CONTROVERSIAL TOPIC -- hear me out...

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

http://www.her2support.org/vbulletin/images/icons/icon12.gif CONTROVERSIAL SUBJECT -- please hear me out...
<HR style="COLOR: #aa8799" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->I read ILLNESS IS A TEACHING. At first, I was offended. Surely, I did not wish for myself (or any one!) to get ca. But I read further. We all know the mindbody link goes on all day. The mind sends messages to the body, sometimes the body sends messages to the brain, asking for advice as what to do. If we consciously feed our mind with a dialogue that goes something like -- HEAL, I AM COMMANDING YOU TO HEAL AND BECOME WELL AND FUNCTIONING PROPERLY with a heart full of belief and faith in our ability to heal ourselves -- our body responds.

If we are especially stressed, full of anger, resentment, blame, remorse, great sadness, the inability to forgive, a sense of failure, FEAR, much worry and deep concern for our well-being -- our thoughts and our emotions are filled w/a great deal of negative energy. They evoke negative images to go along with them. They evoke the obvious feelings that come along with such ideas and visions. We become a magnetic field calling or drawing negative energy to us from the Universe.

However, if we consciously CHOOSE to fill our heads w/positive thoughts, desired outcomes vs feared and dreaded outcomes -- we can call miraculous results to us, manifesting our dreams. WHAT WE CONTEMPLATE ALL DAY DETERMINES THE END RESULT, for good or bad. KNOWING this power exists, we must consciously choose to be THE MASTER OF OUR FATE and actively participate is our own wellness, programming our thoughts, rather than living victimized by our thoughts. We have the power within us to take charge of our lives!!!!!

I had to work on the forgiveness thing. It was eating at my core. I couldn't let go. All my life I thought what had occured in my childhood could not be changed and therefore I would always feel sorrow for The Child That Was Me. I grieved for her. Was still angry for her. Wanted apologizes for her. Until I saw that in fact I had the power to live in The Now -- where happiness is. That the lost Soul that verbally abused me had not learned how to control his own rage emotions, brilliant though he was. I began to see him as a lost Soul who had failed. I began to feel compassion for him, more than for myself. My love for him sprung up out of no where and filled my heart. And forgiveness soon followed. I made a big ceremony of forgiving him. I wailed and sobbed and all the repressed emotions and thoughts came up out of my Id, the primal part of our mind that REMEMBERS EVERYTHING, unconsciously -- AS IF IT HAPPENED YESTERDAY. Once I freed myself, I began to live more in joy and serenity, even while fighting the ca and the ravaging side effects of the chemo. People asked me, What am I seeing? My countenance was full of bliss and tranquility.

This is what I which for each of you. Somethings to think long and hard about, I know. I pray there are lessons within this posting that will resonate with you. That you will go within yourself and connect with your True Self, at your very center, your Essence. I call it my Soul or Spirit. Once you align yourself with sacred energy, that fragment of divine energy from your Source, your world changes forever. Once you begin to identify yourself as A RADIANT SPIRIT you will become transformed. You will begin to see the world through the eyes of your Soul and love, kindness, generosity of Spirit, humble gratitude and awe will fill you up to overwhelming. That is what I wish for each one of you with all my heart. Bless your life with such KNOWINGS, please... ANDI
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[Vi Schorpp]

A very thought-provoking post...along those lines, I read a book that I never forgot called Man's Search for Meaning, the premise of which was that we cannot control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond. I understand that positive thoughts generate positive feelings. I try to find the good (or if that's impossible, the humor) in something. I know it's easy to focus on the negative, and it's a habit we can get into without being fully conscious of it. Thanks for your post.l

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Yes, we can control how we RESPOND. Our illness does not define us, but rather how we choose to respond says who we truly are. I agree, always look for the good -- or the humor -- AND seek out the Lesson buried within the obstacles.

THOUGHTS CAN BE VERY ADDICTIVE. Becoming AWARE of our thought paterns and determining to alter them (with our Free Will and our power of "choice") is EMPOWERING! We need not live victimized by sour, negative, fear-riddled thoughts. We need to stop thinking of ourselves of being the victim. I think of myself as LUCKY! It could have been so much worse, I believe. My husband says if I were lucky I'd have never had bc. But I respectfully disagree. Wholeheartedly as a matter of fact. I have chosen to respond with a positive dialogue running in my head. I choose to rewrite my thoughts and go with the happy images they conjure up. That is the energy I want to put out into the Universe, KNOWING it will be sensed and responded to IN KIND.

Sending loving, healing energy to all... ANDI (BB)

[saleboat]

Hello,

I want to make sure that I'm reading this correctly. Are you suggesting that our thoughts can influence our health? Our thoughts can influence our battle with cancer?

Just wondering.

Jen

[Mary Jo]

Hi Andrea,

I was thinking of just ignoring your post as far as a response goes but thought better of it and must repond for the benefit of all my her2 friends who are struggling with recurrence and/or progression of this horrible disease.

I do agree with you when you say that we can choose how we respond to our situations BUT to insinuate (and that is a VERY LARGE BUT) that we can control our overall health by the type of attitude we exhibit is simply not true. I know many, many, many people who have VERY positive attitudes ~ have a fighting spirit and sadly have succumbed to cancer progression to NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN.

I'm sorry to come across a bit harsh on this issue but it really strikes a cord with me and I'm sure with those who have had progression. No one EVER should be made to feel that their outcomes had ANYTHING to do with their attitudes etc. It simply isn't so.

Mary Jo

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Your body is a reflection of your psychological state. I am saying that treating the "symptoms" (the cancer, the bad back, the migraine) will not cure you. YOU MUST HEAL what is buried, repressed unconsciously in your Id. We each carry a "reservoir of rage" (Dr. John Sarno in THE DIVIDED MIND -- fabulous but slow read -- so much to absorb!). It lurks beneath the surface and pops up. He says the Superego believes it is protecting us by creating a malfunction or pain in our body, to distract us from delving into what is unhealed in our minds.

Searching in your mind's attic you must uncover what you've naturally repressed, too emotionally painful to investigate, we think. But once we get past that hesitation, and look for and allow ourselves to feel those horrid emotions, we become healed, free from them, free from physical dysfunction. The mindbody link is real. Our breathing, our healing, our blinking all come from signals from the body to the mind and the mind's response. Some is unconsciously carried out. But truly healing involves our being holistically/totally proactively involved!

We have all suffered traumas in our lives we'd like to hide from. Hence our reservoir of rage, coming out inappropriately at a stranger or loved one who "triggers" our reaction as the situation or a word reminds us of past emotional pain. Once we become aware of the tricks our mind plays on us, we can consciously seek to fix the psychological problems we all have. We can heal our emotional wounds. We also have the power to command our body to HEAL. THE BODY HEARS EVERYTHING YOU THINK OR WHISPER -- and takes it very literally. It responds, following orders as directed.

When I say It's killing me watching my husband suffering so much pain from the shingles he just got, I hesitate. I hear that energy. I will NOT allow it to kill me, I counter. Knowing my body will hear my thought. I correct immediately so as not to send the wrong message. I will remain well and healthy, strong, brave and determined, stable with NED! Still it hurts to see my wonderful husband in so much pain. It will not kill me, however. Because I will not allow it. I am alert to my thoughts and thought patterns all day. I monitor them, to weed out fears, wandering worries, doubts, alarm and replace the energy of my thoughts w/loving energy full of compassion, kindness, generosity, gratitude and awe. I then reap a sense of joy and serenity knowing I am doing my job -- staying well, directing my body to do as it is supposed to, per my instructions.

Sending loving, healing energy... ANDI (BB)

[Mary Anne in TX]

Hi Andi! I think about my thoughts like sunshine and rain. It seems to me that when I control my thinking, I am adding the healing power of sunshine into my body and spirit. Not sure what depth to which the healing goes, but I know that my thoughts give me peace or give me frustration. I'm a retired librarian and history teacher (plus other adventures) and I love ideas and the freedom to think and believe as I'm brave enough to do. My mom never restricted what I read and I am today so very grateful to her. Can't read the scarey stuff even now, but find myself seeking my own truths about this disease, just as I had to find my own relationship so many years ago with God. Thanks for stirring up the "thinking pot"! Blessings and good thoughts to you, mary anne

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

What a great thinker you are! Sunshine and rain. Good visual. I wish you SUNSHINE AND JOY AND ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. Yes, that energy is very therapeutic and very healing. I picture a radiant white Light coming from above through the top of my head and washing through my body. Divine, Universal healing touches every cell in my body. I do this daily. And of course I feel bathed in it, calm, serene, joyful as a result of this practice. When the rain comes I know it is necessary to cleanse myself of the toxic thoughts. I experience them, vent them and release them as quickly as I can. I substitue thoughts full of love, compassion, kindness, generosity, authentic verbalized gratitude for my many blessings and awe.

I try as best I can to stay clear of what ifs and I'm just afraid thats. But they do occur. They need to be wrestled with and then booted out. They are hazardous to my health, I know.

I love your free, open mindedness. You are indeed brave. It takes a lot of courage to take this journey. But, I have discovered, that it also takes a valiant effort to think w/yr innate spirituality. It is life-altering. Transforming! I'd never have taken this road had the ca not occured. Which is quite amazing. We are always where we need to be. I have taken the Lessons and kept them close. I too don't read the scary stuff. I can come up w/my own scary scenarios. I am not a statistic. IF ONE PERSON HAS SURVIVED YOUR KIND OF CANCER -- THEN YOU CAN SURVIVE! We each have the potential to be a miracle, calling our desired destiny to us, healing ourselves with faithful determination every day, throughout the day, as we rise up and as we lay down. I thank God every day for sustaining me and enabling me to survive and enjoy the gift of each day.

Blessings and good thoughts to you and all... ANDI (BB)

[Esther]

Andrea I appreciate your right to believe whatever you wish, but to post your thoughts as if they are the complete truth and answer doesn't sit right with me.

I think you are way off in the conclusions you reach. Yes we can control our thoughts, and positive thoughts make our overall QOL much, much better.

But the concept that some inner pain or hurt that we need to uncover, is the core or our illness just flies too far off the radar for me.

I'd feel more comfortable if you were more open with the idea that these are YOUR thoughts and opinions, and are sharing them for discussion, rather than the blanket way you are putting them out there.

This sounds like just another version of blame the victim. I do not believe that I caused my cancer by anything I did or did not do, or by any repressed anger or hurt feelings. I'm also the Queen of positive thinking and positive living, even though stage 4, I snow ski 30 days a year, water-ski, rock climb, motorcycle ride, play golf and travel extensively.

While all this makes my life fuller and happier it does not cure my cancer.....

[lightsteve]

I wonder, is the 'you are what you think' a feature of humans or all life forms? Is llness and death in dogs, cats, chickens, mice, etc. due to psychological states?

[Caroline UK]

Andrea, I too respect your right to hold your own views, but that is all they are, not facts. It does seem that our thoughts and feelings have a physiological effect on the immune system, and even without any of the scientific studies that would make sense. That's really important, I agree, but I think it's still only a small part of the whole picture. To suggest that you can heal yourself by the power of positive thinking, is to also suggest that you are to blame if you don't heal, and that I feel is quite wrong and unhelpful.

Since having bc I seek out things and people who make me laugh. I go and see funny films, and I'm slowly easing away from people who I now realise bring me down and sap me of my energy and love for life. I look on the bright side more, and consciously count my blessings ( I now see how many I have, too). I take care of myself more, walk up the stairs instead of taking the lift, take regular vitamins and supplements, eat better, make an effort to see friends and tell people I love them. I appreciate my ever-increasing, post-chemo energy, and notice the small stuff more.
I'm sure we'd all agree with you that we need to 'think positive', and if nothing else, it makes for a happier way of living and being. Anything else, like the effect it may or may not have on our immune system, is an added bonus.

I don't want to put a complete downer on what you've said, but I would just urge you to take extra care over how you say things, perhaps. We actually just don't know what would or wouldn't happen if we did nothing at all to look after our minds, bodies and souls.
I can see that you want to encourage people to take responsibility for their own happiness, and I like that in you and your previous postings. I'm glad to be reminded. BUT, we can't take 100% responsibility for whether we beat cancer or not. I'm wondering if maybe you didn't quite mean it like that, but that's how I understood it from what you said.

[Adriana Mangus]

I believe that's the reason am still around am extremely positive, no matter what, or where,who. I simply put my mind to work and puff!!!..

Sending positive vibes to you all..


With much love..

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I am not a doctor or medical professional. I am a bit of a professional patient, as the result of the last 12 yrs. I have read extensively on spirituality and have found many lessons and messages that resonated with my heart. And I believe these things to my core. I share them for whatever they are worth to you, praying they ill inspire you to think long and hard and draw your own conclusions. I mention THE DIVIDED MIND by Dr. John Sarno, who I actually saw in 1980 for a debilitating agonizing bad back that orthopod wanted to operate on, but I refused that knowing many who'd had the surgery and had either no good result or fleetingly good. Dr. Sarno is a physiatrist. He deals with the entire body, treating the entire patient, versus just the symptoms. Not getting at the cause. He is a professor at NYU, was head of the NYU Medical Center outpatient clinic and taught at Rusk Institute. His views are controversial. Mainstream docs don't see bodily malfunction as he does. After two yrs of constant pain at the age of 40, reaching for a way to live w/my diagnosed "degenerating disc disease" (which was visualized on MRI w/a protruding disc that was oozing AND the spasms of which could be felt by the doc's hands) -- this healer taught me about the power of our thoughts.

I had been alert to the mindbody connection in the '70s, watching PBS specials w/studies on the topic and was blown away by the power of the mind. A young adolescent had a very serious illness, I can't recall precisely what. But what struck me was they had given her some new med that "cured" her, or stopped the symptoms. But she was young and could not stay on this drug longterm. They began infusing her w/the drug while exposing her to the very pungent odor of roses (or some such flower). Slowly they weaned her off the drug. Her body began to respond whenever exposed to that odor that had trained her brain to respond (much like a conditioned response). She "took" the odor regularly, and remained well. That's incredible I thought.

Another woman, dx as a split personality, would change character before the doc. One was a diabetic. When she believed she was the other personality, her glucose was normal. When she believed she was the diabetic personality, her glucose soared. Isn't that interesting I thought.

So Dr. Sarno, who's book is poignant and worth slowly reading and digesting, explained the power of our thoughts w/lectures and demonstrations -- as I began to see that I was stuck in a cycle of fear/pain/fear. The more pain I felt, the more fearful I became of having a recurrence of total dibilitation, the tenser my muscles became, squeezing and pinching nerves creating more pain. My God I have a degenerating disease of the SPINE! That means I will only get worse than I already am! More fear. Which created more pain. Around and around in a circle. Dr. Sarno explained that each time I felt the "gasping" pain out of nowhere I should stop what I was doing and go back and search my mind for the exact thought I was thinking at the time the pain struck. He predicted that I would prove to myself that EVERY time I would see a connection to a stressful thought (from what will I make for dinner to how will I deal w/my youngsters temper tantrums). As I proved this to myself over the next wks, I began to see that my thoughts were creating the gasping, debilitating pain, along w/my body's help in tensing, etc. Within a month I was pain free. My back was healed. No meds. No rehab.

