Joy
05-01-2008, 02:30 PM
Hi everyone, first let me say that I'm very sad about Kate and join with you all in paryer and hope for this amazing woman.
Secondly, although, I feel selfish posting right now, but just needed to connect with you wonderful people. I am having my oophers removed on Tuesday. I'm trying to energize that it will be no big deal. I did start faslodex at 500mg and herceptin loading dose a week ago. Had a pretty rough afternoon after that, but had a reason to rally that I'll share in a sec. I'm so hoping this works as I have never been happier in my entire life than I am right now-even before cancer I think.
So as I shared I was proposed to and it seemed exciting except then all these nagging concerns I had with this person became amplified. There was some dishonesty and some neglected basic responsibilities and a very complicated and mysterious divorce that there is no way in which I'll know the truth. So after a lot of soul searching and recoiling I chose to break it off completely. It didn't go terribly well when I tried to talk it out and so I made it pretty abrupt. In my journal I realized that my drawings reflected a lot of sadness until I made the desicion to be done, then the drawings became liberated and I felt so much better. I have a history of ignoring red flags and am so proud of myself for looking at these carefully. So recently my best friend and I went out to discuss all of this and how I was feeling good about my decision even though I knew it would be hard. As we were leaving I ran into a former student of mine ( I used to teach childbirth classes) and this was a dad that always stuck out in my mind as a brialliant sweet person who would make a wonderful father and ...he's hot. Anyway it turns out that he and his wife had divorced a few years ago and he was deemed the stable parent (which is no surprise to me) so he has almost full custody of his 7 and 9 year old. It was great to catch up and he asked for my number. Well, we have connected in a way that I NEVER thought possible. I have never experienced a connection with someone as I do with him and he confessed that when I was their teacher, although he knew what was appropriate in his life at the time and acted accordingly, he developed a crush on me ( i was even pregnant at the time). Which is so funny because I had thought of all the dads I worked with he never left my mind. I couldn't believe what he was telling me. And we ran in similar circles for several years and he knows about my health struggles already. So he said when he saw me that night he couldn't let me go. It has been so inspiring and life affirming and renewed my fighting spirit. Not that I lost it as I have so many reasons to live regardless of him, but this is something so amazingly special. My last relationship began to wear on me as I felt like this person was resting everyhting on me to provide his happiness and I can't do that. Did that with my first husband and when I finally left he attempted suicide-it was a horrible time, one I never want to repeat as I stayed with him so unhappily for too long. And as weird as this sounds I actually started to see cancer as an out with my last relationship, which felt pretty dysfunctional. Now I see every reason to kick cancer's butt HARD. No one outside of my kids has inspired that in such a happy way before. It is crazy I know, but wow am I happy. I've been dancing all day!
thanks for listening, just wanted to share my happiness.
Secondly, although, I feel selfish posting right now, but just needed to connect with you wonderful people. I am having my oophers removed on Tuesday. I'm trying to energize that it will be no big deal. I did start faslodex at 500mg and herceptin loading dose a week ago. Had a pretty rough afternoon after that, but had a reason to rally that I'll share in a sec. I'm so hoping this works as I have never been happier in my entire life than I am right now-even before cancer I think.
So as I shared I was proposed to and it seemed exciting except then all these nagging concerns I had with this person became amplified. There was some dishonesty and some neglected basic responsibilities and a very complicated and mysterious divorce that there is no way in which I'll know the truth. So after a lot of soul searching and recoiling I chose to break it off completely. It didn't go terribly well when I tried to talk it out and so I made it pretty abrupt. In my journal I realized that my drawings reflected a lot of sadness until I made the desicion to be done, then the drawings became liberated and I felt so much better. I have a history of ignoring red flags and am so proud of myself for looking at these carefully. So recently my best friend and I went out to discuss all of this and how I was feeling good about my decision even though I knew it would be hard. As we were leaving I ran into a former student of mine ( I used to teach childbirth classes) and this was a dad that always stuck out in my mind as a brialliant sweet person who would make a wonderful father and ...he's hot. Anyway it turns out that he and his wife had divorced a few years ago and he was deemed the stable parent (which is no surprise to me) so he has almost full custody of his 7 and 9 year old. It was great to catch up and he asked for my number. Well, we have connected in a way that I NEVER thought possible. I have never experienced a connection with someone as I do with him and he confessed that when I was their teacher, although he knew what was appropriate in his life at the time and acted accordingly, he developed a crush on me ( i was even pregnant at the time). Which is so funny because I had thought of all the dads I worked with he never left my mind. I couldn't believe what he was telling me. And we ran in similar circles for several years and he knows about my health struggles already. So he said when he saw me that night he couldn't let me go. It has been so inspiring and life affirming and renewed my fighting spirit. Not that I lost it as I have so many reasons to live regardless of him, but this is something so amazingly special. My last relationship began to wear on me as I felt like this person was resting everyhting on me to provide his happiness and I can't do that. Did that with my first husband and when I finally left he attempted suicide-it was a horrible time, one I never want to repeat as I stayed with him so unhappily for too long. And as weird as this sounds I actually started to see cancer as an out with my last relationship, which felt pretty dysfunctional. Now I see every reason to kick cancer's butt HARD. No one outside of my kids has inspired that in such a happy way before. It is crazy I know, but wow am I happy. I've been dancing all day!
thanks for listening, just wanted to share my happiness.