shoes in my future!!!!!

[lilyecuadorian]

well I forgot to said that every time someone said something stupid ....I go and said "Oh do you have your mammogram yet ???, the rate of breast cancer is too high?, doesn't matter what age you are ??? my suggestion is for you to go and get a mammogram? .....that way I felt like it I pass the "worried ball" to them ....

....

[Chelee]

Liz, I can certainly understand your need to vent. You would think a professional person that worked in a hospital would know better then that. I know some people are good at not letting these comments bother them but I know I'm not one of them.

Since being DX over two years ago I too have heard all the stories about someones friend or family member that had cancer and is now passed away. (Is that to cheer me up?) Why don't people use their heads before speaking. Long before I was ever DX with cancer I was very careful to choose my words when someone told me they had cancer...so I'm sorry but I just don't understand half of what comes out of these people's mouths?

Just recently my step-daughter that lives up North from me calls and says, "Guess what, I'm coming down in June to see you so whatever you do DON'T die before I get there". (Its NOT that far away till "June", I'm pretty sure I can hang in there till then. ) In all seriousness it really did upset me. I couldn't believe she said that to me.

Then since my mother passed away last August my brother & I have been at odds over her estate. So I'm on the phone with my Aunt telling her how my own brother thinks he's entitled to everything and I'm to get nothing although the will says "share & share alike". I was telling my Aunt how my Brother is all I have left out of my imediate family so I just want us to get along. I explained to her all the offers I made him where in the long run he comes out ahead. I was making sure he could keep the house but pay me some rent or something. After she hears all my offers to my brother she says, "Oh Chelee I can't believe he didn't take you up on any of those offers. After all you have cancer so he will eventually end up with everything anyway". Then she followed it up with even more remarks about me recurring and dying since I'm a stage III. She let me know my brother isn't very smart not taking me up on my offeres since basically I WON'T be here. (I swear...I'd had enough lately.) (Liz...seems your not the only one that needed to vent.) lol

Chelee

[Becky]

Well, what a thread this is. My father (who has been gone over 17 years) used to remind me that "God didn't make everyone smart, Becky. Always remember that".

And not everyone is smart - maybe not rock dumb, but certainly not smart. Or they have the social skills of a 5 yr old (remember when you had a new boyfriend and your little cousin asks "Are you going to get married?")

Well, I finished chemo and radiation. As many of you know, I got Herceptin late because it wasn't available when I was on chemo. So, after I could get it, I go into my (then) boss and tell him that I am going to take Herceptin for a year and will leave work early every 3 weeks. I explain everything, the trial results and that it will be standard care for newly diagnosed - articles and that all is well but Herceptin will throw things in my favor that all stays well. And he says, "Are you going to die?"

Well my heart sank but for once in my life I was quick on my feet and told him, "Why of course and so are you. Everybody dies one day." And that was the end of that.

Like my dad said, not everybody is smart and we just have to get used to it.

[Bill]

Good Lord, I don't have enough cyber-ink to comment individually to y'all, but I cringed with each post. One time Nicola and I were eating in a restaurant, and a woman approached our table, and said,"excuse me, but I noticed that you're wearing a scarf, and don't have any hair. Do you have cancer?" She meant well, and invited us to her church, but still it bothered us.

[lizm100]

Wow what a response! Bill you took the words right out my mouth... so to speak. All of you are great...it's nice to have all of you here. I do feel better after venting and am glad to see that I'm not the only one this has happened to. There are those out there who don't fully understand breastcancer and how it changes your life forever and those who have good intentions but just don't know what to do or say...I'm sure it will happen many many many more times. Your stories made me laugh and cry at the same time, thank you for sharing them. Anyone else...please feel free to add your story too.