I felt no guilt about having caused my own pain. It was not consciously intentional. It is the way our minds impact our bodies. I took the lesson and began to apply the power of our thoughts in positive ways. I had no desire t punish myself. I happen to like myself very much. My Spirit wants what is best for me. But I never even knew it existed before bc. My ca led me on a spiritual journey that enhanced my QOL immeasurably. I found serenity, enriched joy, greater compassion, more kindness, awe and gratitude than I ever imagined possible. And that is what I wish for all of you. So I try to share my experience. I do not wish to change your mind, but make you think a bit, as Dr. Sarno made me think. Test it out. See if it works for you.

Surely I do not blame the victim. But, in hundreds of ways, we are all victims, beyond bc. We have all suffered traumatic events in Life. Not to would be remarkable. Pain makes us grow, makes us more OPEN to receiving lessons and messages. Bc has opened my heart to become a vessel for Universal Love. I meditate with my hands out and palms up, as I read that this makes us more able to "receive" energy from the Universe. As I think loving, kind, compassionate, generous, grateful thoughts full of my goals and dreams for myself and those whose lives have touched mine -- that energy will draw LIKE ENERGY from the Universe to me.

Never feel you have cursed your life. But rather see a way to bless your life. Don't respond with anger and outrage. See the gift of such KNOWINGS -- the PERSONAL EMPOWERMENT they offer. I wish you all bliss and tranquility, empowerment and healing and generosity of Spirit... ANDI

[Carolyns]

CONTROVERSIAL SUBJECT -- please hear me out...

Hi Andrea,

You said it was controversial and you are right. I work with a healer and we have similar, sometimes heated, discussions. On this journey I find it much easier to have this perspective when my counts and scans are good. I find that this perspective adds to my guilt and sadness when my situation takes a turn in the wrong direction.

Love, Hope, and Peace,

Carolyns

[kimber]

Andrea:

I am appalled that you would insinuate that any of us gave ourselves this disease. Have you ever heard of GENETICS among other things. Give me a break.

This board is for HELPING one another. Not blame! I am sending YOU prayers.
-kim

[Erin]

I REALLY appreciate what you are saying, and I am really not questioning your right to choose your own beliefs and your own path, but I do think your comments are a bit inflamatory and disrespectful to those brave (and positive) people who have battled bc and lost.

Regarding your primary premise, I have to agree with Maryjo and the others who have so clearly articulated a more reasoned point of view. And, I have a simple question for you.....if you take your thought process to its logical conclusion, why are you still on Herceptin? If you follow your own counsel wouldn't you be able to do without it? It seems you might want to lecture others about swimming in the deep end of the pool, while you hold on to the ledge....

[Audrey]

Interesting post, Andrea. I do agree with you to a point, but I just wanted to share that when I was diagnosed in 2001 my prognosis was "poor" and I had the worst attitude. I walked around under a dark cloud for months, and my thoughts consisted of "I'M DOOMED"- I did show up faithfully for chemo/radiation and a year of Herceptin and slowly, slowly I realized that I wasn't dying after all...No one is more surprised than I am that I am still here six years later. Now I am filled with joy and wonder and look for the positive in everything, but this attitude definitely came about AFTER I had treatment that worked for me. I give credit to God, my doctors and medical science (especially Herceptin), but my attitude was certainly not what healed me at the time. I seem to have been healed in spite of my poor attitude, while other positive people in support groups, etc. died. I do think a positive attitude can enrich your life, but don't think necessarily makes a difference in the outcome of your illness.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

MY CANCER IS NOT MY FAULT. Absolutely, I agree. I do not in any way blame myself or feel any guilt or shame. I have always done the best I could at the time. But we are all here to learn lessons, and to love one another and ourselves! Yes it is fabulous that after having bc I am kinder to myself. I see the value of laughter and loving. Very therapeutic and healing. And joyful. It has taught me to walk away from people who bring me down (toxic relationships), people who are not giving of themselves, lack generosity of Spirit and a loving nature. They are takers. I surround myself w/loving people who appreciate me for the True Me. They see my happy smiling face full of tranquility and marvel. I appreciate them for the wise and wonderful Spirits they are and I keep them close, if not literally by phone and email.

I was always optimistic, which is handy when facing an adversity like bc, but I never saw how truly blessed I am. I count all the tiny things, I see the sublime in the ordinary, literally! Now. I have learned much since being dx. I have read much, as all of us have, but I don't pour over the factors and percentages, I focus instead, on spirituality. For me, this is fulfilling and gratifying. It enhances my life immeasurably. It makes me feel happier, more alive and more in harmony than ever before. More than I imagined possible.

I pray for more energy. I watch my diet, eating the good, and rejecting the tempting but bad. I see an oncol/hematol/nutitional expert who has given me multiple supplements (to boost my imm sys, strengthen my heart, fight free radicals, anti-oxi, energize, etc.) Mainstream docs think it's a waste of time. I respect their opinion, but respectfully add supplements anyway, w/my 1 onc blessings. I do my best to take care of my temple (body, mind) and of course my Soul.

Surely I know too many who had positive attitudes but lost their battle. I grieve for their loss to this world, to me. I loved them dearly and tried my best to support them. We all have weak moments and some times we find we stray off the positive trail. I know I have. And how difficult it was to get my footing back. I have failed numerous times. None of us is perfect. Perfect is boring as I see it. I am human. I do the best I can at the time. No one could ask more of themselves. When I was in a valley, lost and groping I did not feel angry or disappointed at myself. I simply tried my best to pick myself up. It would take a comment from my daughter, Pami, who is surely an old Soul, to say to me -- You've lost touch with your spiritual Self. Simple as that. I'd rally. I'd go back to meditating and connecting deep inside myself with my Spirit. And miraculously, all of a sudden, the ME I love being was back!

So, I wish for all of you never to blame yourselves, but to keep searching for lessons and messages and healing in every capacity -- body, mind and Soul. I send you all loving energy at all times because in the end that is what Life is all about -- going within and being lifted up, reaching out and loving one another. Don't beat yourself up -- EVER. Be as kind to yourself as you would your own child or your best friend. That's what you deserve. And keep on doing your best. No one can ask more of you. I wish you wellness in your brave fight, strength to carry on and belief in yourself and your own EMPOWERMENT. That is your birthright. ANDI (BB)

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

When I broke my ankle, just after Taxotere I did not feel I had caused the accident. The pot hole created the problem, the way I looked at it. When I was dx w/bc some suggested I go the spiritual route. NO. I would do the mastec/reconst tram flap/and all the chemo AND do the spiritual thing. When I recurred, again absolutely I went w/the cutting edge opin of all 4 oncs -- w/the most aggressive weapon they had in their arsenal, to match my aggressive Her2 gene, found in between episodes. I thank God for Herceptin every day.

I also thank God for my bld pressure meds. Like I would imagine a diabetic is grateful for insulin. My husband's grandmother died of diabetes, before insulin came along. We who benefit from Herceptin (or Tykerb) live in humble gratitude.

Those who have failed in their battle were no less strong, brave and determined. All that we see is not all there is. Reasons beyond my imagination must have been in play. Perhaps they were needed in the Spiritual Realm for a task only they could manage. We are each unique. Why would you think to besmirch their memory w/such ugly thoughts?

I am still a warrior, holding on to the edge as best I can. I do not have any desire to LECTURE you. Sorry you feel that is so. Just trying to offer the best advice I have accumulated over the last 12 yrs to those struggling. Offering my hand -- to grab yours and help you over the edge w/me. That is my motivation. Nothing sinister. It is a loving gesture. Please don't be offended or angry w/my offering. If you are so filled w/harsh criticism that you don't want a spot on the lifeboat -- that is your choice. You do not have to think like me. What I post is a suggestion for your consideration. You are an adult, fully capable of making your own choices. Just some ideas you may not have considered that might be worthy of your attention.

I have nothing but respect and loving admiration for ev women on this board and ev woman I have known that has been thrust on this journey. None of us volunteered for this. But here we are, trying our best to do all we can do to help ourselves. It is what it is is where I went immediately (mentally) when dx. There was no escaping that. But I knew I could choose how I would respond. So I chose to be proactive, informed and take the spiritual path, having gleaned many lessons on the mindbody connection and now using it for my survival. And of course wanting to share these lessons w/all who are OPEN. To blossom you must open. If you are not ready, or choose not to think of the power you have been blessed with -- perhaps you will find other lessons, and hopefully, share them w/all of us. I promise I won't attack you for your opinions. I won't take them personally. I won't feel they fly in the face of those who've fought hard and lost.

Isn't it natural for all of us to wonder WHO ARE LIFE'S VICTORS? Who are the Olympic gold medalists? How did they get there? Was it luck? Or is there a common thread. I have noted this since I was a child, struggling daily against a raging father who was, as I see now in retrospect, a lost Soul. I felt mortally wounded and became mature quickly, fighting for my life against verbal assaults. When someone on TV asked the winners WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WON? I turned and listened intently. Same if they asked the "favorites" why they thought they lost. I turned and became riveted. I saw the common thread. What they all had in common was this -- they each KNEW they would win, or FEARED they would lose. They each SAW themselves winning over and over in the last yr, or vice versa. This lesson impacted me profoundly. Going within myself was how I remained optimistic, open, friendly, loving, compassionate and kind. It all had to happen to make me evolve into who I am today. And I am grateful for it all. No anger. No resentment or blame. No inability to forgive. I am free -- to BE. Sending you loving energy to nourish your Soul... ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Try living with more generosity of Spirit. I INSINUATE nothing. I am very straight forward. About myself, my feelings, my thoughts, precisely. Dear God, you, nor any or us, gave ourselves this disease. Do not twist my words. Perhaps you should read some of my posts. Or perhaps you're too busy being offended, defensive, angry and appalled to read any of my posts. Perhaps you could learn something -- if you are OPEN, in mind and heart. Let go of the rage, it's really not good for you. Don't mean to be offensive. Progressive maybe in my thinking, but surely many experts on holistic med agree w/the premise. Feel free to negate it. Absolutely do not feel "responsible" for yr bc. I do not say I am responsible for it, BUT... Read about Dr. Sarno and my bad back. That might help give you perspective. No one is out to get you. I am simply offering you what I have found. I want to share what I see as incredibly EMPOWERING. I want you to feel personally empowered. It is grand. Sending you loving, healing energy regardless of your point of view... I do not judge any one. It is not my place to judge. ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

IF YOU FIGURE THAT ONE OUT, let us all know. I do know that when I stopped looking at 1 of my puppies that we rescued as a lost cause, scared to death I would lose him and started to think differently -- he became healed. He had mange, no hair on his face, neck and chest. Only red raw skin, looking a burn victim, obviously in dire pain, wouldn't eat or drink, crept into corners, ready to die. I would look at him with so much FEAR. Then I opened the bk the rescue lady gave me. It happened to open to a chapter called The Spiritual Realm. The vet was from Cornell, mainstream for 10, and had become a holistic vet.

I read voraciously. Then I picked my Chase up and put him in my lap, this pathetic little puppy. I told him, and thought, I see (NOT YOUR RAW HORRID FACE, but) your beautiful Soul and I meant it with all my heart. I told him not to be afraid. (I'd known that, but forgot, I knew it w/regard to ME, but forgot when faced w/his sickness). I told him I was right there with him. That I'd make him well. I stroked him and kissed him for a half hr. When I put him down he walked perkily away. No one had paid so much attention to him in the 4 mnths of his life. When I returned to the vet he was amazed. Why I asked. Because when a dog is that sick they usually don't make it. He tested for the mites that were ravaging his immune system and body and he was clear. I smiled at my husband, a non-believer. Chase is now 4 yrs old and we have his brother Scamp too. They bring much joy and love to our home and our lives. I thank God ev day for the blessing of these boys. And for still being alive! It's all so wonderfully miraculous.

And I am grateful you Audrey are still here. Perhaps God and/or your Spirit had your back and got you through. Regardless, I am glad you made it through and with great attitude to boot! Hurray for you. Live each day in joy and peace. Be well and stay well. ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Not because you may agree w/me but because that's simply who you are, from all your postings. I love that about you. You are OPEN and have the courage to mentally meander a bit. You are so full of positivity and joy and that is what you draw to you. So glad you are a Survivor. You are an Olympic gold medalist in my book. A winner. May it continue for many decades to come. I sense it will... Sending you loving, healing energy, ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

It distresses me that you who are outraged feel that way. Can't we just agree to disagree. Not take it personally? Not feel the need to fight. Every word I post is sent with loving energy, in the hopes of being inspiring, yes thought-provoking but never to stir up anger. That is so shocking to me. Why do you think those of you who felt so offended by the idea that we are so empowered?

I do not claim responsibility for causing my bc, but see the line that connects the dots, now in hindsight. It was amazing, yet I felt no guilt. I knew I would never do anything to hurt anyone, especially myself. I am a pacifist through and through. Maybe if you were threatening someone I loved dearly I might come at you, but otherwise... Just not an angry person. Esp since bc.

Much more willing to listen and learn, or reject, views. Politics -- I stay clear. There I become passionate. But otherwise, we each have our views. Most people I email, off this board, tell me they carry my messages with them in their pocketbooks or keep them in a pile on their night stand for easy access. Some times during the day they return to my words for strength in getting through their battle. This thrills me, obviously, as my intent is always to do just that. They treasure my words. I am saddended by those who reacted so vehemently. I still send you loving energy, and pray you will calm yourself and find your connection to your spiritual essence, at your core. We are here to support one another. I have NEVER gotten such opposition. Guess you're very strong minded, though many I communicate w/are precisely that yet "get" it. So sorry if you don't. Just promise you won't go feeling guilty. And to all who've fought and lost the struggle, I do not know why they were taken but I love and miss them. I can't see why from my perspective, but they fought hard and somehow lost anyway. Would love to figure it out, but maybe it's not something those of us on the Physical Plane are able to see, sadly. It appears that it's just not fair, makes no sense, but I have faith that their is a Divine Intelligence with a Plan and purpose, beyond our ability to grasp.

Meantime, keep doing what you know, stay strong, brave and determined and feel as much joy and serenity as you possibly can. Each day is a gift. Those on this board know this well. Not a single day goes by that I don't say thank you with all my heart. Out loud. PEACEFUL THOUGHTS TO YOU ALL... ANDI

[Edie L]

This whole line of thought is certainly not a new one among people who have cancer (or amidst the "wisdom" of people who have become "experts" because they know a few people who have cancer.) It makes me think of the many people who observe that I am still alive after 3 1/2 years with mets to the liver because I have such a positive attitude: I've gotten to the point where I just chuckle and say, "Boy, that means that heaven is filled with people with negative attitudes! It doesn't sound like a very nice place to be...."
Edie (MI)

[chrisy]

Great discussion - lots of spirit for sure! I agree with everyone!

Andrea, I admire your energy and committment to this and read your posts with great hunger! I mostly agree with your opinions and often wonder HOW you can keep control over your thoughts - I have a tough time here, especially when things go south. But there is little real debate over whether there is a mind-body connection. More and more research comes out every year on the power of the mind-body-spirit connections. We still just don't know enough about it and maybe we never will.

