Dealing with scared family members

[Faith in Him]

Just wondering how to cope with family members that are having a hard time dealing with your cancer.

My mom is having the most difficult time. She wants to blame my doctors for my local recurrence. I need her to be more positive. I know she is scared. I am her only child. I wish she understood her attitude makes things harder for me.

I have talked to several doctors and feel that we are on the right treatment plan.

Anyhow, if you have been through this, how to you cope?

[Colleen's Husband]

Faith in Him:

I would like to respond willfully admitting that I am a scared family member. If you really love someone who has cancer, why wouldn't you be afraid? Fear and cancer seem to go hand in hand. Can you think of a scarier word than 'cancer'?

Also, fear and anger and resentment seem to be best friends. You don't often see one of the trio without the other two friends close by. It seems to me that your mother is having a perfectly natural response to a big problem which she has absolutely no control over. Her sniping at the doctors may be the only thing that she can do, constructive or otherwise. I think your mother probably thinks she is doing the best she can for you.

Human reactions to fear and stress doesn't fit in a one size fits all cure. There is no magic potion that will change your mother's behavior. Mostly because I doubt she sees she is doing anything wrong. She is just trying to support you in the best way she knows.

Most cancer centers have counseling services to the family members of cancer patients. Usually these counseling services are offered at little or no cost. (Our HMO has a $10 co-pay.) If your mother would be willing to go to the counseling, she may learn more about cancer and she could learn ways to make a positive contribution to you and your family.

Five years ago, I was almost completely paralyzed by a very rare disease called Guillain-Barre' Syndrome. It took many months to regain the full use of my body. I watched Colleen care for me and I realized it was a whole lot harder to be a caregiver than to be a patient. As a patient, all I had to do was everything I could to become whole again while the entire world rested on Colleen's shoulders. The reason I tell you this is because your mother and other caregivers have it rough. Not that you don't either. Just show a little patience and leniency to those who love you dearly.

You will be in our thoughts and prayers,

Lee

[Faith in Him]

Lee,

Thank you so much for your insightful response. It does shed a different light on it for me. It is amazing how this site gives me what I need right when I need it. Answered prayer in my opinion.

Blessings and peace to you,
Tonya

[BonnieR]

Have you been able to express to your mother how you feel? I know it is hard to do. Lee had some wonderful observations and suggestions. Additionally, my cancer center has periodic lectures and group discussions that are relevant and focus on family. And there is an upcoming telephone conferencer for family and friends. Perhaps something similar is offered in your area. Check with the social service dept.
Is there a chance that one of your docs would take the time to explain things to your mom so she feels part of the team?
Keep the faith.