a site with photos of unclothed subjects-

[dee]

Here's an URL (http://www.thecenturyproject.com/) you may want to check out, if you are interested in how some women cope with their sense of lopsidedness after surgery.

I know it has been an issue for some, myself included. We have only so many choices to address the loss of this body part: one of them is to readjust our mindsets. I am not saying I don't hate this state of affairs - far from it. But I am not happy about the thought of going through the rest of life ashamed of how I look. Right now, it's hard not to be - I am three years out, and I still avoid looking at myself or revealing to others the outcome of my treatment.

I hope we find a new way to deal with breast cancer that doesn't damage the souls and spirits of women in the future. It's hard enough having cancer. The effects of having a mastectomy (or two) are insults to an already compounded injury....

[Audrey]

Thanks for sharing this, Dee. I found it interesting to read the various thoughts and feelings of those women with mastectomies. I had a mastectomy 5 years ago and felt very lopsided and finally had the other breast removed preventatively (very dense and fibrocystic)--I felt better being even on both sides, but not a day goes by that I don't miss what I once had. Implants are just not the same. Not long ago someone asked my mother-in-law how I was doing and she said "It's been almost 5 years since her diagnosis and she's doing great! It's like it never even happened" I heard that and just shook my head--she'll just never understand how changed I am, completely, by this experience. That's why I still come to this site, even after the cancer ordeal is supposedly "all over" for me. That's what so many don't understand. It's like it will NEVER be over. I still have to look in the mirror and get dressed every day, still worry about it coming back, still worry about my friends I met with this disease, etc.
Anyway, didn't want to write a novel, just wanted to thank you for your post.

[dee]

I understand, through my own lens, what you are writing. I have stopped trying to explain things to others about what I am going through; yes, that is current, not past tense. The earlier years of diagnosis and active treatment are gone, but the daily brushes up against today's events still happen. One of the legacies of this disease for me is complicated by how I typically deal with loss. I have always coped inside by saying, "OK - if I can't have that, I don't want it." While that works fine for material things, it is a rotten approach when it comes to the very important things in life - and life, itself. I confronted the possiblity of suicide during one phase, not being able to cope with everything - and everything included all that you mention, and more - old history about sexual abuse cropped up during radiation when 14 diffferent people were handling me. Touch is the trigger for me; as long as no one touches me, I seem to do all right. Radiation was a HUGE nightmare for me; I cried every day for 7 weeks, and thought about which bridge to jump from. Fortunately, when radiation treatment stopped, I was able to back off those thoughts. What really gets me is when people tell me that it was all really worth it. How do they know? I am still asking myself that question. I feel like I am living life holding my breath, waiting for the next chapter in the cancer saga to rear its ugly head. Meanwhile, I tell myself: I am not dying today. I will live my life now, larger, faster and LOUDER until I find I can't any longer. (I sure have racked up the miles with this philosophy - I've been to NY, NY twice this year, once last year, and to Oberlin several times to visit my niece while she was in school. I've hit up California multiple times within the past year ater my first grandchild entered the world last March. And I camp like a son of a gun, trying to get a jump on the sensation of being ALIVE.) Who knows how long it will last? Only God. That said, what remains insurmountable for me is this deformity - it has altered the way I choose to live life, and I see I have lots of work to do to get past it. I thought others might also be facing similar issues. That web site made me stop and think how many women are running around challenged by body image post mastectomy and yet few people ever know. It seemed like a good idea at the time to post the website address for others who also may be grappling with self esteem and body image issues.

[Bev]

Hi there.

It's reassuring to know someone else had issues with the rads too. I started to have panic attacks the last few weeks. I assumed it was because I was left alone with the alarm noise being my trigger. I guess we should communicate these things to the rad oncs and maybe they could fix them. BB