I don't buy the "I caused my own cancer" riff - and I don't think Andrea is suggesting this - but I do believe that my thoughts and feelings affect my physiological processes, including immune response. So my mind has some power to tip the scales for or against my health. Tipping the scales adds or detracts some %, along with treatment, general health, and the pure biology of the disease.

Another interesting but slow read is "Healing Words" by Dr. Larry Dossey. This book looks beyond the mind-body connection to the power of prayer and other "non-local" influences - i.e. your thoughts can influence someone elses physiology! I've read this book twice and come away less with answers and more with a sense of wonder.

I believe our bodies have a lot of intelligence for healing, and we can try to harness or direct it with our thoughts. Or with our prayers, or the prayers of others. We are all, basically, just energy. We do what we can to take control, or the illusion of control but in the end it's really in the hands of a higher power.

Great topic - and nice job, ladies and gents, in having this discussion in the spirit of love and support! That's why this is the ONLY board I have "exposed" myself to by posting instead of just lurking!

Chris

[Grace]

Well Andrea, if what you say is true, I should be dead of myriad diseases ages ago. Yet I lived a very healthy life until 65, never went near doctors, ranted and railed at every political turn of this country, never hesitated to bad mouth doctors, lawyers, indian chiefs, drug companies, oil companies, and any other entities or people that annoyed me. I haven't a positive thought in my head, never had, and never will. That all being said, I enjoy life and my own cynicism and I hope to continue for a long while to come. So I guess I'm with Maryjo, Erin, and Kimber on this one.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Yes, Thanks for that. A lot of Spirit. Not mean-spirited. Not nasty. Just passionate. I love that take. I'm going to own it. Yes tip the scale in yr favor. Right on. Who knows what %. But ev inch helps. One step at a time. Will check out HEALING WORDS by Larry Dossey. EVERY THOUGHT IS LIKE A PRAYER. EVERY PRAYER IS A POTENTIAL MIRACLE. So our thoughts and prayers are potent! How grand is that?! We must do what we have the power to do.

Thanks, Chrisy for not just lurking. Love your input! Love you.

As for controlling or re-programming yr thoughts -- that's quite the challenge, believe me I know. In my early 20s, a 100 yrs ago, I lived haunted and taunted my thoughts recalling my trauma of a childhood. I couldn't get free. It was only after bc that I began reading spiritual bks and found that we need not remain in the role of victim. I grew from thinking I can't change what was and must live with it to -- It taught me much, I will take the lessons and use them well. I began to re-write my thoughts and put plenty of love into them.
I mean this pure, unconditional Universal Love that seemed to be drawn to me
as I prepared for my mastec. I was in my pool in my backyard in Dix Hills, LI, bobbing tippy toe, gently treading water, almost in the deep end, but still able to touch bottom. I lifted my face to the sun and felt this Inner Voice say with great authority -- I'VE SEEN THIS MOVIE AND IN THE END, THE HEROINE (ME) LIVES. It hit me w/such a profound faith and certainty it has never left me. I felt the sun as the Light from a Higher Power blessing me and already healing me.

Now as I meditate I recapture that moment of CONNECTING which empowers me to chose the words I will think upon all day, knowing what we think all day becomes our reality. This keeps me buoyant and believing in my power to impact my destiny.

No, I did not cause my bc. Certainly not directly. But circuitously, perhaps, full of my childhood anger, resentment and blame for The Poor Child That Was Me. I wanted to stand up for her, demand apologies and make her heal. I was just going about it all wrong. I came to heal that Child and her emotional wounds with a loving Spirit, compassion for my poor Father and then the capacity to forgive (vs dwell in negative blame and such). THAT WAS INCREDIBLY HEALING. It put me on the path to surviving. Chemo helped. Surely Herceptin continues to help. Foraging in my mental attic and working at being grounded makes me feel joyful and tranquil, which in turns makes me well -- I BELIEVE. I wish the same for all the brave, daring, well-informed warriors on this board. Every single one! Always... ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Guess cynicism and venting (which is very therapeutic) works for you. Along w/stubborness, which I am as well, and has worked well for me in refusing to give in or give up. Glad you find joy all the same. That is what you deserve, along w/wellness. Sending you healing energy which I hope you will accept... Smiling anyway. You made me laugh, you tough cookie you. That's what it takes, you know! ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Can't find your post but got your message. Sounds like the is the cup half full or half empty perspective. Heaven, or the Spiritual Realm is a lovely place. Negative attitudes don't necessarily kill you. If hatred and vengeance didn't kill Hitler long before he did it himself, and Saddam Hussein lived and thrived for so long -- that's a mystery indeed. Again, all we see is not all there is. Are my dogs Sassafras and Jezebel in Heaven. I'm thinking they must be. I'm looking forward to seeing them again.

Glad you're doing well and sending you loving, happy, healthy energy... ANDI

[vickie h]

Dearest Andi,
There are many who will be offended by your post, but I, for one, am standing in a field of sunshine clapping my hands together in praise of your bravery. After reading "The Buddha in your mirror" as well as numerous publications and writings, I can humbly and happily applaud you for telling the truth. It is a hard pill to swallow, though much as chemo, diet, exercise, wholistic treatment (meaning the whole of us, Including our thoughts and the way we view the world, our bodies, others, our spirituality, etc.) and it has everything to do with our health. It has been debated for years that our thoughts (angry, hurtful, childhood trauma, stress, etc) can cause our immune systems to begin breaking down and opening the door for disease.
I was one of those people. Angry at the state of my life, raped as a child, raised by a single mom who was barely able to provide for us 4 children, fell into the drugs of the sixties. And yet, I loved other people and animals and the world around me with a passion and yet, all those around me had no idea of the unresolved pain I was living with. Each and every one of them thought I was extremely positive about life, happy and a fighter. The truth is I was drowning....and then I was diagnosed.
I don't suggest that is every one's story or cause of their illness, but I do believe that our thoughts are tantamount to our health......physical, emotional, and spiritual.
I am the same person I was all those years ago, but I have come to face to face with fear, and it has changed my life. In the very blackness of the night, a light so bright and warm covers me with blankets of love.
Thank you, Andi. I send you my love and prayers, Vickie

[Jean]

I believe what Andi is trying to share wtih us is that the "the mind helps
heal the body"...no one can deny that when your thoughts are happy
you deal best with physical discomforts....why does it seem so?

How does a Mother lift a baby grand piano that fell on top of her child?
How does the runner who is exhausted and at his last breath manage to
finish the race and win? The list is endless..our minds are powerful.

I do not for a second think that Andi is saying that we caused our cancer.
But rather that when we are not able to lift our spirit and soul we can
cause our immune system to falter. I think we can all relate to a situation
when we were down or depressed - did you find that your body was more
prone to colds, feeling tired and a host of other physcial issues.

I know she meant to share a wholesome part of herself with us and
certainly did not suggest that we caused our cancer. We have the power
and the ability to make chocies...It is easier for us to work in harmony
with the mind and body.

Hugs to All,
Jean

[chrisy]

Your "pool story" really resonated with me. Shortly before my (completely unexpected!) mets diagnosis, I had a dream which I later realized was a message.
In my dream, I was shot with an arrow - right where my liver is - and as I showed it to my parents (no longer living except in dream life!) and others, everyone I just looked at it and said/knew "oh, I can live with this"! I believe this dream was both a warning and a reassurance and it has been a comfort to me over these past few years. There was also some stuff about me hooking up with this gorgeous lawyer dude, but I haven't been able to figure out the message there - so I just remember that part for fun!

Andi, you have a lot of energy for a 120 year old!

[Believe51]

Andrea all I can say is Amen to that! I have a friend who has has Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma since 1982, and at the time a major Cancer Clinic told him to go home to his newly wed wife of a year(who just found out she was pregnant) and get ready to die, only not that nice. He got a second opinion from the doctor we will be seeing June 19. That doctor said, no Eddie, I will not let you die. Of course, we know that it is not all in the doctor's hands. And so did my little buddy, Eddie!! Eddie is my husband's longtime friend and a major positive influence about fighting someone tells you is useless. We cannot let them give us death sentences!! We ARE the masters of our own future, and the mind is the best medicine known to man!! Eddie has told my husband many times that: YOU MUST MAKE YOUR MIND KNOW IT WILL BE HELPING YOU CONQUER THIS!! YOUR MIND MUST BELIEVE YOUR BODY WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO DIE OR GIVE UP!! I have taken many Psychology classes and the mind amazes me always! Right now hubby is reading many books and the one that is mostly in his hands regarding this topic is: "Mind Magic" and he says it is a great read, try to check it out. Also, if you asked an Oncologist if he would give chemo to his Breast Cancer Mother, he would say NO!! He would also give her the treatment because it is all the ammo he has. But she does not, she has her mind and her undying desire to live!! Thanks for the thoughts of the day, The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste!!!!!>Waiting For A Miracle>..Believe51..(Marie G)

[Believe51]

I do not think Andrea wanted anyone of us to be appalled or offended, this topic was just a discussion. Everyone's health achievements come from many forms of tactics. Chemotherapy, excercise, eating right and avoiding sugar, supplements, maintaining a good doctor, asking the right questions, etc. etc. and MIND POWER. "In conjuction with everything". Andrea loves us all and means no harm I am sure. I think what she is saying here, is that the mind is another tool we can use to fight and that it is a very powerful tool. We all know that the will to live has to do with mind power. We all have the right to be offended, but some might be offended knowing that others believe it is all in GOD'S Hands!! Keep an open mind and I hope I did not hurt or offend any one of you girls, I love you all too!!>>Waiting For A Miracle...Believe51..(Marie G)

P.S: WE ARE ALL HERE TO HELP EACH OTHER AND OUR OPINIONS ARE NOT ALWAYS SEEN THE SAME BY OTHERS, OUR GOALS ARE ALL THE SAME!!!

[IRENE FROM TAMPA]

I was drawn to what you had to say and I understand what you are saying.

I also understand the thoughts of the other ladies. Although I have always been a very positive person and very open minded, I have issues like everyone else. I have been trying to work on these issues through the mind/body healing method.

I can't say that I would totally depend on that for my cure, but I also see where it could be of benefit to my immune system and soul.

I am one of the fortunate one's that has survived this cancer for the last 11 1/2 years and have lived with active cancer for the last several years. There were many other ladies on our board that were brave and galant fighters that were not as fortunate. Why I am still here, I don't know but I do know that I will continue my fight with all the strength of my being. I dont blame anyone for my cancer and I definately do not blame myself. I think of myself as a "chosen one" and that there must be a purpose/plan for me.

I am going to continue working on that positive thinking in hopes of getting to that peaceful place in my mind.

I have printed your post and will read it for inspiration.

Thanks Andi and have a great day.

[saleboat]

Hello Andi,

It is my firm belief that one's response to treatment is based on poorly understood genetic quirks. If it makes you feel good to think that your fabulous resonse to treatment is because of your own free will, well that's your take on the world. I think it is a little heartless to broadcast it to women who aren't so lucky, but I guess that makes me a cynic, right?

I know we'd all like to think that we have some control over cancer, and there are many ways that 'we' try to gain it...thinking warm fuzzy thoughts, taking supplements, praying to our God.

Me, I'm just hoping that I have the right genetic quirk that equals a good response to all the poison I've consumed in this fight.

And I'm wishing everyone peace, strength and courage in their battle.

Jen

[Adriana Mangus]

Dear Andi: I love your postings. Did someone get offended by it?

I can't imagine anyone being upset over "your" inspirational view on Life and possibly Death. As you mentioned we are unique, and as such we have our own way to deal with breast cancer issues.

I'm like you, I prefer to be known as a warrior, determined, fearless, commited to trustworthy causes, loving, courageous, etc.., you get the point.

People who have determination to live and have no resentment, nor feel victimized by this disease, have a positive attitude, surrender themselves to whatever comes their way, accept without anger and thrive to make the best of -even- the most horrible experiences in life, THOSE are the REAL SURVIVORS.

It has been documented, positive attitude would help you live longer.

I have this experience: My neighbor was dx with bc after my diagnosis, her cancer recurred shortly before mine did. She was so upset, I couldn't believeit, I did not like to be around her, I felt compassion for her, but everytime I would talk to her she would make statements such as: "I do not understand why me, when other people are mean spirited and am a good person. I see people traveling all over the world, with money and a good life and why me. Well, sadly she's no longer with us. She died just after two years after the recurrence. I cannot imagine how bitter she must have been lying in bed waiting to die.

I am thankful to God, the scientists, my doctor, nurses and everyone who's sharing this journey with me.

I'm not a victim, I AM A SURVIVOR, LIVING A GREAT LIFE. I'M HAVING THE BEST TIME EVER!!!!

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. That takes courage, I know. I too was always seen w/a smile on my face, happy serenity beaming from me. I loved Life and people and the world. But deep inside I too was lost and groping.

My readings say that unhealed, unresolved emotions are reflected in our genetically weakest area. Some get migraines, some get stomach issues, etc. Some have been eating the wrong foods for their body to perform at peak level, unbeknownst to them (or they'd surely unequivocally alter that pattern). Some eat whatever they want, much junk food plus smoke and don't get sick till they are in their 90s. Its all fascinating and confusing, for us and the professionals. But we do the best we can. I send you my love and prayers and thank you heartily for yours. I have written your beautiful sentence down -- "IN THE VERY BLACKNESS OF THE NIGHT A LISGHT SO BRIGHT AND WARM COVER ME WITH BLANKETS OF LOVE". What a remarkable and radiant Soul you are! It is an honor to know you. Stay in touch, please. Sending loving, healing energy your to help in your struggle to be and stay a Survivor.

BTW -- I admire ev woman fighting this brave fight that calls upon ev shred of strength and grace we can muster -- whether they win or lose. I applaud them, admire them, grieve for them and know they did their very best. Big hugs... ANDI

[RobinP]

The chances that a woman purposefully or unconsciously did something to trigger bc or promote it is remote, if any. Instead of blaming, we need to encourage each other to look at our situation differently, without guilt and shame.Let's uplift each other, make the best of worst circumstances, and see bc as an opportunity where we can help each other survive and feel better about ourselves.

Just wanted to add that I think the author of this thread was trying to help others, despite some contraversial views.
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[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I love your Spirit! You encapsulate what I am trying to transmit. You have the recipe down. I never asked why me. I didn't even cry. (At least not the 1st go round, the met stunned me for a while thinking -- I'M DYING. It's incurable, inoperable and I will be on long term chemotherapy for the rest of my life, said my onc slowly and w/obvious sadness and pain. Those words rang in my head. I couldn't speak to anyone. I was processing the info. Went for 4 opin. 1 onc said incurable, ca is incurable, it is a chronic disease, but we can manage it, get you in to remission. Inoperable? You're better off without the surg. It'll weaken you to fight the side effects of the chemo. Longterm chemo -- there are new kinder gentler chemos you can take. And if they don't work, we've got doz more. You are healthy. I laughed. Aside frm the ca I was healthy. You have a great attitude, a great support team (husb, dghtrs, friends) -- you'll do fine! I embraced that attitude, after thinking I'd just heard the worst possible words from my 1st onc (who I still see and love). He has 3 dghtrs, he'd known me for 3 yrs, was shaken. I forgive him. He is a good man and a great onc.