Hugs to all,
Liz

[Sherryg683]

It's funny you mention that Bill because whenever I see a woman who you can definately tell is going through chemo, I want to go up and talk to her and give her a hug and some reassurance. I guess going through it all myself, I can relate. But I don't usually do it. I have on occaision said something, then told them that I am going through the same thing, even though I appear totally healthy now on the outside. It's hard to know who will welcome hearing from another "cancer fighter" and who would rather not talk about it, it's a hard line...sherryg683

[harrie]

Keep in mind that alopecia, although not as common, may also be caused by other conditions other then cancer and chemo tx. Some autoimmune conditions may also lead to hair loss.

[NanaKaren]

Interesting you should mention alopecia, Harrie, as I was in a garden center last weekend when I approached a lady in a "pink" baseball cap and told her I recognized the "signs". She thanked me for my concern, but said she actually has alopecia, but got comments all the time.

[chicagoetc]

Another statement, but truly silly:

About 12 years ago I had a lumpectomy. Before getting it I was expressing my fears to a friend. BC runs in my family so I had always been scared of something happening to me. My "friend" told me not to worry, that it was probably nothing. She explained that her mother had 15 lumpectomies or so before she was diagnosed with cancer. [I.e. everything was benign until the 16th.]

I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

Melanie

PS: [My lumpectomy results were benign.]

[Bill]

Sherry, I know what you mean. I carry a folder with me at all times full of Her2support.org flyers and if it comes up in conversation, I'll promote the site and hand out a flyer or two. On my trip to AZ, I saw a woman on the plane who was apparently battling or had battled cancer recently. It wasn't alopecia. I wanted to introduce her to this wonderful site, but didn't want to be insensitive, so I just complimented her on the beautiful ear-rings she was wearing, she said Thank you and then I merely opened my folder full of brochures, and knew that she was looking at them as well. She didn't say anything, but at least that way, the ball was in her court. While I was in AZ, dining at a small lodge in the mountains, a couple sat down at the table next to ours. Same thing, I could just tell. The woman had the "herceptin cough". I wanted to strike up a conversation, as it was a very intimate setting, but I realized she was on vacation, too, and it wasn't appropriate, so I didn't. It's just that everyone who finds this site has benefited, so I'm eager to spread the word. It's impossible to tell who would like to have it brought up, and who wouldn't.

[harrie]

Melanie,
Wow, 15 lumpectomies!!! She must have been REALLY BIG to have enough breast tissue to do THAT many!! Sounds like a candidate for the Guinness Book!
Maryanne

[chicagoetc]

Ok, maybe it was 11 or 9 or 8...but it was a large number. [Does tissue grow back after a lumpectomy?] Maybe my friend was exaggerating...or maybe her mother is/was a large woman. Or maybe she was referring to biopsies. That would make more sense.

Still....

Melanie

[madubois63]

Vent, vent, vent...People say the DUMBEST things. She was very insensitive to you, but maybe the death really bothered her as it was still so new. I've had many, many stupid things said to me over the years. My favorite was just after having my mastectomy. I shared a room with a woman that just was diagnosed with diabetes. She wasn't accepting this and the social worker (that never saw me behind the curtain - all bald), said to her "Marie, it's not like you have cancer or anything." I pulled the curtain back, looked at the social worker and just said, "EXCUSE ME?" That social worker ran out of that room so fast...

Unfortunately, you will hear many more stupid things as time goes on...

[lizm100]

Maryanne-

You brought back memories of when I worked at a hospital, our social worker many times has stuck her foot in her mouth, in a manner of speaking. She would try to make one patient feel better by accidently making another patient feel worse. The social worker would feel horrible afterwards but the damage was done. I worked on a Pediatric hospice unit so you can imagine... Also, when I was first diagnosed and needed a re-excision, because one margin was questionable, I was paniking that I had to wait a couple of weeks for the 2nd surgery. The social worker at the breast center who heads the breast cancer support group told me "don't worry it's probably a slow growing cancer". I looked at her & told her that I was hormonally negative and Her2+++ and she didn't know what to say at that point.


Liz