But his 1st words sounded like something you hear in soap opera. They were the worst words you could imagine hearing. A death sentence. I'd been on chemo (Adria CMF) 8 mnths of that, and the lingering effects for so long after finishing that -- that's a way to spend the rest of your life. But then came Herceptin. I can do this. Now ev 3 wks (triple dose). It's a walk in the park. Many tests to keep on top of all body parts, annoying, but ev day I enjoy the heck out of it and spend much time thinking of being loving and grateful.

I sit around full of anger and bitterness is self-defeating. And sure I have my moments of fear and worry and feeling overwhelmed, but I scrabble back up the mountain and get my footing again, because I know that's what I must do to keep on keeping on.

I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT OF CHEMO AS "POISON". It is the best the med prof has to offer us today. One day it will be viewed as primitive, to be sure. But for now -- it is our lifeline. It pulls me through the rough waters. I hold my head high and endure the drug that is out to annihilate ev malig cell in my body. I try to help through "guided imagery" which some teach. Thoughts are energy. You are energy. Even the visions we have are energy. They are emitted by us and felt by others AND they are sensed by the Universe which responds by sending us LIKE ENERGY. It's some Cosmic Law, as sure as gravity. We couldn't see bacteria before the microscope but many believed they existed. And, besides, "thinking" loving, joyful, compassionate, grateful thoughts(for our suddenly visible multitude of blessings) -- if nothing else -- HOW WE WILL "FEEL" ALL DAY.

Please ladies, do not dwell on feeling embittered, victimized, forced to succumb to poisoning ourselves -- you will feel miserable as a result, at the very least. Don't do that to yourself, please! You deserve better than that. And maybe it counters in to a degree in healing (as they have found laughter and social contact do). Ever listen to a 100 yr old person explain why they think they've lived so long. They've mourned many at their age, but found their way back to happiness. They are full of laughter and humor.

When I had my (always dreaded) mastec, I began to oddly think -- when I put on a double breasted jacket, is it still double breasted? Can I still do the breast stroke in the pool? It was weird, but it made me laugh, in the face of my worst nightmare ever, losing a breast AND having ca AND having to have 8 mnths of chemo. I was shocked to find when I went for my 1st mammog that I was unilateral. I got a bargain rate. Oh, great. I thought of my reconst tram flap breast as a breast. True, made out of stomach parts, but they were my stomach parts. I came home and told Paul. I said does that mean if I get ca in my left breast, I'll have stomach ca? We both laughed. Keep smiling. Being in the 1% club doesn't make me better than anyone else. I want every one of you to join me! I'm doing my best to suggest ways to get there. UCLA (through Pegram and Slamon) did a 1 yr study of longterm Survivors -- to try and figure out what makes them diff. I had hrs long interviews 3 X over the yr. I filled out many pgs of questionnaires asking PSYCHOLOGICAL questions. Rating on a scale of 1 to 5 if most days you feel things like: sadness, fear, anger, etc. Then there were essays. And 3X a day swabs all 3 X throughout the yr -- to check your seratonin levels. Did you drink alcohol today? Do you smoke? What pills did you take and what dosages and why do you take them. My 2 doz supplements were listed, along w/my prescrip drgs. Did you exercise today? Is this typical, unusual, etc. Have you had caffeine today? In depth study. Looking for answers predominantly outside the lab, beyond genes. I was honored to take the time to participate. I want the 1% to be the 90 something club! I want YOU to join. Sending much love your way... ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

But understanding, and becoming aware of, the nature of the psychosomatic process, is more than edifying. It is empowering. We can't help what occured for whatever reason. But we can help with knowledge and awareness of the power of our thoughts -- to our great benefit! That is the point.

I lived most of my life on Long Island where the predominance of bc is the worst in the entire country. They wonder -- is the something in the water, in the pesticides (my house was built on a one time potato field) as were many others. Dix Hills was largely farmland. North Shore Hosp and many other agencies are investigating these and other possibilities for well over a decade, w/still now specifid conclusions. There is nothing I could do but filter my water, watch what I ate (low fats and carbs and red meat) and pray from time to time. Of course, I assumed bc, though dreaded beyond words and congnizant of the awful statistics, no matter where you lived, would happen -- to someone else. You never truly imagine it, or any great tragedy could happen to you. YOUR house wouldn't burn down. You would never personally experience kidnapping or the like.

But as I was living with a smile on my face, a genuine expression of my Spirit, I felt clinically depressed, struggling to make sense of my traumatic childhood and somehow fix it. I was wounded but didn't get that. I was angry, blaming, resentful, unforgiving, mad as hell. But bc helped lead me to the answers to finding joy and peace.

Even as I discovered that my thoughts were creating my agonizing, immobilizing back pain -- I never felt guilty! I had no idea there could be such a connection. Even w/structural malformation and visible MRI disc impingement. I felt no shame or blame there. WHAT I FELT IMMEDIATELY WAS WOW -- WE HAVE BEEN GRANTED SO MUCH POWER! My head reeled with the possible applications of this Secret of the Universe.

Dr. Sarno told me that studies had been done on people w/the same narrowing of the spine (which is natural w/age) and w/bulging, intruding discs -- WHO HAD "NO" PAIN. Really? He cited these various studies w/specificity. Amazing. Okay my malfunction and bulging L4 and 5, etc. doesn't necessarily cause the pain. So where is it coming from?

The pain decreases when we allow ourselves to more fully feel our sadness or grief or anger, etc., Sarno explained. I tended to suppress my outrage, as I'd learned to do as a child of a father who could not tolerate seeing me cry or look sad. In fact, studies show that if you smile, you begin to release the same chemicals that come from naturally smiling. I had adopted a natural, perpetual smile as it made me feel better and made others respond so wonderfully. Smiling, and laughter, increase our sense of well-being. So I use my sense of humor at all times, in the oddest of places, it just pops up. I do not like movies w/violence (which are truly difficult to avoid these days), but seek movies that I can learn something from (Waitress) and that make me laugh (Little Miss Sunshine). We are all dysfunctional, in varying degrees. There is no NORMAL.

Watching my mother's long death, Alzheimer's, inability to speak, understand, read or write, play cards, have a conversation and then her paralysis as diff brain parts were dying off -- was indescribably painful for me. It began in the late '80s (her late 60s). Ihad round the clock nurses for her for as long as I could afford to. We had a hoya lift to transfer her from bed to wheelchair. I managed a mini hospital staff. I marketed for her. I paid her bills. I grieved for her. (I wrote her eulogy 5 yrs before she died, as I started to forget the person she was, first writing avid reader, up on everything, volunteer all her life. Then the words became sentences and they became paragraphs.) My mother would stare into space blankly. I was caring for the shell of my mother as best I could. I hired ambulettes to transport my mom to doc offices as the nurse and I could not manage this alone.

Paul and I searched for Geriatric Care facility. She was not a candidate for assisted living. We were on a waiting list, expecting the call any minute and knowing we had 24 hrs to move her in or we'd lose our spot. Ev time the phone rang my heart leapt. I had hr packed and ready. One the day she went into the home, I "decorated" her room as cheerily as I could w/items I'd bought and saved. I put up a bulletin board I had made at the frame stare and pics I collected of her as a child, a beautiful young woman, w/my father who was long gone, pics of me and my sister as children and present, and the grandkids, pics of her parents -- all to hopefully remind her and give her a sense of being surrounded by love. It hung on the wall facing my mom's bed. An added perk to this was that the nurses had a sudden knowing of the woman who was now a shell. She was such a beauty. Those pictures. Wow. I can see her. They would ask me who was who and then review this w/my mom in my absence. Sometimes she'd smile back.

But the toll that took on me (from the late 80s to 01) was beyond mammoth. I was dx in '95. I never told my own mother I had bc. She wouldn't understand and if she did, it would gravely upset her. There was nothing she could do, but I felt, how could such a profound event take place in my life and me never mention it to her. I'd discuss my dghtrs and husb and the events of the day, prattling on. Surely the psychological impact of that horrendous ordeal for her, and more for me to watch, as she seemed not to know, had to contrib to disarming my imm sys. Not my fault. Just life happening. No blame, no anger, no resentment.

But had I known of the potential physical toll of my emotional upheaval I would have been better armed, to vent more, to find a peaceful place midst the turmoil of it all. I had a thousand pounds on both my shoulders of responsibility. (My sister was having her own family problems and therefore I was The One, it all fell to me, as if I were an only child.) I wanted to call my brother! But I never had a brother!!

Waves of sadness swept through me. There is no hope for a person in my mother's position at that time. My prayers turned to pleading w/God to release her from this tragedy and let her go in peace to a better place. I prayed ev time I left my mom, unable to feed or bathe herself. I thought I was dealing w/it, but now in retrospect -- not so well. Packing up her apartment and disposing of all contents in one way or another was so painful. My dghtr Ali helped me w/the papers. I couldn't focus on what needed to be saved and what could be tossed.I was disposing of her belongings as if she had passed on, but she was still alive. I felt I was intruding, peeking into drawers and crannies.

Surely I am not a self-destructive person. Never thought such a thing. I have been a survivor since childhood. That is how I have always seen myself. I do not see you or any one who has ever faced this dasterdly disease as bringing it on themselves. That is absurd.

Let us all do as Adriana says. She is much like me in so many ways. Long time survivors who have no intention of doing otherwise. I don't believe we were just LUCKY. Nor does UCLA, or many places of prestigious med research done on our behalf. Let us all add our personal experiences and best guesses and share our readings with one another to better understand the bc conundrum and try to get a better handle on it.

Please, ladies, don't any one of you feel an iota of guilt, blame or shame. That is totally unfounded. We are all here unwillingly but here all the same. Let us put our heads together and offer our heartfelt thoughts. Let us network our collected info (beyond the med percentages). INSTEAD LET US STRIVE TO ALTER THOSE PERCENTAGES -- TO OUR ADVANTAGE!

[vickie h]

Who could possibly feel that Andi was blaming anyone for their cancer. The anger I read in many of these messages, as well as guilt and unforgiveness astouds me, Which brings me back to what Andi was trying to say. No One intentionally created their cancer.....but unresolved issues, trauma, unforgiveness of others, blame, etc, as well as environmental issues, diet, etc do have a part in our cancer, just as chemo has had a part in resolving some or all of it. Please reach out to one another and love each other. Forgive those around you if you ask for forgiveness for your own acts. Don't ask for forgiveness if you can't forgive ( a message from God) And Grace, your message is filled with hope and a positive attitude. Railing against injustice is about the most positive thing I can think of......LOve to you all, Vickie

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Bless your hearts. And your lives. Your words of understanding mean the world to me. That you get my intent loud and clear is wonderful. Your spirit jumps off the page and touches me profoundly. Thank you so much for your kindness and loving natues. I cherish them. Sending hugs and kisses... ANDI

[CLTann]

I read the original long message and all follow-up replies with a heavy heart. My life long philosophy is never to give advice on religion issues, since it is purely a personal choice. The theory that mind-set and physical illness could merge is a similar debatable topic and borderlines on religion. Therefore, I shall not give any comment on this issue.

I do sympathize with the author in regard to her difficult and long journey, from caring her mother to her own bc. To have strength to go through these difficulties took a great deal of perseverence and courage. Her use of determination provided the basic elements to heal the body and lift the spirit.

The most important issue here is the intent. I am sure the author meant no ill and she has repeatedly claimed her love for all of us. Her good will intent is enough for me and I sincerely wish all the best.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I appreciate your comments. I too do not discuss politics or religion as these are HOT TOPICS. I see Spirituality as beyond any one religion. We are all human beings worthy of dignity and respect. Actually I see us all as spiritual beings on a human journey. We are all bonded, regardless of religion, creed, ethnicity, etc. I see us all as one. And surely all bc patients are Soul Sisters, knowing beyond any one else's ability to grasp what this scary journey is all about and how it demands our constant vigilance. So the passionate reactions and the radiant glowing Spiritual responses were surprising. I have been counselling friends of friends who are sent to me for over a decade. Never had I recvd such negativity.

I appreciate your recognition of my ordeal w/my mother. I now see how enormously more stressed I was than I admitted to while persevering through her struggle which became mine of course. Then came the bc and from my reading, I see a correlation to compromising my own imm sys, unintentionally, and becoming ripe for bc. Not that I need a reason for getting bc. Because I have so very many wonderful reasons that came from the bc. That is what I choose to focus on. My Spiritual path was ignited, the lessons and messages and Secrets of Universe have illuminated my life. As one lovely lady on this board said earlier (which I knew for sure if it was Mary Anne) -- "In the very blackness of the night a light so bright and warm covers me with blankets of love". That, in the end, is what I wish for every "being" dx with ca. We can become BITTER or we can become BETTER. The choice is ours. The difference of one little letter makes all the difference in the world.

Wishing you all a safe journey through this unique fight. May you come out more than you were before, with expanded awareness and deeper meaning in all of Life. Much love always... ANDI

I app

[StephN]

The brave explorers who took heart and sailed in crowded wooden boats onto wild and vast seas have always held a special fascination for me. Why would someone leave the comforts of their known land and set sail outside the known world? I was recently reading the life of St. Brendan, the Irish chronicalist of 1500 years ago. He and a small group of Christian monks made a small craft and it is said they actually made it across the Atlantic to America and BACK! Not once, but twice. This is well before Christopher Columbus.

Somehow he was called to take this voyage. He seems to have had no choice, nor did he even WANT a choice. His voyages were taken as a way to know God. This "voyaging" is how I have come to see my fight with my cancer. Many dragons and sea monsters have been encountered to tame along the way, but seem able to do this so far. They are near, but do not threaten.

An unseen hand seems to guide and comfort me, keeping the periodic freakouts to a minimum. Accepting this disease as another life partner has been key in my type of battle.

Perhaps this is my way of using my energy as a healing force, even though I may be a bit selfish with it, getting less involved in the social pressures and problems of our times.

Learning from all here how you fight (and, yes, die) has been a way of keeping me afloat. There is so much valuable input that includes and goes beyond our individual attitudes. Keep it coming ... "with Love, from me to you."

As one not ready to give up my ship, I enjoy the wisdom shared, both ancient and modern.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

AMEN TO EVERY WORD YOU WROTE. You totally get it. Good for you. And I really mean good for you, for in the end that awareness and wisdom will serve you and your health well. God bless you for your open-mindedness and your open-heartedness. First seek to understand, then to be understood. First seek to forgive, than ask for forgiveness. That's what Spirituality is all about. (I think that's from St. Francis of Assis). Sending much loving energy to all, as always... ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

As always, your words are prose. Your depth of comprehension is quite riveting. You should write a book with your talent for expressing yourself. And BTW, you said what I feel with each new day, only far more poetically. Always love your posts, and your most special Spirit! With love ... ANDI

[Grace]

Thanks Vicki and Andi. I wrote my post, hoping to get a laugh, and lightened up what I thought was getting to be a sticky post. I'm always positive, mainly that everyone else is wrong and I'm right (my husband just said "amen" to that). Anyway, whatever we believe, we're all in this together, and fingers crossed, we'll all come out of it together.

So let's rail at the world that hasn't yet found a cure and not at each other.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

YOU'RE FAST BECOMING ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE. I love her humor. And am relieved that you're always positive -- that every one else is wrong. When I saw the movie Broadcast News, Holly Hunter was told, It must be terrible to always be right. She sniffed a bit and said, Yes. It is. And I totally related! Ashamed to say. But I do love it when my husb admits he was wrong (both times in 41 yrs). Still stubbornly sending loving energy to all... ANDI

[Sherryg683]

Sometimes I think back on what could have caused this cancer in me. I was in tip top shape when I got it, best cardio shape in my life. Then I think back to all the days that I got myself in total fits of rage and stress over stupid things that meant nothing. I would literally shake with rage sometimes. I don't know if this stress I put myself through contributed to my cancer, but sometimes I wonder. I now try to control the stress, I don't get angry and worked up near as much. I do have my days but I try to stop them. I have started to let my healthy husband handle all the "dirty" work in our family. I was always the first to jump on the phone and chew someone out for some injustice..now he takes care of the problems..i like it that way. But as far as positive attitude. I am and have always been a glass half empty person. Every time I go get a scan, I just figure this is the one where it's going to be more bad news. My Oncologist always tells me that I am his first stage IV breast cancer patient that has gone this long without having to get back on chemo and tells me how good I am doing. I always laugh and tell him because it's because of my "positive attitude"..lol. Although i do find that I gain so much strength and positivity from God and praying. I like to go skinny dipping in our pool very very late at night. I will just float there, look at the stars and talk to God. I thank him for everything and pray for others. This somehow grounds me and gives me peace and strength. When I look at all those lovely stars above me, I know there's something more out there, I feel free. So I guess we all do what we have to to find strength. I don't find it productive in trying to figure out why I got Cancer, it's done and over with now..I just have to live with it...sherry

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi Sherry! It is so good that you see how you could improve yr QOL by consciously choosing to stop old patterns. You are evolving, as we are each meant to do. Each day I strive to become more grounded, while being alert to the worries and stresses that give me the willys and in turn make me snippy at the very least. I can see now how our thoughts are linked to our phsyicality as well as our emotions = how we feel.

I have to leave at 6:45 AM this Thurs for my mammog. Now I was alw anxious before mammog (10 yrs before bc dx) and would sit in the waiting rm w/the other women and sense their energy, which in some ways worsened my own, and also had the effect of calming me, as I felt I was not alone on w/this angst and anxiety. We all call out to one another as ea was called in -- Good luck! We'd make fast friends. I have Vit H the following Thurs along w/onc visit (which I now do ev 3 mnths) used to see him ev single time, then once a mnth, now a graduate. Still I have a list of questions (much derived from this incredibly wonderful and well-informed board). The last Thurs this mnth I have what have become my ev 6 mnth CT scans (which is scary territory after moving from ev 8 wks to ev 3 mnths to ev 4 mnths for so many yrs). I am talking to myself a lot as of yesterday. My husb is going through shingles and his suffering his impacting me gravely. I can't wait for him to get better (it's been 2 wks of 24/7 pain for him). I wish this for him, naturally. And I, selfishly, wish it for myself, as I can't take it, watching him in such agony all day and all night. Looking grey, usually tanned from 3 days of golf a wk, hunched over, face drooping, mouth gnarled. So the energy in this house is percolating and I am busy trying to keep a lid on everything. It's a full time job, which it is alw is but now w/added stresses the mountain I have to climb lks a lot taller than usual. But acknowledging our feelings is the first step in recovery! Like alcoholics. I am a bc Survivor, and pray w/ev day that I will stay there. Tests taunt me as I explain to myself that this will just be another way to verify my wellness. I refuse to say this one is going to be it -- when the other shoe drops. I won't put that energy out there. The best I can do for myself is stay positive, I am sure everything will be fine, but I'm just a tad anxiety-ridden, admittedly. That's normal. It's a part of being human. And then I try to connect to what is the basic spiritual composition of the True Me.

Good idea for yr healthy husb to do the dirty work! I was lucky in this way as Paul, who felt helpless w/my bc found a outlet in taking care of the bills, the insur co., following up on promising new treatments he googled. This let me be free to focus on HEALING and attaining wellness.

Yesterday, in a rare situation, I followed up on the Bloomies bill. Paul alw gives it to me as all charges are mine, to make sure there aren't mistakes. I caught a double billing for my beloved old foundation. So I called the question it a wk ago. I had the bill in hand and went over and over, knowing I was right. I wrote the woman's name down, the date and time I spoke w/her. It'll prob take 2 or more billing cycles for the mistake to be rectified. Annoying, but thank you very much. Paul kept the bill aside as a reminder. Then yesterday we got a letter saying I must call to give more info. Paul said ignore it, but I couldn't. $52.50 is a lot of $, better in my pocket, where it belongs. Of course you start off speaking to a machine and then prompting and prompting, punching in your acct # and the last 4 digits of yr social. Then the voice says sorry didn't get that right. Please do again. This time I tk the VOICE route. Still a prob. So now I hold waiting for a real person. When she finally gets on I KNOW she is going to ask, as is common, for the exact same info I have alr provided. And she did. I was a bit snippy, perplexed by the dumb process. Why do they ask, to pull up my info and then re-ask. Any way she said the charge was right. I said wrong. She was patient and went over it again. I began to be patient, certain I was right, yet exasperated by my inability to communicate this. Then she asked how I purchased the item. This jogged a memory. I'd called to make sure they had the exact name of my color, which they often do not. She had 1. She'd put it behind the counter. What's yr name? When you come in, if I'm not here, tell them it's behind the cntr w/yr name on it. And that's precisely what happened. And then I was charged, seeing no receipt in the bag. This Carin (I alw ask for their name and use it) said that in order to hold it for a cust they auto charge it. So prob I was charged 5/2 and then charged again when I came in and used a diff salesp on 5/3. I calmed down. We started to chat and laugh. I love this founda (Alexanadra DeMarkoff and have used it for over 20 yrs and alw pray it won't be discontinued as so many things you come to love are). Carin related and we shared stories and had a lovely time. I have learned not to badger and berate as that gets us no where fast. I try to alw be a lady, polite, but firm. Anger is counter-productive and eats at our core, which is so very unhealthy.

I love yr skinny dipping story. We all need more skinny dipping and staring at the awesome sky lit up w/all those infinite # of stars and galaxies. We, the Earth, are so infinistessimal in the vast Universe. We are a tiny golf ball. A pimple. Making awesome spiritual connections blisses us out, offers us a sense of harmony and being one w/the Universe and all its' beautiful creations. We are ea unique beings. Such moments make us smile, and make our hearts smile. They are very theapeutic and healing. I wish everyone of my Soul Sisters more skinny dipping, dolphin sightings, Yosemite remembrances... Sending loving and healing energy always, ANDI in Boca

[HavahJ]

This sounds a lot like self-blame to me. HavahJ

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Havah, This Universal religion if you will called Spirituality makes us see our Oneness w/each other. It is not about blaming ourselves for unconsciously creating physical reactions to our psychological internal dialogue. It is not about the bad news, but rather THE GOOD NEWS. We are are so much more powerful than we ever thought. We have been blessed w/a birthright to enable us to continue to create ourselves and the world. Not a blame game. We are not victims, though we all have days we feel as such. We are proud, strong, brave, determined warriors on a path to gathering as much info and pathways to healing. Traditional medicine, spirituality, supplements, diet, exercise it all counters in to the mix. Some of us have nastier genetics to overcome. All of us are fighting for our lives, even those who reach a stable NED place. We all feel we must keep our footing, work at stay well the best we can, doing our very best on a consistent basis. That's quite a challenge. And we want to do it with as much grace as we can muster. With love in our hearts, as we are touched by so many loving Souls. With compassion, the genuine desire to understand, to share and communicate our experience for the betterment of us all. We must see our many blessings and be deeply grateful for all we have, not focusing on what we have lost. This is the foundation of a happy, harmonious and healthy Spirit. I wish you all that and more... ANDI

[fauxgypsy]

I have been doing a lot of reading on the mind-body connection. I am often skeptical. My degrees are in the field of biology so I look at the research with a cynical eye. But this applies as well to allopathic medicine. When I look at research conducted these days my first thought is "who benefits". I appear to be benefitting from the therapy I am recieving. Although, I don't know that the prayer and the "directed thinking" that I have concentrated on might not have influenced my outcome so far.

I am disapointed in my oncologist's total lack of interest in anything outside of the various drugs he is giving me. The clinic where I recieve my treatment is definitely benefiting as well as the giant pharmacology companies. Research is going to follow the money, with rare exceptions. That said, I am not talking about positive thinking. If I were standing on the deck of the Titanic and the lifeboats were gone, I don't think that being happy would be a solution. I was diagnosed with stage four cancer with liver mets in Feb. After two months of treatment, a PET scan showed no evidence of disease. My oncologist was surprised. This is not what he expected. Me either.

I have been reading quantum physics on an elementary level. And it leaves me filled with awe. Everything is so beautifully interconnected. I do believe that we influence how our bodies respond to illness. What I meant earlier in this post by directed thinking was that I meditated on my immune system, on the healing power of my own body. I visualized the cancer cells dying. I can't prove that it made any difference at all. But I can't prove that it didn't.

Obviously, there are many factors involved in the onset of cancer. Genetics ( as far as the breast cancer gene) accounts for only a small percentage of cases. Environmental insults from chemicals such as dioxins play a role. Viruses may also have an impact. But none of this disproves the theory that our emotions or thoughts or life experiences may affect our immune system or any of our autonomic systems,for that matter. How our body reponds to the cancer cells is obviously not under our conscious control. But that does not mean that it not affected by stress, etc.

There are scientific studies that suggest a strong connection between emotions and illness. It is erroneous to declare that it is an opinion with no basis in fact. I've included sites that address these issues.

http://www.psycho-oncology.net/abstracts.html

http://womensmindbodyhealth.info/science32.htm

http://www.scirus.com/srsapp/search?q=mind+body&ds=jnl&ds=nom&ds=web&g=s&t=all

http://www.infinityinst.com/articles/psychoneuroimmunology.html

http://www.scirus.com/srsapp/search?q=psychoneuroimmunology&ds=jnl&ds=nom&ds=web&g=s

My thoughts on the matter are that both points of view are valid, with the understanding that it is not a matter of blame if you get sick or don't get well. No amount of thinking, positive or otherwise will keep us alive in this body forever. No amount of happy thoughts will console us when we lose people we care about. For some of us, it is important to feel that we can be proactive. That there is something we can do. It makes me feel less like a victim. We may not be able to heal ourselves but I think that to discount the mind-body connection is dangerous. The benefits may not be lifesaving but they can be life enhancing.

Leslie

P.S. The picture I have included with my profile is a painting I was just finishing when I was diagnosed. Phoenix rising.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi Leslie, It is most impressive to find a woman with a biologist's mind (and degrees to prove it) who is into quantim physics (on any level) and has such a spiritual outlook! It is a joy to meet you! You speak of awe. Einstein said that "what is so incomprehnsible about the Universe is that it is so incomprehensible" , so incredibly and precisely designed. He believed their had to be an Intelligence at work.

The NY onc/hematol/nutritional expert I have been blessed to come to know (wrote HEALING ESSENCE -- Dr. Mitchell Gaynor) believes in a holistic approach. He has classes teaching meditation and guided imagery. He's quite zen, for an all American boy. Kodansha America, Inc. publishing in Ny, NY. Most worthy of your attention. I found his bk life-altering! Also, just must add FIGHTING CANCER by Richard Bloch (of H & R Bloch) is FREE for a phone call -- 1 - 800 - 433 - 0464 -- chronicling his story of lung ca, 3 mnths to live. 20 odd yrs later he was still alive, using highly aggressive chemo he asked for, visualization, positive thinking and love for his wife Annette. It is
quite compelling.

If I were on the Titanic as it was sinking w/no life boats around, I suspect I'd feel much like a 4th stage ILC patient w/2 nodes involved. Thinking happy thoughts would be most inappropriate. I would call upon the Universe, seeking to draw strength and miracles to sustain me. The heroine of the movie had the love the the young man and an unhinged door that came floating by to save her. I watched a woman being interviewed on HBO. She was Russian, a SURVIVOR after terrorists attacked a theater in that country yrs ago. The authorities pumped a gas into the theater, after a long stand off and many threats, all inside succumbed, passing out, vomiting, some choking to death on their own vomit. This woman was one of a handful who survived. (The police had not thought their plan out, and did not have the remedy handy for the captives.) WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED THAT YOU ARE STILL ALIVE??? She looked away from the interviewer, her eyes darting about as she investigated her thoughts. In a heavy Russian accent, she proclaimed, with much passion -- I COMMANDED my body to survive!!!! I had goose bumps. And I never forgot it. So when I was dx I too commanded my body to survive, with absolute impassioned determination and conviction.

After the horrific tsunami a few yrs ago, I watched a model who was vacationing there and had survived. This was some 9 mnths later. Her companion perished. She clung to a tree for 9 hrs as I recall, w/what turned out to be a brkn pelvis, ribs and such from the heavy debris crashing over her again and again. 9 hrs of refusing to let go. She was not thinking happy thoughts, for sure. She was drawing upon the energy of the Universe to enable her to withstand the unthinkable onslaught. Her will was strong, bolstered by her spiritual connection.

Leslie -- your painting is remarkable. Beautiful. Inspiring. I will carry the image with me always. As the sun dies in flames each day as it sets in a magnificent display of artistry and emerges again w/ea morning. The phoenix rises from the fire and ashes and has a spiritual rebirth, renewed and reinvigorated. That is what I wish for ev Warrior Woman among these posts. May we ea find the fortitude to withstand the 9 hrs of our clinging to a tree midst the Chaos of Life, and to emerge stronger, wiser, braver and forever changed in marvelous ways. With my loving wishes... ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

One of Leslie's post links has electrified me. DON'T MISS IT! I'm wading my way through her list slowly and eagerly. This site is from The Academy for Guided Imagery, located in Malibu, California. It mentions a book called Healing Yourself, by Dr. Martin Rossman. "Imagery is the natural language of the unconscious, going to the heart and bypassing words". It speaks of the fact that your body has an incredible natural ability to heal. Our goal is to harness that power. To learn about it and access it.

http://womensmindbodyhealth.info/science32.htm (http://womensmindbodyhealth.info/science32.htm)

"The Spirit is the master; imagination the tool, and the body the plastic material...the power of the imagination is a great factor in medicine. It may produce diseases in man and in animals, and it may cure them...Ills of the body may be cured by physical remedy or by the power of the Spirit acting through the Soul." Paracelsus, Father of Modern Medicine

"A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral." Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Sending healing energy to all... ANDI

[vickie h]

Andi and Leslie and all,

Your posts are so wonderful to wake up to, a cup of tea in my hand, the sun peeking throught the Cypress, and deer playing in the hills beyond.

I think of E.E. Cummings and his quote when I think of you all...."To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human can fight....and never stop fighting"

Thank you for lifting us all up by making us think, by making us discover new trails...for we should not go where the path may lead, we should go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.....

Today is so breathtakingly beautiful and filled with the strains of classically moving music sung by the wind, orchestrated by the rustle of golden leaves, penned in the silver ink of human love.

I cherish all of you brave and bold and lovely women.

Never forget that All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident

My love reaches out to you . Love, Vickie

[fauxgypsy]

I don't feel very enlightened today. I have been tired and irritable all day. I don't know if it is the anemia or the shot they gave me for it but I have been tired. For some reason I am getting phone numbers wrong and I am typing worse than normal.

I may just be tired. My daughter, Athena, and I have done several faux finish jobs in the last few weeks and I may just need some down time to recharge my batteries. I have scheduled some down time for the summer so that will probably help. I hope to do more paintings in the next few weeks. I am going to try and get them in a gallery in Oxford. I would really rather paint than do the faux.

The mind-body connection is fascinating. I have been reading Deepak Chopra's book "Life After death" and Wayne Dyer's books "Intention" and "Inspiration." Wayne Dyer's works just seem to nourish my spirit. I have started a journal at WWW.fauxgypsy.pnn.com (http://www.fauxgypsy.pnn.com). I am not sure if it will be all that interesting but it is there for now. I also have started a page at Care Pages. It is called LoveLetters. I don't know if y'all are familiar with Care Pages. It is a place where you can create a page for your friends and family to keep up with how you are feeling. I think it is a great idea when you really don't feel like talking with everyone.

Here is another link that is addresses the mind-body connection. I don't think I included it in the last post. I get the MindPower newsletter. Some of it is a little out there but it makes for interesting reading.

http://www.cancerselfcare.com/html/mind_power.html

Andrea, I love your enthusiasm. Vicki, I love your quotes. I don't know if you read my post with this quote: "En el mundo del Destine, no hay statistica" - In the world of destiny, there are no statistics (attributed to Martin Alberto Filches and quoted in Stuart Archer Cohen's The Stone Angels). I read this right before my second PET scan. I still repeat it to myself when I need it.

Several years ago when I was a graduate student there were several of us who shared and office. My friend, Scott, and i would find quotes that we really liked, turn them into small signs and put them on the wall in a corner that we called our "profundity corner." One day we wanted to rearrange the office and asked the other students if they minded. One of them told us it was okay as long as we didnt' put his desk in the "fecundity corner." Scott and I just looked at each other. After the other student had left we fell out laughing. The we decided that maybe he was right. The quotes did keep mutiplying.
Leslie

[vickie h]

I read your journal, walked out to the sun and cried as I sat on the deck staring at the creek below. Your writing touched my heart so deeply. It was interesting, heartfelt and heart breaking all at once. It took me back over three years ago to Feb (like you) when I was diagnosed with stage 3b IBC.

I was greeted by four Drs. while I was in the hospital with pneumonia. It seems that the CAT scan they took of my chest lit up like a christmas tree, and they were somber, looking at the floor, their eyes fleeting, glancing only as long as they had to at me lying there in bed. I was told that my prognosis was very poor and that chemo was my only hope for another year or two of life. My husband was running an errand and I was there by myself. I felt myself wanting to reach out and put my hands on their heavy shoulders. I told them not to be burdened...I felt sorry for them. One was a surgeon, the other an Oncologist, another a plastic surgeon, and the other a Pulmonologist. I told them I would be OK, I smiled, I felt my body melt into the crisp, white hospital sheets, I turned and stared out the door. When they left, the tears fell like acid across my cheeks onto my chest, etching the beginning of a story I was part of, an actress in a movie I never auditioned for, a black comedy perhaps. I fled to Mexico as soon as I left the hospital and would not call back home for the results of my biopsy. I sat by the pool and ate almonds and brown rice and water, while others feasted on enchiladas and washed them down with margaritas. I took long walks and swam and wondered about all things.

I came home to messages on my phone directing me to an Oncologist's office and my diagnosis. They were frantic, they were worried. I called them, haltingly, and assured them I would be OK. I fled then to The Kushi Institute, A macrobiotic compound in Maryland. Again, I stayed there for a week and cancelled appointments for chemo. I ate lots of seaweed, vegies, brown rice, and slept to the sound of the snow outside.

I came home and started chemo, and as they put in that first needle, again the tears spilled all over my shirt. I felt broken, I felt lost, I felt cheated. The women sitting near me nodded in recognition, in sisterhood. They knew. I didn't yet. The nurses hugged me and comforted me that day. My husband and daughters stood by me like boulders fending off the floods. I walked out of there a person changed forever. My hair fell out a week later, followed by all other body hair the next week. I. too. stared in the mirror, but a strange thing happened then. I looked at a reflection of a woman filled with stregnth and courage and hope and I hardly recognized her. It was me. Without any hair, eyelashes, or wigs. I missed the old me, wanting to hang on, but letting go and floating into the next world.

Today, I have hair, and eyelashes and dignity. I love the new me, though I still catch a glimpse of myself all those years ago in the mirror. I've decided I love both of those people and I love you, too, Vickie

[MichelleH]

I am also a big believer that the mind is a powerful tool, we just have to know how to use it & put it to use. From everything you describe, sounds like you're a fan of "The Secret". I have read the book & recently rented the movie. There is a section on self healing. My husband & I have decided to purchase the movie so we have it at home & can watch it from time to time to keep our minds on track and keep the positive energy flowing.
Dodie Osteen (a minister's wife) wrote a book called "Healed of Cancer". She was DX in 1981 with cancer that had metastasized to her liver (Docs couldn't find origin). Docs said she had only weeks to live and said chemo would not prolong her life any and so they sent her home to die. Through strong belief of the power of the Lord and positive thinking, she is alive and cancer free today. Not bad for someone with only weeks to live eh?
Just thought I's let you know I think you right on base!
Lots of hugs,
Michelle

[fauxgypsy]

Vicki,
Thank you. I am so sorry you were alone when you found out. I understand the need to tell everyone that it will be all right. I still want to protect my family from the worst of it. I knew it was bad the day the young woman who did my ultrasound wished me luck while she was avoiding looking at me. I had a terrible sense of urgency but it seemed like no one else did. I wanted everything done right then. The surgeon didn't seem concerned at the time. If I had left it up to him it would have taken several more days to find out the results of the lumpectomy. I knew the head of the lab at the hospital where they were processing my tissue samples so I was able to get it expedited a little and I had them send the results to my GP who got back to me as soon as he heard. I knew before the surgeon did. When I saw him he was very negative. Terrible prognosis, on and on. When I went back to him to get my port he started again, asking me did I realize how bad this was, how terrible the side effects would be, etc. I finally pulled out the information on the chemo from the oncologist and laid it in front of him. The port he put in never quit hurting and when it quit working two months into this I refused to go back to him and had another surgeon replace it. It seemed as if he thought that I wasn't taking it seriously because I wasn't crying. I have cried very little. And I would not cry in front of him.
I have been on the verge of tears many times lately, which seems a little backwards since I had that wonderful PET scan that nobody expected last month. I was sitting on the deck yesterday holding a calico kitten and wondering if she would outlive me. Just a passing thought. I have realized that my life has irrevocably changed and I will never again be without this cancer. I will never again take so much for granted. I know that I will come to terms with it in time but right now I don't feel that I even have the words to explain what I have lost.
Several good things have come out of this, though. In 1999 I was taking a medication called Reglan and one of the side effects can be clinical suicidal depression. It took me months to get over this. My mother died two days after I got out of the hospital. I have always loved to write and during this time words literally failed me. For the first time in my life I could not write. It gave me no comfort. If I tried I could not focus. Poetry could not comfort me. Now I feel that I am able to write again. So maybe this time words will help me find a way through.

Leslie

[fauxgypsy]

One more site.

http://www.mindpowernews.com/PsychologyOfMiraculous.htm

Leslie

[Mary Anne in TX]

Hi Leslie!

And so wonderfully, your words allow so many more of us to, through your words, see our own thoughts, feelings, and experiences in writing. Thanks so much to all for your honest sharing - it keeps life rich, real, and doable! ma

[hutchibk]

I am so very intrigued by this thread. I love what Andi is trying to share. I am also astounded that anyone could infer from what she has written that the cancer patient can find blame in their life for getting cancer. That is so far removed from what she is trying to share...

My counselor and I have been talking about this for 3 years now. It has been a very educational journey. I have always presented outwardly what others have experienced to be a positive attitude. I have received many compliments during this journey from outsiders who find me inspiring. But I knew that something was missing, that portraying a positive attitude was the easy part and was only half of the equation, that living it on the inside, in my body and my mind was a more difficult part to accomplish. It has taken me a while to get there and I am not totally there yet. But I am working on it. I still go to the dark places. You have to. You have to bring them to the surface, experience them and acknowledge them in order to let them go. But it's the learning to cope with them, bringing them into the light and purging them that is the key. It's a discipline just like anything else in life. Changing thought patterns is hard work. It's challenging. It's more than just anti-depressants and weekly therapy. (both of which have been tremendously helpful to me). Thoughts and inner dialogue are as innate as putting one foot in front of the other. But over a lifetime, left truly unattended, the brain and the thoughts can take on a sludge, a "coating", an unintended and ill-trained way of operating. Much like a car engine that is never lubed or maintained and eventually needs an overhaul. It's human nature and it is not something to blame one's self for. The key is to recognize it and take steps to correct it - to do the "overhaul." It's hard to learn how to "expand the rubberband" on one's brain. Whether I had cancer or not, I would hope that I would have embarked on this journey anyway... of re-training my brain and inner dialogue. Of looking inward for the disconnect between mind and body. And finding ways to connect the two. The mind and body are a temple. I used to hear that and think it was hooey. Now I know differently.

My counselor has given me so many gifts, and one of them is the gift of relaxation and visualization. Another is the technique to change the inner dialogue. We have discussed that you can't truly find The Secret without regular wrestling with the negatives. You can't get to point B without doing the hard work of point A. Point A (the negatives) have to be acknowledged and brought into the light. And once you have done the work to lay the foundation, then you must set the goal and take massive action towards the goal. The Secret is more than just "positive thoughts" - it's a lot of challenging work. You can't skim over the fundamentals to the cream on top.

The less than positive thoughts and resentments in our lives, when allowed to go unchecked, are poison, toxic. I know that since I have truly embraced the harder work and gentle teachings from my counselor, my body has felt wildly better and healthier. My mind is sending it a more gentle and positive electricity instead of lightning bolts and surges of hidden negativity and resentment. I attribute my body's mostly easy tolerance of the many different treatments to the mind/body connection work that I have been doing (in earnest) over the last year.

The newest gift my counselor is giving me is the gift of meditation. Due to my work with her, I have found my personal access to what is know as "The Blue Pearl" and it is so beautiful. I know there is a deeper meaning to be found surrounding my Blue Pearl, but just to be able to see it so easily now is one of the most beautiful things in my life. I believe that accessing it and seeing it in my relaxation and meditation opens up blocked corridors to the essence of the crucial mind-body connection. Remember that word "connection" as you contemplate all of this. The mind and body are always connected, but you have to be sure that the electricity between the two is a positively charged connection and not negatively charged... "Putting Negative Electricity into a light bulb will darken a sunlit room."

As my nutritionist says: "There is more to winning the battle against cancer than simply relying on technology. When it comes to cancer survival, conventional medicine often ignores the body's own remarkable restorative powers. Doctors are unable to explain in scientific terms instances that can only be attributed to self-healing. The spiritual and emotional components of healing cannot be defined by statistics and cannot be measured by sophisticated instruments. No-one can guarantee you a miracle, but why not
try?"

I consider the work I am doing on mind-body connection to be simply another component in the natural and traditional healing/nutritional support changes I have chosen to pursue in combination with my conventional treatments...

[vickie h]

Leslie, Your post again grabbed and held my attention and my heart. You have been through so much . I want you to know that you have a lifelong (?) friend. And I too, held my cat and wondered that very same thing.

I have been wandering the beaches near here and have picked up sand dollars and star fish and shells, thinking about their existence and how they came to thier deaths and how they ended up in my hands, I have them in my home and everyday I look at them I realize how fleeting this moment on Earth is. I will walk through the next door into a whole new world someday. I cannot deny that nor would I want to. I just want to live with the blood coursing through my bones, alive and extremely grateful for every second I get to be here. I send you my love and healing energy today under the hot California sun. Much love, Vickie

[Heart Sutra]

Victor Frankl's "Man's Search For Meaning" referenced above contains one perfect line that stands out and has been demonstrated as true in both mine and Sue's experience. Nothing too philosophical here... (Doesn't really speak to this issue either ;) )
The line is:
"He who has a WHY to live can bear any HOW."

This has little to do with positive thought, or mind body connections, sickness, health, or even happiness for that matter. Take from it as you wish, or not at all. There is truth there though.

Yes, going over one's past certainly can explain a lot about who you are today, and a calm mind is more likely healthier than a stressed one, and yes extreme stress can wear on the body as well as the mind, but it doesn't necessarily follow then that a positive mind can cure illness. This is flawed reasoning.

It is more likely that a positive attitude can't hurt, and nothing more or less.

We see the original post as sincerely written with good intentions. We don't need to agree with it to see that there wasn't any suggestion to stop treatments, or to abandon modern medicine for therapy sessions, or prayer sessions, or even the diet du jour for that matter... it seems to be an opinion expressed out of goodwill. There's our 2 cents.

All anyone has, cancer or not, is this moment. In this moment, We're glad you're all here mixing it up for a change.
And... big P.S. for those of you who focus on this sort of thing ( you know who you are :) ). Sue and I write together, She's made me edit out my diatribe, which I really enjoyed writing too -- Probably for the best.

Thank you for being here in this moment

[fauxgypsy]

I feel like I have been patted on the head. There is a whole field of scientific research into the interconnection between our mental and physical states. It is not about a belief system. Andi's initial post was thought provoking and I feel that it has lead to a great discussion. In my posts I am not talking about the "power of positive thinking." I am suggesting that learning new ways to respond to the stressors in one's life, as an example, might lead to a greater degree of healing. This is not to negate the use of allopathic medicine. Or to suggest that anyone should approach it as I did. I feel that the term complementary medicine says it precisely.
I am suggesting that there is another way to think about this. Women used to die in great numbers from childbirth fever. Doctors did not understand the importance of disinfecting their hands, So they thought nothing of going from a death bed to a women giving birth without washing their hands. By doing this they caused the deaths of many women. Up until it was finally proved that bacteria caused infection and thus illness, this did not change. Even then there were people who refused to believe that something that was invisible to the human eye could cause disease.
What if we are at the verge of another paradigm shift? What if we are looking at something that cannot be seen under the microscope but can only be measured by its effects? Immune system responses can be measured. Endocrine levels can be monitored. In the same way that astronomers can find a planet or star that they cannot see in a telescope, by its effects on the planets near it, scientists are trying to determine the effects of the emotions ( to simplify it) on the other systems of the body. Read the research with an open mind. It is very interesting even if you choose to dismiss it.
http://www.mnwelldir.org/docs/immune/psychon.htm
http://www.nfnlp.com/psychoneuroimmunology_quinlan.htm#research
http://www.wellness.org.za/html/pni.html
http://www.bcaction.org/Pages/SearchablePages/1992Newsletters/Newsletter014C.html
http://www.cousinspni.org/
http://www.aacn.org/pdfLibra.NSF/Files/CI1411/$file/ci140105.pdf
http://www.appi.org/book.cfm?id=8171
I am going to bed. I feel sure that this discussion will continue. I have been taking part in a very important human ritual. At least to me. Harvest. I probably don't save a penny but it makes my heart feel good. We have been putting up pickles. Sweet pickles. 10 gallons of cucumbers . We are being industrious little ants. There is a poem by Millay, "Rosemary". the first lines are "For the sake of some things that now be no more,...I will plant bergamot at my kitchen door". Canning and pickling make me feel connected to life in a very good way. Wonder if it boosts my immune system? ;)

Leslie

[vickie h]

Leslie, I agree wholeheartedly with you. Some things cannot be explained/examined/scientifically explained. Those things which we cannot measure, or see, or explain with logic surround us every day. There needn't be any research to just know (feel) that our thoughts and actions influence our immune systems. Science is not always to be trusted since they skew their results to match their hypothesis, invariably inducing an exchange of capitol....sometimes refered to the root of all evil.
I am glad you are canning, it is a wonderful and productive and fruitful act of creativity. I used to can tomatoes and jam and I remeber the sweet scent of warm berries, and herbs filling my kitchen as I lined up the colorful jars of sauces. I have never canned pickles but my mouth started watering when I read your post. I love pickles!
Love and peace, Vickie

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

HELLO AGAIN! I did not disappear. Sorry. Been tending to my husband. His agonizing and extreme case of Shingles -- beginning May 29 -- spiraled into a long adventure of collapsing backward, momentarily losing consciousness, breaking his foot, going to the emergency room, having Brain CT and then Brain MRI, being kept overnight (taken off certain nerve pain that created dizziness, confusion, garbled speech). Dehydration also contributed to his staggering, knee-buckling state (couldn/t/wouldn't eat or drink due to intense pain and suffering). Then a urinary tract infection turned out to be urine retention and an enlarged prostate that created an urgent need to see a find a urologist and be catheterized. Put back on alpha blocker that he had taken for yrs without episode but had stopped for 3 days in accordance w/doc's recommendation. Dizziness, knee-buckling falling backward recurred. Eyes fluttering, confused, speech garbled again. I called 911 and asked for an ambulance. That was Monday night. He is fine now. We are again home from the hospital. Paul's been taken off the alpha blocker and put on new med to do its' job heart-wise and keep urine flowing as well. Seeing urologist this afternoon for follow up. Seeing orthopedist Monday for follow up. Seeing cardiologist in 2 wks for follow up. We are shaken but we are forging ahead with prayers and love. So I haven't caught up on my 141 emails and am slowly plodding on to pick up where I left off. Which was about a wk ago, I think. My head is awhirl.

Just read Leslie post and I am in love w/her. I am getting to replies to other posts and messages slowly but surely, w/determination. Want to meet Leslie and Vickie and have lunch. I adore you both. Couldn't agree w/you more. Will also begin my homework assignment and click on the links provided. They are soooo fascinating. Actually reading what my heart tells me is True, seeing the words of my thoughts in black and white, written my some one else is a mind-blowing experience!

Love to all my Soul Sisters, as always. OH, BTW -- midst all this I had a 7AM mammogram last wk and I am NORMAL. Scans on the 28th. No time for the usual jitters prescan, called INSCANITY by some one on this board, which I relate totally to. I'm busy focusing on my Paul and sending my prayers out into the Universe for him. So, if some one reads this and has a moment, send a prayer for the 28th to result in SAME DAY "STABLE" RESULTS (chest/abd/pelv). ANDI

[fauxgypsy]

Andi, I am so sorry for your husband. Years ago I had shingles, just a small breakout and for a day or so it was bad. I can't imagine a full scale breakout. Do they have him on any anti-virals? Mine cleared up really fast. Concrats on your results and my prayers are with you and your husband.

Leslie

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi Leslie! Paul had pain from hip to testicle at first for a wk. We saw an orthopedist, did MRI, thinking referred pain. Then, went to internist. Still no rash for 1 wk. Once we saw this flaming red from navel down and around to spine and down, we called and got a FAMVIR script called in. A COMEDY OF ERRORS, which isn't funny when it's happening to you. Love the doc, hate his office. Can't get a response. Even if in dire pain and in critical condition!! Finally, after calling my dghtr, saying, I'm not thinking clearly, what can I do? She told me to "prompt" the "if you are a doctor or a hospital" button! BIG LESSON. But, I can't do that. I'm not a doctor or a hospital. Rule follower, me. You've called 5 times and no one has called you back, this is an emergency -- you can call. So I got "permission" and though generally so proactive hesitated until I got the message from Ali. I prompted the special # and got through to a person and begged.

The "funny" part is that when my husband wound up in the hosp the 1st time they were trying to give him that med 3X a day. He insisted he's only supposed to get it once a day, as the bottle at home said. Was it the doc who wrote it funny (looked clear to me when I checked at subsequent office visit)? Was it the Janice person who called it in wrong? Was it the pharmacy that insists that was what Janice said, 500 mg once a day -- 21 pills (as in for 3 wks). So, Paul should have been getting triple the dosage, which would have lessened the severity of the pain, which would have lessened the need for the nerve pain med that caused him to become dizzy, disoriented, etc and fall and break his foot!!!

I had Shingles w/2nd rd of chemo (Taxotere) about 5 wks in. Caught it instantly as a big bug bite on my belly. Felt sick, fluish, nauseous. light-headed and thought it was from the chemo. Went for visit (checking out possible stem cell transplant w/3 specialists) and asked WHAT'S THIS? Herpes Zostra. Went for chemo 3 days later, as the rash spread all around front and back ON ONE SIDE and onc said NO CHEMO. Not when you have Shingles. Can't get chemo. I knew I would die if I didn't get the chemo. So I made up my mind I would cure it fast. Was on Valtres ('98 drug of choice). Added supplements from my Prescription For Nutritional Healing bible, meditated, prayed, envisioned, sent healing messages to my body in no uncertain terms. 10 days later I returned to onc. How are you doing?, he asked. I'm cured, I said. He smiled, laughed a little, and said, Let me see. Walked all around me. Wow. You're right. Very nice. Good for you. You can have chemo! YEAH! I was taking pain killers ev 4 hrs. Thought I would die from the pain alone. Calamaine ev hr. But insisted to healing fast if I wanted to live, and I did, and do.

I recommended to Paul that he get rid of the Shingles in 10 days, like me. We know people who had it for 8 mnths, a yr. You don't want to follow in their footsteps. I put him on the supplements, which he took begrudgingly. Moaning and in pain. I said, If you want to help yourself, boost your immune system! I left the page of the book (above) open, highlighted in bright pink, with the bottles and permanent marker indicating X1 or X2 or empty stomach. He took "some".

A friend of ours, Michael, told me I should have put a note on top saying, DO NOT READ! We must keep laughing...

Sending much love. Still trying to catch up w/old mail. I have a lot to say to you Leslie. You've been in my thoughts. I adore your posts. Your quotes. So much to say. Patience, please. Almost time to go to followup visit w/urologist for Paul.

I decided, I swear, it's easier to be the patient than the caregiver. Paul is an excellent caregiver!! And a really lousy, cranky patient. Poor baby.

ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hello all! I'm busy "catching up". People ask how are you doing? I want to answer honestly so I say GOOD, BUT LOW ON ENERGY... I want so much to respond GREAT! Check out the thread CHEMO BRAIN, please. There's some helpful info on this topic in there. My posts re SUPPLEMENTS -- PHYTO FORMULA and NADH have come to bless my life, pepping me (and boy did I need it lately).

I know, exhaustion can feel so defeating and depressing. I try to stay connected to my Spiritual core for strength and well-being, harmony and serenity.

Leslie -- you mention Wayne Dyer. I'm a total FAN! I've read the bks you mention above. I wanted to add to his credit some other bks I have read of his that were quite profound and altered my view of Self and Life. THE SACRED SELF, YOU'LL SEE IT WHEN YOU BELIEVE IT, WISDOM OF THE AGES and MANIFEST YOUR DESTINY. All gems I highly recommend for those seeking to find joy and peace, self-love and Empowerment.

Your painting is a fabulous creative outlet for your emotions (much like writing). Why do you aspire to show at Oxford, may I ask? Just curious. As in the UK? I told you, I will carry the image of your Phoenix with me forever. Your talent, Leslie is quite beautiful, as if your radiant Spirit.

How was Chopra's Life After Death? Can you share your overall impressions? I have quoted Wayne so much my family groans when I start a sent with, Well, Wayne says... As you say, Leslie, he feeds my Soul, re-awakens and reinvigorates it . He reminds it of what it always knew but had forgotten!

Sending loving energy to all you wonderful Warrior Women... ANDI

[Joe]

test

Regards
Joe

[fauxgypsy]

Hi Andi,
I am tired too. I have had two Aranesp shots, four weeks ago and two weeks ago. I am going to check out the supplements you have mentioned. We have a busy day Monday. I have an appointment for a second opinion and my husband has to have a CT scan. He has been hurting lately and I was wondering if it was his gallbladder but instead they found a spot on his right kidney. Hopefully it is nothing, but we will see. He keeps saying that it is a pulled muscle. I hope so.
The second opinion is one I should have gotten before now. First it was in my liver and then it wasn't, no biopsy to prove it either way and no surgery or dose dense chemo because it had already spread but maybe it hadn't. After we started treatment the oncologist said that it might have been a fluke. I am very glad that nothing showed up in my second PET scan. But I still have my doubts about the course of treatment. I think the second opinion will give me peace of mind. I have met the new oncologist (he was my stepfather's when he had cancer) before and really felt that he was compassionate. He takes his time to talk with you and I am very uncomfortable with how rushed I feel with my current oncologist.
I am hoping that I will paint more now that I doing less faux finshes, etc. I live near Oxford, MS, where the University Of Mississippi (Ole Miss) is located. It gets a lot of alumni, of which I am one, and tourists because of this. Not Oxford, England although I would love to visit there.
Hope you and your husband feel better soon.

Leslie

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Vickie, I have been preoccupied w/my husband's medical misadventures, but from the moment I read your post about being given the grim news by 4 docs surrounding your hospital bed, alone but for your pneumonia -- I have been beside myself. What were they thinking? This was clearly not the time to approach the lone patient. The synchronicity of their being in the same place at the same time was not a strong enough case to hit you over the head, blindsiding you. Traumatic doesn't even begin to cover what you went throug. I am so sorry that happened in that most awful of ways.

A few times you mention you assured others YOU WOULD BE OKAY. That was your Spirit speaking! Do not dismiss it as placating, attempting to comfort others in your compassionate way. BELIEVE IT. Your trip to Mexico, taking long walks, swimming in the buoyant waters, wondering about all things was your Spirit trying to make you feel connected to Life. Eating the right things was your Soul seeking to nourish you as it craved your acknowledgement. Once we find our True Self, discover our Essence, at our core, we can more easily tap into Universal guidance and wisdom.

In MY PRAYER FOR SURVIVAL that I wrote in Dec '98, midst Taxotere and torment throughout my body, at the lowest point in my entire life, I began with the following words. I AM WOUNDED, BUT I WILL SURVIVE. I AM DEEP IN THE WOODS, BUT I AM NOT LOST. MY BODY ACHES WITH THE DEATH OF MY CANCER CELLS. BUT I AM STRONG, BRAVE AND DETERMINED. THIS STORM WILL NOT TOUCH MY CORE. I WILL NOT LET IT. MY ESSENCE IS CALM AND POISED. MY WILL IS GREAT AND SHALL TRIUMPH. I WILL BE STEADFAST. THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

Vickie, you are not broken. I understand that you may feel lost and cheated. But know that -- you are being led. The tangible evidence of your efforts lie before you. As you expect the best, so it will come. It is a Universal Law. Do not retreat. There is a malfunction afoot. You will not break. Your Spirit will not be broken. Diligently stand guard against toxic thoughts and images. Acknowledge them, experience them and then be done with them. You have much to be grateful for. ou are truly blessed. As you see the radiance of life, the darkness within dissolves.

You are in a process of spiritual unfolding. When all is calm, we stagnate. You are becoming more than you were, your life enriched immeasurably with fresh perspectives, the gift of feeling truly alive with each new day.

You write with such artistry, Vickie. YOU WILL BE OKAY, as your Spirit told you repeatedly. Stop resisting participating in this unwanted drama. It is your Life. Rejoice. You are on a gravel-packed road but with the power of your chosen thoughts and images, stubborn determination that will not flag and belief in your abilities to triumph you will be guided through this the mother of all storms.

With much loving energy being sent your way... ANDI

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

<TABLE class=tborder id=post126550 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=6 width="100%" align=center border=0><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD class=alt1 id=td_post_126550 style="BORDER-RIGHT: #aa8799 1px solid">Thought you who were interested in the CONTROVERSIAL TOPIC of the mindbody connection (which turned out to be a whole lot more *controversial* than I'd guessed at first) -- would be interested in this post from OPRAH thread. Seems most of you have at the very least *suspected* the link and many are actually utilizing your innate healing powers to your advantage. In that spirit -- I copied the following posts to help feed your expanded consciousness. Sent with loving energy to all, as always!

Andi - I never answered you.... 'Om Namo Guru Dev Namo' means "I bow to the teacher within my soul, I bow to the friends that I've come to know." My counselor taught it to me, it is a Kundalini Mantra and it is used for healing balance of the chakras through the fingertips... the fingertips of each hand corresponds with the chakras as follows: thumb with 2nd chakra; index finger with 5th chakra; middle finger with 3rd chakra; ring finger with 6th chakra; and little finger with 4th chakra. I don't know much more than that, but I know I am experimenting with it as I learn more about meditation.
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->__________________
Brenda

AS OF 6/07...
* Nov'03, diagnosed stage 2B
* Dec'03, Rt side mastectomy, Her2neu+, ER/PR+,10 nodes removed, one +node
* Jan'04, Taxotere/Adria/Cytoxan x 6
* NED, Clean margins, no Rads
* Tamoxifen 1 year, then Arimadex for 3 months
* NED 14 months
* Sept'05, recurrence/microscopic mets in lungs/chest nodes/one underarm node
* Switched to Aromasin after recurrence
* Taxol/Carbo/Herceptin x 7
* NED 6 months - Herceptin only
* Aug'06, recurrence/micro mets in chest nodes & bone spots at C3 in neck
* Added Taxol to Herceptin indefinitely
* Feb'07 Genetic testing, BRCA 1 & 2 negative
* Apr'07 MRI revealed 2 small (9mm) brain mets & 5 punctates, and new left chest met.
Small increase of bone met in neck.
* Starting Tykerb/Xeloda May'07
* MRI June'07 - stable brain mets, no new mets, 9mm spots less enhanced.
* Tumor markers down from 45 to 17 in 7 weeks.
* Ty/Xel working it's magic!
* Will re-scan Aug'07.

NOV'06 - 3 year anniversary


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</TD><TD class=alt1 id=td_post_126573 style="BORDER-RIGHT: #aa8799 1px solid"><!-- icon and title -->http://her2support.org/vbulletin/images/icons/icon12.gif I Bow To The Teacher Within My Soul

<HR style="COLOR: #aa8799" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->BRENDA THAT IS SOOO BEAUTIFUL! Thank you for remembering to share that. I am reading a link Leslie posted in CONTROVERSIAL TOPIC and I have thrill chills. It speaks of connecting with that teacher within, with your Spirit and the INFINITE POSSIBILITIES that alignment holds for us.

We have each been thrust into a process of RENEWAL with our dx of bc. Mythologist, scholar, teacher and author Joseph Campbell speaks of "regeneration...a retreat from the desperations of the wasteland to the magic" within, "golden seeds (that) do not die". The Soul being eternal.

Medtation allows the "self-righting" mechanism of the body to come into play. Learning to "live in" in the positive images we create is key component of self-HEALING, I am reading. That resonates as a KNOWING I had but was not yet aware of. Having the ability to shift out of "the critical, analytic mode of information processing", to SEE beyond -- "inhibits the interfering signals of doubt and skepticism", says researcher Ian Wickramesekera.

Those "blessed" with the awareness of their healing capabilities have "easier access to...a primarily intuitive and emotional response, thather than a logical or rational one". Harvard anthropologist Richard Katz notes "healers" are "more 'expressive' and passionate'". They raise within heir bodies the "boiling energy", as he studies the African Kung Bushman tribal ceremonies. Katz points to healing being associated with unexpected recoveries. The experts are busy studying "psychological changes that might precede healing -- searching in effect, for a Tumor Necrosis Factor of the Mind".

Fascinating stuff! Makes my heart smile to know such prestigious inquirers are scrutinizing this virtually untapped, hidden resource within each of us.

Sending loving, healing energy to all my Soul Sisters... ANDI :)
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->__________________
'95 age 50 post-menopausal dx ILC -- 9cm tumor + 2 nodes out of 18 -- Lt mastec/tram flap reconst/PORT+8 mnths chemo (4Adria + 8CMF). Borderline ER/PR. Tamoxifen '96-'98. Felt LUCKY. Blessed. Something deep inside told me I WILL SURVIVE THIS!

'98 -- multiple mets to liver + HER2+ 80% ER/PR-. Flushed Tamoxifen down toilet. Raging, highly aggressive tumors spreading fast, per tests over 1st 2 wks. New PORT + 9 mnths Taxotere (isn't called The Freight Train Drug for nothing) but it did the job! We have a love/hate relationship. Made me miserable but helped save my life! Gotta love it...

Added Herceptin Nov '98 (6 wks after FDA fast-tracked its' use for met bc). BEEN ON VIT H EVER SINCE! I believe it keeps my Her2 gene from acting up, keeps more mets at bay, sustains me. Pronounced in CAUTIOUS remission May '99. Now I am a walking miracle. IN THE 1% club, they say! Still NEMD. To hell w/poor prognosis and nasty stats! "A CANDLE LOSES NOTHING IF IT IS USED TO LIGHT ANOTHER."
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[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Meditation allows the "self-righting" mechanism of the body to come into play. Learning to LIVE IN the images we create is a key component of SELF-HEALING, I read. Having the ability to shift out of "the critical, analytic mode of information processing", to SEE beyond -- "inhibis the interfering signals of doubt and skepticism", says researcher Ian Wickramesekera.

Those *blessed* with the awareness of their healing capabilities have "easier access to...aprimarily intuitive and emotional response. Rathan a logical or rational one". Harvard antropoligist Richard Katz notes "healers are more expressive and passionate. They raise with their bodies te "boiling point", as he studies the African Kung Bushman tribal ceremonies.

Becoming duly scarified impels us to go within and connect with our Spirit. That in turn grants us expanded vision and understanding. You can't prescribe it...but you can learn it. See Flori's post I'M SO UPSET from today and read the thread through for more on soothing your psychological blockades and activating your healing powers.

Sending much loving energy to all my Soul Sisters... ANDI :)

[Val Pfeiffer]

Andi--I really like your post (and I LOVE your photo--I just updated mine, but now I think I need to do another one that's more fun:-)

After reading this, I wanted to add the list of things that I felt then (at the time of diagnosis) and now and will in the future--because it reinforce it again for me, and because sharing ideas is what this board is all about:

1. There isn't anything I can do about the fact that I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. But I can choose my response to it.

2. There will always be someone out there who has a worse health situation than me. I can choose a pity party or I choose to live my life the best way possible.

3. I will continue to live my life by doing everything I have always done, unless it becomes impossible. I will continue to teach spin, because a high heart rate might give the Herceptin more "passes" through my body. I will continue to work because it keeps my brain active and happy.

4. While I have not gotten very upset about my situation, I need to understand that others close to me will grieve at different levels. They may expect me to behave in a certain way, or have certain needs, and when I don't match their expectations, I need to be understanding of their emotions.

5. Positive thinking is an effective weapon against fighting diseases like cancer. I can help my chemo drugs work their magic by mentally cheering them on.

6. Today is a great day because I'm alive. Others (like the guy I dated in high school and was engaged to right after high school who was instantly killed in a motor vehicle accident two years ago) don't get the chance to fight for their lives. I am lucky because I have been given that opportunity.

7. In general, people are generous, caring and totally cool. The people on this board, the people who brought meals when I was getting chemo and radiation, the people who sent emails to keep in touch--they are my heroes!


Val

[hutchibk]

Yes Val! Yes, yes, yes!! Thank you. You have put it down in affirmation form and the clarity of your writing and list is perfect.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

HEY VAL-- YOU'RE AN AMAZING GAL! Brenda, you rock. Flori and Kate -- I am standing by your side!

Love your Spirit. Love your LIST! When everything seems to be out of control (our *life* and our bodies) -- what we CAN control is our response to this horrid reality. I chose, as you, to be strong, brave and determined. To live with joy and serenity (knowing I was calling my desired destiny to me with my chosen attitude and my BELIEF). I wasn't to give up a single day to feeling sad or defeated!

From Day 2 -- I would give clear instructions to my body to HEAL, my hand over my malignant breast, sending focused energy specifically to the target area, full of love and intention, to assist all surgery and treatment to eradicate the villian.

When I was first dx, in July '95, Christopher Reeve had just suffered his terrible, paralyzing accident. He could not walk, feed himself, bathe himself, go to the bathroom himself or even breathe on his own. I IMMEDIATELY FELT *LUCKY*. Truly. (My mom was in a nursing home in much the same shape as Chris, w/the addl burden of not knowing who she was or who I was.) I totally felt -- 4th stage bc is scary beyond belief, but I am blessed. It could have been so much worse. I still feel this way.

If one person as survived the kind of met bc I have -- I can survive. YOU can survive. I cleave to that Knowing w/ea beautiful day I wake up alive.

My relationships, w/my husband, my daughters, my friends, my sister have become more deeply appreciated and enhanced by the reality of my battle w/cancer and mortality. Nothing is taken for granted. The truest of friends rose to the top. And even people I thought wouldn't even remember me, and total strangers, have shown such compassion and love, it never fails to blow me away. I get more hugs and I love yous than ever before. And I give more as well! I am more open. More understanding. More nurturing. More giving of myself. More awed by Life than ever before.

These people look like they're in pain, aware of my situation, and I smile gently and inform them that it could be so much worse and I have every Expectation of Surviving! After all these years, they are starting to believe me, and expect me to report back with STABLE after my scans and such. (I wanted to appease them, and I hungrily wanted their POSITIVE energy to go out into the Universe in my behalf.) We are all working (with the power of our thoughts and the power of our love) to boost the effects of the miraculous Vitamin H to keep me alive.

I thank God every day for the opportunity to fight for my life. VAL, you wondrous Spirit you -- your succinct words are treasures! I related to each and every one!!!!! You, and my Soul Sisters on this board, are MY HEROES! You never fail to amaze me with your ability to rally, each of you having fought your way through unimaginable setbacks. I love you all, with all my heart! I applaud you all! I bow to you all! (Women in *normal/civilian* life so often seem superficial, unaware of what a real problem is, or what it takes to get through a day.) LUCKY US. We've gleaned Life Lessons that enrich our experience here on Earth and have made us live with more Grace and resolve than we ever thought possible. We can't recapture the old normal, but if you think about it -- much of what we have gained could not have been achieved in the old normal way. We have grown, expanded our awareness and evolved in to a magnificent new level of consciousness. We've paid a dear price, but -- can't you see how fortunate we are? We've each reached down deep and found an incredible force that keeps us impelled forward and upward. Sending my love and admiration to your wonderful Warrior Women (especially the ones who were recently *re-upped*!). More power to you!
Andi

[lilyecuadorian]

it really is for me like a terapy everytime a read your post Andy thank for your time posting and for all the good vibe and wishs for everyone on this group ....it put my spirit and my hope and better level ..

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

I have lived through the nausea. The tossing and turning, agitated sickness of it. Was that my voice I heard moaning? Thank God for Zofran. I have lived through the queasiness, to be distinguished from raging nausea. I have lived with the metallic taste. The dead taste buds. The I don't think I can eat any thing, but I'll try. I have to keep my engine fueled. I have to drink eight glasses of water a day. Every day. To keep myself hydrated. To help to flush out the toxins. I don't think I can get eight ounces of water down my throat. But, I'll try. Through the relentless waves of nausea. After the Zofran, I could think. I found the strength then to keep on rallying, determined in my struggle. I had this inexplicable but profound faith in my power to call my desired destiny to me. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I believed I could activate my ability to self-heal. Through having my mind talk to my body with clear Intention and absolute, resolute Expectation. I kept reminding myself -- every thought is a prayer. Every prayer is a potential miracle. My Spirit could not be touched by the cancer. I would survive.

I have lived through months of feeling like I had the worst flu any one on the planet ever had. The deep throbbing aching in places I hadn't noticed existed in my body and everywhere, from my head to my toes. My legs were like rubber. They couldn't support me. I have lived through that weak-kneed, I think I may pass out, foggy-brained feeling. The cloudy head remains all these years later. I can't remember what *normal* is...

I have leaned on walls, on my husband's arm, against columns I managed to slip beside, the soap dish carved into the wall of the tiled shower, for support. To steady myself. So as not to collapse to the floor in a heap. I have lived through the deep muscle and tendon pain of each arm and leg, unable to find a comfortable place for myself, propping pillows, sitting, lying down, getting from chair to bed and back by impelling myself with my will to live. I tried to be brave. I felt the chills and then got caught in the feverish throes of sickness. I felt clammy and sicker than ever before. I was in a process, inching my way to be cured, thinking of being stable and as close to cured as I could possibly get.

I have lived through fourth stage breast cancer. How many stages are there?, people asked... I have lived through fourth stage metastatic breast cancer. You lost me, they say. What does *metastatic* mean? I have lived through fourth stage metastatic breast cancer. How do you take the chemotherapy? Is it a pill? The ones who did not know I prayed would never have to know. Why should they? Infusions, PET and CT scans, MUGA scans, ECHO cardiograms, port catheters, CMF, TCH, ILC and IDC and DCIS, lymph node involvement, sentinel nodes, Her2+, Decadron, Hemoglobin, creatin and urea bun blood numbers, pathologists, radiologists, stem cell transplants... You gain a whole new vocabulary when you are diagnosed with breast cancer. Your world is turned upside down and inside out. You add oncologists and breast surgeons to your telephone book. I didn't want to put their names there, but I had to. Then came the need for gastro-enterologists and with hot flashes soaring, an endocrinologist, in addition to the gynecologist and the cardiologist. Yesterday I was healthy. This isn't supposed to happen.

I have lived through five hour infusions, tethered to a pole. You can't focus but you bring two books hoping one will grab you. You can't read a paragraph and retain it's message, but you keep trying. When you have to go the bathroom, you take your pole and your infusion bag hanging from it and wheel it along with you. I watched one man who couldn't sit still in the chemo room walking back and forth down the long hallway. He had clumps of hair on the shoulders and back of his shirt. I was beside myself, agonizing for him. And for me. I have lived in chemo rooms in two states for over a decade. The nurses and staff all know me well. I'm a regular. I come in smiling. I leave grateful to be done.

I have lived through the friends I thought were friends who hid in the supermarket aisles, not wanting to face me. I have lived through the friends I thought were friends who didn't call because they didn't know what to say. I have lived to greet not just one grandchild, but five!!!!! And I have personally witnessed their birth into this world, their first breath taken, on three awesome occasions. (An hour behind with the other two.) All with open arms and an open heart. They are what Life is all about. I have lived to read the letter my ten year old granddaughter wrote to her next door neighbor who's thirty something husband had died last week. Little Josie found the words. They were her own. They came from her heart. She knew what to say.

I have lived with the extraordinary support of my husband, my two daughters, my son-in-law, family and *true* friends. Their loving energy has buoyed me and sustained me.

I live worrying that my port is safe, uninfected and working. I continue to live through the waiting for the results of the tests. I lived through holding my breath to see if the cancer had diminished or if it had spread. Now, I sit praying that I remain stable and have bought four more months of Life. I still live through the anxious anticipation for a week prior to the tests that will determine if I will live or die. I keep choosing Life, but I still become touched by tormenting thoughts in the days leading up to the big day. I live through that fear which is unlike any other. Am I in trouble or should I celebrate? Cancer is one hell of a roller coaster ride. I live concerned that if they have to use my thin frail veins that they will access one that functions without collapsing, rolling over and *blowing out*. I have lived through the uncertainty of whether I will be here next week. I feel bold making an appointment for a year from now, humbled as I write on my calendar. I still live with that preying thought, as all cancer Survivors must do, dare I hope... I have learned to take nothing for granted. And that is good. And that is bad. Each day we reach for Grace, wanting to live. And we are wise enough now to know we should not waste a single day in despair. We seek to rejoice in the day, with joy and serenity, knowing how precarious Life can be and cherishing the gift of each sunrise all the more. That is what I wish for all my sweet Soul Sisters, wonderful Women Warriors who are among the bravest Spirits to roam this earth... Andi http://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/smi/0201e05fca/06
You are so very beautiful, you ladies I adore and admire with all my heart!

[fauxgypsy]

Andi,
I worked in my studio today and then I had to get flat. I am having to get used to the new chemo day. I used to could think "this is Monday and I'll be better tomorrow. But now with chemo on monday then I guess for the next few weeks, Thursday is effectively Monday for me. I just came to the studio to quickly check my email before I go back to bed and saw your last post here.

Andi, you bubble over with life force. There is so much love in you. I am uplifted when I read your words. I have only been dealing with this cancer for such a short time and I cannot begin to imagine years of it. And after years of this well over with this incredible force that I can just feel. Your wisdom and courage and joy just stop me in my tracks. You rock!

There are so many people on this site that I admire. Too many to list. So many strong courageous women and men. I am so glad I found this website and am thankful for the people who have made this possible.

Leslie